I am NOT a B*itch with a D*ck!

When I was younger, I was considered that shy fat girl that never spoke up for herself. The one who always allowed people to use me, say whatever they want to me and make jokes about me. To be truthful, I was too afraid to stand up for myself because I didn't know how to attack back and win. I remember going home and crying to my parents about how the kids in the neighborhood use to run me home from the playground. Things turned around for me in high school. I took and used my intelligence as my just one of my many leadership characteristics. I told myself that I will no longer allow people to run over me. I've gained great friends who loved and adored me. But most importantly, I started standing up for myself. And on top of all that, I did start talking to boys a little bit more heavy so that will always boost anyone's self esteem.

My father and brothers eventually started "training" me to stand up for myself and not allow people to get away with what they do to me. They always told me that you have to call people out on their sh*t. When you see or experience something that's not right you have every right to stand up for yourself. Really just forget  how people feel in the process because they didn't take your feelings into consideration when they disrespected you. I can truly say in high school is where I gained my confidence. I got a little bit more bold and loud. I laughed more and apologized less. I then to start to love myself.

As life goes on, so do the experiences and life lessons. But I've experience relationships from men that basically abused me. No not physically, but emotionally. They would play games, lie, cheat and disrespect my time. I would give numerous chances to make things "right" and in the end, I would become a victim of anger. I allowed people to take advantage of my meekness. I love to love. I love the feeling of being in love. I love the never ending smiles, laughter, phone calls/texts and the long nights. But when it's bad, it's bad. The arguments, exchanges of curse words, yelling, hanging up and not talking for days. I literally got tired of that over the years but I mostly got tired of being hurt. I made endless promises to myself that I wouldn't put myself last.

So here I am at the age of 31, a strong, educated and successful black woman. I still love hard and am passionate in who I'm dating and what I'm doing. But I still refuse to take anything that given to me that's half ass. I feel as though life isn't a rehearsal so you shouldn't waste time or regret. But now a days like many blogs that I have posted before, people don't take relationships seriously. People don't date or court anymore. You can now "date" multiple people at a time with no consequence. It's "ok" to have multiple baby daddies/mommies. But it's not ok to say NO to sex, to ask are we in a serious relationship or  where do you see us in the next year???!!!

When I ask the hard questions in a relationship or a "situationship" you'll be surprised how many of these men I date they run away and scatter like roaches. Like no one wants a commitment anymore. So when I react to their actions or some the harsh games and/or mind tricks that they play to continue to date or sleep with me, then I'm a b*tch. I've been accused of "acting like a man" because I peep the game that men play and when I flip it on them, I'm considered too manly and I act like a "b*tch with a d*ck" when I show them how they treat me. Well sir I'll be that. I was raised by mother to always act like a lady. Cross your legs when sitting, make eye contact, don't have your elbows on the table when eating, put your napkin in your lap, don't dabble in men business. But like I stated earlier, I was raised my a father as well. My father always told me to speak up for myself, if a person can't accept you for who and what you are, forget them, love yourself first, don't allow anyone to disrespect  you and be your own leader. My brothers were there to back up the teachings.

I've found there to be some weak men out here. The one's who want you to stay the same and to never evolve. They simply want you for sex and will mislead you, lie to you and manipulate your mind. Hell there's men out here that lie and claim they had sex with you all type of different ways. Over the past 5 years, I've been encountering these type of men. I've dated recently two men who led me on to believe that there will be this future but they wanted to take it "slow" to see where it'll lead us. I've also had a "friend" for over 15 yrs. whom I cried on his shoulder for years about other men, all while he's trying to have sex with me. It wasn't until he got married, going through a divorce, having an unwanted child with his wife that he wanted me so bad that he couldn't stand me. I'm not lying when I tell y'all he got mad at me and stop being friends with me because he got married. He told me just that he couldn't stand that I wasn't his wife. Ummmm ok?  I told him no I don't want to pursue a relationship with you while you're still married. His response was silence and ignoring my texts to insulting me by saying I act like I have a d*ck because I'm harsh when I say to him I don't want to f*ck* you!

Well I will not apologize for being strong. I will not apologize for standing up for myself and my morals. I'm far from a saint because I sin everyday but I will never betray my heart. I will not apologize for pointing out and speaking on those issues that other women are too afraid to because they're too afraid to "loose a good man." I believe I'm completely misunderstood. I can't fall for anything. I have to stand up for what's right and not accept just any type of attention or fake love. Relationships aren't that difficult if both people want it. It's all about comprising and working on things. I'm one of the most vulnerable people there is out here but you would never know it unless you really know me. But if I continue to allow people to use me or take from me, I would never be able to appreciate who God has sent for me.

Love?

What is a person's true definition of love? How do you know when you're in love with someone really? How is love expressed? Is love an emotion, a feel or an expression? How old or mature must you be in order to know what love is?


According to Webster's dictionary, love is "a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal tides; attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration, benevolence or common interests." But to me love starts with self. Self love is the greatest love of all time. How can you know where to start or how to love if you sure as hell can't love yourself. It took me years to discover the under lying love I have for myself. Growing up I have low self esteem. I was always the bigger girl in the class but smart. I had true friends that appreciated me for who I was but I never saw myself as such. Almost everyday when I was younger (even now) my father told me how beautiful I was (am), I would just smile and laugh. How did I know what love was?

My heart was first hurt and crushed at the age of 16 from my high school sweetheart. I loved that man all the way up to the current age of 30. For years we went back and forth and played with the thoughts of a future, children and marriage but it never happened. Last time I saw him, I looked into his eyes and fell right out of love with him. I first knew I was in love with him when I couldn't stand not looking into his eyes. His eyes told a story that had music in my head that I needed to hear. He had the most beautiful eyes a girl could fall in love with. Long eye lashes, light brown and deep. When he cheated on me in high school, I was crushed. I was walking around with a heavy burden on my shoulders and I didn't know how to shake it off. That was something I have never felt before him. It was only him who could change my feelings. That was my first time ever knowing how it feels to be love's fool. Now you may see that as "young love" but how is that so when many people have babies at that age, get married and stay together and make life time commitments. Granted a young girl's body isn't mature but her mind is. Love isn't complicated or complex, the people who say it or believe it makes it so.

Since my high school sweetheart, I've been in true love two other times. Each time I knew it was a deeper love than a like-love relationship. To me love is a combination of actions, emotions and commitment. I don't play around with that word unless I really mean it. When I love, I love hard and long. I'm committed to let that person know each and every day that I love them and I want them to see and feel that. Love is something that is felt and unconditional. I can't put restrictions how I should show that love. Love is affection expressed through actions and words. You can tell a person how much you love them until you show it. Love is having no doubt, fears or expectations. Love is not being able to go one day without talking or seeing that person regardless of how you feel about them or that argument y'all had the other day. Love is standing by that person right or wrong, having dedication and faith that it'll work out no matter what. Most importantly, love is blind. Love is meant to be felt and appreciated not neglected.

It took me years to truly and appreciate love for who and what it is. It's still a very sensitive subject for me because I need the other person to know love to me is like marriage. Once you love someone, those feelings never go away. You can fall out of love with that person but an admiration will always be there. No matter who comes before or after you, love is respect. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic that believes in an unwritten language between two people but I only know how to read, write and speak it. One of these days God will bless me with a man whom reflects me. A true mirror of my reflection. Until then, my love is on reserve, hold, on lock down. Love is meant to be shown, which it will be one day again for me....

Mental Baggage, Physically Overweight

It's pouring outside.  The rain made it's presence known that it was there to stay for the day. I was drenched with my Grandmother as we walked into the doctors office this past Friday. We laughed and joked as we were waiting for her name to be called. I sat uncomfortable next to her because the chairs were small and positioned close to each other. I forgot how the conversation started but she stated "I don't think you want to loose weight."

Now for years my Grandmother made comments about my weight and I didn't really pay her any attention.  I brushed her off and told her to "chill." When I was in college I figured I was the same size as I was when I left for school.  But she saw something different.  When I went over her house to wash clothes some weekends she would say, "baby your face is getting really round along with your belly." I would mostly look at her with an evil grin, roll my eyes and walk away. I just figured older people say whatever they want out their mouths with no thought attached to it.

But now I see my Grandmother was right...

In 2005, I went through a life changing experience.  Little did I know that was the beginning of my troubles. I had a lot more downs than ups. I lost myself in the meanwhile.  I did attempt to get myself back on track since then. I join a local gym not once, not twice but three different ones. The first time around I lost 40 lbs. initially and then 35 lbs the second time.  But I gained the weight back, plus some after each time. The third gym, where im at now, i attend there occasionally. From 2006-2009, I was going through an emotional rollercoaster.....I'm surprised I didn't loose my damn mind.

I'll spare both you and me the details since I don't want to go back down memory lane. But just know with each situation,  I was gaining a pound. Along with sadness, like any girl when she gets into a comfortable relationship she looses herself since most of her attention is on her new man, money and having fun. Plus I had a man each time who appreciate my curves, rolls and mind. They didn't care about my weight and neither did I.

In between of unemployment spells, I ate out of boredom and stress.  I didn't care how I felt, what I ate and how much money I spent. I was too busy worrying about being able to pay my bills. Thankfully God has blessed me with two different jobs in between those times but each job was stressful.  And with stress, it triggered my eating and emotions.  Again I wasn't paying attention.  I wanted a break, a new scene and a career.  So I applied to nursing school finally and I got accepted last summer! Exciting and motivating. Exciting but yet again stressful as well. I don't know how much I gained but I wasn't happy with my extra weight I'm carrying around.

Last year my mom signed me up with her to weight watchers.  I was excited about this change in my life. Attending school and possibly loosing weight. I did initially loose 15 lbs with eating right and slight exercise.  That all changed with the daily stress.  Stressing over studying, passing my classes, doing assignments on time, my Grandmother's cancer diagnosis,  my finances, my family and my dying relationship.  It was a good program but I later realized that I won't be able to work the plan properly. 

It's hard to do things right and eat clean when you're living in a household who doesn't eat like a health nut. Instead they eat everything fried, smoothered and sweet. That's a hard combination in trying to loose weight. Now you may think well buy your own food. Easier said than done since I'm in school full time and financially i rely on my parents for some things. It's a sacrifice for both of us but I appreciate them beyond feelings and words. They want to become a great nurse one day soon,  so somethings they pitch in.

As I looked at my Grandmother again as I always do at that doctors office and gave her that same look about my weight and explained to her it's easier said than done just like her smoking habit after her brush with cancer. But when I went home and thought about it she was right.  Earlier that week, I went to my weight watchers meeting and I gained back my 15 lbs lbs i lost and I was slowly creeping back up to my weight i was before I joined this weight loss program.  I damn near cried.

Something has to change!.....

Recently I've been having some conversations with my best friend about her weight loss and therapy sessions with a life coach. Both her and I realized that our weight gain was from our emotional baggage over the years. With each stressful situation, I ate.  I cried, I ate. I was eating my life away. I was killing myself. I feel different.  My weight is becoming a nuisance. I don't enjoy my shopping trips anymore, subconsciously I hate taking pictures now and I can see my weight.  I now see what my Grandmother saw many years ago.

I decided this week I'm cancelling my gym membership and Weight Watchers membership, cut out the eating out, sweets and stop feeling sorry for myself.  I'm carrying around all these unhealthy emotions and insecurities. I need to look at what I'm doing and eating, write down my thoughts, pray and say NO to all the wrong things and people. I have to work on my self internally before externally.  So I guess I wasn't ready to loose weight until I saw me naked. This is just the beginning of my life long journey of loosing weight. 

WHY AM I SINGLE...YOU ASK???: 10 Reasons WHY!

Before I start this blog post and someone ask me a this silly question, "Are you single?" The answer to that question is YES! I'm single by choice, now that's a HUGE difference. I can get into any relationship that so happens to come my way but I choose who I want to be with. If that person isn't meant to be with me, then for the sake of having someone isn't for me. I have too much pride for myself and my patience is too thin!! I'm not pressed to be someones "girl", I want to be someones wife!

Now a days a lot of people wonder why they're single though. Lets face this fact, the cards (statistics) isn't in our favor. With majority of the population in jail, don't want to commit, alternative lifestyles, mentally unstable and some say they gay/lesbian population went up (I'm not sure about that, so don't get on me), that leaves a lot of single and desperate people out here that has given up hope or just became comfortable being a "baby mama/daddy." Listed is just somethings that might hurt your hopes of finding a mate that will commit.....

1.} FUNKY APPEARANCE

       Appearance is the first thing and imprint that you leave with the person who sees you. How can you expect anyone to be attracted to you if you're clothes are falling off your body or better yet, they're too small for your frame? Baggy or skinny jeans aren't sexy either. I and many others don't want to see what color boxers you have on today or we don't want to wonder if your balls can breath while you walk. Give yourself some slack but not enough that'll hang you before you could even open your mouth to say hello.

2.} YOUR BREATH IS DEATH!
      Hygiene is a must in every relationship!!! Please whatever you do, make sure you take care of your mouth! You can have the most horrible teeth in the world but no one can say your breath is stinky if you make sure you brush your teeth, floss those gums and use mouth wash to back it all up.  If you don't have a tooth brush/paste available while you're out, mints and gum will be a great substitute until you can handle that. Don't have people believing you're a dream come true and your breath kills the dream!

3.} PRIORITIES
      What is one of the first things someone ask you when you go out on a date? "Tell me about yourself" is usually the question that first comes up. If you have a blank stare, avoid the question and/or don't know what you do or want to do with your life, you're going no where fast! It's the year of 2012 and everyone has a grind. What is yours? What do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? Do you have any goals that you want to accomplish besides becoming the next rapper, singer, producer or actor? What is your daily hustle? Stability is a must!!

4.} HOW ARE YOUR KIDS?
      Kids are a true blessing from God but if you treat them like a burden that pulls money out of your pocket, 9 times out of 10 that's a turn off! If you can't take care of your kids that you do currently have, how can you provide for your future seeds? Stop having 10 kids, 9 baby mothers or being baby mama #3 you wouldn't have no problems in the dating world. Whatever your previous issues with love and insecurities is the past, what are you trying to do to better your future??


5.} WANNA GO DUTCH?
      How can you say you want to go out and date, meet new people or have a good time if you're looking at the menu like you're ready to run as soon as the waiter ask if you're ready to order. A lot of times, people are stuck on trying to make a great first impression that they forget the truth. If you're broke and you can't afford anyone, then tell them that or wait until you have the funds to do so. If they like you then they'll stay and work with you. Not every date requires money also. But don't get there and expect the person to pay for their side of the bill unless yall made that agreement ahead of time.

6.} SORRY, I'M GOING TO GO KICK IT WITH CRAIG AND 'EM, SEE YA WHEN I SEE YA!
      If you're doing "you", enjoying life, not ready to settle down or no one peaks your interest, then stay single! Live a single life!! If you come across someone like that, then don't touch them with a 10 foot pole! If you don't want a friends with benefits plan, keep it moving. You might be blocking your blessing to see who you're meant to be with.

7.} ASS, ASS, ASS!
     Sex is complicated, not the people. Sex changes the whole dynamics of a relationship. If you're selling sex in your clothes, your conversation or pictures, that's how people is going to treat you. You will keep attracting the wrong people. But put yourself in a place where you'll meet people of your caliber and interests. Take a walk at the park, go to cultured events, go to church, speed date, something! But stop going to the clubs and bars thinking you're going to be meet Mr./Mrs. Right.

8.} GOT A CLEAN HOUSE?
      Believe it or not but how you keep your house and car is how your personality is. What is around you is a reflectance of what type of person you are. Profilers can tell  your whole life based on how you clean, how you fold your clothes, if you up keep your car with the latest oil change, if you keep your car clean and smelling good. No one want to go to your house after a romantic evening and see clothes everywhere, rings around the toilet and the bath tub, and bugs running around! That turns the anyone off quick!

9.} LIES! LIARS! FAIRY TALES!
      Why lie about simple stuff? Unless you've been trained by the government to be an international spy or assassin, your lies will catch up with you! You'll make yourself look like the biggest fool and you'll keep finding yourself in the single category.

10.} THE LIST OF STANDARDS
        EPIC FAIL! Everyone has a fairy tale list of what they think their mate should have and look like but if that list is constantly being used during the dates and none of the qualities aren't being checked off, maybe you're being too stuck up. I'm not saying that you can't have standards because I do myself  but don't block a possible relationship just because he's a divorced janitor with one child when you want a NFL player with no kids and a $35 million contract. HAVE MANY SEATS! You will be tested daily to see if you choose wisely. Not every big booty girl is going to be faithful. Yes she's a stripper at the club to pay for college but some do have sex for dollars. We're not made to be perfect so why are you looking for the perfect person? Be fair and reasonable.

GOOD WILL HUNTING!

Hello God, can you hear me??

"Prayer is easy, keeping the faith is hard."

I'm staring at the black keys on my laptop, a million and one thoughts running through my head but I'm overwhelmed with so much hope. Hope doesn't come easy now a days since it's been slowly rationed out.  Don't get me wrong, there is a different between hope and faith. According to the Dictionary, hope is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.", while faith is defined as "confidence or trust in a person or thing."  You see the difference? Hope is a feeling or desire while faith is confidence!

It took me about two years to get confident in God. I've always believed in Him but I never really relied on Him until my world was turned upside down. I've lost jobs, friends, opportunities and self confidence.  I was speaking death into my life; telling myself I couldn't do a lot of things. My mom would always tell me that I was doing wrong and I needed to keep my faith but my harsh realities always reminded me how "bad" my situations were. It's funny how God take everything from you to give you what you deserve.

God is someone who doesn't give blessings out for free. You have to deserve your blessings by learning from your previous lessons and experiences. Every time, I wanted to move, spend some crazy amount of money, take a trip out of town/country, go back to school and/or get lavish gifts, God would deny me. I mean seriously leave me for broke, max out my credit cards, have people cancel plans and take away a job.  I was devastated. I thought if God truly loved me, why would he deny me all the things that I wanted?? That's the thing it was a "want". God only gives you what you need and deserve.










The hardest thing was to see my friends and family constantly get blessings like jobs, cars, houses, marriages, children, scholorships, tution reimburstment, money and the list goes on. And what tripped me out the most was when they complained about things not going the way they wanted it to be while I hoped to one day have what they had.  But God favors the faithful!

Faith wasn't easy to come by. I had to not only encourage myself but others around me.  The most time consuming thing is to listen on the phone or in person to someone crying, cursing and angry for any reason.  I want to be there for people, God has given me that gift but sometimes I wanted to smack sense in my family and friends.  The problem with a lot of us, is that we consider ourselves believers but we have lost the hope.  Forget the faith, thats no existent.  How do I know, I was once them. 

It was a time, when I just wanted to give up and give in to everything. I could have been homeless and had no care in the world and I would have been happy.  But I was pushed....pushed into my destiny.  I took a class at church that focused on spending time with God every day, learning scriptures, have group conversations with a bunch of women and letting them know all my buisness.  That for me was a huge challenge!  I stopped trusting women years ago after a close friend stopped being my friend.  It might sound elementary but it's just like your first heartbreak from your first love.  You never forget that pain.  I'll never forget both! God pushed me to speak to these women, "let my hair down" and release my guard.  They were there to listen, not to judge.  I'm so proud to say they are now my covenant sisters.That class taught me that God need to be in the center of my life inorder to get the blessings that I needed.  With alot of prayer, denials, crying night (even days) and true friends, I was able to get over the worst. 

My life isn't a crystal staircase now, it's even harder as my faith have gotten stronger.  But I'm writing this because at one point in time I questioned God's motives.  I seriously thought that I was being punished for all the wild, freaky things I did in the past.  But He was actually teaching me that I have to be stronger by denying my wants. Like the famous quote states, "you never know how strong you are until you have nothing but God." I'm still weak. I still occasionally curse, have a sip of wine, hang out with bad inflences, doubt myself and I don't pray EVERY day but I am happy.  I know I'll always be a sinner but I finally have faith. I'm stronger because I believe God has finally heard me! 

Trying to Raise A "Man"

I've tried to raise a man overnight. You see I saw something in this "man" that I thought no one else saw. What I was neglected to be informed about is that in fact this "man" was broken...broken beyond repair.

  Here he is a lost child, prematurely aborted from the womb. Never really having a nipple to suck, for someone to stroke his kind face at night while singing lully bys within his ear.  This young boy was forced to become a young man. Out there hustling on the streets, reaching out to shake the next man hand. Forced to learn to protect ya neck and never let another man catch you slippin. He was never really taught that not every young girl is clean and she will live off your dollar and dream. Spreading your seeds within a garden, producing not one but two. Forcing a young boy to become a man.

   You see you don't really understand. This "man" said I love you like it was the lyrics to a new rap song. Being played within my mind over and over again only to become a curse. A disease that I ran from. A haunting spirit that won't leave me alone. Your words run through my mind only to bring up a constant hurt and physical pain. I gave and I gave only to be left with a fucked up heart and nothing to gain. He thought he could silence me with those soft gentle lips and deep stroke guided with hips. But that never stops the voices that has a constant chit chatter of memories as you told me that you fucked your baby mama....Damn...

    I thought we were better than that. I thought that you were my Dick and I was your Jane. I thought you were ready to have a real woman in your life. Someone who held your back while you cried wolf. Someone who loved you unconditionally even when you really didn't love yourself. Someone who wanted to give you the world because you wanted to give her the moon too. I was ready to give it to you all but apparently I meant nothing to you.

     You were forced to become a "man" because everyone laughed at you. You were looked at as soft. Not realizing that not all good guys finish last. When will you wake up and see how much you mean to me? You're too busy in the streets tying to live off that next dollar and dream. Wanting to be a star player in the NFL, having all the fly clothes, cars and hoes. You wanted to live the ballers life! Not really understanding that it takes time to get all these things you want overnight. You see you have to vision my love. You have to work hard and stop being a perve.

      Your dick won't get you far. It's only so much you can get until you have everyone else around you that's a "get wit." Lusting over dreams, preparing your lips for the next jay full of weed while tapping your feet on the carpet floor. Throw back your hair as you take the first puff. As you pop that E pill. As you sip on that clear burning substance. You drift away....Away into a land that you can't be reached. A land full of loud music, constant tears and full of pain. I can't help you because you can't hear me.

      I tried to fix a man that will always be broken. His wounds was too deep to be healed. His eyes were always filled with tears. His heart always consumed with pride. His stomach is always empty right along with his pockets. His dick was always ready to explode. He's a young man slowly turning old.

        I tried to raise a boy to a man only to realize that a man won't change until change find him. When his nights become cold, his practices become habits, his white lies become truth. When his daughters become women. When he realize his shit was never really together. When he realize he could have had a better life if I kept him. When he's ready to become a man.....

I lost my mind just a week ago

I was on my way to a birthday party out in Baltimore, MD when I saw the sign for I95N to New York. The exit ramp was coming up when I realized that I was in the wrong lane. But what if I took that exit? Seriously what if???

See what you fail to understand I have the world damn near on my back. My neck and upper back is so tensed that I doubt a massage will do any justice. My lower back is in pain. I'm suffering from headaches more often. My attitude is now not accepting any tolerance. You see I'm beyond fed up with the bull. I'm not the next mad black woman. I'm bitter as hell!!

My sister in law and myself was having a crying session just a few hours before I went to the birthday party. I was pouring my heart out to her about all my pain. About how my heart hurt so much from loving people so hard. Basically she was my doctor at my time of need and told me that I care for people too much. I expect for people to care for me just as much as I do. All while in the mean time I have lost myself in the process. Her words was breathtaking but so true!!! It was a great example of a "a hah" moment. That's it. Now I know why I'm mad as hell at the world.

I get so mad at myself for falling in love over and over again, helping other people out, listening to other people's problems, giving people money, encouraging motivating and pushing people. I tell myself all the time that God has put all of this in my heart and I can't help the way I feel. Yes that's true but God didn't make no dummy. He tells us to love one another just like He loved us, forgive but never forget and always be ready for reconciliation.  But don't loose yourself all in the end.

You see during this time of always being available for everyone else, I lost what I actually wanted to do. I didn't put myself first and tell people how I really felt with no apologies behind it. I thought before I talked and I always took everyone else into consideration. So my solution to this major problem is to put on my I don't care hat. I have to let all the BS go in my life and sincerely focus on what I want.

I lost my mind just a week ago because I lost myself. With time, patience, prayer and a plan I'll get to where I need to be. With my faith holding me up by my boot straps, things will change inner then outer. So next time I see that sign I'll be going to New York because I want to visit not to run away from the pain.