My Daily Bread

Trying to Raise A "Man"

2011-12-02T01:40:00.000-05:00

I've tried to raise a man overnight. You see I saw something in this "man" that I thought no one else saw. What I was neglected to be informed about is that in fact this "man" was broken...broken beyond repair.

Here he is a lost child, prematurely aborted from the womb. Never really having a nipple to suck, for someone to stroke his kind face at night while singing lully bys within his ear. This young boy was forced to become a young man. Out there hustling on the streets, reaching out to shake the next man hand. Forced to learn to protect ya neck and never let another man catch you slippin. He was never really taught that not every young girl is clean and she will live off your dollar and dream. Spreading your seeds within a garden, producing not one but two. Forcing a young boy to become a man.

   You see you don't really understand. This "man" said I love you like it was the lyrics to a new rap song. Being played within my mind over and over again only to become a curse. A disease that I ran from. A haunting spirit that won't leave me alone. Your words run through my mind only to bring up a constant hurt and physical pain. I gave and I gave only to be left with a fucked up heart and nothing to gain. He thought he could silence me with those soft gentle lips and deep stroke guided with hips. But that never stops the voices that has a constant chit chatter of memories as you told me that you fucked your baby mama....Damn...

    I thought we were better than that. I thought that you were my Dick and I was your Jane. I thought you were ready to have a real woman in your life. Someone who held your back while you cried wolf. Someone who loved you unconditionally even when you really didn't love yourself. Someone who wanted to give you the world because you wanted to give her the moon too. I was ready to give it to you all but apparently I meant nothing to you.

     You were forced to become a "man" because everyone laughed at you. You were looked at as soft. Not realizing that not all good guys finish last. When will you wake up and see how much you mean to me? You're too busy in the streets tying to live off that next dollar and dream. Wanting to be a star player in the NFL, having all the fly clothes, cars and hoes. You wanted to live the ballers life! Not really understanding that it takes time to get all these things you want overnight. You see you have to vision my love. You have to work hard and stop being a perve.

      Your dick won't get you far. It's only so much you can get until you have everyone else around you that's a "get wit." Lusting over dreams, preparing your lips for the next jay full of weed while tapping your feet on the carpet floor. Throw back your hair as you take the first puff. As you pop that E pill. As you sip on that clear burning substance. You drift away....Away into a land that you can't be reached. A land full of loud music, constant tears and full of pain. I can't help you because you can't hear me.

      I tried to fix a man that will always be broken. His wounds was too deep to be healed. His eyes were always filled with tears. His heart always consumed with pride. His stomach is always empty right along with his pockets. His dick was always ready to explode. He's a young man slowly turning old.

        I tried to raise a boy to a man only to realize that a man won't change until change find him. When his nights become cold, his practices become habits, his white lies become truth. When his daughters become women. When he realize his shit was never really together. When he realize he could have had a better life if I kept him. When he's ready to become a man.....

I lost my mind just a week ago

2011-09-21T19:53:00.001-04:00

I was on my way to a birthday party out in Baltimore, MD when I saw the sign for I95N to New York. The exit ramp was coming up when I realized that I was in the wrong lane. But what if I took that exit? Seriously what if???

See what you fail to understand I have the world damn near on my back. My neck and upper back is so tensed that I doubt a massage will do any justice. My lower back is in pain. I'm suffering from headaches more often. My attitude is now not accepting any tolerance. You see I'm beyond fed up with the bull. I'm not the next mad black woman. I'm bitter as hell!!

My sister in law and myself was having a crying session just a few hours before I went to the birthday party. I was pouring my heart out to her about all my pain. About how my heart hurt so much from loving people so hard. Basically she was my doctor at my time of need and told me that I care for people too much. I expect for people to care for me just as much as I do. All while in the mean time I have lost myself in the process. Her words was breathtaking but so true!!! It was a great example of a "a hah" moment. That's it. Now I know why I'm mad as hell at the world.

I get so mad at myself for falling in love over and over again, helping other people out, listening to other people's problems, giving people money, encouraging motivating and pushing people. I tell myself all the time that God has put all of this in my heart and I can't help the way I feel. Yes that's true but God didn't make no dummy. He tells us to love one another just like He loved us, forgive but never forget and always be ready for reconciliation. But don't loose yourself all in the end.

You see during this time of always being available for everyone else, I lost what I actually wanted to do. I didn't put myself first and tell people how I really felt with no apologies behind it. I thought before I talked and I always took everyone else into consideration. So my solution to this major problem is to put on my I don't care hat. I have to let all the BS go in my life and sincerely focus on what I want.

I lost my mind just a week ago because I lost myself. With time, patience, prayer and a plan I'll get to where I need to be. With my faith holding me up by my boot straps, things will change inner then outer. So next time I see that sign I'll be going to New York because I want to visit not to run away from the pain.

Let me tell you about these b!tches....

2011-09-14T07:01:00.001-04:00

Yes ladies and gentleman that was the opening line of a conversation that I was about to have with my coworker. I gave the biggest *blank stare* that I could ever give him. I couldn't believe he thought that was OK to sat to me knowning that I'm a woman. Better yet, why did he think we were that close yet for him to start this conversation off like that.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm probably one of the coolest female friend you'll ever meet but you can not expect me to stand for that. I had to stop him in mid sentence and tell him while in my presence you can not call any woman a disrespectful name and think its OK with me. He proceeded to tell me that I don't know any of them so it shouldn't really affect me. "Ummm yes it does" was my reply. How do this man expect for me to allow him so freely call any woman a bitch blows my mind.

Needless to say he didn't want to share any of the story with me after I had to "correct" him from his true ignorance. I couldn't believe he got so mad at me that he had to get up and pretend that he's going to take a bathroom break. But then I look up he goes out to talk to the other gentlemen out in the lobby at the situation. LOL. All I could do was shake my head and say a small prayer for him.

Ignorance is bliss.....

First Date Top 10 Tips!!!!

2010-10-27T19:14:00.000-04:00

A first date is always a nerve racking situation but if you stay calm, look your best and act normal all should go well. But since many people rarely go on dates now a days, a lot of people don't know how to act. Over the years, I have learned the do's and don'ts to dating through my own or other people's experiences.
Here's my top ten first date tips......

Tip #1
Be prepared for your time:
A lot people don't understand that it's some prep work before a first date. So you have to allow yourself enough time to get home to change/bathe/apply make up/etc, get to the location and get there on time...

Tip #2
Get to your date early:
You want to get there early because maybe it's a spot you've never been before so you need to check out the surroundings. Maybe they don't have valet, you need to take the train to the location, find parking, traffic, etc. You don't want to have your date waiting. Nor do you want to be so frustrated by all the unplanned events before your date.

Tip #3
Greet your date properly:
Depending on you all status or what you'll allow, greet your date accordingly. Since it's the first date in this situation, you may want to give a person a handshake or hug. Something like a kiss off the break sends signals that you want something else. So be careful how you greet that person.

Tip #4
Depending on your status is how you interact with you date:
Don't allow a person to reach over and try to grab your privates while you all are out or even in the car. A woman should act like a lady and a man should act like a perfect gentleman. There shouldn't be any unnecessary touching in any form. If the guy want to touch your knee during the movie or you want to interlock arms also, depending how you feel, it's all up to you. Remember a man will treat you the way you allow him to.

Tip #5
Stop flirting so much!!!:
It's cute to let a person know that you really digging them and want to show them in all ways possible that you're physically attracted to them but when all clothes are on, you really need to get to know this person. Get to the bottom of things. Ask questions pertaining to their goals, family, friends, experiences, children, career,etc. Get to know the person, not what they can do for you.

Tip #6
Allow a man to be a man!:
This is hard for a lot "independent" women now a days but let the man to lead the date. I'm not saying allow him to lead you right to his house, NO! I'm saying stop telling the man what you want and what you all are going to do. You make that man feel like he's out with a controlling woman and loose interest. Allow him to ask you what you want to do next and where do you feel comfortable going. But stop being so "independent", that's why your butt is single! LOL

Tip #7
Do NOT GET DRUNK ON YOUR FIRST DATE!!:
This is so sad that I have to insert this tip but boy oh boy I tell ya, a lot of people get out here and show their ass because they don't know how to act. The feel as though the alcoholic beverage is going to "calm their nerves" but really it shows your ass! You need a sober and clear mind to make the right decisions, to enjoy the date and for the date to really enjoy you. No person want the first impression to be that they either can handle their drink or they're an alcoholic.

Tip #8
Body Language is everything during a date!!:
A person can tell if you're really diggin them or you're clearly not interested based on your body language. Your body shows a person how much you're enjoying the conversation by the raise of the eyebrows, the lean in of the body, the gentle touch on the hand, the look up from a drink, a smile, laughterand a gentle tap. All those there tell a person that they can pursue you further or simply end the date early. Remember not all people like to be touched though.

Tip #9
Fellas, for the first date pay for the meal:
It's very traditional for a man to pay for a meal. Women was raised to let a man spoil you and show you much they appreciate you and this goes hand and hand with a first date. Not saying that you have to go all out and splurge on this woman but show her that you're not cheap and you have no problem paying for activities of the first date.

Tip #10
End the date properly:
This is the nervous part of the date....to kiss or not to kiss?? This is simply all up to you! I can not answer this question for you. Again this depends on your status, your body language, and how you want to end the date. So choose wisely, don't end up in no one's bed...you may not get to see what the future holds.

SO GET OUT AND DATE!!!

Thoughts to Paper: Journalling

2010-10-09T12:39:00.000-04:00

I've started journalling at the tender age of eleven. Like most children that start at the age, you mostly write about whats going on in your life irrevelant. Myself, I wrote about who's house I went over, what we did, what I did for the weekend with my parents and the little snotty boys that I liked. To this date, I have three journals that I have filled in with my random thoughs and experiences. Now those three are in the attic collecting dust. But from time to time I do go back and read what I wrote. It's always an excellent thing to go back and remind yourself how far you have come. What lessons you have learned and what you gained from it all. I usually do this a year after the last journal entry in the previous journal. It's simply a time to reflect and encourage myself.

When I tell people that I journal, they always ask me what do I write about? Its kind of hard to explain but I most likely give them examples. I see journalling as another outlet for me to get to my thoughts out. It's my friend without judgement. They only person who will ever judge me is me. A lot of times I listen to people's problems day in and day out and give advice when asked but then when it's time for me to let go of how I'm really feeling, no one seems to be around or really paying attention to a word I am saying. Therefore, I let my ink bleed on the papers, sometimes along with tears. Yes, tears. I can't count how many times I had to stop and allow myself to get myself together because I have had so much built up anger and/or hurt suppressed inside of me. I hurt just like any other human being or animal but somehow some people don't see it.

As years progessed on, my writing has become extensive. My poetry is an exentsion of my thoughts but more on an intimate level. Those are differnt types of words that flow through me. Poetry is my inner most vulnerable spot within my soul. Something that many people wont understand (unless you're a poet also). But now my journalling has expaded to other books. I have a personal one where I write down my weekly experiences, lessons, thoughts, goals and feelings. My prayer journal is where I talk to God on a more intimate level. I usually write my prayers down and then speak outloud back to God. I pray about anything that my heart desires, regardless if it's prayers for other people, money, goals, accomplishments/praises, hurt, pain, etc. I let God know how Jamale is really feeling. I don't hold back at all to God. He is the only one who knows me the best, so why fake it?

Lastly, I have an exercise/diet journal. Now this is new, since I just brought it this past week but I have journalled about this in the past, I just did it in another form but it's all the same. This journal has the date, current weight, meals, feelings and thoughts. I use to write all this stuff down in my personal journal but I'm glad to see that they finally have it where I can keep up with it separately. Thank you God! This journal is going to help me A LOT with my weight problems. Unlike, some people, I can admit when I'm wrong. And right now, my weight is all wrong. This is an area in my life that I don't like and that I need to work. Therefore, I believe this journal will open up myself in a different way and reveal to me my problems with loosing weight.

I express all this to say, don't be afarid to write. I use to be afriaid to really put down on those pages what was really going on with me in fear of someone judging me later. But I later discovered that the only person who was getting hurt was me. I don't care what people think nor do I care how they may view me once I depart from this earth. I just pray that people will understand that I made my share of mistakes and I have learned from them. So if my children read from them, they too will learn what not to do. Or even if my journals fall in the hands of a stranger, I pray that they live their life to the fullest as I'm trying to live mines. So if you're reading this and don't have a journal, go out and try it. Allow yourself to be comfortable enough to fully let go of what's bothering you. I pray that you see what's really eating you up inside. Peace and blessings...

It's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate

2010-10-07T00:59:00.000-04:00

We all have had a friend whom we adored from afar but not many people cross that line of friendship to a relationship. Sometimes you meet people who you initially wanted to move into a relationship but ended up as just a friend. But then sometimes you can eventually love a person for who they are so much that you actually fall in love with them. What a lot of people fail to realize is that a friendship to a relationship is a thin line between love and hate. I can speak about this because I have been in that situation.

My twelfth grade year I fell in "like" with my childhood friend. We have been friends since the seventh grade and I confided in my good friend that I was really falling for our mutual friend. Mike was the type of person that was loud, funny, basically the class clown. He was someone that you either loved or hate. But weirdly I feel in love with his funny ways. So when I told my friend that I was really feeling him, she took it upon herself to make it her mission to tell our friend that I had a huge crush on him. Our relationship started off something like this..."Jamale you like Mike right? (Yes) OK Mike you like Jamale right? (Yes) OK great, yall go ahead and call each other later and talk things out." Mike and I both looked at each other, smiled, hugged and agreed to speak later on the phone.

Our relationship started off a little weird. Here it is, one of my best male friends is now my BOYFRIEND! Wow that was a bit much for a young girl to handle. But needless to say, I handled myself quite well. Anyway, as time went on, Mike and I were inseparable. We did everything together and all our friends thought we were a great match. My friend who "hooked" us up took her bragging rights to the hallways every time she saw us together since all our lockers were in the same row. But our relationship came to an abrupt end when Mike broke up with me on my apartment steps, one month before my departure to college. I lost my breath as this man gave me some BS reason why he didn't want to continue our relationship. I lost myself in his words, zone out and told myself to hold my tears until I got into the house. I immediately got up from the steps and headed the house after he finished his well prepared speech and slammed the door. I called my friend and broke down crying. I hated him for how he made me feel.

After that relationship I vowed that I will NEVER date one of my close guy friends again. Little did I know that the roles will be switched some years later. While in high school, I met this guy my tenth grade year that really liked me but he was later the person who feel in deeply in love with me. What stopped us from being more than friends in high school was my then boyfriend. I was dating my then boyfriend for a year and was very faithful to him. So I wasn't going to go outside our relationship and cheat on him. So my friend stayed by my side for years, waiting on the side lines, waiting for his chance to get into the game. But I allowed so many other players to enter the game while he rode the bench. Now this isn't done on purpose, I just fell in love with my friend as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. It hurt me over the years that he was hurt but then again I can't help but the way I feel. I have played with the thought of us being together but never really ventured into the red zone of a relationship.

Some people can consider me to be selfish (including my male friend) but I see myself as a very smart woman. I am not going to conform to be someone that I am not. I love all my friends for who they are and what they provide to me, love. But I can't love beyond my means. That's right ladies and gentlemen, you sometimes can love beyond your means. Love should be unconditional and endless, never with restraints. As the years progress, my friends patience was thinning. I wanted to hang out, chill, be my true self around him and love him for who he is but he saw me as his potential woman. I can't count how many times we stopped talking, got into arguments and copped attitudes over the lack of a relationships that we have. I wanted a friendship, he saw me as his perfect girlfriend. As a result of this challenge, my friend and I aren't speaking. I need my space to worry about me, not him hounding me for an answer. Or throwing mixed emotions my way.

Love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. While on the other hand, hate is defined as to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility. I have at one point in time in my life I have experienced both emotions. I can't say that I hate anyone right now but I can say I hate love sometimes. Love doesn't play fair. Love is blind. Love don't always have a true label. Love sometimes isn't my true friend. Love is so difficult on so many levels hence why now I'm on a roller coaster with it. But I write this blog to give you a heads up. Really think about your true feelings you have for that friend. I have learned from that past relationship now to my current friendship. I have learned that love is sacred and precious. You can't take it for granted for one moment of lust. There really is a thin line between love and hate. Within the same sentence, how many times have you have heard so many people say, " damn I really loved him/her but now I hate that MF'er with a passion because...." Love/Hate is an emotion that can be interchangeable. Therefore, think twice before you cross that line....

Goodbye Brownie.....

2010-09-11T06:21:00.001-04:00

Yep thats how my face was looking this past week! LOL. I haven't dyed nor played with any color in my hair since 07. When I did play with a color it was a semi perm color and didn't take too well. It was beautiful the first week or two then once I washed it, like alot of dyes, it rinsed out. I mean all the way out!!! So I said forget it, I'm not bleaching my hair and have my hair color too bright. Hell I do have to go to work professionally so therefore, I'll stick to the basic. After all these years my hair has result to this.

I'm just so tired of this color that I'm really going to do it...I'm going to dye my locs!!! I asked people on Facebook what they thought would be a great color for me. I was suggested some crazy colors such as "Raven purple", black, red/organge and even GREEN! Yea my friends are some jokers but I believe I'm going to settle on a redish color with a tint of organge. I did it last time but this time, I'm doing a perm color. I'm not wasting time with this color process. A couple of weeks ago, I dyed my mom's hair a lite brownish/red but only her scalp came out since she's been dying her hair black for over 20 years!!! LOL. So it's goigng to be an adventure trying to dye it lighter without bleaching it but we're going to get it together. So this will be my last weekend that I'll be a "brunette", I've heard red heads had the most fun anyway. LOL we shall see...........

Goodbye Brownie!!!

Nail Polish Color of the Week

2010-09-10T18:13:00.002-04:00

*Cheshire* by Funky Fingers

Hair Maintainence

2010-09-09T17:45:00.002-04:00

Hello Young World!

During my hiaitus I was approached by two women to their hair. Now this was a complete shock for me but God is good for allowing me to have that oppurtunity to do something like that. I've been doing my mom's hair maintainence for the past three months since our hair dresser had dissed her for her last hair appointment back in June 2010. I took it upon myself to learn new hair styles via Youtube since both my mom and I aren't getting our hair done by her for a while. Since doing so, I've learned about four hairstyles to do on my own hair. Now I've been growing my locs for the past 4.5 years so my hair is significally longer and thicker than my mothers. But that doesn't stop her from wanting the same or similar hair styles that I rock, which is no problem. Therefore, I started doing the styles on her hair. Which is shown below.

My mom's coworker's were so impressed with her hair style that they immediately pulled my mom to the side and asked for my number. I was in shocked! Now this is what you all don't know. These two women go to the same hair stylist that my mom and I were going to. But apparently, she has been doing the same thing to them by cancelling appointments the day of (even 5-10 mins before the appt. time), not returning their phone calls and/or extending their appt. dates. Therefore, they decided they wanted to come over and allow me to do their hair. I was extremely surprised and overwhelmed but I did fine. I took my time and they were satisfied with their results. I didn't get a picture of the first ladies hair but I did of the second lady. Here's the pictures below...

I did a simple basket weave for her and made sure I moisterized her scalp and locs since she has extreme dry hair/scalp. *She came back two weeks later to get some flat twists put in on the side of her head but I forgot to take a pic*

Hair Maintainence-Loc Bun

2010-09-08T17:42:00.004-04:00

For the week of Aug. 9-13, 2010, I did a really cute loc bun style. My hair was already curly/crinkled from braids that I did the week previous. So when I did the bun it gave it a little different texture. But the front had a little hump while the back was a bun. It was a huge bun but it was really nice. I kept this style in for a week and a half.

Updates!!!

2010-09-08T17:03:00.002-04:00

Well Hello Young World!!!

First and foremost please allow me to say I'm truly sorry for the lack of blogs but a woman has been super busy. So like the title states, let me give you updates in what I'm doing with myself. The whole month of July I took a 5 week Microbiology course at my local community college. For those who don't know, I do have my BS in Biology so you all are probably thinking, "Jamale why are you taking a summer course then??" Well I'm trying to better myself and further my education. Therefore, meaning I want to go back to school silly!

Back in May 2010, I decided that I wanted to take another route of my life and apply my skills and apply to nursing school. I applied to one school in Virginia and that didn't work out. But I didn't stop there. I took $560 out of my pocket and paid for that class. It was a little harsh but much needed for me to apply for the next nursing school which is located in North Carolina!!! So yes boys and girls, if I do get accepted into the school, I will be relocated to North Carolina. (I'm nervous as hell!!!) So with all that being said, after I took the Microbiology course, which I received an A in, I had to send out all those papers, get a physical, get blood work and get shots, I was busy preparing for my future.

Currently, I'm starting back my bibical course that I'm taking at church and along with my community actitivities this upcoming fall. Like always, I love to keep myself busy. So it'll be many meetings, assessments, community events, volunteering and donation for me the next four months. *whew* I'm tired already just thinking about it all. LOL. Also I have seriously been "vlogging" on Youtube so I do more speaking now then typing but I'm back on here. So with all that, that's where I've been and preparing for.

I have still been doing my nails and hair, I just have been too busy/lazy to sit down at this PC and add any photos to this site. I know, I know, I'm horrible but I'm back at it like a crack addict. So I'm going to add them all at once and let them distrube on their own daily. So please bare with me. Thats all I have so far for you guys. I hope you all like the upcoming subjects, pics and poetry that I have for you all. Enjoy....

Jamale

Nail Color Of the Week

2010-08-07T22:35:00.003-04:00

Hello Everyone!

I'm continuing my weekly color of Funky Fingers and this week's color is.....

Power Play by Funky Fingers

Hair Maintainence/Nail Polish Color of the Week

2010-07-26T16:04:00.008-04:00

Hello everyone!

Sorry I've haven't shown yall what my nail colors and hair styles has been for the past 2-3 weeks. I've been super busy with taking a summer class. Anyway, the following pics are for the past month of July. For my hair, I mostly like my hair in bantu knots or pin ups so it's mostly curly. Lastly, my nails I love bright colors for the hot occasion so thats what I've been rocking! Let me know what yall think!!! Have a blessed one......

Last week's color was: Funky Fingers South Hampton Seafoam

Last Week's Hair Style: Bantu Knots with larger Bantu Knots in the front

*it was flat twisted in the front then big bantu knots the ends but I forgot to take a pic of it. But this is the flat look later in the week.*This week for my hair I just did two strand twists then twisted those two strands into a huge bantu knots. It just gave a wavy/curly look. Nothing too different than the previous picture.

This week's nail color: L.A Colors Magnectic Force

This color surprised me how bright it was once the sun hit it. It's actually an organge/peachy color so this is what it looks like while I was driving....

Hope you enjoyed!!!

Hair Maintainence

2010-07-09T19:53:00.004-04:00

Hello People!

Sorry I haven't been blogging over the past week but I've been super busy. I decided to take a summer class for this "future" that I have planned for myself! Recently, I've been learning alot of styles from people on Youtube so I'm trying them out on both my mom and myself. So here's two styles that I've done over the past month. Hope yall enjoy! Have a blessed one.

Left: two cornrows with a twist. Back is completely out.

Right: Basket weave in the front and knots holding the rest of my hair going to the nap of my neck.

Nail Color of The Week!

2010-06-30T01:40:00.004-04:00

Hello People!!
My nail color of the week isn't posted in my last nail polish post because I brought it afterwards. I was going into the beauty supply store to get some shampoo and conditioner and then BAM I saw this beautiful color!!! Anyway, hopefully yall will enjoy it.

Barbie Pink by KleanColors

Food, Sports, Sex and Video Games:The Way to a Man's Heart

2010-06-20T15:08:00.008-04:00

I grew up with two brothers, a father and a bunch of uncles but men are still difficult to understand. No matter how much you try to dissect, break apart, or even relate to men, they are a totally different species from women. Now don't get me wrong, they're not stupid nor disconnected from the world, they're just wired a little differently from women.

As I matured, my understanding of men have also. I can say from my experiences from previous relationships, long talks with friends and family and awkward conversations with my father, I can state an opinion about men. They simply want a woman who are semi-understandable to their needs and wants along with some space. Men truly want a feminine woman who can act like "one of the boys", that don't trip about the simple matters of the world, that can watch the game, give great sex, cook and appreciate them for who they really are. It's that simple right? WRONG! Women have a different temperament from men. We love to cuddle, kiss, hug, are attention whores, love to shop, adore typical date movies, romantic evenings long walks and breakfast in bed; the complete opposite. Now not all women are like that, as a matter of fact I'm not a smothering woman because I too love my "space" too. But I know when to become that "attention whore" when I feel neglected.

Men now a days are mostly about money, sex, music, clothes, cars, hoes and video games. This is the harsh reality these days that us "hopeless romantics" have to face. The chivalrous man hardly exists today. We're now faced with more thugs, homosexuals, aspiring *fill in the blank* and lazy men than we had some 30 years ago. But we do still have a majority of men who are the opposite to those negative attributes but they have the damnest time finding a reasonable mate. Why you ask??? Women are now too into themselves and their own feelings, their wants and needs that they don't ask their men, mates, jump offs, "friends with benefits", husbands and fiance's what they need nor want. I can say, us women have become selfish, self suffient and self absorbed.

Men sometimes are the sole bread winner, while the women either sit at home and take care of the kids, spend up all their money and/or watch Maury's "3 Babies, 1 Father, Paternity Result" shows all day. When they come home to wind down, drink a beer, wine or liquor, the last thing they want to hear is our complaints, ideas and problems. Majority of the time, they want to zone out, eat, play video games, surf the net, commit to their hobbies, play with the kids, get some sex and go to sleep. Now that's real talk! I'm not saying that us women need to stand back and let our men simply walk over us, abuse/use us nor ignore us. I'm saying, ask your man how his day was, ask him if he's hungry, allow the kids to give daddy some time to breathe, rub his feet, his back, kiss him, hug him, simply show him how much he's been missed and loved. A man's ego loves to be stroke along with his manly counterparts. (I'm just saying, lol)

A man is going to be a man regardless if he has you or not. Therefore, incorporate yourself into his lifestyle, his hobbies and his friends. You'll never know how much you'll like what he's doing until you try it. If the man plays football, golf, basketball, soft ball, soccer, etc., see how you can support him and his team. Become a cheerleader, wear his number, have a bake sale, host monthly parties for the team, and/or buy him some new equipment. A man wants to know and see that you're there to support him in whatever he do. If not, there is room to creep and lie. You don't want that! Remember what you won't do, another woman will do but better.

Allow a man to have a reasonable time, day and hours to zone out in his own world as long as yall have an understanding of the rule and restrictions you all have agreed upon. If you know your man loves to come home play video games till dinner is ready, allow him to so. But after dinner you know you want some attention, demand that. A man is going to do whatever you allow him to do. That's something that my own father has told me on numerous occasions. If you all have a family, a MAN while make time for both his wife/kids and hobbies; he will be flexible. But a woman have to be more flexible, why? Because God has made us this way. We are the glue that holds a lot of things together.

Lastly, a man loves food and sex. Those two things are miserably hard for him not to have. Therefore, DO NOT DENY ANY MAN FOOD NOR SEX! This is just a road destined for failure especially if you all are married. Don't go to bed mad with your spouse but talk things out, agree to disagree, kiss and go to sleep in the same bed. This is important because this is what makes a marriage works. I am NOT married nor am I an expert but I know common sense when I see it. Again, I have learned a lot from my brothers, father, uncles and guy friends and family members. I do not take for granted the knowledge that they passed down to me. I'm simply expressing my thoughts because I have repeatedly been considered the "it" girl around men.

They've come to me and explained to me how I have a glow about myself, complimented me on how I carry myself in conversations and situations. They have asked me numerous amount of times, "Jamale why are you so cool?" I can't answer that question seriously because to some men I'm one way and to others I'm the best. I simply carry myself as myself. I don't fake nor do I cover up who I really am. I was raised around men. Men who know who and what they want. I was raised around men who played sports (my father and younger brother played football while my older brother played basketball). I sat there quiet for years watching games but then I started asking questions about the game, calling out plays, fouls, flags, etc. I don't know the whole game like a pro but I'm better than plenty of my female counterparts. I played video games with my brothers and watched them play it for hours while helping them out with ideas of how to beat their games. I observe, I'm very attentive, I'm open minded. Hence why I'm not like other females. I've learned men are just as complicated, complexed and fragile just like use females are. They desire, hurt, cry, get excited and are determined for the same things as we are, they just show it differently. Consequently, break out that nutshell and free your mind, fore your ass will follow!

Love Is A Lie

2010-06-20T04:22:00.004-04:00

Love is not patient.

Love is not kind.

Love will take you and sneak an attack from behind.

Love is not sweet.

Love is not blind.

Love will anger any soul and it shows no sign.

Love is not perfect.

Love is not wisdom that comes with time.

Love is an angel in disguise.

Love will look you in the eye, smile and lie.

Hair Maintainence

2010-06-15T17:52:00.003-04:00

So this week I've decided to do a basket weave for my hair. I should be learning new styles soon so I hope yall are enjoying!!

Nail Color of the Week

2010-06-15T17:45:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone! My nail color of the week is......

Mint Apple by Sinful Colors

My Trip to the Beauty Supply Store....

2010-06-13T16:49:00.004-04:00

So today I went to the beauty supply store and got some nail polish and eye shadows (my favs!). I came out with a steal so I wanted to share them with you. I'm debating which one I wanted to pick for the nail polish color of the week...so we shall see. Enjoy!

Left to Right:

Klencolor~Blue Pearl

Sinful Colors~Soul Mate

Sinful Colors~Mint Apple

Wild and Crazy~Larousse

Middle:

La Color~Magnetic Force

La Colors~Static Electricity

Front:

Tri Eyeshadow by NYX~

Shangri-La

NYX~ Red Head

Hair Maintainence

2010-06-04T18:04:00.009-04:00

Hello you guys!

I just wanted to share with you all my experience of doing my own hair. Usually, I go to a salon or my hair dressers house to get my hair done but recently, I haven't been able to do so. (She has disappeared) Therefore, I've been doing my own hair for the past two months. I believe I'm going to share my hair journey of different styles on here so hope you all enjoy!!!

Bantu Knots

Left: with the Bantu Knots in for 3 days

Right: Bantu Knots taken down *frontal veiw*

Left: Side view

Right: Top view

Facial Care

2010-06-04T12:16:00.016-04:00

Over the past 5 months, I must say my face has done a complete 360! I've always been the type that didn't have many acne problems nor pimples. If I did have one or two, I'll just simply wash my face more and keep my hands away from my face. But recently, this haven't been working for me.

Around March 2010, I've been experiencing more outbreaks, black/white heads and acne scars. I FREAK OUT!!! My body wants to wait until I'm 27 yrs. old to just do it's own thing! It's a little embarrassing for anyone to break out with a pimple but to continuously get them is getting beyond embarrassed. In fact, you become a little self conscious. Not because it's a pimple or little bumps but you're wondering "Are they looking at my eyes or the pimple on my forehead?" No one wants to have that feeling.

Therefore, I took it upon myself to try out some other alternatives to my skin care. I was using Ambi Daily Facial Scrub and that worked great. But the only thing I didn't like about the product is that it leaves behind a film on my skin. So I had to use my Astringent to remove that, otherwise, my face felt "heavy" in a way. Along with the facial wash, I was using Ambi's Facial Moisturizer. Now what I'm really feeling is that the "black products" are now putting SPF in the formulas. A lot of people of color don't realize that we too can hurt our skin by constant wear and tear in the sun.

Again, around March 2010, my face wasn't liking this product, and decided that it wanted to break out. I asked a good girlfriend of mines, a recommend facial wash that she likes, used or have heard work really well. She then told me how she came upon a facial wash that our mutual friend left over her house. She showed me the bottle and I immediately went out and brought the product. (I was tired of these little bumps on my face!!!) So I went out and brought the Biore' Pore Unclogging Scrub. This cleanser was great! It immediately (within the week) cleared up my face. On the front of it said that it's better than Proactiv. Now I don't know because I never used Proactiv but I must say I was impressed!

So I decided that I needed to change my moisterizer too because like my Ambi cleanser, my moisterizer came to an end. I didn't know that Biore' had three different lines of facial regiems. But I came across the Biore' Skin Preservation. Whats different about this is it's a moisterizer and a spf 30!!! This moisterizer saved my life. LOL. But it's a very refreshing feeling moisterizer and keeps my skin pretty.

Along with my Biore' facial wash and moisterizer, I decided that I wanted to try some other products of theirs. I haven't done much trying because my skin is very sensitive but I have tried the Deep Cleansing Pore Strips. These strips focus on the areas of your nose and under your eyes. It uplifts those horrible white/blackheads that linger in your pores. It's very easy to use. Just a matter of watering your nose area, apply the strip, and leave on for 10-15 mins. Then wooo-lah, you have fantasic skin! Now I was using them once a week and then I had to stop because I was breaking out. Not because of the product but due to my sensitive skin, I was overusing the product and it was drying out my skin. So I would recommend you using it once a month. Unless, you have hard core skin and you don't mind the dryness around your nose area, knock yourself out! LOL. I really like this product though. So I'll continue to use it. I can see the difference in my face.

Now something thats different between my face and yours, is that I have a combination skin type. Therefore, in the morning my face can be dry-normal but by the end of the evening, my face is oily as hell!!! It simply can look like I have thrown a lot of oil on my face and my pimples isn't a great background either. So I had to wash my face in the evenings so I won't get anymore bacteria and pimples on my face. But I needed also needed to get rid of those past acne scars aka hyperpigmentation. Those are the worst for people of color!!! I'm sometime a picker of my pimples (yea I know it's bad!!) but you have to understand no one wants to walk around with a huge pimple on their chin/forehead/cheeck,etc. So sometimes I'll bust them. Therefore, it'll leave scars later. So I didn't want to have a clear face and a lot of dark pigmentations on my skin. So I googled and Youtubed how I can get rid of them and I came across this...

Yep thats what it is, sugar and lemon! I thought "what will this little concocktion going to do for my face??" Women on Youtube swear by it! I saw it many years ago ask a nautural exfloxiation but not as a hyperpigmentation treatment. So since many women lived by these simple natrual grown products, I said I'll try it. So mid-April, I stared using the lemon/sugar scrub. At first, it burned like hell!!! Yes the lemon was penetrating my pores but thats a good thing. It was getting those areas where I had those dark spots (mostly on my left cheeck). The women do it either everyday, once a week or once a month. Myself, I use it 2-3 times a week in subsitute for my nightly cleasner (the Biore'). It really makes your skin look and feel great! See God put things here for us to use naturally, it's just a matter of using them.

Now usually afterwards, my senstive skin shows its true colors and is dying to for some moisterinzing. But before I do that, depending on the day, I use two different masks. I came across a mint mask (CVS brand of Queen Helene's Mint Mask) for those stubborn pores that were open, allowing the bacteria to enter. This is suppose to srink my pores and refresh my face. I usually use this mask twice a week, Tues and Thurs. It's a really cool sensation and I can feel my pores literally srinking. LOL. I know it sounds weird but it works for me. I'm happy with the results. Now on the other days, Mon, Wed, and Frid., I'll do another mask to whiten up those hyperpigmentation marks or to srink my pimples. The Mario Badescu Whiting Mask....... This mask isn't bad either. At first, I was soley using this before the mint mask. My only problem with the product is, I have a white film left on my face. I sorta look like a clown once I'm finished washing my face. No matter the water temperature I use to wash my face, the product is still on my face. Each mask I usually leave on for like 10 mins, where the mint mask come off with no problem but the Mario Badecsu is a lot of washing off. It works to srink my pimples but as far as whiting, I really don't know since I'm using the lemon/suguar scrub along with both masks. I don't think I'm going to buy this product again because of the left over white film. Other than that, I have no complaints about the product and I plan to use it up.

Lastly, I changed my astringent and nightly moisterizer. I was using Sea Breeze Sensitve Skin Astringent and Ponds Dry Skin Cream but they weren't working for me. The Sea Breeze was a little harsh for my skin. So I needed to change it to Witch Hazel or find an astringent with Witch Hazel in it. Witch Hazel is a natural toner, that evens out the hyperpigmentation along with cleansing your pores. So I stubbled upon a astringent that has both witch hazel and is a toner, which is Olay's Refreshing Toner.

Funny thing is, it actually smells good and it doesn't dry up my skin like the other astringents did. As you can see, I've been using it up quite a bit and I'm satisfied with the product. I use astringent more in the summer time than in winter because of the weather. As a result of the heat, my skin gets more oily in the summer than in the winter. In the winter, my skin is thristy for moisterizer so I only use astringent once a day in the winter. Like I said previously, my skin is oily as hell at the end of the day in the summer. So the astringent helps even out the hyperpigmentation plus tame that oil. Lastly, for a nightly moisterizer, I use Bio Oil (I have the CVS brand). This skin treatment is suppose to even out those acne scars, stretch marks and moisterize dry skin. Pefect for me!
This oil gives my skin the enough moisture needed after a long day for sun, heat and abuse. I usually apply it before bed but I dont go to sleep right after the application. The reason why not because it'll greese up my pillows! You have to allow time to penetrate your deeper layers of skin. Really rub the oil into your skin and you'll be fine. It leaves my face refresh for the morning!

Twilight

2010-05-29T09:17:00.002-04:00

You fall into my arms and I die inside. That's how you make me feel every time I hold you. I have this overwhelming feeling of discomfort. I'm lost. Alone. Vulnerable.

You hold a special part of me many men will never to be able to see. I don't know how I allowed myself to fall into this lonely hole so deep. I fell in love with a man who don't possess a heart. He lives off the pain from others. He who holds my heart hands it back every chance he gets.

I hold you close. I play with your face. I admire you. I want you. Every time you hold me, I get cold. I feel clamy, waiting to pass out from this unforgiven feeling.....I then get furious! I want to hate you, forget the man whom I feel in love with. I prayed secretly to ask God to let you go but I had no faith in that prayer. I'm not ready to let go of a possibility, a possibility of what though?

You have shown me that you're a man with a one track mind but I always seem to fall back into your world. Alice in the Wonderland is what I am now. Slowly falling into that dark hole again. Feeling myself loosing control of myself, thoughts and body. I hate you, I really do but somehow my love for you overrule. Let me go please. Release me from this voodo that you have over me.

I'm slowly loosing myself while loving you....

Written 1/23/2010
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Recovering Addict

2010-05-16T13:02:00.002-04:00

The dictionary defines love as tender, passionate affection. I define it as a drug. A drug that so many of us chase afterwards, loose our minds, houses, friends, jobs, cars and even religion over. Really think about it, there is really no difference between a drug addict and a person in love.
An addict will rob, steal and sale their bodies for the next high. They will tighten their lips, arms, thighs and feet to feel that liquid poison crawl within their veins or being blown out of their brains. Addicts will curse, isolate, withdraw themselves from the world. But "normal" people look down upon them.
Its a shame you really don't see the difference between an addict and a person in love. A person in love will too rob, steal, lie and sale their souls for the feeling of being loved. They will open their legs to lust, open their mouths for foreplay and they will tighten their muscles for the penetration of his thrust. They will lay in bed past three and forget about the God they have once seen. You see there really isn't a difference.
A person in love will lay down and have babies by a man whom is selfish in every way just to desire love. They will purposely forget, isolate, consume, and wrap their lives around love. They will soon forget about the world. You see there really isn't a difference between you and me....
Hello my name is Jamale and I'm a love addict.
I was once lost. I was once engulfed in a man. I was once living my life, hourly, minutely, secondly around his time. I was chasing a hope and a prayer; a selfish desire. I was once laying down many times, anticipating the thrust of lust. The penetration ran me wild. I once lost my mind. I lost the world.
I later broke free after the man shown me whom he really meant to be. He digused himself as a gentleman. A man whom I could trust, love and cherish. He was a lie. Another "drug" for me to get high. A deadly disease of the mind. I prayed to be set free but it wasn't until I saw the reflection of the drug addict in the mirror, staring back at me.
I am recovering addict, over lover. Recovering from a love I can't get over.

Written 5/16/2010
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

My Introduction of Love to You

2010-01-07T13:38:00.002-05:00

*Lathan*

You were suppose to be a man that I adored from a distance. A fantasy, never a dream come true. My imagination ran wild whenever your name come up. My thoughts seemed to break free from the world. Drifting to a place that I thought I knew.

I feel in love with a beautiful stranger.

I dedicated my time and devotion only to you. You were suppose to be a man that I knew from a far, never a man that I could fall in love with. I'm drowning in a world that's invaded by every memory of you. I can't help but to fall deeper and deeper in love with you. You have me stuck...lost...engulfed....mesmerized.

This is a love poem is about you.

I layed many sleepless nights thinking about you. Playing with every little thought that I could do to you. I wanted you and I wanted you bad but my lips couldn't produce the right words to say how much I adored you. Now I'm fighting. Fighting a battle with my emotions. This is an unfair claim to the game. I want to express to you how bad I exclusively want only you but you're not ready. You're not ready to be loved correctly. You're allowing your pride steal away your chance at real love. But...

I'm still dedicated to only you.

Love is tatted on my left arm as a sign, a reminder, hope that it still exists. I look up at your face and smile because its evident that love is slowly creeping its ways out of the shadows. You're a sign that God exists. You're a reminder that I can dream. You're my hope to love again. You gave me life. A world renewed.

I will always love you.

Ink written on a pad, words spoken, memories imprinted and tears roll down my face. I'm in love with a beautiful stranger that doesn't know I exist. He sees me. He breathes me. He lays with me. But he don't really know me. My heart bleeds every time I smell his presence. I cry internally every time he smiles. He cuts me with his words. But still I'm not ready to let go. Fearful because I believe in something those can't really see. I believe in an everlasting love between you and me. But when will you see?

This is only my introduction of love to you.

Written 12/31/2009
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

A heartless man

2009-12-19T21:20:00.003-05:00

I can honestly say I've met my share of men. Some overwhelming, mean, rude, heartless, loving, caring, hopeless, etc. But nothing has prepared me for what I went through recently.....

I've have given a lot of thought to my upcoming relationships. I never want to be what I use to be. Cold and distant. I've missed my chance at love because of that once but never again I promised myself. I know underneath all that thick layer of skin, I'm a very loving and carefree person. Once I let my guard down, they do get to see that. But they always take that for granted. I thought that maybe if I give my heart another chance, I wont be blocking my upcoming blessings.

I've decided to share my intimate feelings about a man whom I've been wanting for a long time. I watched and waiting for this man for months. I did my research, made sure no one else was trying to take the bait and let things flow. I didn't want to seem desperate or crazy so good things come to those who wait. I waited patiently, dying to tell him how I really feel. I finally gotten my chance months ago. I spilled this man, my deep feelings. Everything that I been replaying in my mind, over and over again. I finally got it out! I felt relived once he knew the truth. At first he was taken back but flattered. Afterwards, we were inseparable. I had finally gotten the chance to selfishly have him for myself.

We of course like any other "couple" who first start to get to know each other, have their spats. No serious arguments but I never understood why this man never gave me information, simple information. It wasn't like I was trying to hack into his account and take all his money, have his baby and take over his life. I was intrigued about this man. I like older men and he was perfect. Little did I know this man was a lie. He was a secret which I felt wasn't right but I kept telling myself that I'm fine. Everything will work out in the end. I was lying to myself and God. It's amazing how God place people, places and things in your view to stop you from making the same mistake but I wanted to be hard headed. I put myself out there, mind, body and soul. Without hesitation, I always made myself "available." I was mentally setting aside time to spend with him but he wasn't doing the same. I gave without wanting anything in return. I loved unconditionally.

He hurt me really bad. To my soul. My core. He accused me of lying to him and I didn't. We never crossed that threshold of becoming one, boyfriend/girlfriend but he treated me as such and so did I. I wanted him so long, why would I bother with anything else? He completely cut me out of his life within a matter of hours. Deleted me like I meant nothing to him. Stated that I lied for no reason and I knew the real reason why he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I was crushed, clueless. How can you tell a person goodbye and don't explain to them why you don't want them anymore? I didn't just loose a lover but I lost a friend. I enjoyed his company, his masculinity, his jokes, smile, his stories. I was smitten in can say. But he didn't feel the same.

I can honestly say I don't know why we fell apart. He took my heart stomped on it, let it bleed and laughed in my face. He was someone I didn't really know. I thought this was a man who was ready to love but I was wrong. He clearly has some emotional/trust issues that I can not help him with. What he needs to do before he allows anyone else in his life is to understand true communication, definition of love and sacrifice. Those three things that he doesn't possess right now. I do and always will love the man whom I kept close to me. He was my secret, my prize, my trophy. It hurts but I rather had that experience then never. I learn from each and every experience. I prepares me for each battle that I conquer. In the past I would have said "fuck love" but I'm saying I'm ready to love again. I'm not letting that "baggage" affect my future. God blessed me by hurting me. It'll hurt for a little bit but it'll feel so much better once the storm is over.

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a teardrop." Anonymous

The "Sexy" Smoker

2009-12-18T08:13:00.002-05:00

I titled this blog post "sexy smoker" because of a discussion I had with a male coworker of mines. I stated to him and his supervisor at work that I dated a smoker before and preferably not again. After them asking why I explained to them that whenever I kissed that guy I tasted the nicotine! I could have went home and brushed my teeth, woke up the next morning and still taste the cigarette!

My coworker whom I call "Superstar", said Megan Good smokes and he'll date her any day regardless of her bad smoking habit. That's something that I didn't understand. How can you look past that bad habit? Superstar said "because its MEGAN GOOD JAMALE!!!" Yea that's all fine and dandy but you have to look at how she'll look like in 5-10 years.

A lot of people look past this bad habit because its become accepted greatly in our community. I'm not going to lie, I have tried a cigarette when I was in the 7th grade. We all looked up to those "cool kids" growing up and saw that they were doing it, so it must have been ok, right? WRONG!!! From that first puff, I felt my lungs overwhelmed with smoke and I immediately started coughing. Soon after that I also was diagnosed with asthma so I knew my "smoking days" was over!

I was trying to explain to Superstar that even though Megan Good looks nice now, her habits don't! Superstar's supervisor stated that he dated a girl whom had smoked. He didn't mind it in the beginning but then later into the relationship he noticed that if she didn't get that cig, she would be a complete BITCH! I shook my head in agreement. I have family members whom smoked since the rip ages of 11-15 and now well in their 70's. I have noticed if they don't get that cigarette, they have the worse attitude and headache until they get that cigarette.

Have you ever noticed that when the smokers go outside during a break how relived/happy they are once that cigarette is lightened and smoke is inhaled? That's what kills me. That one little cancer stick give you that much joy? Why can't people just get high off life? Enjoy what God has placed here on Earth for them naturally. I never want to be looked at sideways because of a heavy addiction such as smoking. To me, women who smokes disgust me. No offense but how can you claim that to be cute?

Beauty is something that we're blessed with when we're born. Beauty isn't something that is seen physically but also something that is shown in our personality. So how can you kiss/love someone whom loves that addiction more than you? Superstar said he had the affect to ask Megan Good to quit that addiction if he wanted her to. I laughed and gave him and example. What if she got pregnant and she was still smoking? Superstar and his supervisor stated that she wouldn't do that. They believed that a woman would stop because of their motherly instinct will kick in and they would stop.

What a lot of people fall to understand is that a lot of women really don't stop. Their addiction is that strong that they can't find the strength to stop. Even though a child will be a good reason to do so, they can not find the will power to accept that challenge. They didn't believe me. Superstar wanted stats and facts. He wanted me to name some people that I know who didn't stop smoking once they became pregnant. I politely named three people. Now that's only three people I know but there are a lot more women that do smoke while with child.

This whole conversation goes back to my original point, smoking isn't sexy! The nicotine companies make it seem its the coolest thing to do but its really not. Millions of people die everyday people of cancers due to cigarettes. So why decrease your life span? Megan Good won't always look that way. Cigarettes is slowly pulling the life out of her just like any other person who smokes. I'm not picking just on Megan Good, she was just an example that Superstar put forth. But she's a great example of how people would put beauty over their normal standards/expectations. We get wrapped up, relaxed and care free about someone whom we want so bad that we forget what we need.

Now ask yourself if you don't smoke, would date a smoker just because they're everything that you want and more? *think about the consequences*
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

A "Fools" Interpretation of Love

2009-12-12T16:08:00.001-05:00

Love can be defined as many things. Webster can have a simple definition to the feeling. But to me, you can't describe what you sincerely feel. I can hide my feelings outwardly but internally. I'm doing jumping jacks.

I've been asked many times," how do you know you're in love?" To me you can't answer that unless you know what love is. Love is a host of feelings and interpretations balled into one. It's an unbearable feeling of warmth and pleasure filled pain. You really can't control how you feel or the way you express your feelings.

To me love is expressed in many different ways. The old fashion way of showing a person you love them is by saying "I love you" or buying numerous amounts of gifts. But thanks to creativity and technology you have unlimited ideas to express your love. Although, that's all fine and dandy, but I prefer to say the words, "I love you." Why you ask? Because words are so much stronger than actions......

You can show a person all the polite and right ways to express your love but looking into that persons eyes and say sincerely that you love them, that's deep. Emotions overflow as you look that person into their eyes and say that. Now remember when you first told your significant lover that you love them? Those emotions, the chills, the joy, the "love"? Yea that's what love really is. A bundle of the overflow of emotions.

When you mix all those wonderful emotions and express to that person how much you feel, that's an indescribable feeling. But when you tell that person that you love them, make sure you mean it, say it with pride and feel what you say. A heartless "I love you" is painful. Its a lie! Something that should never be taken for granted! There is so many people that missed that opportunity to tell their loved one how they really feel because of their pride, lies or guilt. Don't miss your chance!

When I love, I love hard. I go all out for mines. If it takes me a whole year to tell that man that I sincerely love him, then I'll do so. I don't play with my heart or anyone else's' so I mean what I say. I don't know why people have lost the connection with one another and don't appreciate the true meaning of love. Millions of people have become cold, heartless and shameful. I understand why because the world has become so cold. But I'm striving to be better than that.

I want to live and learn to love harder and better. I've been hurt so I'm bitter but I still some how love. Its no better feeling than being in love. Its an addiction, a fear, a cause and a fault. But we all find ourselves falling back into love.
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Nail Color of the Week

2009-12-07T15:16:00.002-05:00

Hello People!

This is this weeks' Nail color. Enjoy!!

Flying Dragon (Neon)

Pillow

2009-12-03T10:12:00.006-05:00

The sheets are being gripped tightly as I'm painfully getting pleased. Pillows smother me as I scream. I'm lost. Lost in a tightly woven web of lust. Lust that tastes bittersweet.

Eyes closed. Head back as I take many deep breaths. Deeper you go, louder I scream. I can't breathe, I'm losing my scream. The music drowns out my cries for help to the Lord. I brought this upon myself.

I toyed with you. Teased you. Made yo u wait. Now you're on attack. You want me to feel and remember the pain. Slow strokes, deeper as you go. I clinch. I reach. You pull away. You want to toy with the moment. Internally laughing at how much you got my body going.

I pull away. You tell me to suck it up and be strong. I'm trying. I'm trying to maintain my cool but the voodoo that you put on me have me confused. I want it. I yearned for it. So I'll gracefully accept it as I scream into the pillow.

Nail Polish Color of the Week

2009-12-01T14:42:00.005-05:00

Hey People! Happy December! I know I haven't done this in a while but I need to go back to show you guys my nails. Yes I still do polish them, I do my toenails more than I do my finger nails though. LOL. But anyway, my nail polish color of the week is called Black Cherry by Milan. Enjoy!

Video

2009-11-28T22:26:00.003-05:00

When I first saw this def poetry video, I cried! I know alot of you probably thinking I'm crazy as hell but I'm dead serious! I felt the same pain and spoke the same words as her. I haven't seen this video in years but it came to my mind to go find it on YouTube so I wanted to share this with you all. This video is dedicated to all those who have loved and lost! Enjoy!

Prayers Unanswered

2009-11-23T08:10:00.001-05:00

Have you ever found yourself mad at yourself or even God? Things aren't going your way or you can't seem to find yourself reaching towards the top. We all go through this throughout our lifetime. We don't understand nor want theses trails and obstacles but its what makes up stronger.

Over the past two years I have found myself upset with myself for repeated mistakes and decisions. But what I know I have noticed is that I change the way I make my decisions. I have changed internally! I'm still working on me.

When I'm now unsure, confused, sad, happy or lost I find myself crying out to the Lord. My prayers are my hidden thoughts, fears and words that I NEED to get off my chest. I may not understand what my next step will be but I need that clarity from God. Right now I find myself again upset with myself. Why you may ask?......

I'm tired! I'm tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of focusing my positive energy on negative people. When you send out your energy on people, you're suppose to get what you put forth. Now that's a pretty common sense idea but when you keep meeting selfish people its different. I have realized that I keep meeting selfish/self centered, careless people. I go to God in prayer and ask him for clarity and guidance but it seem like I don't get any help.

Is God nicely punishing me? Is he allowing these things to happen to push me towards my purpose? What do I need to do??? I'm confused into what I need to do, where I should go and what do I need to change? I'm frustrated!!! I'm trying to stay focus and grounded but it seems to me right now that I'm stuck. I'm going in circles. I keep falling and getting back up. Why?....

I'm scared to ask God that;why? Why do I go through what I'm going through now? Why can't I get the opportunities, chances and better options? I know God will deny some things that aren't right for you but when will I receive the chance to have the "real thing." I know I don't ask for much. Believe it or not, I'm a very simple person with complex decisions. But God know the desires of my heart.
Patiently waiting....
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Magnets

2009-11-19T23:06:00.004-05:00

"my *crush*"

Two souls from a different world, a different time, a different mind set. Walked different paths to end up at the same crossroads. Facing one another with smiles and compassion.

We're lost in our own thoughts. Stuck in between a 10 year difference but that doesn't stop us. We're drawn to one another uncontrollably. Tensions run high, souls on fire, while minds roam free. I want you......

You want me......

We played. We flirted. We danced. Now it's time to let go of all fears. Let our minds free, explore each others bodies, enjoy each others kiss. We're so far but so close. Our bodies are fighting this feeling but our souls eventually will win........

Magnets push to pull but they also stick together like glue. Based on their electrical charge, it'll either do one of the same. But love is the name of the game. We will move our bodies to the same rhythm. In tune our minds to form into one. Beatting the congos. Magnets pushing to pull......

Pushing to pull, pull to push. In and out. Up and down. Our bodies will move to the rhythm of this electrically charged beat. We're magnets. Postivite and negative. Two poles from different atmospheres. Two souls from a different world, a different time, a different place, laying here occupying the same space.....we're magnets

GodS

2009-10-08T20:34:00.002-04:00

I am an unique individual that can be difficult to understand. I am a strong young woman that can handle any man. I am a fool sometimes that can make mistakes. I am a creative woman with a beautiful face. I am someone who is mischievous in a nice way. I am my words, something that you can never say. I am someone who is nothing more and nothing less. I am a GodS!

LEO

2009-08-27T16:24:00.003-04:00

I can close my eyes and revisit that moment in time where we bent minutes into seconds and made it ours. We were intertwine into one another. Together we both forgot about our problems, struggles, issues, baggage and insecurities. That night time was on our side.

The way you kiss me leaves lasting impressions in my memory. I can close my eyes and touch you, feel you; I can even taste you. As your tongue manages it's way deep inside my throat, I let go. I let into your caress. Your hands aggressively touches my face as you yearn and fiend for more of my minted lips. You smile at me. I melt.

I want you. I want you badder than the fiend need his next hit. I want to feel you inside of me. Taking all of me inside of you. Touching spots that haven't been touched in years. Kissing places that I've dreamed of. Do whatever you want to me. Tease me, please me. Want me.

Time stopped that night with you. I felt as though I found the man whom I prayed for. The man whom God has promised me. I can close my eyes and hear you whisper in my ear all the nasty things dreamed. I feel you smiling at me. I feel you touching me. Roaming through my jungle woods, enjoying the sounds. You kiss me in my dreams. You haunt my thoughts. You have control of my mind. You're the King to my untamed jungle.

Written 8/27/2009

The Stepchild of Society

2009-08-20T21:57:00.007-04:00

I'm only accepted because I can benefit you in a way.

When I'm not needed, I'm pushed to the side and unloved because my skin isn't fair.

I am stepped down upon because of my nappy hair.

I'm talked over because my conversation isn't the center of attention.

I'm silent.

I'm withdrawn.

I'm barely even there.

Misunderstood is my middle name.

I'm a lack of many shames.

I scream louder to be heard.

But no one still hear my pain.

I dress sexier but no one even look my way.

I am unwanted because I don't "fit" within the normal limits.

I'm constantly being disrespected because I'm that "fat friend with a pretty name."

I don't fit.

I don't belong.

I'm an outcast to what they consider a norm.

I am ugly yet pretty in a way.

I am tolerated but not wanted.

I'm never begged or pleaded to stay.

My skin feels foreign to me.

Is this who God really placed me here to be?

I'm silent.

I'm withdrawn.

I'm a stepchild to this society to which we all belong.

I Walk Alone

2009-08-16T22:02:00.003-04:00

I stood in the world alone, facing the East skies. Crying silently, hoping the heavens will hear me. Finally facing defeat, I walk alone.

I'm misunderstood and no one understands my pain. I'm lost. I'm alone. I scream and no one hears me. Do I need to scream louder? Do I need to be someone else for people to understand me? Do I need to follow the in crowds for people to recognize me?

I chose a path not much traveled. I chose a life that many will pass on. I chose an attitude that many will not like. I was born alone. Facing a world that's harsh and heartless. No one cares. No one truly understand.

I stand facing the sun. Praying that the sun won't blind me. My tears dried from the heat. My skin is kissed gently, one layer at a time. I yearn for understanding. I long for an equilibrium. I was born alone. I will die alone. So I walk alone.....

Written 8/15/2009

Running

2009-08-06T08:44:00.003-04:00

(Joshua)

I'm dreaming a dream that will never come true. I'm falling in love with someone that I've never knew. I find myself running back to a love thats brand new.

I'm lost.
I"m alone.
I'm confused.

Why do I find myself back to a situation that I thought I left behind? Only to fall back into a depressive state of mind. Why do I love you? Why do I even care? When I needed you, you were barely even there.

The noise is too loud.
My world is turing upside down.
My head dives in the palms of my hands.

I've cried so many tears over you. I've lost so much pride when I'm not with you. I've let myself go because of you. Because of you, I don't want to love again! I feel loving is a complete lost and a blind sin.

I'm running.....
I'm running.....
I'm running.....

I swear to God I want to let you go but I don't know how. You have been my yearly dose of medicine. I fiend for you. I breathe your air. I inhale your colonge even when you're not there. I touch you, I feel you, I yearn for you. You have been my "pusha man" for so long, I don't know how it feels to be sober anymore.

My soul is weak.
I can't breathe.
I'm in a manic state of mind.
I'm running, I'm running
I gotta run away from you........

Written 8/5/2009

A Church to Call MY Own

2009-08-02T12:42:00.004-04:00

Once I finished college I decided that I was going to go back to my home church and participate in almost everything. I was very focused and determined to get myself together spiritually. So that following month, June 2005, I started off at vacation bible school. I pushed my mom to attend every evening sermons and other activities they had. I was super excited to be back at my home church. But something wasn't right in my soul. I wasn't receiving the word correctly. I wasn't feeling welcomed. I wasn't feeling like I belonged. This small church that I once knew wasn't the same. They have since moved into a huge, mega church while I was away in college. They seem to have so many "funds" you can donate to. The Pastor stepped back and let other Ministers preach the word. By the end of the summer I knew I had to move on and get another church to fulfill my soul.

There I was again lost in the world without a place to call my home. To upkeep my attendance in the church, I attended church at my grandmother's church. This is our family church which all the grandchildren, aunts, uncles and cousin still gathered together for numerous amount of activies. The parishioners there are wonderful people and the Pastor is a wonderful guy. But all the members including the Pastor are well past my age. I have no one to relate to. They don't have alot of ministries nor do they do alot of community activities. So I knew that was a church I'll just visit occasionally.

I started a new job March 2008 and started telling one of my coworkers about my church woes. She agreed with me on some many levels how she went through some of the same situations. She told me I'm more than welcomed to visit her church home. I expressed to her that I wanted a small, humble church home. Somewhere I feel safe but my soul can receive it's weekly feeding of the word. She then told me her church might be a perfect fit for me. I was thinking initially I heard that before but let me give it a chance. So on June 2008, I visited her church. Instantly, I was smothered with nothing but love and overwhelming welcomes. Everyone was so nice and understanding. The Pastor was someone that everyone could relate to. He was once out there in the streets doing everything wrong under the moon and sun. He was once a heroin addict, womanizer and someone whom carried an anger problem. That first sermon was amazing. The church was absolutely amazing! I immediately went home and prayed to God to please show me if this church is right for me. By the next Sunday, I found myself at the church's alter giving myself to the church.

I was overwhelmed with so much joy and happiness! I finally found the church that I felt so comfortable with. I lived the word. I spread the word. I gave up alot of things. Such things as ways of thinking, attitude, men, friends and money. Everything that needed to be done right, I did it. I did it without hesitation because I believed in what I was doing was right. My church family was my extended family. I told my coworkers, my family and friends about this church all the time. I got my mom to come out and visit too. So from the months of June thru October I was very dedicated to my church. I was so proud of myself because I've never been so focused and dedicated to something so small but big in my whole life.

After the election of Barack Obama, we all went to church overwhelmed with pride! My church all worked so hard to promote Obama and his campaign so we in a way went to hear the word but celebrate in the process also. The Pastor opened up his sermon about the winning campaign of Obama so the sermon's subject was about CHANGE. We all listened closely as we all took in the word and examples of the sermon. Near the end of the sermon, the Pastor asked us all were we all ready for a change? Of course we all are ready for a change. We're Christians and we have to change everyday with the times. But his next words were a shock to our souls. He told us that that Sunday was the last Sunday in the building! We were like huh? Him and his wife decided to merge our congregation with his Pastor's congregation. At first we thought some of those church members were coming to our church but then he explained further that WE were closing doors. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. How did this happen to me?

The following Sunday we were suppose to all meet up at the other church to be introduced to the whole congregation. But I couldn't get myself out of bed that morning. I had a mini anxiety attack. It finally set in that my "perfect" church was gone. How could the Lord give me such a beautiful church and take it away from me in the matter of five months? In such a small time, I changed some pretty big things. I was devastated! Therefore, I couldn't find myself out of bed that Sunday nor no Sunday after that. I still prayed and kept my eyes on God no matter what. I also talked to my coworker whom introduced me to the church almost everyday about my feelings. During the closing of the church doors, she was out on maternity leave so I had to call her to tell her about the closing. She and her husband didn't believe me until they rode past the church and saw the Realtors lock on the door. She cried. We cried.

The Pastor decided to call or email each one of his members because apparently alot of people didn't merge with the new church. From what I heard from my coworker, she said only 3 people merge with the new church out of over 50 members. That's alot of people that was obviously hurt and devastated. Finally I emailed the Pastor to let him know how I really felt about all the transformation. Within the email, I explained to him how hurt I was and how much him and his wife have motivated me to change directions in my life. How dedicated and serious I was about the church for it to only close it's doors in my face. His simple reply was that he was the overseer of the church and he and his wife saw it best to close the doors. No explanation, no apologies, no love! I felt lost, hurt and pained. How dare you close the doors without your paying congregation and without the elders knowing?? He simply left everyone hanging!

After that I didn't know what to do about that situation. I wanted to go see this new church but I couldn't find myself doing so. First of off it's a "mega church" with three locations, you have to make appointments to see the Pastor, it's too far and I wouldn't feel comfortable. So I decided against it. Since then I really haven't attended church. Not because I lost my faith but because all these surrounding churches are just too big! I'm a woman that like small, southern style churches. I love the unity of small churches and the intimacy of them. They care and love their members. They didn't loose focus of what it is to still suffer. Like I'm doing now, suffering.

When YOU should Let Go of an Ex!!!!!

2009-07-07T19:28:00.004-04:00

We all, regardless of sex, have gone down that lonely road of revisiting the thought of an ex boyfriend/girlfriend. For some of us it works out perfect and for others it can be quite a learning experience. Like many bloggers, I want to share my experience and lessons learned from revisiting that terrible road of MISSING AN EX.

So there was this guy that we'll name "Mark." Mark was a high school sweetheart of mines. Someone whom I would have done anything for. I would have "cut a bitch" over him, ride or die, and even layed down and had his kids. (Woooooaaahhh, deep I know! LOL) But the point is, I love that man. I love that man even when everyone wanted him for all that he could offer them. You see he was a start athlete, a man of many jokes, dressed fly as hell and all the girls wanted him. BUT he wanted me! We had this attraction towards one another that no one could break apart. I was taken back how much this man loved me in high school but I loved every minute of it. After high school, I ventured out to college. At my university, it was a "handful" of African Americans because I went to a majority white school. But that didn't stop me from taking trips home to explore the company of other men. Can you believe at one point in time I was boy crazy??? Funny huh?((DISCLAIMER: I WAS FAR FROM A HO!!!)) But that's what most young, attractive girls do when they go off to college. I've met so many different types of men and from each of them they were a lesson learned but I always seemed to run back to Mark.

We always met back on common ground, LOVE. We knew we loved each other but sometimes because of our age and maturity we couldn't really get too serious to express our real feelings. He was getting pretty serious about me my last semester at college. So serious to the point that this man proposed to me. That was a huge shock for me because for one it was in front of my mother and for two he was actually very serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. That to me is a serious commitment and I adored him but I was too young (21) to really take this man serious and I wasn't ready to officially become Mrs. (fill in the blank). Hell at the ripe age of 21, I was just understanding me and learning to really love me and other people but I knew I loved him. We soon broke apart to eventually come back together 2 years later. Again at that time I wasn't really ready to accept his "seriousness" about me because I had too much on my plate. I was really stressing! I had my own apartment, bills out the waaaaa zoo, student loans and working three jobs! How can I really take this man into my life if I'm dealing with a million and one things at that time. Need less to say, we broke apart. But this time it was all my fault. I pushed away a man whom I took for granted. I believed that he was coming back and I had no worries, I'll see him next year. Well hell, little did I know this man wasn't coming back.

The following year, I was hurt! I literally dropped to my knees and prayed to God. I prayed that this man will be allowed to be back into my life because I know out of all the men I've ever been with, loved or wrote about, he actually loved ME. It was some sad, sad days to come after those many prayers. I really did believe that that was my husband, the man of my dreams, my knight in shinning armor. Little did I know. It actually took me three years to find out the truth. Thankfully for the Internet, I found my high school sweetheart. I was ecstatic to see his face again. I nearly cried because I prayed for him for three years and there he was. So looooooong story short, we started talking again. We agreed to take things slow and allow us to get to know the adults that we have become. That was excellent until the "Mr.Hyde " side of him came out. This man was acting really weird to the point I was questioning my prayer for him. He actually became this man whom I've never know before. Mark became this man that loved differently. He wasn't affectionate, delicate, loving or concerned. He actually became a loner, mean, nonchalant, a PLAIN ASSHOLE! He took my love, admiration and compassion as me being pressed for him, smothering him or rushing him into some feelings.

I was a little lost and confused? What happened to this man in between the years that we've been apart? Was it the ex's in between? Was it the last impression he had of me in my youthful days? Or was he really running from commitment? I was crushed; nearly devastated when he told me that I was nagging him!!! WTF how the hell am I doing that if I'm deeply, truly concerned for your loner ass? Now let me get this straight.....I'm not one of those women who'll blow your phone up, leaving messages or pressed to come over your house. I'm a very simple person. I keep to myself until I want to let anyone into my space. If I'm feeling any gentleman I want to enjoy his time, masculinity, and his thoughts. I actually enjoy the everything about that person but I'm far from being pressed for any man so when he said that I immediately fell down into this dark place. I was back at square one of loosing someone whom I thought I loved. Little did I know that the man that I once loved isn't that person anymore. He's not that man that once loved me more than I loved myself. He's some alien, a stranger, a ghost, a pure memory.........

It hurts deeply because I thought I found that knight that came to save me again. That man whom I was ready to change my last name for eventually. The love of my life. ALL WRONG! I prayed and prayed only to be let down but in reality I wasn't. It took me the following week to realize that God brought this man back in my life so I can stop praying for something that doesn't exist anymore. He was once a lover, a dream that shouldn't be renewed. At this point in time I felt like a big dummy that didn't take their own advice, "never go backwards, always press forward."

But don't take my meekness for weakness!

Bitter Bitch

2009-07-05T16:31:00.003-04:00

You wonder why do I act like this? Well I have to politely remind you that I'm a result of what I've been dealt. I want to change, I really do but no matter how nice, open, sweet, and content I try to be another motherfucker like you come fuck me over. You see I've been cussed at, cursed, screamed, pushed, abused and even misused. But I clearly try to have that continuous smile even though I know I'm dying inside. You sensitive ass niggas make me sick to see how openly hurt you are. Yes your heart was broke by some chick you thought you loved. But look at us women who give love another try over and over again. We carry the worlds on our backs with an unborn child in our womb, the sun in our face, people spitting at our presents and you claim you had a bad day. We have had our children ripped from our walls because some brother didn't want another baby mother, we have bathed you, dressed you, feed you, helped you, washed your dirty ass clothes for you. Shit nigga I have even cleaned your shitty ass for you when you were too sick to do so. We had fell down to the floor in prayer for you. Asking God for one more chance with you. We have put ourselves to the side in order not to hurt or jeopardize your pride. You have asked up repeated would we lie or rather die and look at how many times we looked you in the eye and say I rather die! We have our lives sucked out of us every time one of our kids cry for another taste of our nipple. But again we politely reply. How dare you come out of your mouth and say I was a waste of your damn time when you had a audacity to have a bullshit ass alibi! I am your mother, your sister, your lover and your friend til the end. So you better think twice before you step to this bitter bitch again.

Written 11/28/2007

Time and Distance

2009-06-21T22:19:00.002-04:00

(Chester)

As the wind blows slowly but softly through the leaves,

it took me back to that time when our relationship

where you would run your fingers through my hair.

I really love you threw and threw.

Your smile made me happy,

your silly jokes made me laugh.

I miss you dearly.

I now only get to visit you in my dreams.

I replay our old memories in my mind over and over again.

I thought and dreamed about you so much that I now

fantasize about what we could have been.

You haunt my every dream.

I can't help but to thank God for allowing me to be blessed to

love a wonderful man.

I guess you can say I love you now more that I have

ever loved you before.

I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt emotions you felt as I was

trying to figure myself out.

If God willing, I will love you more.

I will watch you while you sleep to make sure you don't miss

a beat.

I will be the shoulder that you can

cry on.

I will be that woman you wanted me to be.

But for now I'm just a stranger to your future.

I tear up at the thought of how stupid I was to leave you.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

I just hope and pray that you're happy.

I will always love you until the end of time.

Written 8/20/2007

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-18T21:40:00.006-04:00

How can I congratulate a dad that I never knew? Seems every time I turn around he acts so brand new. How can I love someone that always shows the most disrespect? Or he can't even show how much he loved you by a simple peck. How can one be called a role model when I don't look up to him like an idol? I didn't really have any fatherly guidance. All because of the constant violence. I went out and got the love from others. Oh how I feel so sad for my brothers. I hope and pray that they don't grow and be just like you. By the way their kids won't grow up and say have a FUCKED UP FATHER'S DAY!

The Ugly Duckling

2009-06-15T22:10:00.007-04:00

I've always thought I was different from most girls. I've never fit in the crowds. I've never wanted the same things. I've always strived for the better things in life. I wanted to live loud, free and worry less. But I was always pushed to the background in my younger days stepped over or looked down upon.

Some may know me personally and others my not but one thing for sure is I have insecurities just like any other woman. But mines go deeper than most. My parents always told me how beautiful I was, how smart I was or how proud they were of me but I lacked those compliments from others. Girls gain their confidence and attitude based on what their peers feed them. I was always the smart, nerdy girl whom was quiet but I was always overweight. Due to all those attributes I gained low self esteem and no attention growing up. Now I did have some pretty cool friends but in a way I was kind of jealous of them. I wanted the cute boyfriends, the nicest clothes, the weekend trips to different places, the funny extended family. I thought I was missing something growing up. I didn't realize how much my parents sacrificed, gave into, or provided so I could be the woman I am today.

Growing up my self esteem was low. I thought I was ugly, a weird child, a nerd.....a soul lost. I wasn't light skin with pretty eyes, my hair wasnt flowing down my back, I didn't develop my body shape as quickly, I wore baggy clothes, I still did things I thought was "normal" for my age group. I was always competing with myself to be better than the next girl. And none of the video vixens they had in the videos didn't help my esteem any better. I wanted for once to be that "girl" that everyone wanted, talked about or hung around. I felt as though I was that "ugly duckling" that was in that story. I was black, ugly and looked down upon by those didnt know or understand me. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted those thoughts to go away. I never did anything to hurt myself but I did find myself seeking within. I only talked when I felt as though it was safe because I didn't want the attention. I only wanted to do things that I felt was cool to do because I didn't want to feel like I was "behind" the times by those that didn't understand me. I looked at myself in the mirror plenty of nights and cried. I wanted to be different. I wanted to change what I looked like. I wanted to be another Jamale. I really wanted to be lighter like my mother but with lighter colored eyes. What's so funny is at one point in time, I wanted to wear only light colored contact contacts. I envied my cousins on my materal side of the family for having that long brown hair flowing against their yellow complexed skin. But little did I know, one of my cousins felt like the black sheep in the family because she was too light. I never thought of that dilemia until one day she expressed that concern to me. Self hate was a disease that needed to be cured but I had no solution.........

After long nights of crying myself to sleep because of self haterated, I realized years later how much the world was actually tearing me down. I was allowing the boy's fantasies, wants and desires to control my thoughts. I was allowing the "in crowd" girls hold that glory of the lime light. I was allowing magazines, videos and ad's tell me how I "should" look, what size I should be and what I was missing. I was killing my soul, my spirit, myself......Once I started seeing myself as a being that God has made, I opened myself. I allowed myself to love me. I dont remember when the change happened exactly but once it started I was so relieved. My smile changed (braces), my attitude changed ( hung around positive people), my clothing changed (brought my own clothes) my lifestyle changed(socially active) and my mind changed (praying and listening to God more). I slowly increased my self esteem and accepting me for me. I was slowly falling in love with myself because I saw not that ugly duckling that turned into a swan, I saw potential. A potential friend, lover, spouse, mother, LEADER! Wow a leader, I thought. I didn't realize that I was an acutually leader. People flocked towards me. They loved me. They adored me. They simply accepted me. Not everyone did throughout my years but hell thats life. But what's most important, I dont cry no more because of my self image. I cry because I'm happy. I'm so overwhelmed with joy and priceless pride. I still do have my "insecurities" that deprive me of some happiness every now and then that I'm still battling. I'm now leaving those things to God. I can't change everything about myself but I can work on me to better me. No one will ever love me harder more than God and myself.

I am flawed tremedously but thats what makes me me. Thats what makes me who I achieve NOT to be everyday. That what makes people love or hate me. Thats what people accept, my flaws. I am a person who deserves to be loved, adored and cared for. I deserve the finner things in life just as equally or much as the next light skin/red bone African American woman. God made me and I can't change myself. No matter how much plastic surgery, make up, products I could use I'll still have the same worries, feelings and fears. Thats why I've finally came to the terms of accepting ME, the Swan.

I'm rich even when I'm poor

2009-06-08T08:39:00.002-04:00

Most people on the weekends take time out for themselves, their family and friends. The weekend is a time for relaxation, laziness at its best, and a time for unlimited fun but this past Saturday I unselfishly went to feed the homeless.

I don't know if any of you have ever taken one of your Saturday mornings and feed those who haven't eaten in days. When you hear about the closing of some churches and non profits, I believe most people don't let it bother them. But for me it hurts my soul. I have no problem telling the world that I use to work for a non profit company ; Planned Parenthood to be exact! Now you may look down at me for working there but I take it as a learning experience. Luckily, I didn't work at the abortion site but we did receive the nasty phone calls and letters. Being there at that non profit organization have taught me so much. You don't know how much stress happens behind closed doors because the company is trying to stay a float.

This same stress can be applied towards these churches and organizations who help those who can't afford or do for themselves. This particular church I volunteered at was located in uptown DC, right in the heart of what you consider the upper class community. The community was surrounded with embassies, mowed lawn, healthy dogs running free and nice cars parked in 2 car drive way. It was a little bit of a shock to see once you walk into the churches dining room area to see the sadness on those peoples faces. They were so humble, so helpless, so hungry.

My job in the kitchen was to separate and plate the bread. As I fellow shipped with other men and women in the kitchen, I was humbling myself yet again. God always seem to put me in these situations where he needs to remind me of how blessed I actually am. Once we plated the food, it was time to serve the people. I held the tray while one of the other volunteers passed out the plates. You should have seen how some of the most humbled homeless people can become a vicious animal in a matter of seconds. They lose all sense of logical thinking, sense of control and respect. Hunger is the only thing that is leading their conscience.

We didn't even have enough to feed them all a second time around. I felt bad to see the look on their faces. I wanted to sincerely go out to purchase them all something to eat, drink and wear. Some of these people smelled so harsh, that it took my stomach back to an unwanted feeling of nausea. That's one thing that I don't understand, how can you smell like urine and not musk only? Do you simply urinate on yourself and then lay in it? That still bothers me. Once the lunch was over, one of the volunteers managed to make over 200 goodie bags for them. She requested from her friends, family, coworkers, neighbors and even strangers for donations to give to the homeless. This noble act was duly noted as the homeless humbly accepted the bags. Some was just grateful for what they received, some was being greedy and others wanted some other bag.

No matter what the reaction was, they loved they idea that they got some food and other goodies to take along the way. While standing there, passing out these goodie bags, you can clearly see the reaction on their faces. It hurts and humbles you all in the same breathe. I kept thinking what would I do if I was in their position? How did they get there? Why didn't their family help them? Simply why are you homeless? It pierced my soul with meekness.

I've been volunteering ever since high school. I've done numerous amount of activies such as mentor, teachers assistant, youth mentor, habitat for humanity, donations for families, suicide hot line counselor and the list goes on. But its always most important when you can actually reach out and physically touch that person. Everyone has a purpose to help one another. Pay it forward but many choose not to. But on Saturday I had to give to those that had little or nothing compared to me.

While driving home, I was worried that I wouldn't have enough money for my upcoming bills because I just brought a brand new car. But then I had to stop that line of thinking because I'm rich. Yes I'm actually very rich. Even on my worst day, I still have more than others. I have a clean bill of health, a job, a new car, a dog, a house, bank accounts, clothes and shoes. Just those little bit of blessings go a mighty long way. I can compare myself to celebrities but then I wouldn't be who I am today; HUMBLE.

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An eye for an eye.....A tooth for a tooth

2009-06-04T08:47:00.001-04:00

This morning I woke up early because I actually went to bed early last night. After having a good day yesterday, it felt good to wake up from a good night sleep. While attending to my breakfast this morning, I was watching President Obama speak in Cairo,Egypt. It still amazes me how I was a part of history and helped this BLACK President into office!

He was speaking about the current issues around the world that needed to be addressed. Some issues such as North Korea's nuclear testing, Iraq's Muslims, the Taliban, Al-Queda and the list continues on. But basically he's really trying to merge these countries; all under peace. I'm so impressed by how he's really "trying" to solve these problems as soon as he stepped into office. I laughed how the news covered his first 100 days to make sure they capture any of his "mistakes" on camera. Luckily, he was on his P's and Q's!!

While I was watching his speech in Egypt, I couldn't help but to think how much this country has changed. We use to be friendly, happy, sympathetic and understanding. Regardless if it was toward other countries, we was there for people if they really need it. Within our country, we have become so harsh; cold. We was raised to be the hardest, the meanest, the toughest. Now it is human nature to have to the attitude only the strong survive but where is the love??

Back in the 1970's, people looked down to the "Hippies", I actually looked up to them. This division of people were what I called logical thinkers. They recognized that not everything need to solved by violence. They didn't always see Malcolm X's logic "By Any Means Necessary" always right. They did see something weren't going to be moved until a revolution was promoted. Now a lot of people will say that it was the drugs and alcohol that controlled their thought process at that time but NOT EVERYONE was high! Just remember during this time of "revolution" we had the Black Panthers, Nation of Islam and the Marcus Garvey supporters during this time to rise to power. But most importantly during this time, we had LOVE.

We supported one another, we loved deeply and genuinely and shared promotional ideas. When one person fell, we as a culture fell. It was never an issue of who was better. We didn't always agree but we all had a mutual admiration and respect. Love was promoted throughout the black community, hence BLACK POWER! The Black community saw our race as beauty, unique and superior. Obviously we did a lot to build this country and other countries, that a lot of times was swept under the rug or not given "true credit" until years later.

Also during this time, we started embracing our unlimited options of potentials. Instead of trying to blend in we went across the grain and embraced natural hair. We had afro's curly/bushy hair, Locs, braids and untamed hair. Just from evolution of hair we started the Rastafarian culture. They see their hair as pride and close to God! Now hair isn't the reason for the culture but they see their hair as a symbol of their religion status. Its unlimited beauty that's only embraced by some. But most importantly, they loved hard!

We haven't really learned to love in a long time. Our previous elders taught anger, hate, fear and religion all in one sentence. If you don't believe me, think back to when you were young, did any elder teach you to go to church, love God, yourself and your family then say don't ever really trust a white person? You don't see that as some form of hypocrisy? That don't make sense. That's fear and anger trying to take form within religion. My father and mother was a product of this concept but what's the different between those two is my father believe white people have underlying deceptions and my mom accept everyone regardless of race. It was my mom who motivated me to stay at my majority white university. It was my father who told me to not come home with a white boyfriend or he's "disowning" me. He still say that madness but he's not going to stop me from having happiness even if that includes me dating a white man.

God is love and we must never forget that. In order to supersede this violence we need to stay in God's vision. Love one another. Put differences aside. Learn and understand. Stop ignorance at the door. We may not agree but let's agree to disagree all while being respectful. Stop killing and hurting God's people! Its not always right to take an eye for an eye.
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Feeling good, Feeling great.....How are you???

2009-06-03T10:58:00.001-04:00

Have you ever woke up one morning knowing you're going to be late for work or you're not really ready to go to work but you feel good??? Well that's how I feel today, I woke up not really feeling the motivation to get up and go to work. Now a days, I'm so like *blah* about going to work because I want so much more out of where I'm working. I'm very grateful and happy that I have my job but I wish sometimes I had a little more perks.

Anyway, while shutting the door to lock it, I noticed that my brother (pictured above with me) had the hood up to the car. He calls the car Eleanor so I asked him what was wrong with "her"? He looked up at me, mad as sh!t because the car wouldn't start. Right then and there, I wished that I could just run to his rescue and tell him forget the car and lets go to the dealership and pick out any car that he wanted. Yea I have a huge imagination but one of these days, I'll be able to do such adventurous things. Yesterday, he called me at work to ask him to pick up after work because the car didn't want to start. "Eleanor" sometimes have a mind of her own and she wants to start up whenever she wants. Now this is an older car (1996 Hyundai Elantra) so it'll have it's moments. But this wasn't the moment for her to be acting up. My brother had to make it to work because he had a meeting and where he works at, it's not really Metro accessible. So I understand and feel his pain. Luckily, if he needed me to pick him up or take him to work, we work nearly 25 mins down the street from each other.

What took me back a little later today was I was able to help my brother when he actually needed me. I know some of you all like, umm isn't that what you're suppose to be for your siblings but you don't understand. It's been times when I didn't have the means to help my brothers with anything almost a year ago. I've struggled and I'm still struggling but at least God has blessed me with a new car to help with little things. My brother and I both took the train in today to work. I sat next to him and blogged while he listened to his music. I smiled because through my blessings I'm blessing him. Even though it was something as simple as a ride to the Metro station, I'm there to help him. I don't really sit back and realize how much I help the little people. I work with patients that need mental help and I'm so excited to see their smiles on their face or the happiness in their stride after someone helped them without judgement.

I later sent both of my brothers a "I love you" text. Just a little thought to let them know that I am here for them no matter what. I love them more today than anything because all the drama and madness we've been through together. Sometimes you just have to take the time to tell your family how much you love or miss them and I did just that. I do get to see my older brother at least five times a month. He has his own family and responsibilities that he's taking care of so he can't always be around but he is always there for me when need be. So I decided that I've decided that I'll send out some emails and texts today just to see how my people is doing. I'm just feeling good, feeling great!!!!! Usually when I'm feeling extremely happy but nervous, I know God is blessing me :-) My break through is about to happen. I can feel it!!!

What's your type Ma?

2009-06-03T08:32:00.002-04:00

When some of my friends or women that hardly know me ask me what type of men I like, I simply reply that I don't have one. A lot of people think I'm lying about something as simple as my type of men I like but to be honest, I have never put the much emphasis on my "typical" man I would talk to.

All my life, I always dated or been with men that are beautiful in their own way, never no one whom you couldn't say was cute. I'm not trying to sound vain but I do need something nice to look at. :-). When I try to show some of my female friends the type of men I dated, they can't believe how different my range of men have been. I've mostly only dated black men but I have dated Spanish men before also. All of them touch me in one way or another. But what really amuses me is that when I show some of those men I talked to before, some of the women ask "Girl, where did you meet him at" or "Damn." But the way they say it, is like they can't believe how a "girl like me" can manage to cop a man like that. See women like that I have to clearly stay away from.

Those type of women are what you clearly consider a HATER. They will try to either get with his closest friend or sadly your man. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with such fuckery. I manage to gain men based on being just me, Jamale! A lot of women don't look past the physical because we're always trying to compare ourselves to the next chick. I was guilty at one point in time doing the same thing. You'll see one sexy specimen of a man and wonder what the hell does he see in that fooly wolfgang woman of his. WOMEN STOP THIS THINKING! We have to be open minded enough to understand that man see something beautiful or special in that woman. Especially if he has children with her. I know I especially had to stop that thinking because maybe that's how other women was looking at me with those men. I am far from perfect but I do deserve to be happy with my man!!!

Back at the point at hand, my range of men vary. I've dated light skin, red bone, mixed, true black/blue, brown, caramel complexed men. Tall or short. Pretty teeth or crooked as a crook teeth. Or even the chubby ones. I believe you should really enjoy a great personality! That's what all my men had in common, a personality. The physical attribute is always a plus but that isn't the number one key characteristic that you need to rely on. All the men I've dated made me laugh, smile and feel special.

A woman wants to of course feel special, comfortable, and most importantly wanted. Even if I didn't get all those in one, I did enjoy it while it lasted regardless of the outcome. Every situation and relationship is a lesson learned. Trust me I've learned A LOT plus I'm still learning.

Now don't get me wrong, there are some physical attributes that I find sexy as hell! Such as pretty teeth, a wonderful smile, bedroom eyes, height, MUSCLES, tattoos and hygiene. But sometimes those things aren't always in that package that I received but I accept NO EXCEPTIONS for hygiene!!! I refused to date a nasty ass man!!! LOL. Boys will be boys but boo I NEED A MAN! So with all this being said, I'm officially saying I love them all. Sexiness come in all races and personalities!!

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Dating 101

2009-06-01T10:15:00.002-04:00

A subject that a lot of people neglect is Dating. A lot of people date, enjoy dating or dread it like the plague. See for me, I'm a lilttle bit of all three. I enjoy getting to know someone; acknowledging and understanding their likes and dislikes. I love all the things that you can possilbily learn about a person over time but then again if they're a phony I HATE IT! I've been out of a relationship now since 2005 and all not by choice. When I do start talking to a guy that I find interesting, they find it strange how I've been out of a relationship for so long. I have to go through this long drawn up conversation about how my last ex "F'ed" me over and men now a days are just plain stupid. Of course them being the men they are, they'll sometimes take the guys' side. Thats respectable but not always right in my book. I have no baggage or hatered towards anyone so all that b-s they say doesn't really phase me. I've been through a lot in those past three years. And I'm still learning as the years progress.

Me personally, I believe you can tell a lot about how a person act and react to situations. You know how people say first impressions are everything, well they're telling the truth! People pay close attention how the opposite sex's behavior and their patterns. This is key when starting to date someone. I wanted to share some of my thoughts and experiences over the years since my last "boyfriend" so guys and girls will have an understanding of what's right and what's plain wrong......

A couple of months ago, I started reading the Steve Harvey's Act like a Lady, Think like a Man book. I found it to be quite interesting. Some of the material I already knew becuase A.) my brothers already taught me or B.) you learn from experience. But some of the key points that really interested me was a man's purpose, don't hold the "cookie" back from your man, support and love your man regardless of income and status, pay attention to titles that he introduce you as, pay attention to details, don't let a man rule you (you're in control) and lastly play the game like them but be a lady at all times. Those are just some key points that caught my eye. It's more details within those subjects but you will just have to read the book to understand the depth of it all. But to me Steve Harvey didn't point out all the details about relationships. I feel as though if he would have teamed up with maybe his wife, he would have had a more equally sexed book. (Thats just my opinion). Like I stated before, there are a lot of experiences and things I've been through or seen that changed my way of thinking tremediously!!!!

In 2005, after my last boyfriend, I found myself in a deep hole that I seem to have fallen in. I was scratching my way out but I really couldn't see the light. I was staying in the house, slowly making myself depressed. Now many of you all might say, "girl he's was just another fish in the sea" but our relationship was sooo much more. I will spare the details of that relationship but I became very depressed. I felt as though I've lost my friend, lover, husband and most importantly a piece of me. A little while later, I moved out to my own apartment. I was really single, sexy, free and on a prowl. I had friends by the many who was willing to go out with me anytime to any club, all while enjoying our early twenties. While in my apartment, I started talking back to my high school sweetheart. I LOVED this man to death! He proposed to me Jan. 2005 but I felt as though he wasnt ready. Now that we were "grown" I felt as though, I should give him another try.

*Lesson # 1*: Never go back, keep going forward because you never know who you could be missing in your future blessings.

I should have known not to mess with this man. He was a constant liar, a theif and a a show off. He always wanted to show me what he could possibily "give me if I needed it." But I was set, I never needed a man for anything. I cared for him deeply but in the long run, I was sadden by one thing........THE SEX! Yes I said it, the sex sucked sooooooooo bad. I could have cried because I dont know what happened from high school till then?????? Sorry but you can't move on in a relationship if he can't enjoy and "last" through the whole moment......

*Lesson #2*: No matter how much the person is "perfect" if you're not satisfied physically or emotionally, leave them alone!!!!

An old ex of mines came back into the picutre a little while after my high school sweetheart. Now this ex has always been a friend of mines so I never had any problems keeping in touch with him. Our chemistry was off the hook! He made me laugh all the time, truly nice when he wanted to be, sexy in a different kind of way and he made me soooo comfortable. But he had serious commintment issues. At that point in time, he was really feeling me BUT he wanted to get his buisness off the ground. I had to fall back and understand, this man has some goals that he need to accomplish before he incorparate into my life. As time goes on, we have problems here and there like any "couple" but once I moved out of my apartment, he changed. He was mean as hell, selfish and inconsiderate. I just couldn't believe how this beautiful man could change like this???

*Lesson #3*: Let people go when they're not treating you right. You deserve much better!!!

He told me how he saw me as being his wife, he wanted us to eventually move in together and raise our family all within the next three years. He told me he wanted to go give him until 2009 and he'll be ready for me and ready to give me all that I wanted and needed. In 2008, I changed my whole attitude! I fell back from clubs, alcohol, men and toxic people. He was one of those 'toxic people" but because of our freindship, I told him we could still be friends but he had the audactiy to tell me in October 2008, that if we can't talk or have sex then he has nothiing much to talk to me about *WOW* Now that was crazy to me!!! How can he do this me? So I polietly told him don't ever call me no more and hung up on him. What's so funny, he's been blowing my phone up since then but what's really funny, he called me just as recenlty as last week to tell me he has a baby on the way. That news took me back. How can you run from a commintment of a girlfriend but fall for a commintment of a baby?? Now how can that make any sense???

*Lesson # 4*: If a person give you too many excuses for a relationship, they don't want it. Don't incorparate anyone into your life emotionally or sexually until you're actually ready for the consequences.

*Lesson #5*: Always follow your gut feeling because it's your sixth sense telling you to go the oppisite way

*Lesson # 6*: Whenever having sex, make sure you're using a condom or some type of birth control. A lot of people are having a baby due to the moment of forgetfullness.

*Lesson #7*: Women are emotional creatures so whenever you say you're "doing you" we take that as you're beening an ass at the time and you're eventually come around to the thought of a relationship with us. Dont get mad at us when we expect or give an ultimatium of a relationship with you. When you have sex with us, we allow you to come into us and take a piece of us along with you. WE CHOSE YOU AS OUR MATE! We incorpate our feelings with sex so we we're assuming that you're feeling us that much to have sex with us. You see it as SEX, we see it as a FUTRUE. Think about it!

This is just two examples of the madness that I've been through but I have more and more stories to tell about liars, cheats, *criminals* and commintment phobes. But from my previous blogs yall can see that I seem to only attrack the freaks and plain rude men. I dont know what it is about me but I believe this is just my test and time in my life where I have to wait it out until the Lord bless me with the near perfect man of my dreams. So I'll wait and count my blessings until then. **PATIENTLY WAITING**

Color of the Week

2009-05-22T09:07:00.003-04:00

Sorry you guys that I haven't been updating you all about my nail polish of the week. I have been painting my nails but I've been too lazy of putting them up on the blog. I'll make sure I'll paint them again over the summer and post them. But for this week my nail color is.......

Ruby Pumps by China Glaze

Now I'm really scared/shy about wearing Red because people use to always tell me that dark skin black women dont look right wearing red polish and lip stick. So this is a BIG step for me. People say I look fine but it's still something that I have to get use to....what do you all think???

Practicing Patience

2009-05-21T19:18:00.002-04:00

You may look at me and see me as a normal person without hardly any flaws. Life is in some kind of order. Mind is focus and maintained. Beyond all that I'm very much flawed, insane, actually screaming in silence.
What you fail to understand is in fact I'm a normal woman but I don't have "normal" problems. Everyone is different, everyone have their own issues and daily headaches. But for me right now, I have too many obstacles. The Lord has blessed me with numerous blessings but at the same time, the devil is just as busy trying to destroy my soul. He wants me to give up; to simply give in. There is a spiritual war going inside both you and I. It all comes down to who's side you're going to take.

For the past two years, I have been making a visual board of the things I want to accomplish, things I want do, and places I want to go. But this year I decided I needed to take that down, I need to start from scratch, I need new ideas along with my new attitude. I need to actually do these things I want to accomplish by just doing them. Everyone have short and long term goals but for me, my goals make me who I am. They help me mature, gain knowledge and want more out of life. My goals are what makes me drive my ambitious attitude to the max!

I am a true believer your success is determined by how many obstacles you've surpassed. And let's just say I have my share of obstacles. I'm still til this day am working on my past obstacles that I need to work on daily. I am like every woman that have "baggage" from previous experiences. But unlike most, I don't hold my "baggage" towards new and exciting experiences. I am a work in progress! Like I said two years ago I had that accomplishment wall and I have crossed off quite a few goals. But one of the things that I couldn't visually put up on the wall was a prayer.

I asked God to teach me patience. Little did I know what they meant when people warned me, "Be careful what you pray for." I just believed if you go to God with a burden, he'll see fit in his time to bless you and take that burden within himself. But I soon and later discovered God had plans for me. I was living my life financially carelessly, my relationships was nonchalantly put to the side, partying was overwhelming and not having a care in the world because I felt as though I had time. I had plenty enough time because I'm single, sexy and free! But God had plans for me.

God saw the way I carried myself, relationships, money and attitude. I guess he decided he needed to humble me, make me grateful and appreciative. God took away my pride, money, men, dreams, hope and some freedom. He humbled me. Now when I say he took away those things from me, I mean he gave quickly and took just as quickly. I thought my shit didn't stink and I could live my life the way I wanted. He broke me down to build me up. He provided new blessings. He made me open my eyes more to different people, places and things. He gave me the will to be stronger. He made me the woman I am today.

When I think about what God has done for me, I cry. I cry tears of happiness, not pain. I could have taken a different route and ended somewhere else. I never followed, always lead and because of that, I lead myself to greatness. I was so far at the bottom, I thought I'll never see the top. I cried, stressed, worried, cried, got depressed, had low self esteem all while incorporating more and more people and problems into my life. I never gave myself time to heal. I would physically feel myself getting sicker because of the stress and lack of's. I couldn't see the top.

I had to mentally and emotionally build myself up to the person I am today. Now when people look at me, they can see that I'm beautiful, I'm special. A lot of men can say they've never met a woman like me. When I tell people that I'm not that average chick, I mean it! I am that phenomenal woman that Maya Angelou was talking about. I been through and seen so much in such a little amount of time. I'm still learning everyday. But one thing for sure and two things for certain, I am blessed and truly grateful. I'm happy but not completely. There are still some things that I'm waiting on the Lord to bless me with.

I am flawed but that's what makes me perfect. People see me for me now. Not as someone whom they can read. I'm mysterious, quiet and challenging. I have an aura about myself that demands respect. I am a Queen in my own mind. A goddess past her prime. I am a biologist, a poet, a writer, a lover, a leader and an activist. But most importantly, I am God's child! Perfectly imperfect! Hello world, my name is Jamale.

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Touch Me, Tease Me

2009-05-19T20:53:00.002-04:00

(My Computer "Love")

Many nights we have stayed up texting, chatting, voicing our opinions verbally through transmissions over this thing called a cell phone. Even though, our love have been technology driven, some how it seems as though you're laying right next to me. Physically touching and teasing me, every inch.....of me from head to toe. Even though, we are technology driven our minds are preoccupied with thoughts of just every nasty, little, lustful thoughts that you send me through the phone. That makes me laugh. That makes me moan.....

Oooooh we're so technology driven, even though, that is the case, we are some how standing here looking at each other; face to face. No, no, no I'm not trippin, I'm not dreaming, I'm not fantasizing, we are spiritually connected. We're above all planes. Above all stars. Baby we're asteroids beating down the galaxy together. We're some how connected.. In just within that one second you touched me and teased every part. But just like you came so quick and you left so quick. You ran! You left, you ran. No explanations, no cry baby, I tell you why later on. No it was just as sad, sad goodbye. Non verbally, nothing like I have ever felt before from you. It was all communication is key. I'm a grown man about mines baby so why would I even lie? I have no time for that! These are the words you keep telling me but maybe that was simply an alibi? An alibi to cover up that simple lie?

That you weren't ready. You were not read...to be help, to be loved, to be cared for with no obligations. With no lies. With no mystery. I'm a woman about mines. I don't think you were ready. So you touched and you teased me just as quickly as you kissed and left me. While I stand here, dazed, wondering why? How could this beautiful man touch and tease a woman with his eyes?

Soulful Reflections

2009-05-13T10:21:00.003-04:00

Soulful Reflections

I constantly strip myself down to my soul.

I lay my layered clothes down from everyone to truly see me.

But still people take my skin as another layer that hides my true complexion.

As I lay here naked, I'm getting abused; constantly beaten.

Beated by the world.

Beated by words.

Beated by thoughts.

This world leaves my skin so cold and visually bruised.

I'm physically and mentally exhausted.

My mind wonders and explores thoughts to places I've never dreamed

All while I lay naked.

I lay naked for the world to touch, explore and examine my body.

Dissect my brain.

Take apart my soul.

I reach towards people that aren't reachable.

I leave self inflicted wounds amongst my skin.

All because people take my skin as another layer that hides my true complexion.

I have given it thought to give in of finally letting go.

Giving up to give in.

Leaving my self inflict wounds unable to heal.

Leaving them open, puss filled, rotten, smelly, red, blistering, running over with uncontrollable ooze.

That way the world will see me for whom I really am.

Naked.

No cover ups.

No make up.

Filled with flaws,

imperfections,

and vulnerabilities.

Perfectly imperfect.

Simply complex.

Deeply saddened.

Reaching for dreams deferred.

Loving men who don't love me back.

Giving emotions to those that don't really deserve them.

Closing my eyes, laying naked, absorbing the negativity and embracing it.

Leaving myself exposed amongst everyone to the world.

Stripped down to nothing.

Written 5/13/2009

Questioning

2009-04-30T21:26:00.004-04:00

Yes I do have slave hair but I do not carry a slave mind. I have the intelligence of a college educated man. I am stuck in between a war or pride, money and reputation. I believe therefore I conquer. But what am I reaching for? I have lost my will, my ambition, my dreams. Am I accomplishing someone elses dream? I am so tired of being second best at everything. Whether it'll be family and relationship preference, employment and friendships. I am a woman of dignity, poise and great pride in one self. I am trying not to give up. I will NOT give up! I believe in love, destiny and God. I will continue to learn. Learn to accept, learn from mistakes, learn to love again............

WHY DO YOU TWEET???

2009-04-24T10:10:00.003-04:00

A lot of people are jumping on the bang wagon of Twitter! At first I was thinking, what the hell is Twitter?? Oh Lord not another website like Facebook, Myspace or Tagged! Boooooooooooo. I was one day looking on Karrine Steffans page and I noticed she kept talking about Twitter. I thought it sounded sooooo weird. LOL. But I did also hear it from my friend Loryn that she has a Twitter page also. So with one click from Karrine's page, I was on Twitter.

Back in June last year, I went to Atlanta with my mother. I love, love ATL! In fact, I'm planning to move down there in 3 yrs. but that's another subject. I took a lot of pictures while I was down there with my mom. I find myself to very photogenic so I love sharing my pictures with my friends. But when I was on Facebook, a lot of people was having problems with me posting pics of them while their out and about with me. I'm like "what the hell? Then why did you act that way or do this when you was with me??" Facebook has been kind of a sneaky way to spy on your employee's by seeing what they do outside of work. It has been proven that a lot of employers base their decisions of unemployment from Facebook. So some of my friends were very fearful of what their employers will see, hence I'll get complaints about the pictures.

Another problem I had on Facebook was hate! There was quite few people hating on the fact that I was finally able to spend my time in different vacations spots all over the U.S. That shocked me how people can hate so easily because you were blessed to have the opportunity to enjoy life to the fullest. Or I could tell people was being spies and trying to see how,why and when you hang around certain people. The company I keep is my business!!! Why is it up to you to spy on the things I do with my friends or pressed to see who I'm talking to next?? Females crack me up. Beefs happen all because people are in other people's business. I was constantly having to defend myself even though I hardly went out to any parties, clubs or get togethers. So riddle me this, how in the hell do drama always seem to find me?? Nothing but the devil. LOL

Myspace was initially pretty cool. I loved the fact that I can make this page a reflection of me. I could blog and post feelings on my page if I wanted to. I had plenty of pictures of there at my consent and just like Facebook, if you weren't my '"friend" then you get no access to see what I'm working with. LOL. Myspace was fun but then again it was a true jump off place. Too many people were hooking up, tyring to hook up, being killed, raped or bullied over this website. It was was getting out of control!!!! I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Blackplanet was another website which at one point in time we quite fun!!! I would find myself on there all the time, up to wee hours of the night in college. I've met two guys from there that later became my boyfriends. The Internet is funny. Yea I have no problem telling anyone that I've dated someone off the Internet!! It wasn't intentional but it was cool. Late Blackplanet to me became a breeding ground for STD's and HIV. Too many people were coming to me like I was some type of whore or jump off. Sending me the most nastiest messages I could ever imagine!!! I would get all the censored messages all because they find my lips so damn sexy and want to put them to use. WTF??? Pure Ignorance!!! Plus I was having guys whom wanted to be my "boyfriend" so bad that they was finding ways to talk to me and if I didn't reply they would curse me out. I had to get off there quick!

Lastly, Tagged was another website that my past coworkers was on. I really didn't understand that website so I wasn't on there too long. I didn't meet anyone nor did I want to. It was boring and useless. So I was on there for a little bit of time and closed that page out before my Facebooka, Myspace and Blackplanet page. *Shhhheeeewwww*

Twitter was a new experience. I didn't understand it yet but I would soon learn that Twitter was a great place! Since September 2008, I've been on Twitter. At first I would only speak to certain people because I didn't know how to find other people but now boy oh boy, I'm loving Twitter!!! I'm on there everyday because it's a fun place for me. On my bad days and on my good days, people seem to be there for me. Some of the people I don't know personally but you gain a relationship with those follow and those that follow you. I've networked with a lot of people and enjoyed plenty of convos! I've interacted with some celebs and common folk like myself. Twitter have some of the most finest men in this world and they too love the convos!!! I most tweet because people get to know and understand me. I can write this blog and express how I feel but no one will really understand me unless they experience my random thoughts, music and links. I love to share because I love people I'm a social butterfly in a way but I am also very shy. I tweet because I can learn so much from random people that's just as open as I am with their lives. So with that being said, I tweet because you as an audience can learn to love or hate the real me. SIMPLE.

Afraid

2009-04-23T21:06:00.005-04:00

(To a Stranger)

It's been a long time since I've opened up myself up to any man. After years of abuse, I have learned to shut down and leave my pride aside. I was afraid to love again.

Being around you make me feel like a lost child. A child that is lost and looking for love. Too afraid to face the harsh realities that the world is in fact cruel. The world is heartless. The people that inhabit it claim they love you only to hurt you. I am that child afraid to love again.

I feel kind of funny around you. I wanna touch you, admire you. I want to feel your warmth fulfill your every desire. I want to feel completely comfortable around you. I want to whisper the words I love you as you sleep. I simply want to adore you but I'm afraid.

I stare at you because of mixed feelings I carry for you. I don't know who should win this war; my broken heart or my restless soul? I'm lost and confused. I wanna fall and when I fall I wanna fall hard. But I'm afraid you won't love, admire and treasure me as much as I do to you. I'm too afraid to simply love you.

Written 4/23/09

Love Lost

2009-04-20T13:06:00.005-04:00

Hello World,

As many as you all can tell, I've had my share of 808's and Heartbreaks from my previous poems that I've expressed to you all. That's just a tad bit of poetry that I have come to terms to express to the world. I have well over 200 poems that I have written through out my years. I use to get urges of deep thoughts that needed to be expressed through words. Hence the start of my poetry. My poetry like my spoken words have become my inner me, my soul, my deep dark conscience that keeps yelling from within. It's ultimately my shy, childish girl that wants to slowing grow up to become that woman of great dignity. But I'm afraid......

When I say I'm afraid, I mean I'm afraid of life's consequences. I've never been afraid of any man, woman or child but I'm afraid to love again. A lot of people fall in and out of love everyday, always carrying that baggage of what could have been. Basically the "what ifs." I too was once a victim of that plague of worrying of what "could have been" if only we still were. I'm tired of that all! I'm tired of worrying about the past, the present and sure as hell the future. I did in fact make a promise to myself a long time ago that when I love, I'm going to love hard. I want that person whom I adore to know that love them not just by saying it in words but by the kiss that I place on their lips. I want the intensity to be felt through the flesh that we both posse.

For years, I only frustrated myself because I felt as though I'm a "hopeless romantic", but why can't I have my cake and eat it too? Why can't I be fully happy with one person who truly adores, loves, cherish and loves only me?? Why is it so damn hard to find a decent man in this world??? I'm beyond frustrated, I'm pissed off! I wanted to question God for a moment but then I had to catch myself and calm down...... I had to relax and let my frustrations go and leave them at the alter, where I lay my burdens down. I had to talk it out with different friends, coworkers and my mother. I had to listen to sound advice and take it, not with a grain of salt. I actually listened......

Afterwards, in 2007, I found myself changing. My mentality was forming into something inhuman. Not lady like. I was carrying my attitude with such confidence like nothing faded me. I was "thinking" like a man and carrying myself like a lady. I had wanted what I wanted and did what I wanted. I truly thought that I'll eventually, hopefully fall in love but not as willing. I'll just play the game on repeat like any other man. In the long run, I got burned. My soul, body and especially mind was extremely exhausted. I played the game only to find myself loosing and letting the defeat slap me in my face, numerous times. I gave up, I gave in.

In 2008, I again made a promise to myself. Not let my flesh interfere with my thought process. I need a clear conscience if I'm going to "love again." Who the hell was I fooling? How can I ever see or feel love if no one is willing to love? I've come to the breaking point. As some people will call it my breakthrough. NO I didn't find love, in fact, I'm starting to believe that I won't. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked God why and how can this happen? Why are some of my friends married, have boyfriends or even kids? When will my ounce of happiness come? I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted. It's like I've been stabbed by each lover in a different location of my body and I'm slowly bleeding out. Slowing internally dying....

I had a little talk with Jesus this month and I literally raised my head and voice to the high heavens and told him, I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH LOVE! When I say I meant it, I meant it! Why try to hold onto an idea of love when it seems as though it's never going to be given to me? To be so young, my heart is so old and over worked. I use to love, I use to love hard but my soul, heart and mind can't take another 808 and heartbreak.........I've lost hope in love.

Anticipation

2009-03-29T19:48:00.002-04:00

My movements become slow and seductive as I walk towards you as you sit there and anticipate my next move. I swing my hips because I know you're watching. As I proceed to climb on top of this mountain, you stop me to warn me of the fact that I'm about to cause a natural eruption that can not be controlled. I laugh at the thought as I continue to climb aboard. The impatience on both ends are now about to show. We both race to see who can undress quicker. You play with my emotions as you're now trying to go slow and read my face. That don't last long when I begin to tug with the little bit of clothes you have left. Damn we've both waited for this moment which is finally here. I back up from the scene when that thought come to mind. I begin to smile and attack again.

Written 2/23/05

Why I DON'T Want to Raise my Children in the Nation's Capitol

2009-03-24T09:58:00.004-04:00

I've come to the conclusion over the past six months, that my mind is maturing faster than my body. Seriously, that may sound a little arrogant but I swear to you it's the truth. I've been raised amongst a generation who believed in respect, love and admiration. They loved one another, their family, friends, job and life but now a days things aren't the same.

My parents are true Washingtonians along with my brothers and I. My parents were born in the late 50's but they are true 70's offsprings. They told/tell me stories all the time how they could sit outside on the stoop with their neighborhood peers and just talk, go to clubs and actually have a good time with being in fear of their lives, and how they had friends who happen to fall in love with the drug game, regardless if they were selling or using end up died, still struggling or in jail. I've learned from their stories and their music. I enjoyed my Saturdays waking up early (sometimes) and cleaning the house with some old Phyllis Hyman, Bloodstone, The Moments, Blue Magic, Whitney Houston, The Whispers, etc. just to name a few. Their music intregied me. I'm a person with a fine tuned ear for a good beat and excellent lyrics and thats what they had it back then. They love and they loved hard. They didn't disrespect themselves or their lovers for a dollor sign. Based on my parents upbringings they molded me to be the person I am today. Yes, I did do some rebellion and smart tounges were thrown here and there but I always have respected the struggle my parents came from. Based on those morals and rules I abdied, I learned that life isn't easy and you will have more down's than up's.

Everyday when I get on the train headed back home. My peace, my santuary, my world away from the world, I have to go through hell just to get there. I find myself everyday shaking my head at some teenage girl popping her mouth, loudly at some girl that ran her mouth wrongly to her. Some little boys smoking cigarettes when they don't even have a lick of hair on their face yet. Another black young boy "speaking his mind" with curse words that pierce my soul everytime I walk past them. Speak your mind with out curse words young sirs. Fore if all you can speak with is with curse words, then you really don't have much to say. I tell myself all the time that I'm glad that I'm not in school anymore. It actually does hurt me deep inside to see my youth, my peers, my culture is slowly going down the stony road to ignorance. I know when I was in school (8 yrs. ago) we had more respect for our elders and for one another. We wouldn't dare speak curse words to or around any elder, for that a cause for you to get your mouth slipt by one of their children. When we fought one another, we didn't jump into other people fights, we let them fight fairly. No guns, knives, razor blades or any other weapons. Once we saw it was getting out of control, we had to stop it. But NOT anymore!

Our youth is not being taught by our familes and commuity but by the streets. The streets have always been there but since the 80's and early 90's the streets had mentors, programs and the community to come in to help raise our children. Hence, I was a product of those times. I'm a true 80's baby and proud of it. My community and elders also helped raised me. Whenever I said or did something that was inappropriate, my parents was immediately told. They hardly had any problems with me becasue I never followed crowds but I did go through a phase where I hung around the "in crowd." Thank God I realized that I didn't feel comfortable around that particular crowd because if I was the one to follow it, maybe I would have been one of those kids that I'm blogging about now. Funny.......

The children today are more focused on cars, clothes and the opposite/same sex. They're always trying to live in life in the fast lane, wear the flyiest clothes, feel welcomed so they'll try something new sexually. Word of advice, it's not cute to keep up with fashion, thats why this economy is so F'ed up now. We're so busy trying to keep up with other contries that we can't even pay our debts to other countries, feed our poor, get the homeless off the street and most importantly give every US citizen free health insurance. Like Malcolm X father told his mother, "Credit is the first step into debt and back into slavery." People didn't see it as that until the numbers fell last year. You are now a slave to your own debt. Stop letting money control you and you control money! How do you think the rich get rich and stay rich? Think about. Cars are a good thing but not when you treat your car better than your family or friends. I know someone who washes, cleans, get check up's on their car more than they do for their own health. Ask yourself this once the car is gone, who/what do you have now? Nobody but Jesus...LOL. Lastly, the fade of trying another sexual lifestyle is your business BUT remember it's your true prefence. Don't try it just because your friends are doing it. This isn't a game to be played. The LTGB lifestyle is a lifestyle that they didn't choose. They are who they are. They don't have to go out and flaunt what they already know. If you are the person that God has put forth among this Earth, than be who he made you to be. Don't follow crowds, be a square and don't fit into cirlces. You end up dying inside.....

I simply don't want to children to be raised around such ingorance. I don't want them to experience the harshness of the blind. I want my children to have the oppurtunity to life well beyond their peers in their ambitions. I want them to of course have a life better than what I lived. I have the choice in my hand how to raise my children properly because I wasn't a product of being raised by a child. My parents were adults when they had me. They taught me right and wrong ways of doing things, speak your mind and love your family more but secondly under God. I appreciate the time that I have spent here being a Washingtonian but I want my children to have a better outlook on life. I know I will be stern, non judgemental and loving to them. I don't want them to ever have to want to be like the most "prettiest" girl in school or the flyiest guy in his class. I will teach them how to love and respect, enjoy life to the fullest and love God above all things. I want my kids to become the next Langston Hughes, W.E.B Dubois, Marian Anderson, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr. and now Barack Obama. I want my children to be leaders in their own class! Lead one, teach one. Heal one, help one. Make their mama proud!

What happened to the historic Nation's Capitol?

Nail Color of the Week

2009-03-23T11:39:00.004-04:00

Hello Bloggers!

Nail Polish of the week is................

China Glaze's:

*For Audrey*

St. Patty's Day Nails/Nail Color of the Week!

2009-03-18T08:38:00.006-04:00

Hello Bloggers!!!!!!!!

So for this week, I switched it up just a little. I wanted to celebrate my "hidden" Irish in me so I wanted to paint my nails a bright green. I went to Sally's Beauty to pick up a green that I saw before that caught my eye. I decided to get China Glaze's "In the Lime Light (Neon)." I also came across these nail art decors that will be great to try so I said what the hell, for shits and giggles let me try them. And I must say, with a little patience and perseverance I was able to do the damn thing! My coworkers loved the green (since that was the brightest thing on me b/c I wore all black) and they always compliment me on how "patient" I am doing my nails every week. Below are some of the pics I took for St. Patty's Day. Enjoy!

China Glaze:

In the Lime Light (Neon)

My Nail art that I used for my ringer and index fingers

For the remainder of the week, I was suppose to wear China Glaze's Awakening but when I brought the Neon green, I also came across this beautiful Purple that I had to put on my nail beds. So I'm going to rock this for the week/weekend and go back to my spring colors. Stay tuned for the "Tiffany Blue" color next week! Enjoy!

China Glaze:
Panic Purple (Neon)

*My room didn't give the color true justice so here's a better look @ the color!*

Does it really say F*ck me on my Forehead???

2009-03-12T19:11:00.006-04:00

So today while catching the Metro home I happen to run across this nice, fine, light skin black man that I thought made my day but before I tell you this story of mines, let me explain my day. Today was filled with plenty of laughs, walking and boredom. At work sometimes I feel like I'm not being challenged and I need a new scence. But today was a good day! I was chatting with my coworker about her recent birthday gift to Match.com that I gave her. I was telling her how our old coworker was asking me why I don't open up a Match.com member page myself since I don't have a man also? Well to answer that truthfully, I always seem to meet the nastiest, unbelieveable men so why bother. Plus I'm leaving my "husband search" up to God. So with all that being said, the Metro is the last place I would think to come across a cutie.

While transfering trains, I was doozing off to daydream land when this guy stood next to me and asked me am I interested in buy some Betty Boo material. While trying to put my IPod on pause, he asked me again. I polietly told him that I wasn't interested. He was like "ok cool, what about socks? I have all types with Bett Boo on them." So I again proceeded to tell him no thanks. Then he say to me "you cute as hell, do you have a boyfriend?" I smile and say well no. Then the conversation goes like this:

Guy: Oh well since you don't have a boyfriend, do you mind if I could call you sometime?

Me: Oh nah, sure.

He then pulls out his phone *thinks* and say: Do you have a pen?

Me: Nah

I look at him a little puzzled like why don't you just put my number in your phone? Plus should I really give this guy my number since he is selling Betty Boo bags in the Metro? But I said hell I know of some people that have full time jobs, they just sell things to get a little extra money plus my younger brother tells me that I'm too harsh on men because I've been hurt in the past. So needless to say I have a "little" chip on my shoulder aka I don't tolerate NO shit!!!! But I said let me be nice. Moving on...so I pull out my planner and tell him oh I do have a pen and for him to write down his number.

Guy: oh go ahead and write down your number.

Me: oh my bad ok

Guy: so what are you doing tonight?

Me: Go home and sleep, I'm a little tired

While I'm writing my number down, he's telling me how cute and sexy I am to him. All while he's licking his lips....

Guy: oh so you just got off work huh? Awww we should go to the movies or something tonite?

Me: Nah not tonite, I'm going home. Maybe this weekend?

I passed him my paper with my number on it and tell him the proper way to say my name........

Guy: Oh damn *shakes his head* I'll be working this weekend......

This is when I look down at his bag and wonder if he's talking about selling those damn bags and then I look up and smile back at him

Me:Oh well call me and maybe we can work something out

Guy: Yea weekends I work and I also have a girlfriend so we would have to go out during the week, ya know?......

*STOP THE TRACK* This is when I look at him with my face wrinkled and eyebrows arced up, staring at him like he lost his damn mind!!!!!!!!

Guy: Yea so we will have to see what we can work out

I'm still in shock like damn this nigga really just asked me for my number and a date but he clearly has a girlfriend???? THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN!!!!!!!!

Me:ummmmmm yea ok *confused face*

Guy: Ok I'll call you sexy

Me: Yea ok *rolls eyes*

By this time I'm in so much shock I couldn't even tell him to give me the paper back and forget that conversation that we just had. As I could do is stand there and stare off into space and question myself; DOES IT REALLY SAY COME F*CK ME BECAUSE I HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM TO THE POINT I'LL ALLOW ANYTHING, ANY MAN GIVES ME. Well let me answer that HELLS TO THE MUTHPHUCKIN NAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sorry for the cursing but these are my exact thoughts). When my train finally came, I stood in the doorway waiting for the door closed and watched my stupidity stare me back into my face while I looked into the door windows of the subway car. The whole ride home I was like damn did that really just happen?? I don't understand somethings? How do you think it's ok to get another girl number when you clearly have a girlfriend? Plus you probably have a numerous amount of kids! Plus do you think that because you're cute that I'll bend to be and stay that boo boo the fool???? Again hell to the nah! I have too much self esteem and pride for that bullsh!t.

This is a prime example of why I'm so selective of who I talk to. My brother can say I'm acting like a b!tch or too manly but damn that! One thing for sure and two things for certain, I will not fall for anything! When I have that first conversation with a guy, I always ask him five questions. They are as follows:

1. Living situation

2.Occupation (better be legal)

3. Kids (if so how many and how many baby mothers)

4. Dreams and aspirations

5. Have you slept with a man or plan to sleep with a man? ( I don't play that sh!t......NEXT!)

I can see now I'm going to have to add 2 more....:

6. Do you have a car? ( We both can be taking Metro sir)

7. Do you have a girlfriend??????????????

WTF????????

This is a damn shame that I have to be a mini detective to get a decent man now a days. Lord why do you keep bringing these nasty, freaked out, inconsiderate, rude, arroganat men in my life? I'm tired of seeing the male gential through text, email or in person! ( Nice to look at but not all the damn time!!!!!) I'm not some female that dream and is constantly in NEED of some d!ck! So please save your size and pleasure principle for the next freak. That's not what I'm looking for. I don't understand it. Does it really say F*ck me on my forehead??

BTW: I will not be taking that guy's phone call!

Nails

2009-03-09T10:05:00.003-04:00

This is my nail color of the week that I said I will be updating you guys with. Enjoy!

China Glaze:

*Rich and Famous*

Next Week I'll be doing something with Green so I can "celebrate" the Irish in me. LOL. TTFN

My Loc Journey

2009-03-05T20:57:00.002-05:00

Photobucket Album

My new ADDICTION!!!

2009-03-03T10:00:00.005-05:00

Hello Bloggers!

I have offically became addicted to China Glaze nail polish! I know, I know, I'm late but to me this is a big step. I usually get all excited about men, Coach bags, cars, and clothes but never over nail polish. About three years ago, I use to paint my nails every week but I found that too hard to maintain since I was working in an GYN office and I washed my hands every 5 mins! LOL
So now that I don't have to keep them in water so much, I can keep up this habit. ;-)

Over the past week or two, Sally's Beauty store was having a fabolous sale on China Glaze nail polish and I just couldnt resist $3.69 compared to orginal price of $5.99. So thanks Sally's for your lovely sale to start off my bad habit! LOL. I just wanted to share my mini collection compared to some bloggers that I've seen already. Also I wanted to show how some of the colors looked on me so far and I must say I'm loving it! I believe I'm going to put up a pic a week of the colors that I applied to my nails. This is something new for me to do so enjoy, comment, hate or leave it! *Hugs*

~PoeticMind~

*My China Glaze Collection*

*Spontaneous*

*Sexy in the City*

Another View of:
*Sexy in the City*

Hugs

2009-03-02T09:12:00.006-05:00

Hug: to clasp tightly in the arms, especially with affection; embrace.

Hugs are something so simple but meaningful. I'm pretty sure a lot of people take advantage and really don't care about hugs but when you further your thinking, you will see it's quite amazing! Hugs are ocassionally something that people do to say a friendly hello, nice meeting you, I miss you or nice seeing you again. But a hug can also mean other things such as damn I'm really attracted to you, this will be my only way to get closer to this person, I don't want to ever let you go or I miss the feeling of you/smell of you. Hugs are universal!

To me, hugs are what the defintion is, to clasp tightly in the arms, especially affection; embrace. When I hug someone I want them to know that I care for them, love them and truly want them to feel my love pour out my soul into theirs. For a long time my ex-boyfriend use to tell me when I kissed and huged him he could tell that I actually did love him by the way I kissed him so softly and deeply and huged him with such passion. I didn't understand what he was saying, I just thought he was trippin because he was in love but now I get it. I realized what he was talking about when I started hugging other people. I would get the fake "grandma" hugs with the pats on the back, that crap right there got me heated! If you have deep feelings, respect or admiration for that person you would take them into an embrace and show them how you feel. Don't hug a person like you don't want to be bothered or you just trying to tickle their fancy.

My best friend hugged me last week and gave me one of the worst hugs and I told him to get off me. I immediately pushed him away and told him if he's not going to hug me right then don't touch me at all! Yes people I was in my feelings! Right afterwards he did make it up to me by giving me a great "see you later" hug while we departed to our seperate residences. A hug can make a simple day great, a bad day amazily sweet and a shy person open up. It's the quick pick me upper that can settle any negative feelings if applied correctly. Sometimes when hugging it doesn't hurt to whisper in that person's ear and tell them how you really feel. Love them, take in that moment for it's a sec in time where you will implant that memory in your subconscience.

My point being is embrace with love and affection or don't hug at all!

Don't Fall for This

2009-02-22T21:16:00.004-05:00

(Dedicated to Future Lovers)

Please, please don't fall for this. I am poison ivy. I am bound to fuck up your life, fuck up your dreams, fuck up your heart. I have been played so many times that I now know the game. As a matter of fact, I play it on repeat. Ummm my dream one day was to be happy, get married and have some kids but times have changed.

I am bound to fuck up your life. I am poison ivy that rose from the concrete that rise above the grass and builds itself upon that big beautiful oak tree. The once wise oak that use to stretch it's limbs from branch to branch to branch. My poison ivy will crawl up that oak tree suck up it's nutrients and watch it rot. As I stribble back down that once wise oak tree and move to the next. I am bound to fuck up your life.

So please, please don't fall for this. I was once this queen of excellence. This queen from which this king was happy and pleased to be put on the throne. But now that I have stepped down that once high seat I will hold my own gown. I will trail my own path. I will continue to be free! I was once happy. I was once sad but right now I really don't give a damn. Don't fall for this. Please, please don't fall for this.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I should reach for, accomplish for, what my ambition and dreams are. I don't know what I want but until you came along. I didn't know what I want. But now that you have came along I believe all I want is you. But I'm scared to let you in cause I know that I'm bound to fuck up your life. I told you I was once that poison ivy that reached that tall oak tree that sprouted it's limbs from branch to branch to branch. And now that I fucked up that oak tree and sprouted to the next I'm going to do the same thing to you. So why should I even try to let you inside?

I am bound to fuck up your life aren't I? But you still want to give it a try? Yea I guess you know not all apples in that bunch are spoiled rotten. I guess I was that apple that was never picked. So with time my outer layer began to look rough; cuts, marks, bruises were obvious. But deep down inside there's nothing but that sweet soft apple. But you sure you want to take this route? You sure you want to take this route of being my man? Cause like I told you before please don't fall for this. That's only because I believe I failed many times and I am now just a victim of what was given to me by circumstance. But you still see beyond my pain. You actually see that young woman that use to laugh, love, that use to smile. That use to enjoy the pleasures that life bring and I thank you for that. I appreciate you for that. I actually love you for that. But again I warned you I am bound to fuck up your life. So please, please don't fall for this. But now matter how hard I try not to fall for you, you fell for me.

Written 1/24/2008

Is Bill Cosby Right???

2009-01-29T19:27:00.003-05:00

A little over a year ago, Bill Cosby came out with a vengeance to the black community. He was sick and tired, tired of being sick and tired with his own race and I don't blame him! Over the past 20 years, our race (African American/Blacks) has changed tremulously. We can not keep blaming the "white man" for all our problems is his philosophy. We as a culture have to stand up and take responsibility for what we're doing wrong.

Take for example, there is an alarming rise of HIV/AIDS rates, premarital sex and single parenting in the Black community. You don't find it uncommon to have a young, teenage mother walking alone with two or three kids with all different Daddies! I'm going to say this, I don't agree with everything that Bill Cosby is saying. He can be kind of harsh and rude but at least he's someone who's bringing light to this underlying issue! I find it unbelievable how I can go on a website such at "YOU KNOW YOU'RE DEAD AZZ WRONG" and see our black women everyday exploiting themselves for money and attention. This isn't the first website like this but the most amusing one for me right now.(Hey DurtyMo!) LOL. In a lot of these pictures you can see on any given day, how these women flaunt every nook and cranny of their body for someone to take a picture of them. They will do the most unusual sex positions or things to "please" their mates with their children in the background. *blank stare* How dare they corrupt the youth?! These young babies are growing up mimicking everything that they see their parents are doing to the cameras. What makes it so bad, they even show their daughters how to "pop that coochie on a head stand" like they do at work!!! Again Black people we have to do better!

In a way, I believe our Black culture are slowly hating themselves and they don't see the damage that they're producing. Some blogs ago, I blogged about how I'm happy being nappy. A lot of women have told me that I'm crazy for locking such "beautiful" hair and they will never let go of that lye relaxer. Let me repeat myself, nappy is not for everyone. But when you start putting weaves in your hair down to your butt and claiming that's all yours because you paid for it, now that's a damn shame! Why can't you be happy with what God has given you? Have you noticed how a lot of the white women plump their lips fuller to get those Black lips? Or better yet, everyone is getting a butt lift! You have so many young women who look up to you and want to be just like you. I can remember how I wanted my hair to grow just like Aaliayh. I adore and cherished her for being so real and the typical around the way girl. I would slick my hair down and part it just like hers. I wanted my hair to hang long and proud just like hers. I was so shocked when I was in high school that Aaliyah's hair wasn't relaxed, it was natural! Her stylist would just hood dry with a wrap, flat iron and curl. Her hair was so use to it,that finally it just layed there perfectly always. I admired her "natural" beauty but I didn't understand my "natural" beauty just yet.

It took me years to accept myself for what I am now. I am perfect in God's eyes. So what I don't have that big donkey Kong butt, melon breasts, super curvy hips, long hair and cat like eyes! I am a brown skin, nappy headed, educated, nerdy, beautiful BBW! I flaunt whatever I have but in a classy way. I'm a woman at ALL times! I can only change so much of my physical weight but I will always be "PoeticMind" no matter what. I never followed crowds and still don't. But I find a lot of my female friends/acquaintances want to be the next "it" girl or the life of the party. We find this daily in our gossip pages. The girl that does everything when she's drunk. *SMH* These girls (not women!) make me sick and embarrassed. I see how a lot of cultures/religions sometimes look down upon us. I was once that young lady who was dwelling down that spiny road but luckily I found myself before it was too late. Too late to unclaim that baby daddy, lost of education, working dead end jobs, going to the club every weekend while my parents watch my child/children, and living in the fast lane. Steady flirting with every guy that I meet and hoping that he makes me his next "wifey." LOL. This crap is getting old ladies!

Gentlemen (using the term lightly) you're just as wrong as the last foul woman. How can you keep having sex with all these different women from the clubs, hoping that you remembered to put on a condom the night before. Trying to holler at every PYT (pretty young thang) that walks past your sight while you're holding your little son or daughter. Your sons treat women just like his father does and the daughter will learn her first relationship based on love from her Daddy. You have to remember even though you didn't request to have a child, they're God's gift for you to take care of, STOP DENYING YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! No child asks to be born and be denied. Rejection hurts. Bill Cosby has never had to endure any of these thing but he see it everyday just like any culture. Why are so many attacking him and telling him to shut up and sit down? He actually has a point! Our elderly grandparents tell us all the time how to respect one another, especially the elderly, love thy neighbor, stick up for one another, love your spouse like you love God and most importantly be a man/woman and take care of your responsibilities.

We have to teach our children that what we're doing now isn't right. Our children are our future. Without them, our practices, ideas, cultures, routines, religion, customs, etc. will not continue. They are the ones who have to carry the torch once we're gone. I feel sorry for my children when I finally have some. I want to teach them the right and wrong ways of doing/saying things. I want them to study mannerisms, attitudes, faces, reactions and their surroundings. I want them to be better than what I am. I want them to love themselves, flaws and all and let the world fall in love with them. Not some man/woman who told them how cute/sexy/fine/beautiful they are. I want people to see my children for what they really are, God's gifts to this world. We have to teach and raise our children better than what our parents did for us. Protect them, for they are our future.

So do you believe Bill Cosby is right, Has Black Middle Class lost their minds?? Comment

Mental Orgaism

2009-01-29T19:10:00.004-05:00

(Chantez)

The bitter sweetness of sex. I've been tossed, grabbed, licked, sucked and flipped. Anyone now a days can have sex I always say but not everyone can be mentally stimulated. The stroke of a tongue upon your back, the roaming free fingertips against your skin and the loud screams of one's name can turn anyone on.

But the mental foreplay is what I'm looking for. The dizziness from the sex hormones make me loose control. I try my best to gain my dignity as I cling to the pillow that I continue to hold. As you pursue the dish that you wanted so badly to eat, I scream your name louder. You grab my thighs tighter and bite inside so sensually.

While both our climaxes are about to rise you stop to tease me and look me dead in my eyes. Finally an overwhelming feeling comes over me. I've finally been satisfied. The gods, cosmos or universe and the people that study them couldn't explain to me what just happened. I'm on this natural high; beyond cloud nine.

After all, mentally penetrated.

Can You Really Wear That? (continued)

2009-01-21T10:57:00.004-05:00

Ok a couple of blogs back I wrote about Fashion Designers. I did state that one of the reason's why some of these people's lines flop is because of their prices. Well I'll be golly bee!! Look at what I found on Bossip.com's website....

"Sales of the rapper’s gear have failed to take off because of the ongoing economic crisis and the clothing line’s high prices and limited availability. Andre launched Benjamin Bixby in September 2008 and the line included a sweater vest with a $275 price tag and a $1,400 leather jacket.
The Outkast rapper has now been forced to slash prices and sell his clothing via discount luxury sites. “The Benjamin Bixby clothing line is facing severe financial hardships due to limited sales and excess inventory. Because [Andre] paid so much attention to detail, his clothing line was not cheap to reproduce on a mass scale. Instead, limited quantities of the collection were made and sold primarily online through luxury fashion sites such as Barneys.com,” the site said in an exclusive report.
“The problem is no one is buying the clothing line because of the high price point and no brand equity. As a result, the Benjamin Bixby clothing line has had to dramatically drop prices in order to move inventory and prevent retailers from shipping it all back to Mr. Benjamin,” the site revealed
“It’s not a good sign to see your four month old fashion collection on discount luxury sites, but the fact is selling the inventory at a low price is better than it sitting on the shelf and not making a dime,” the site added."

Now I don't mean to be rude or knock anyone's dream but who the hell told him that selling sweaters for $275 will be hot?? This kills me! You see your "people" in a recession and you really think we're going to go out and buy this? $275 that could be three to four bills being paid!! LOL. I'm not going to spend that much money on something as fessible as a damn sweater. If you're trying to make your mark in the fashion world, come out with a sense of fashion that will be markable for those everyday people like me and you. Like I said before, no one want to look like they belong back in the 1920's all over again. We like the grown man/country boy look sometimes but not on a everyday look. We as African Americans need to reach out and help ourselves and our people some other way. We have to do better!!! *SMH*

Club Etiquette

2009-01-18T16:55:00.005-05:00

Last night I decided to go out with my cousins to this respectable Reggae club. My cousins and I range in ages, 27,25 and 23. We are all on the same level of partying standards and we know when enough is enough. I don't go out as often as my 23 yr. old cousin do but I do know a thing or two about club etiquette.

When we first walked into the club, first off the bouncer was trying to talk to my younger cousin. She is very beautiful and curvy so what man don't want to holla? But as we made our way to the bar, an unknown guy was watching her. We decided that we wanted to stand in front of this room heater since there wasn't a lot of people there just yet due to it being fairly early still. As we were standing there, men were flocking over to my cousin. Now let me explain, NO my cousin didn't have anything hanging out, swinging, showing or calling for immediate attention unlike the other women standing around us, like I said earlier she's curvy! So what kills me (not like I'm hating) but why stand around women like we're some type of meat and you're ready to go in for the kill?? Wow bammas can yall back up and give a sista 15 feet? LOL.

As time goes on and the music begin to really play, my older cousin and I decided that we wanted to get closer to the dance floor and "wine our dutty hips" as the Islanders say. Little did we know we left our younger cousin to the wolves!!! A guy approached her (the one who saw here at the bar) and asked why such a pretty lady is sitting by herself? She proceeded to tell him that she wasn't feeling the music at that time and she's fine. Well he wanted to buy her a drink in the meantime. OK cool but the kicker is he wanted her to sit down and let him get the drink! WHAT?! Ummmm no sir, she told him she would follow him to the bar because she doesn't know nor trust him. I guess you can say this was the start of a "beautiful" relationship. LOL.

Rule #1: If you buy a lady a drink, that does NOT give you the right to stalk her all damn night! You can get to know someone without alcohol.

Rule #2: Ladies if you don't want this stalking to occur, politely say no thanks and buy your own. It will truly work out in the end! *smile*

My younger cousin finally decided to join us on the dance floor with her "boyfriend" in tow. But it was this one guy that was staring my older cousin down from head to toe. He was the most rudest person that you could ever met! He busted in between my younger cousin and I to get to my older cousin just to get rejected. When I noticed that he was still standing directly in front of me and backing up, I nicely tapped him on his shoulder and told him that I was dancing and you're in my space to do so, he waved me off. My older cousin informed him that he was being rude and was violating our space. Oh he didn't like that! So he acted like my cousin didn't blow him off and took his anger out on us. He proceeded to tell us that he didn't want none of us to touch nor talk to him. We were like cool but you are the one who's standing in front of us all in our dance area. So I guess he wanted to taunt us and act like he was going to throw his drink on us and we had that attitude like "we wish a ni99a would!" We're fam and we're not going to let nothing happen to us. He kept circling around us and talking to us guys, pointing at us like we were supposed to be scared. I BUSTED OUT LAUGHING! I'm not scared of nobody but Jesus sir! NEXT

Rule #3: Don't drink if you can't hold your liquor properly.

Rule #4: Don't get mad if a girl isn't feeling you. It's alright, she wasn't the one for the night so don't stalk her. You're only making her madder.

Finally after my older cousin kept getting hit on by random, drunk men I decided that I wanted to go sit down since I've been dancing in heels for an hour straight. While I was over there my older cousin had a dance floor stalker looking all over the club for her and my other cousin had guys waiting in line to talk to her. I just shook my head at all this drama and thanking God this wasn't my night that I wasn't getting harassed like I always do. We observed this one "couple" who requested that this random guy get off the wall next to our table so he can really enjoy his dance from this beastly looking woman. While this monkey humping was going next to me, my cousins left me alone for a little while. This is the point of the night were I'm observing the environment/people. I noticed several of women with dresses on that made them look like they were pregnant, showed all their rolls or stretch marks.

Rule #5: Look at yourself front, back and sideways when you look into the mirror. If it don't look right then it's not right!

Rule #6: Stop showing everything that you can offer to the club and then give the men the side eye when you don't like the way he's approaching you. It's what's you're selling!

Rule #7: Freak a guy in a classy way. Don't dip it low like you're a stripper! Give him a seductive dance that will have him smiling while receiving it.

Moving on: The monkey's to my right were exchanging numbers while this crazy man was dancing spiratically to my left, I rolled my eyes. I was constantly reminding myself this is the reason why I don't do the club scene anymore. This crap gets old! So the beastly looking woman's friend asked could she sit down where my older cousin was sitting and I told her it was fine until my cousin came back. While she was sitting there, the beastly woman demanded that she go out on the dance floor and find whatever she lost of hers. She was calling her all types of "bitches and hoes" that I just couldn't believe my ears! This is how you talk to your good girlfriends now a days? Chiiiiiillllleee please, I'm not a bitch and I'm far from a hoe! The other beastly woman's friend was helping look for whatever was missing and decided she wanted to say something to me while I was sitting there. She leaned over in my ear and ask me " I know you didn't come to the club to sit down?" I smile and told her that I had danced earlier that night. But then I thought to myself, Who the hell are you and why are you in my business? If I choose to come to the club and do nothing but be a wallflower then that my business! *eye roll* Needless to say I got up after my younger cousin motioned for me to come on the dance floor, perfect timing! After 3:00am we finally all agreed that we had enough of this madness. My older cousin was going home to her man and kids, while my younger cousin and I were going home to our sanity. Thank God
BTW: The monkey man that was dancing with beastly woman, decided he wanted to grab my arm as I was proceeding to tell my friend who bar tends there good nite. That monkey wanted my number. EWWW you're nasty! Chiiiiillllleeee bye! LOL

Rule #8: Don't go to the club looking for something, you might get what you asked for but in a bad way.

Rule #9: Sometimes it's just too many men in the club to one woman. Don't hawk a one woman all night because she's tired by the end of the last convo. She'll have an attitude when you approach her.

Rule #10: If you don't have no money, take your broke a$$ home! Stop booty tootin for drinks ladies, it isn't cute.

Rule #11: If you're a bouncer and you're trying to talk to a young lady when she's leaving the club, don't you think she's going to say no because she knows you're hollering at every cutie that walks through the door?? (unless she's a hoodrat and really don't care)

Designer Bags

2009-01-16T09:10:00.004-05:00

I had this one particular convo. with a lot of my male patients that they seem to don't understand. They see me all the time with a nice bag (aka purse) which is designer and they always ask, "Why do yall women spend all that money on those bags??" I smile. Well let me try to explain this the best way I know how. I try to to explain to them first off, this is only my opionion so don't take this as a general one.

What is the purpose of a woman's purse you might ask? A woman's purse is to carry around her life with her daily. Whether it's to carry all her money, planner, keys, cosmetics, mail, etc. she needs it to be there on stand by. Now in my bag, I carry my planner, keys, all my lip glosses (gotta have lips poppin), phone, pens, wallet, IPod, eye glasses, contact lens case, perfume, lotion and my inhaler(I have asthma!). These items are my daily dose of me. I need all these things to be on stand by whenever I need access to them. Now when I put these things in my bag, I want my purse to be a reflection of me. If I'm carrying my "life" around with me everyday, why can't I have a nice bag to show off me?

My bag is a show off piece in a way and it's a great conversation starter. But most importantly a hater magnet. You can either get plenty of compliments, stares or criticism. Either way us women thrive off it. If another women compliments the bag to the point she "trys" it on and say it'll match her outfit she has on or the one that she has in her closet then you know you picked out a bangin bag. BUT get it from her quick and don't leave it around her too long. The reason so because she's gonna keep "trying" it on and/or ask you questions into where you got it from. Now ladies, you know the golden rule: Don't ask another woman where she shopped!! We as women are very selfish when it comes to our identity. We don't want to look like another chick or have her flaunt around the same style as you. Now the haters will hate. They hate the fact that you had enough money to by that "expensive bag." Don't get mad at me because I saw a bag that I "had to have" and you didn't have the nerve or the funds to get it!!! That's my money and my blessing so stop hating! Back up I need 15 feet.LOL

Men we do try to save our money sometimes and go out and buy imatiation designer bags. Don't get me wrong, not all my bags are imatiations, I only have one so far. I don't play with those when it comes to my favorite designer bag, COACH. I feel as though every woman can shop there at least once in their life because it's really not that expensive. It's not like you're going out and buying no Luis Vutton, Chritian Dior, Prada, Gucci or D&G. Thank God though I do have the hook up at COACH!!! LOL.

Imatations are great when you see all those other designer bags that cost a down payment on a house, you can easily go out to Canal St. in NYC! Yes I have shopped there and please don't hate on that fact. I refuse to spend $10,000 on a bag that can easily rip/tear or could have been put toward my college loan payback! That's just ridiculous. I know what's my means and what's not so I don't plan to live past that. But if the bag's stiching is right and for that right price, we have a deal! Plus let the haters hate if they think I have a $10,000 purse!

So with all that being said, I want my bag to be a refection of who I really am. If it's flashy, I felt like being flashy for the day. If I want to be simple, then I don't want a lot of attention. If I want to feel different then I will be just that! I am a unique individual so my bag need to be a great reflection of that! So I'll buy whatever I want with that price. Hey if you men can buy $150 pair of Jordans then I can rock my new bag for that price also?!

BTW: The pictures above are my next bags that I'm getting next month. HaHa. Hi haters!

Music

2009-01-14T14:17:00.003-05:00

As our bodies intertwine and dance, we move to a different rhythm. We make music with our own drums and beats. We are one, in tune with our souls. My hips slowly guide your drumstick against my drum. As you penetrate deeply, the loud horns begin to play. The friction against our chests brings forward the perfect sounds of a hand percussion.

We are drumming to our own beat. Your fingertips glide across my skin as if you're playing your favorite song on a grand piano. As the instruments still play, you decide you want to change the tempo by trying another tune. Without loosing the rhythm, you some how lift and flip the drum. Without hesitation, you stroke my face to help me reach my final falsetto. We are beating and making music on our own drum. Our rhythm of love is becoming unbearable. As we come to the end of our song, we slowly look into each others eyes to savor the moment in time. Savor the music that we wrote and own. This is our music of love.

Written

1/14/09

I AM my Hair!

2009-01-13T09:11:00.009-05:00

As a young child I have always had a lot of hair. My mother hated to do my hair because I use to scream for my father and grandmother because I knew they would "save" me from the miserable pain!! Little did I know that I had a lot more years of pain....

I received my first relaxer when I was around the age of five years old. My mom had enough of the natural hair and she couldn't take me screaming at the top of my lungs for help. So she did what all mothers will do, put a chemical in my hair. Now don't get me wrong, a relaxer is probably the best thing invented for those who natural hair is unmanageable but not for my grain of hair!!! My father has some soft, curly hair which don't need much maintenance and well my mom has that thick course hair!!! LOL. That leaves the hybrid (me) to have curly/wavy and thick hair which killed my mother everyday to do.

My first problem with a relaxer when I was around the age of 15(?). I've noticed that my frontal hairline was retreating backwards. I just couldn't believe that my hair was falling out and I was balding around the temples. I cried initially and I was in shocked that this was happening to me. I didn't leave it in too long nor did I do anything extra nor harsh to my hair, sooooooooo why was that happening to me?? Well behold the problem was that years of chemical treatment was tearing up my hair follicles. But that didn't stop me from keep putting in that chemical in my hair. I started putting Sulfur 8 in my hair along with Do Grow products. Needless to say, my hair did grow back and it did quite well.

Throughout college, I was the type of person who always got her hair relaxed every 4-6 weeks like clockwork!!! I wasn't playing when it came to those wavy roots poppin up from the relaxed ends. OH NO SIR!!!! But my hair was still slowly thinning. I did always admire how a girlfriend of mines had her hair done. She started her locking process in 2002(?) and I use to tell her that I was going to loc mines once I finished college. I wasn't quite ready to give up the relaxed hair look for the nappy/kniky routine.

Finally when I reached my graduation day, that was the last time I put a relaxer in my hair, that day was May 21,2005! I told myself that I was dead serious about my hair because it needs to be a reflection of me. No longer do I need to keep that slave mentality that nappy wasn't happy. I was growing spiritually as well as emotionally. I did some research on locs and discovered a tremendous amount of information!! When I started my locking process I was considering my hair "dreads." Little did I know that isn't the correct term to use. (A little history lesson). Dreads are what's considered to the Whites us dreading our hair. In the older days, they believed that us, African Americans hated our hair so we did things to it to conform it to look like theirs. We relaxed it, burned it, twisted it, pulled it, brushed and combed it to make look like we have "good" hair. We all have been victims of tell someone that we have a "good strain of hair. So whites figured that we must dread our hair because of the process that we go through to get it to look straight. Locking is just another process that we do in order to finally just "give up" on our hair. Leading to the term dread bammalocs. Naaaaahhhh I don't dread my hair!

One day after my 23rd birthday, I was in my apartment bathroom looking at my relaxed ends with my overwhelming curly/wavy roots and I was saying to myself I'm ready! I couldn't believe that my hair was so full and beautiful. I was finally ready to leave that relaxed world behind me. The world of relaxers was a thing of the past. Within that past year, I had braids and cornrows to hold down the frizz of my hair growing out of it's relaxed state to being happy nappy. Right there in the bathroom, I cut off all my damn hair! I was left with a little mini bush of hair on top of my head. That was April 2006. I had enough hair to try to put in a small pony tail but something had to be done. I went to the hairdresser that a friend of mine was visiting and she started my locs with two strand twists.

I started my loc journey April 2006 and it's been a tough time I tell ya. At first I was insecure that I cut all my hair off and I looked like a boy. (LOL). So I wore big hooped earrings to hide that fact even though I really didn't look like a boy. After 6 months of locking my hair was becoming unbearable frizzy. It was killing me how all these little strands of hair had a mind of their own!! So I used so many things to keep them down. I did in fact still used products that were good for loc hair and read more about loc maintenance. The hairdresser who initially started my locs didn't know what the heck she was doing!! She put Organic Root Stimulator and gel in my hair which send my hair follicles in a frenzy! I remember coming home from work, running up my apartment steps and diving my head under the kitchen sink to wash out my hair. I saw all the dirt, materials and collection of other things running down the drain as I washed away all that madness. From there on I decided that I was going to do my own hair!

I did in fact maintain my own hair for the first year of my hair. But my father recommended me to this guy he use to work with. The guy did in fact use to have locs but decided to cut them after 16 yrs.!!! His hair reached down all the way above his butt. I remember looking in his portfolio book and see how his beautiful locs flowed and how he manipulated them into whatever style he choose. So I decided to allow him to do my hair. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for failure!!! He did a great job doing different styles and blessing my hair with love every time he did it but he was terrible on pricing and customer relationships. He would come up with different prices every time I would see him, rush me whenever he had another male customer after me (he's gay) and always had "something" to do. He then started doing hair out of his home in DC instead of the shop which was cool for me but then he pulled the last straw for me. He quickly did my hair again when he saw one of his male customers there and then when I asked can I make another hair appointment ahead of time, he told me to "call him and check on it next week." Oh hell nah! Moving ooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnn.....

I resorted to doing my hair at home again! So I did that again for almost 4 months before I was introduced to my current hairdresser. The first day I visited her at the shop, I was hoping that this was it! I was tired of not having someone that was consistent. I needed someone who didn't play games with money, time nor hair. And I must say I'm impressed with her. She is someone who actually have locs, maintain her own and she have numerous amount of clients. I have so many different styles done to my hair and I'm loving it!!! She actually takes her time into perfecting her masterpiece on my head. I've been getting my hair done by her now since March 2007.

During this loc journey I have discovered me. I have discovered that my hair is just some extended follicles, they are a part of me. They are me! My hair is an extension of my soul. I take time and dedication into growing and loving my hair. I still do have people come up to me amazed about how my hair looks because they're so use to seeing how Rasta's loc their hair. One thing that I do agree with the Rasta's is your hair is an extension of your soul. It brings you closer to God the more you grow it. This process have changed me spiritually and emotionally. At one point in time, I was insecure into how my hair will look towards society and my family. My grandmother couldn't stand the fact that I cut off "all my beautiful hair." I told her "Grandma my hair is still beautiful, it's just another form of beauty." Her and different women look at me and try to understand why I gave up the relaxer for nappy happy. I simply smile and remind them that we all didn't come here into the world with relaxers in our hair, a pressing comb on the side nor any products to contine to keep our hair straight.

I'M HAPPY NAPPY!

Drunk

2009-01-12T21:47:00.005-05:00

(Tony)
As you laid there snuggled against me, I can't help but to think back before this night. We talked on the phone for hours before I got a chance to look at your face again. You don't understand how many nights I stayed up playing with the thought of you being here next to me. Daily tasks became unmanagable due to the constant thoughts of you touching me. My lust for you is some how becoming unbearable too. Just these thoughts get me so drunk.

My mind wonders, my body quivers and my lips moistens. Now that you're here my eyes are undressing you and I can't help but to stare. My imagination roams free as my fingers rolls over my lips.

You finally slowly press your fingertips on the softness of my back as you kiss me. I become speechless and flushed. As your hands roam free, the drunkness emerges and I can't help but to be yours. With every kiss and touch my mind spin out of control as I fall in the drunkness of your love.

"Online Sluts"

2009-01-12T20:34:00.005-05:00

Before I start off, let me stress to you that this isn't anything offensive to hurt any one's feelings. This is truly my personal opinion! Now that that's out the way.....

Since the Internet has been up for the past 20 yrs (?) it has been a serious gateway for communication. I truly believe that this is the greatest invention since slice bread but it also has it's downfalls. A lot of the times people go onto the Internet and connect with people. Whether it's personally,emotionally,spiritually,networking or sexually; we all are enjoying ourselves to whatever extent. But what kills me is those people that purposely go online and find sex! Lawd why??? I know you all heard the sayings "everything that glitters ain't gold," "be careful what you ask for," "don't go searching for nothing because you might end up regretting it." Well all those old "country" sayings were true!!! It's a harsh world out here and you have to be careful. People will cut their pictures and make themselves "look good," cut out vital information about their true status, children, DISEASES! and bad habits.

We all want to look suitable to the eye but come on now, be honest with yourselves and the truth will set you free. Like I said before, I'm a true advocate for safe sex!!!! I'd worked at an STD/GYN clinic for 2.5 yrs and I loved it. I've gained so much knowledge,courage and wisdom working there and I'm truly grateful for that. But also working there has opened my eyes to the deadly game of sex. I've heard plenty of stories how people went online, met this guy/girl and hit it off. Now if you have sex the first night, hey that's how it is, I'm nooooooooooo one to judge but please make sure you wrap it up!! It's too many same stories how people go online meet this person and don't bother using protection!!!

I personally, now that I get older, don't see why people go online and show all their assets, do the most nastiest things and expect people to really respect you??? I've always been the type of girl that was classy but sassy and mysterious. Leave a person wondering what's really going on with you, you might actually enjoy that type of attention. But it's killing my Black women more and more everyday how our self esteem is dropping lower and lower. WE (African-Americans) don't need to express ourselves sexually/physically just to get attention because we already have been exploited over the years from slavery down to your average ho on the street. Love yourself from within and it will clearly show out. Self love is the best love.

I had a friend who I loved dearly but she wasn't on my same path. At that point in time, I was in my senior year of college and I choose to not participate in sexual activities. I wanted to be really focused on my school work and graduate!!! On the other hand, my friend was very promiscuous. She would meet guys off the Internet, wine and dine them, take them to bed and then complain to me she doesn't know why they didn't call her back??? WTF? Chiiiillldd Bye! He's not going to call you because you gave him a full meal, banging sex and a nap cap, he's good. He came, He saw and He conquered. She had the audacity to get mad at me when finally I was getting fed up with her complaining when I suggested to her that maybe she needs to slow down and keep a tight ship for a little while. Her comment to me was "girl please that's the whole purpose of dating, you keep f*cking until you get the right one." WOW! I was actually blown away how this slut puppy showed her true colors. Well my response to her when she continued to tell her story was..."well which guy is this, this week because this is someone new. You keep f*cking with so many guys that I can't keep up!!" Needless to say, her and I aren't friends anymore. She still does the same thing, messing with guys on the Internet, selling herself short. *Deuces*

Now online dating sometimes can be the best thing! I've met some pretty interesting people thanks to the Internet but I choose people wisely. In the past I've taken a lot of bull crap from men and I refuse to be any one's slut puppy just to tickle their fancy!!! I am a woman who deserves respect, love and admiration. Now I know some people might ask, have you every dated anyone off the net, well to answer that yes! They were not someone I was looking for at that point in time. We became friends before lovers. As a matter of fact, I still am friends with one of my ex's. We've been through a lot and I rather him to continue to be my friend then nothing at all to me. We have a bond that's not to be broken. So see the Internet do have a soft, nice side to it. I love meeting new, funny, different people that have respect for themselves and others! But I can't stand a man with no class, who thinks I'll bend over backwards and do whatever he wants because he's cute and he know how to use his mouth piece game??? Naaahhh son..LOL.

Please,please,please be smart! Don't have sex and not use protection. Better yet, get to know the person before you're ready to jump into bed with them. Once you jump into their beds,then you're opening up a can of worms that you might not be able to handle at that point in time. Especially women; we think/react with our emotions and our emotions are tied with our sexual experiences. Have sex with someone you enjoy, appreciate,adore and possibly love. Don't become an "online slut" looking for his/her next fix because in the end ladies and gents, you will find yourself by yourself!

You See Me

2009-01-09T09:38:00.008-05:00

(John)
You see through me. You see me just as clear. You see my soul, my heart and my mind. You have no reason for division of space and time.

You see my faults, flaws and scars. You see my insecurities, my ups and my downs. You some how make my day by becoming my personal clown.

You love me. You have swept me off my feet. You have truly accepted me. Me having you life will not be without he.

You caught me. You trapped me. You have pleased my senses. You have been playing with my mind all day. Without you there's nothing much more to say. You have saved me from me. Someone finally see's me.

Written 1/8/09

Smoking in Public

2009-01-06T09:25:00.002-05:00

There are so many Americans that put their lips to cancer everyday. It's your right to do or say whatever you want but when you're making me cough while I'm standing waiting to get on the train then you're getting on my damn nerve!!! LOL

I was waiting at the elevator yesterday to get on the train underground. So while waiting, most smokers stand outside on their phones and smoke their cigarettes and wait which is no problem for me. But what kills me is when I'm standing there also ( I have asthma) and you inching closer to me and the smoke is blowing in my face!!! That crap really does get into my skin and soaks down to my soul. How dare you have the right to sneak behind me and attack my private space?? Come on now, not everyone smokes nor want to smell that crap! If you're going to smoke in public please be nice and courteous to others in your area. Why do people get so close that the smoke is blowing in your face like you're smoking with them? People kill me with the second hand smoke madness!! BACK THE HELL UP FROM ME PLEASE!

Can You Really Wear That??

2009-01-05T20:24:00.001-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR BLOGGERS! I'm really happy to annouce that I'm here to live another year, blessed and in good health! THANK GOD FOR THAT!!

Now since it's a new year, I know a lot of new fashions are coming to the scene. My friend over on Twitter asked a question about who they belive the celebs who have the best clothing line. Some of these celebs line will peak someone's interests and then there's some that will make your mind boggle. Over the years many celebs have came out with their verisons of what they consider "high price fashion." Now if you ask me, I believe not every celeb should put their name on everything that comes out. Somethings should be left either in your closet and saved for another Halloween or for when you're feeling froggy. LOL. I swear it's a new trend for celebs to come out with their clothing lines because they also believe this will be another great way of investing their money and ideas. Well I wanted to take sometime to look over some of the celebs fashion sense.

First off lets take a look see at Phat Farm/Baby Phat. These clothing lines have come a mighty long way. I can remember growing up seeing my older brother looking at the Vibe magazines and admiring the new Phat Farm gear. A lot of people up north loved this line, especially the men around Russell Simmons age. But Russell didn't want to reach out to those his age, he wanted to let the youth see that you can still be fashion and fly. I actually like the Phart Farm collection over the years. Not everything I have agreed with but one thing for sure and two things for certain, he's conquered the fashion/music industry by storm! Now when you have a music/fashion mogul married to a model you're going to get the women's version of Phat Farm; Baby Phat. When I was first introduced to Baby Phat, I actually loved the cute little kitten that was protrayed as being sexy. It was great as a fashion logo and I believe it's pleasing to the eye. What women you know who don't want to be a sexy sex kitten?? LOL. The only thing that I really don't like about Baby Phat is that sometimes logos don't need to be advertised on the product!!! This is a serious pet peeve of mines. I don't want to be walking around and everyone can clearly see what I'm wearing!! They only need to see one sex kitten, not 60,000 of them. LOL. Also not everything need to be hanging off the shoulder or spandex! We need to realize that we need to expand our clothing ideas using other cloths. Other than the overload on advertisments, I can say I'm really impressed with Baby Phat. Kimora has really expanded her money without the help from her ex-husband. I'm an advit user of her perfume line! I seriously do recommend them. Also I appreciate how Kimora has opened her line to PLUS Size Women!!! Thank God! I have a couple of pieces of hers and I'm gratful for that. The price tag on some of the clothing pieces can be a bit much but its resonable. You can pick up either clothing lines at Macy's.

Next clothing line which I enjoy is Sean John. Diddy have such great luck with this side of his many tricks to his trade. At first I was like what in the world is Puffy up to now?? But I must say this tickles my fansy. LOL. I'm overly excited how last summer he got a whole line of nothing but black models to sport his products!! Diddy always trying to do something that is pleasing to his fans and I must say he has received an appluse from me. I love the fact that his clothing line is a little kick, sexy and classic. The men's clothing line is amazing!!! Everytime I see one of his fashion shows he impresses me. I'm surprised that him and his designers are very creative and open minded to what the everyday person is able to wear. Not all the items the everyday John or Jane can wear but he makes his prices fairly reasonable and pleasing. Now if he can get his music career talent like his clothing line, then he will be on the top of his game. I say Sean John gets an A+ in my books for fashion. But I must say his women's line still need some help!! I don't know why he hasn't really did anything for the ladies. The ladies will like to look crisp and dapper with their man. He just need to come up with some other ideas for that and he really would be good!

Moving on...Rocawear. This line was on top of its game back in the early 2000's. I have to give Dam Dash and Hova their props. This line came out and hit everyone with surprise how they gave eveyone a new type of swag. All the sign and unsigned rappers from Rocafella was representing the fashion hitting the streets. They used their albums and friends to spread the word of the new fashion addiction for New Yorkers. If you ask me, I believe it was a great advertisment scheme but you have to be careful who you have advertising your stuff!!! What I appreciated about Rocawear is that they accomdated for both men and women. They weren't too flashy about the logo on the clothes. I did like the fact that they were colorful and not afraid to try something a little different. It was simple, crisp, clean and edgy but it a major catalyst between music and fashion. It helped merge the rappers then that were taking over the music industry with their fans. The fans felt as though they were representing who they listening to and the demand was high for the best that Rocawear had to offer. So thats what they did. Rocawear had all types of models, young and old, differnt cultures and different music artist represeting the line. Rocawear was seen every where, from babies, adults, women's handbags, shoes, coats and furs. The Roc was definetly in the building!!! Eventhough you don't see the line as much, it's still representing.

Now I can go on and on about who I like and some who I believe need to go back to the factory and start all over again but I'll just list the ones who I like.

Apple Bottoms: Good for the big butt women. LOL. Please don't wear if you don't have the shape for them!!!

G-Unit: They took over for a little bit of time and it was very noticable. Every "thug" thought they had a clothing line that finally wasn't that pretty boy ish so they were rocking it. I loved the female line, they made sure their ladies were sexy!! LOL

L.A.M.B: Gwen Stefani stepped on the scence and demanded that attention and respect. Her line was fabolous when it came out and still rocking in the stores like it's brand new. She came up with some new and funky ideas how you can play with the fashion scene. I love the fact that she wasn't afraid to be different and not apologize for it!

For the losers in my opionion of fashion....

J. Lo. I actually like her as an actress but as a fashion designer she needs to stop! I understand there are a lot of women who are hippy and small waist, I'm one of them but not everything need to look like jump suits. They are baggy, no kick or something that screams LOOK AT ME! It just looks like something that I can get from my local $10 fashion store. I like that fact that she trys to include her own sense of fashion but wouldn't catch her wearing everything that she has on her line. Why do these celebs keep putting off these fashion lines with clothes that you don't really see on them?? Which leads me to my next person...

House of Deron'. I'm a hard core Beyonce' fan but her and her mother are lying to me!!! LOL. You don't see Beyonce' or Solonge wearing all those clothes that they are promoting on those websites!!! For years we knew Tina Knowles and her daugher Beyonce' will come out with something since Tina was making their clothes in Destiny Child. But why promote these clothes that are serious overpriced, no ordinary women can wear and what tops it all, they're sold out a lot ot times. Now I know Tina isn't the one who's making each product so come on now!!!....

My last losers are three of my favorite rappers: Andre' 3000, Kanye West and Pharrell Williams. I love their audacity to wear certain things and don't feel sorry or bad about it. But sir's not everyone can wear your clothes!!! Who the hell will walk down the street looking like they just jumped back in time with Benjamin Andre' 3000 then jumped forward and in Startrack with Pharrell?? Oh then you want to look preppy but flashy with Kanye??? People love their fashion's because they dare to be different and they don't bend towards what they believe what society should label black men to be. BUT AGAIN NOT ALL BLACK MEN WILL WEAR THOSE CLOTHES!!! I know a lot of men have said Andre' 3000 is like an alien with a crazy vocab game, Kanye is depressed but his flow is sick and Pharrell is crazy on the producing skills but their clothes are garbage. So my advice is to keep your day jobs fellas. Love ya! *smile*

Beyonce': Diva Video

2008-12-23T13:53:00.001-05:00

I'm really feeling the new Beyonce' song!! I had post this up for everyone to see. Enjoy!

For Shits and Giggles...

2008-12-21T22:14:00.002-05:00

Random Thoughts....

2008-12-21T21:17:00.003-05:00

I was looking on the internet today and it amazes me how this woman was saved by her coworkers and now she's suing them!? I mean seriously lady, are you really going to do that to them?? How dare she be that ungrateful for her life, just because she's paralyzed! She should be happy that she's living another day and to have the opporutnity to see her love ones. All I can do is shake me head. *SHAKING MY HEAD* This woman is so mad at the ones who had the nerve to put their lives in danger and save her's. I'm soooooooo confused on her madness!!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2008/12/18/state/n134850S58.DTL

Enough of that bullcrap....I recently went out to the club with a couple of friends of mines. I find it quite funny how women purposely come to the club to to catch an attitude! First off, these club owners pack these clubs to the point that we all act like we're caged animals just for the love of the dollar, then we get mad at each other because we're trying to find enough room just to dance or pass through, and drunk men that think you're cute in the club. Now the last comment really gets me. People should learn their lesson from Luda's song, One More Drink. DON'T come to the club and get so intoxicated, ask a girl for her number and then the next day you're trying to figure out who the girl is. I've seen it numerous times again, how these men find themselves in a situation of trying to figure out to be rude or go with the flow. Take my word of advice, just say no to that last drink! Don't ask me for my number, ask me for my pic the next day and decide you want to ignore someone because you were too drunk to remember what I look like! Ignorance is bliss.....

Mental Stimualation

2008-12-07T09:48:00.004-05:00

Hello Bloggers!

I know I talk about relationships a lot because I've been in many myself and I can smell bullsh!t from miles away now. LOL. But I came across this paragraph in this book I'm reading now called Pleasure by Eric Jerome Dickey which sparked my interest. It states, "Physical attraction was about aesthetics, not sexual performance, not mental stimulation. Without mental connection, a remarkable sexual performance yielded no lifelong guarantees. It was only lust. And lust was not love." I LOVE THAT STATEMENT!!

When I first read that I was moved by it's words. How can a man that's writing about how a woman is finding it hard to get stimulated know what the hell I'm going threw now??? That's my problem that I find with a lot of the men I know now. Lack of mental stimulation!!! I love men, far and wide but where the heck is the conversations that follows? When I first opened up this blog, my first blog session was about how men chase after what's "not good for them." A lot of our men don't realize that sometimes, they're chasing a lost dream of hope. You can hope and wish to get that girl that you want but if you don't have the mental stimulation that comes a long with the nice cars, fancy clothes and money what are you really getting. There are some women now a days that only want the material things but what about the women who really want love?

I would love to meet someone who can not only satisfy in other ways but make me hang on your every word by mentally stimulating me. A conversation that can last for hours without getting boring, not having to take things from the back of your mind to continue a short convo, or having that pause in the convo that seems to be annoying. The problem I believe is that a lot of people got lazy into wanting to know a person for who they truly are. I've been victim to saying, "I hate getting to know someone all over again because it's a long process." You can't go back to your ex just because that person is a safe zone!!!! They're your ex for a reason..duh!!! LOL. Don't be scared to jump out there and challenge yourself. Talk to people you wouldn't normally talk to.

I get to speak to different people almost everyday about their past experiences. I currently work for a company that helps the mentally ill. So I work with schizophrenics, severely depressed and bipolar population. It amazes me how I find my sanity in their complexed minds. A lot of people will disregard what these people will say because they have mental problems or previous substance abuse problems but you have to understand they have been threw whatever and back. They recognize their problem and they know they need help, hence that's why they come to my company. I find myself wrapped into their conversations about family, friends, drugs, relationships, politics, etc and I'm truly intrigued by the mental satisfaction that I find. Why the heck can't that be an every day "Joe" on the street that try to talk to me??? Why, is because they only see physical and don't see potential. I'm always the "cool, down to Earth, around the way girl" but never the potential. Now I'm not mad or bitter because now I have the power of choice!

The power of choice is an overwhelming feeling that you can't seem to control once your recognize it's gift. You have to remember that you choose who you want in your life, who you want to talk to, who you want to have sex with, who you want to spend your extra time with. Just like when you choose to be in a relationship with, you can choose to do whatever you want with that person. My patient told me the other day, a lot of times men are wrong when they believe that they chose that women who they gave their number or talk to but actually it's the women's choice to call you back or even be bothered with you. It's all about conversation! If you can't stimulate that women within the first 5 mins of the convo then you're killing time. A woman wants excitement, action and deliverance. We don't want a man that's only good for one thing (unless that's all she wants). Take for example, I know this guy who's been liking me for years and I completely passed him by for other people in my past. He confronted me earlier this year and was straight up about how I neglected him for a long time. All he wanted was a chance to prove himself to be my man. So I decided (choice) to give him a chance. We have all the lines of communication open but he bores me. He can IM me, text, call or hang out but he chooses not to. When I do see him, he has nothing much to say, I'm the one who's pulling teeth to get him to start talking more. This is probably a really good man (for someone else) but I NEED to be satisfied mentally!

You can not skip to just sex without mental stimulation. That's why a lot of people cheat. It's no communication or they're bored. Find other ways to produce a healthy relationship if you find yourself boring. You can always take your lady to places she dreamed of or never been. You will find it amazing to see that that can spark a perfectly mental stimulating conversation. Step out of your norm and have fun for once dammit!!! A relationship isn't always about you and your sexual ego that needs to be stroke often, this point goes to both male and female. Ask questions, peek your own interests as well as theirs and tell them what you're really thinking. You never do know what people is really hiding underneath all that skin. LOL.

When I post my poetry, please don't assume that I had sexual relationships will all those men. NO I didn't! I have quite the imagination that has a pretty dark hole. I dream and when I dream, I dream big. I can close my eyes and vision. I can smell and feel. I can hear what I want them to say. So it's just my imagination running wild. I have met all types of men from all walks for life but the ones whom I encountered and wrote about has peeked my interests but they seemed to be all the same. NO mental stimulation. I have only really been "in love" but twice. I have lusted over numerous people (LOL) but never loved. When I love, I love hard and strong. I want my feelings to felt in every kiss that I give that person. I have only had that opportunity once in my life so far. I have only really been mentally stimulated once also by that same person......

So my plee for you is to give thought to what you say and mean it. Don't try to see what someone is like in bed, see how they react to situations. Can that person manage their checkbook, can they have fun and be themselves around kids, can they be spontaneous, can they be adventurous, can they shimmy your fancy like B. Scott say?? Can you all both mentally stimulate one another?

WORLD AIDS DAY!!!!!

2008-12-01T08:03:00.004-05:00

Good Morning Everyone!!!

Today is a special day. No it's not only 24 days until Christmas but today is National HIV day!!! Why get excited you ask??? Well to me you should be excited to know that you have somewhere you can go close to your house and get tested for free. It should be no excuse why you haven't had an HIV test yet if you're having sex, unprotected or protected. We all need to be an advocate and get out here and help our youth. It amazes me how so many younger people will have sex just based on their partner's pressure or to "fit in" with their peers. We all have been there and had that pressure put on us. But we as a country still don't have enough sex education programs or some of the parents are fearful that their child will ask too many questions about sex that they're not ready to answer. That's crazy to me!!!! If your child is coming to you and they're asking you questions, don't you think that's better than they going out trying new things that they don't know nothing about?? Or better yet, get "advice" from the most unexperienced person out here?? That's why in Washington, DC we have the highest rate of HIV cases in the area because they don't know. They don't know how serious it is until they get caught up. They don't know how crazy people are until they're lied to. They don't know that they're not stronger than that virus. HIV does not discriminate!!!! It doesn't care what color or culture you are. It doesn't care how old you are or what plans you have. It doesn't care if you live or die!!! It cares to thrive off your body for survival. So get a clue!!! Wrap it up and have sex only with those that you love and trust. Your body is much more than you will ever know. You're priceless and no one can take that from unless you allow them to. So be proud and love yourself more than the next person will!!!

TO FIND THE NEAREST HIV TESTING LOCATION, CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW

http://www.hivtest.org/

It's been a long time....

2008-11-30T15:30:00.003-05:00

OK so I know I haven't been on here in a while but I've been quite a busy young lady. So since I haven't been on here in a while,I'm posting two poems that I've written recently. I hope you like it. Please post comments and follow the blog!!!

Peace and Blessings, J

"A Waste of Matter and Time"

(A "stranger")

I want you now more than ever. I have these built up emotions, feelings, yearns and tears. I have all these unexplored thoughts and decisions. One thing for sure is I want you. I'm growing angry everyday knowing my feelings for you grow stronger and tighter. Tough as Teflon, longer than any given yard and better as an aged wine. These emotions for you aren't new, as a matter of fact, I knew how I felt when I first met you. I was amazed by your dark chocolate skin, your Colgate smile, mesmerizing eyes and your deep voice. I'm trying to build up my courage to come to you and tell you how I really feel but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you'll shut me down and don't want me like I want you. Yea, I heard that line, I only want you as a friend. Yea, Yea, Yea heard that line too. Now I can sit here and tell you how much I can change this and give you that but if your mind isn't here, it's a lost cause. I am tired and pissed to be the last choice in your marathon of thoughts. I want to be your first and last. Your everything! I have so much lost love locked away patiently waiting and waiting. When will it stop? When will the peace subside with the love? I want you more than those brand new pair of shoes. I want you more than that new bag with a high price tag. I want you to remind of love and hope. All these things I want to tell you not only you but the world too. All these thoughts I write as I pass you on the train, too afraid to say hello to you. Damn I get so mad! Not mad at you but at society. They have programmed you to want what's not good to you. You want the bad girl who's poison to your soul. Toxic to your thoughts. Society has whispered in you ears lies and deceit to love this particular type of woman. Why not me?? Lord please help him see! But until the meanwhile, as I proceed off this train, I leave my thoughts for keeps, my feelings under wraps, crying invisible tears, and my pride protected. Until the next time I see you again, these words are a waste of matter and time.

Written 10/27/2008

My Petition

(Dedicated to my Spirit)

I have needs, wants and desires. I have made decisions, changes and life scarifies. I'm at a moment in time where everything is standing still. Just as dull, lonely and thoughtless as the moment before. I'm at a dead end. A dead end at the fork in the road. A fork in a road that can't be seen past the eye's view. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm lonely.

I set aside all these foolish ideas of falling in love and traded them for strength, courage and wisdom. I need guidance. I need time. I need love. I deserve love and affection. I deserve the undivided attention and daily devotion. I deserve the silly just thinking of you texts and emails. This is my petition of my standards of love. I want it more than ever. I thrive off it's energy. I'm breathing it's air. I'm simultaneously beating along to it's heart beat.

I am waiting patiently.

Written 11/16/2008

My Pursuit of "Happyness"

2008-11-11T15:34:00.003-05:00

So I don't understand how these supervisors believe that they have some power over you. People get respect when you give respect, don't ever forget that! Once you start living for money and making money, then money will control. A lot of people don't realize that they live their lives for that statement. I personally want to live comfortably so I don't have to worry but that seems like it's not working right now. I'm trying no to stress about these piling bills but they are slowing drowning me. BUT I will not let that stop me from dreaming.

Now back to this supervisor. I truly believe she thinks she has some power over me. I would greatly upset to loose my job but it's just that, my job. This isn't my career. This isn't what I ultimately want to do. I want to be the person to be my own boss. I want to strive towards a goal of owning my own business. So my supervisor don't have no hold over me. I live to enjoy life, I don't live to work. Therefore, that gives her this misconception of me having to worry.

I'm reading this book now called Rich Dad, Poor Dad. I highly recommend you to read it. This book was recommended to me by my coworker. She was telling me how someone told her to read it and now she's passing the wisdom. Now when I say that this book is a life changing book, I mean it! You will change you whole perspective about money, your decisions and your future. Some of the things that was spoken about, I do practice now but it's a great book to learn from. I take notes and plan to live by them. Within the book, it speaks how you can change your thinking and decision making about your finances, investments and how to start your own business. I would simply say, if you want to stablize your financial future then this is the book for you. As a result of the book, it has motivated me to change my decision making, be wiser about my money and be more patient. But most importantly, it made me realize that I'm living right now to work, pay bills and try to have fun with my "left over money" but in the long run I'm actually hurting myself. I don't need to live to work at some job that is only temporary. I got that job based on my experiences but I can start my own business based on my experiences and knowledge.

So I'm not living in fear anymore of being someones puppet, waiting for that person to cut my strings or better yet, me having the courage to reach up and cut my own strings. I'm striving for a better future. A future that will not only benefit me but it will benefit my kids and their kids. I want to leave a legacy. I want people to say she survived when at that time America was doing terrible. I want to live in a boat above water, not try to keep my head above water. So with that being said I'm in pursuit of my own "happyness."