Thoughts to Paper: Journalling

I've started journalling at the tender age of eleven. Like most children that start at the age, you mostly write about whats going on in your life irrevelant. Myself, I wrote about who's house I went over, what we did, what I did for the weekend with my parents and the little snotty boys that I liked. To this date, I have three journals that I have filled in with my random thoughs and experiences. Now those three are in the attic collecting dust. But from time to time I do go back and read what I wrote. It's always an excellent thing to go back and remind yourself how far you have come. What lessons you have learned and what you gained from it all. I usually do this a year after the last journal entry in the previous journal. It's simply a time to reflect and encourage myself.

When I tell people that I journal, they always ask me what do I write about? Its kind of hard to explain but I most likely give them examples. I see journalling as another outlet for me to get to my thoughts out. It's my friend without judgement. They only person who will ever judge me is me. A lot of times I listen to people's problems day in and day out and give advice when asked but then when it's time for me to let go of how I'm really feeling, no one seems to be around or really paying attention to a word I am saying. Therefore, I let my ink bleed on the papers, sometimes along with tears. Yes, tears. I can't count how many times I had to stop and allow myself to get myself together because I have had so much built up anger and/or hurt suppressed inside of me. I hurt just like any other human being or animal but somehow some people don't see it.

As years progessed on, my writing has become extensive. My poetry is an exentsion of my thoughts but more on an intimate level. Those are differnt types of words that flow through me. Poetry is my inner most vulnerable spot within my soul. Something that many people wont understand (unless you're a poet also). But now my journalling has expaded to other books. I have a personal one where I write down my weekly experiences, lessons, thoughts, goals and feelings. My prayer journal is where I talk to God on a more intimate level. I usually write my prayers down and then speak outloud back to God. I pray about anything that my heart desires, regardless if it's prayers for other people, money, goals, accomplishments/praises, hurt, pain, etc. I let God know how Jamale is really feeling. I don't hold back at all to God. He is the only one who knows me the best, so why fake it?

Lastly, I have an exercise/diet journal. Now this is new, since I just brought it this past week but I have journalled about this in the past, I just did it in another form but it's all the same. This journal has the date, current weight, meals, feelings and thoughts. I use to write all this stuff down in my personal journal but I'm glad to see that they finally have it where I can keep up with it separately. Thank you God! This journal is going to help me A LOT with my weight problems. Unlike, some people, I can admit when I'm wrong. And right now, my weight is all wrong. This is an area in my life that I don't like and that I need to work. Therefore, I believe this journal will open up myself in a different way and reveal to me my problems with loosing weight.

I express all this to say, don't be afarid to write. I use to be afriaid to really put down on those pages what was really going on with me in fear of someone judging me later. But I later discovered that the only person who was getting hurt was me. I don't care what people think nor do I care how they may view me once I depart from this earth. I just pray that people will understand that I made my share of mistakes and I have learned from them. So if my children read from them, they too will learn what not to do. Or even if my journals fall in the hands of a stranger, I pray that they live their life to the fullest as I'm trying to live mines. So if you're reading this and don't have a journal, go out and try it. Allow yourself to be comfortable enough to fully let go of what's bothering you. I pray that you see what's really eating you up inside. Peace and blessings...

I'm rich even when I'm poor

Most people on the weekends take time out for themselves, their family and friends. The weekend is a time for relaxation, laziness at its best, and a time for unlimited fun but this past Saturday I unselfishly went to feed the homeless.

I don't know if any of you have ever taken one of your Saturday mornings and feed those who haven't eaten in days. When you hear about the closing of some churches and non profits, I believe most people don't let it bother them. But for me it hurts my soul. I have no problem telling the world that I use to work for a non profit company ; Planned Parenthood to be exact! Now you may look down at me for working there but I take it as a learning experience. Luckily, I didn't work at the abortion site but we did receive the nasty phone calls and letters. Being there at that non profit organization have taught me so much. You don't know how much stress happens behind closed doors because the company is trying to stay a float.

This same stress can be applied towards these churches and organizations who help those who can't afford or do for themselves. This particular church I volunteered at was located in uptown DC, right in the heart of what you consider the upper class community. The community was surrounded with embassies, mowed lawn, healthy dogs running free and nice cars parked in 2 car drive way. It was a little bit of a shock to see once you walk into the churches dining room area to see the sadness on those peoples faces. They were so humble, so helpless, so hungry.

My job in the kitchen was to separate and plate the bread. As I fellow shipped with other men and women in the kitchen, I was humbling myself yet again. God always seem to put me in these situations where he needs to remind me of how blessed I actually am. Once we plated the food, it was time to serve the people. I held the tray while one of the other volunteers passed out the plates. You should have seen how some of the most humbled homeless people can become a vicious animal in a matter of seconds. They lose all sense of logical thinking, sense of control and respect. Hunger is the only thing that is leading their conscience.

We didn't even have enough to feed them all a second time around. I felt bad to see the look on their faces. I wanted to sincerely go out to purchase them all something to eat, drink and wear. Some of these people smelled so harsh, that it took my stomach back to an unwanted feeling of nausea. That's one thing that I don't understand, how can you smell like urine and not musk only? Do you simply urinate on yourself and then lay in it? That still bothers me. Once the lunch was over, one of the volunteers managed to make over 200 goodie bags for them. She requested from her friends, family, coworkers, neighbors and even strangers for donations to give to the homeless. This noble act was duly noted as the homeless humbly accepted the bags. Some was just grateful for what they received, some was being greedy and others wanted some other bag.

No matter what the reaction was, they loved they idea that they got some food and other goodies to take along the way. While standing there, passing out these goodie bags, you can clearly see the reaction on their faces. It hurts and humbles you all in the same breathe. I kept thinking what would I do if I was in their position? How did they get there? Why didn't their family help them? Simply why are you homeless? It pierced my soul with meekness.

I've been volunteering ever since high school. I've done numerous amount of activies such as mentor, teachers assistant, youth mentor, habitat for humanity, donations for families, suicide hot line counselor and the list goes on. But its always most important when you can actually reach out and physically touch that person. Everyone has a purpose to help one another. Pay it forward but many choose not to. But on Saturday I had to give to those that had little or nothing compared to me.

While driving home, I was worried that I wouldn't have enough money for my upcoming bills because I just brought a brand new car. But then I had to stop that line of thinking because I'm rich. Yes I'm actually very rich. Even on my worst day, I still have more than others. I have a clean bill of health, a job, a new car, a dog, a house, bank accounts, clothes and shoes. Just those little bit of blessings go a mighty long way. I can compare myself to celebrities but then I wouldn't be who I am today; HUMBLE.

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Feeling good, Feeling great.....How are you???

Have you ever woke up one morning knowing you're going to be late for work or you're not really ready to go to work but you feel good??? Well that's how I feel today, I woke up not really feeling the motivation to get up and go to work. Now a days, I'm so like *blah* about going to work because I want so much more out of where I'm working. I'm very grateful and happy that I have my job but I wish sometimes I had a little more perks.

Anyway, while shutting the door to lock it, I noticed that my brother (pictured above with me) had the hood up to the car. He calls the car Eleanor so I asked him what was wrong with "her"? He looked up at me, mad as sh!t because the car wouldn't start. Right then and there, I wished that I could just run to his rescue and tell him forget the car and lets go to the dealership and pick out any car that he wanted. Yea I have a huge imagination but one of these days, I'll be able to do such adventurous things. Yesterday, he called me at work to ask him to pick up after work because the car didn't want to start. "Eleanor" sometimes have a mind of her own and she wants to start up whenever she wants. Now this is an older car (1996 Hyundai Elantra) so it'll have it's moments. But this wasn't the moment for her to be acting up. My brother had to make it to work because he had a meeting and where he works at, it's not really Metro accessible. So I understand and feel his pain. Luckily, if he needed me to pick him up or take him to work, we work nearly 25 mins down the street from each other.

What took me back a little later today was I was able to help my brother when he actually needed me. I know some of you all like, umm isn't that what you're suppose to be for your siblings but you don't understand. It's been times when I didn't have the means to help my brothers with anything almost a year ago. I've struggled and I'm still struggling but at least God has blessed me with a new car to help with little things. My brother and I both took the train in today to work. I sat next to him and blogged while he listened to his music. I smiled because through my blessings I'm blessing him. Even though it was something as simple as a ride to the Metro station, I'm there to help him. I don't really sit back and realize how much I help the little people. I work with patients that need mental help and I'm so excited to see their smiles on their face or the happiness in their stride after someone helped them without judgement.

I later sent both of my brothers a "I love you" text. Just a little thought to let them know that I am here for them no matter what. I love them more today than anything because all the drama and madness we've been through together. Sometimes you just have to take the time to tell your family how much you love or miss them and I did just that. I do get to see my older brother at least five times a month. He has his own family and responsibilities that he's taking care of so he can't always be around but he is always there for me when need be. So I decided that I've decided that I'll send out some emails and texts today just to see how my people is doing. I'm just feeling good, feeling great!!!!! Usually when I'm feeling extremely happy but nervous, I know God is blessing me :-) My break through is about to happen. I can feel it!!!