It's pouring outside. The rain made it's presence known that it was there to stay for the day. I was drenched with my Grandmother as we walked into the doctors office this past Friday. We laughed and joked as we were waiting for her name to be called. I sat uncomfortable next to her because the chairs were small and positioned close to each other. I forgot how the conversation started but she stated "I don't think you want to loose weight."
Now for years my Grandmother made comments about my weight and I didn't really pay her any attention. I brushed her off and told her to "chill." When I was in college I figured I was the same size as I was when I left for school. But she saw something different. When I went over her house to wash clothes some weekends she would say, "baby your face is getting really round along with your belly." I would mostly look at her with an evil grin, roll my eyes and walk away. I just figured older people say whatever they want out their mouths with no thought attached to it.
But now I see my Grandmother was right...
In 2005, I went through a life changing experience. Little did I know that was the beginning of my troubles. I had a lot more downs than ups. I lost myself in the meanwhile. I did attempt to get myself back on track since then. I join a local gym not once, not twice but three different ones. The first time around I lost 40 lbs. initially and then 35 lbs the second time. But I gained the weight back, plus some after each time. The third gym, where im at now, i attend there occasionally. From 2006-2009, I was going through an emotional rollercoaster.....I'm surprised I didn't loose my damn mind.
I'll spare both you and me the details since I don't want to go back down memory lane. But just know with each situation, I was gaining a pound. Along with sadness, like any girl when she gets into a comfortable relationship she looses herself since most of her attention is on her new man, money and having fun. Plus I had a man each time who appreciate my curves, rolls and mind. They didn't care about my weight and neither did I.
In between of unemployment spells, I ate out of boredom and stress. I didn't care how I felt, what I ate and how much money I spent. I was too busy worrying about being able to pay my bills. Thankfully God has blessed me with two different jobs in between those times but each job was stressful. And with stress, it triggered my eating and emotions. Again I wasn't paying attention. I wanted a break, a new scene and a career. So I applied to nursing school finally and I got accepted last summer! Exciting and motivating. Exciting but yet again stressful as well. I don't know how much I gained but I wasn't happy with my extra weight I'm carrying around.
Last year my mom signed me up with her to weight watchers. I was excited about this change in my life. Attending school and possibly loosing weight. I did initially loose 15 lbs with eating right and slight exercise. That all changed with the daily stress. Stressing over studying, passing my classes, doing assignments on time, my Grandmother's cancer diagnosis, my finances, my family and my dying relationship. It was a good program but I later realized that I won't be able to work the plan properly.
It's hard to do things right and eat clean when you're living in a household who doesn't eat like a health nut. Instead they eat everything fried, smoothered and sweet. That's a hard combination in trying to loose weight. Now you may think well buy your own food. Easier said than done since I'm in school full time and financially i rely on my parents for some things. It's a sacrifice for both of us but I appreciate them beyond feelings and words. They want to become a great nurse one day soon, so somethings they pitch in.
As I looked at my Grandmother again as I always do at that doctors office and gave her that same look about my weight and explained to her it's easier said than done just like her smoking habit after her brush with cancer. But when I went home and thought about it she was right. Earlier that week, I went to my weight watchers meeting and I gained back my 15 lbs lbs i lost and I was slowly creeping back up to my weight i was before I joined this weight loss program. I damn near cried.
Something has to change!.....
Recently I've been having some conversations with my best friend about her weight loss and therapy sessions with a life coach. Both her and I realized that our weight gain was from our emotional baggage over the years. With each stressful situation, I ate. I cried, I ate. I was eating my life away. I was killing myself. I feel different. My weight is becoming a nuisance. I don't enjoy my shopping trips anymore, subconsciously I hate taking pictures now and I can see my weight. I now see what my Grandmother saw many years ago.
I decided this week I'm cancelling my gym membership and Weight Watchers membership, cut out the eating out, sweets and stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm carrying around all these unhealthy emotions and insecurities. I need to look at what I'm doing and eating, write down my thoughts, pray and say NO to all the wrong things and people. I have to work on my self internally before externally. So I guess I wasn't ready to loose weight until I saw me naked. This is just the beginning of my life long journey of loosing weight.
