Running

(Joshua)

I'm dreaming a dream that will never come true. I'm falling in love with someone that I've never knew. I find myself running back to a love thats brand new.

I'm lost.
I"m alone.
I'm confused.

Why do I find myself back to a situation that I thought I left behind? Only to fall back into a depressive state of mind. Why do I love you? Why do I even care? When I needed you, you were barely even there.

The noise is too loud.
My world is turing upside down.
My head dives in the palms of my hands.

I've cried so many tears over you. I've lost so much pride when I'm not with you. I've let myself go because of you. Because of you, I don't want to love again! I feel loving is a complete lost and a blind sin.

I'm running.....
I'm running.....
I'm running.....

I swear to God I want to let you go but I don't know how. You have been my yearly dose of medicine. I fiend for you. I breathe your air. I inhale your colonge even when you're not there. I touch you, I feel you, I yearn for you. You have been my "pusha man" for so long, I don't know how it feels to be sober anymore.

My soul is weak.
I can't breathe.
I'm in a manic state of mind.
I'm running, I'm running
I gotta run away from you........

Written 8/5/2009

A Church to Call MY Own

Once I finished college I decided that I was going to go back to my home church and participate in almost everything. I was very focused and determined to get myself together spiritually. So that following month, June 2005, I started off at vacation bible school. I pushed my mom to attend every evening sermons and other activities they had. I was super excited to be back at my home church. But something wasn't right in my soul. I wasn't receiving the word correctly. I wasn't feeling welcomed. I wasn't feeling like I belonged. This small church that I once knew wasn't the same. They have since moved into a huge, mega church while I was away in college. They seem to have so many "funds" you can donate to. The Pastor stepped back and let other Ministers preach the word. By the end of the summer I knew I had to move on and get another church to fulfill my soul.

There I was again lost in the world without a place to call my home. To upkeep my attendance in the church, I attended church at my grandmother's church. This is our family church which all the grandchildren, aunts, uncles and cousin still gathered together for numerous amount of activies. The parishioners there are wonderful people and the Pastor is a wonderful guy. But all the members including the Pastor are well past my age. I have no one to relate to. They don't have alot of ministries nor do they do alot of community activities. So I knew that was a church I'll just visit occasionally.

I started a new job March 2008 and started telling one of my coworkers about my church woes. She agreed with me on some many levels how she went through some of the same situations. She told me I'm more than welcomed to visit her church home. I expressed to her that I wanted a small, humble church home. Somewhere I feel safe but my soul can receive it's weekly feeding of the word. She then told me her church might be a perfect fit for me. I was thinking initially I heard that before but let me give it a chance. So on June 2008, I visited her church. Instantly, I was smothered with nothing but love and overwhelming welcomes. Everyone was so nice and understanding. The Pastor was someone that everyone could relate to. He was once out there in the streets doing everything wrong under the moon and sun. He was once a heroin addict, womanizer and someone whom carried an anger problem. That first sermon was amazing. The church was absolutely amazing! I immediately went home and prayed to God to please show me if this church is right for me. By the next Sunday, I found myself at the church's alter giving myself to the church.

I was overwhelmed with so much joy and happiness! I finally found the church that I felt so comfortable with. I lived the word. I spread the word. I gave up alot of things. Such things as ways of thinking, attitude, men, friends and money. Everything that needed to be done right, I did it. I did it without hesitation because I believed in what I was doing was right. My church family was my extended family. I told my coworkers, my family and friends about this church all the time. I got my mom to come out and visit too. So from the months of June thru October I was very dedicated to my church. I was so proud of myself because I've never been so focused and dedicated to something so small but big in my whole life.

After the election of Barack Obama, we all went to church overwhelmed with pride! My church all worked so hard to promote Obama and his campaign so we in a way went to hear the word but celebrate in the process also. The Pastor opened up his sermon about the winning campaign of Obama so the sermon's subject was about CHANGE. We all listened closely as we all took in the word and examples of the sermon. Near the end of the sermon, the Pastor asked us all were we all ready for a change? Of course we all are ready for a change. We're Christians and we have to change everyday with the times. But his next words were a shock to our souls. He told us that that Sunday was the last Sunday in the building! We were like huh? Him and his wife decided to merge our congregation with his Pastor's congregation. At first we thought some of those church members were coming to our church but then he explained further that WE were closing doors. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. How did this happen to me?

The following Sunday we were suppose to all meet up at the other church to be introduced to the whole congregation. But I couldn't get myself out of bed that morning. I had a mini anxiety attack. It finally set in that my "perfect" church was gone. How could the Lord give me such a beautiful church and take it away from me in the matter of five months? In such a small time, I changed some pretty big things. I was devastated! Therefore, I couldn't find myself out of bed that Sunday nor no Sunday after that. I still prayed and kept my eyes on God no matter what. I also talked to my coworker whom introduced me to the church almost everyday about my feelings. During the closing of the church doors, she was out on maternity leave so I had to call her to tell her about the closing. She and her husband didn't believe me until they rode past the church and saw the Realtors lock on the door. She cried. We cried.

The Pastor decided to call or email each one of his members because apparently alot of people didn't merge with the new church. From what I heard from my coworker, she said only 3 people merge with the new church out of over 50 members. That's alot of people that was obviously hurt and devastated. Finally I emailed the Pastor to let him know how I really felt about all the transformation. Within the email, I explained to him how hurt I was and how much him and his wife have motivated me to change directions in my life. How dedicated and serious I was about the church for it to only close it's doors in my face. His simple reply was that he was the overseer of the church and he and his wife saw it best to close the doors. No explanation, no apologies, no love! I felt lost, hurt and pained. How dare you close the doors without your paying congregation and without the elders knowing?? He simply left everyone hanging!

After that I didn't know what to do about that situation. I wanted to go see this new church but I couldn't find myself doing so. First of off it's a "mega church" with three locations, you have to make appointments to see the Pastor, it's too far and I wouldn't feel comfortable. So I decided against it. Since then I really haven't attended church. Not because I lost my faith but because all these surrounding churches are just too big! I'm a woman that like small, southern style churches. I love the unity of small churches and the intimacy of them. They care and love their members. They didn't loose focus of what it is to still suffer. Like I'm doing now, suffering.

When YOU should Let Go of an Ex!!!!!

We all, regardless of sex, have gone down that lonely road of revisiting the thought of an ex boyfriend/girlfriend. For some of us it works out perfect and for others it can be quite a learning experience. Like many bloggers, I want to share my experience and lessons learned from revisiting that terrible road of MISSING AN EX.

So there was this guy that we'll name "Mark." Mark was a high school sweetheart of mines. Someone whom I would have done anything for. I would have "cut a bitch" over him, ride or die, and even layed down and had his kids. (Woooooaaahhh, deep I know! LOL) But the point is, I love that man. I love that man even when everyone wanted him for all that he could offer them. You see he was a start athlete, a man of many jokes, dressed fly as hell and all the girls wanted him. BUT he wanted me! We had this attraction towards one another that no one could break apart. I was taken back how much this man loved me in high school but I loved every minute of it. After high school, I ventured out to college. At my university, it was a "handful" of African Americans because I went to a majority white school. But that didn't stop me from taking trips home to explore the company of other men. Can you believe at one point in time I was boy crazy??? Funny huh?((DISCLAIMER: I WAS FAR FROM A HO!!!)) But that's what most young, attractive girls do when they go off to college. I've met so many different types of men and from each of them they were a lesson learned but I always seemed to run back to Mark.

We always met back on common ground, LOVE. We knew we loved each other but sometimes because of our age and maturity we couldn't really get too serious to express our real feelings. He was getting pretty serious about me my last semester at college. So serious to the point that this man proposed to me. That was a huge shock for me because for one it was in front of my mother and for two he was actually very serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. That to me is a serious commitment and I adored him but I was too young (21) to really take this man serious and I wasn't ready to officially become Mrs. (fill in the blank). Hell at the ripe age of 21, I was just understanding me and learning to really love me and other people but I knew I loved him. We soon broke apart to eventually come back together 2 years later. Again at that time I wasn't really ready to accept his "seriousness" about me because I had too much on my plate. I was really stressing! I had my own apartment, bills out the waaaaa zoo, student loans and working three jobs! How can I really take this man into my life if I'm dealing with a million and one things at that time. Need less to say, we broke apart. But this time it was all my fault. I pushed away a man whom I took for granted. I believed that he was coming back and I had no worries, I'll see him next year. Well hell, little did I know this man wasn't coming back.



The following year, I was hurt! I literally dropped to my knees and prayed to God. I prayed that this man will be allowed to be back into my life because I know out of all the men I've ever been with, loved or wrote about, he actually loved ME. It was some sad, sad days to come after those many prayers. I really did believe that that was my husband, the man of my dreams, my knight in shinning armor. Little did I know. It actually took me three years to find out the truth. Thankfully for the Internet, I found my high school sweetheart. I was ecstatic to see his face again. I nearly cried because I prayed for him for three years and there he was. So looooooong story short, we started talking again. We agreed to take things slow and allow us to get to know the adults that we have become. That was excellent until the "Mr.Hyde " side of him came out. This man was acting really weird to the point I was questioning my prayer for him. He actually became this man whom I've never know before. Mark became this man that loved differently. He wasn't affectionate, delicate, loving or concerned. He actually became a loner, mean, nonchalant, a PLAIN ASSHOLE! He took my love, admiration and compassion as me being pressed for him, smothering him or rushing him into some feelings.



I was a little lost and confused? What happened to this man in between the years that we've been apart? Was it the ex's in between? Was it the last impression he had of me in my youthful days? Or was he really running from commitment? I was crushed; nearly devastated when he told me that I was nagging him!!! WTF how the hell am I doing that if I'm deeply, truly concerned for your loner ass? Now let me get this straight.....I'm not one of those women who'll blow your phone up, leaving messages or pressed to come over your house. I'm a very simple person. I keep to myself until I want to let anyone into my space. If I'm feeling any gentleman I want to enjoy his time, masculinity, and his thoughts. I actually enjoy the everything about that person but I'm far from being pressed for any man so when he said that I immediately fell down into this dark place. I was back at square one of loosing someone whom I thought I loved. Little did I know that the man that I once loved isn't that person anymore. He's not that man that once loved me more than I loved myself. He's some alien, a stranger, a ghost, a pure memory.........



It hurts deeply because I thought I found that knight that came to save me again. That man whom I was ready to change my last name for eventually. The love of my life. ALL WRONG! I prayed and prayed only to be let down but in reality I wasn't. It took me the following week to realize that God brought this man back in my life so I can stop praying for something that doesn't exist anymore. He was once a lover, a dream that shouldn't be renewed. At this point in time I felt like a big dummy that didn't take their own advice, "never go backwards, always press forward."

But don't take my meekness for weakness!

Bitter Bitch

You wonder why do I act like this? Well I have to politely remind you that I'm a result of what I've been dealt. I want to change, I really do but no matter how nice, open, sweet, and content I try to be another motherfucker like you come fuck me over. You see I've been cussed at, cursed, screamed, pushed, abused and even misused. But I clearly try to have that continuous smile even though I know I'm dying inside. You sensitive ass niggas make me sick to see how openly hurt you are. Yes your heart was broke by some chick you thought you loved. But look at us women who give love another try over and over again. We carry the worlds on our backs with an unborn child in our womb, the sun in our face, people spitting at our presents and you claim you had a bad day. We have had our children ripped from our walls because some brother didn't want another baby mother, we have bathed you, dressed you, feed you, helped you, washed your dirty ass clothes for you. Shit nigga I have even cleaned your shitty ass for you when you were too sick to do so. We had fell down to the floor in prayer for you. Asking God for one more chance with you. We have put ourselves to the side in order not to hurt or jeopardize your pride. You have asked up repeated would we lie or rather die and look at how many times we looked you in the eye and say I rather die! We have our lives sucked out of us every time one of our kids cry for another taste of our nipple. But again we politely reply. How dare you come out of your mouth and say I was a waste of your damn time when you had a audacity to have a bullshit ass alibi! I am your mother, your sister, your lover and your friend til the end. So you better think twice before you step to this bitter bitch again.

Written 11/28/2007

Time and Distance

(Chester)

As the wind blows slowly but softly through the leaves,

it took me back to that time when our relationship

where you would run your fingers through my hair.

I really love you threw and threw.

Your smile made me happy,

your silly jokes made me laugh.

I miss you dearly.

I now only get to visit you in my dreams.

I replay our old memories in my mind over and over again.

I thought and dreamed about you so much that I now

fantasize about what we could have been.

You haunt my every dream.

I can't help but to thank God for allowing me to be blessed to

love a wonderful man.

I guess you can say I love you now more that I have

ever loved you before.

I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt emotions you felt as I was

trying to figure myself out.

If God willing, I will love you more.

I will watch you while you sleep to make sure you don't miss

a beat.

I will be the shoulder that you can

cry on.

I will be that woman you wanted me to be.

But for now I'm just a stranger to your future.

I tear up at the thought of how stupid I was to leave you.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

I just hope and pray that you're happy.

I will always love you until the end of time.

Written 8/20/2007

Happy Father's Day

How can I congratulate a dad that I never knew? Seems every time I turn around he acts so brand new. How can I love someone that always shows the most disrespect? Or he can't even show how much he loved you by a simple peck. How can one be called a role model when I don't look up to him like an idol? I didn't really have any fatherly guidance. All because of the constant violence. I went out and got the love from others. Oh how I feel so sad for my brothers. I hope and pray that they don't grow and be just like you. By the way their kids won't grow up and say have a FUCKED UP FATHER'S DAY!

The Ugly Duckling

I've always thought I was different from most girls. I've never fit in the crowds. I've never wanted the same things. I've always strived for the better things in life. I wanted to live loud, free and worry less. But I was always pushed to the background in my younger days stepped over or looked down upon.

Some may know me personally and others my not but one thing for sure is I have insecurities just like any other woman. But mines go deeper than most. My parents always told me how beautiful I was, how smart I was or how proud they were of me but I lacked those compliments from others. Girls gain their confidence and attitude based on what their peers feed them. I was always the smart, nerdy girl whom was quiet but I was always overweight. Due to all those attributes I gained low self esteem and no attention growing up. Now I did have some pretty cool friends but in a way I was kind of jealous of them. I wanted the cute boyfriends, the nicest clothes, the weekend trips to different places, the funny extended family. I thought I was missing something growing up. I didn't realize how much my parents sacrificed, gave into, or provided so I could be the woman I am today.

Growing up my self esteem was low. I thought I was ugly, a weird child, a nerd.....a soul lost. I wasn't light skin with pretty eyes, my hair wasnt flowing down my back, I didn't develop my body shape as quickly, I wore baggy clothes, I still did things I thought was "normal" for my age group. I was always competing with myself to be better than the next girl. And none of the video vixens they had in the videos didn't help my esteem any better. I wanted for once to be that "girl" that everyone wanted, talked about or hung around. I felt as though I was that "ugly duckling" that was in that story. I was black, ugly and looked down upon by those didnt know or understand me. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted those thoughts to go away. I never did anything to hurt myself but I did find myself seeking within. I only talked when I felt as though it was safe because I didn't want the attention. I only wanted to do things that I felt was cool to do because I didn't want to feel like I was "behind" the times by those that didn't understand me. I looked at myself in the mirror plenty of nights and cried. I wanted to be different. I wanted to change what I looked like. I wanted to be another Jamale. I really wanted to be lighter like my mother but with lighter colored eyes. What's so funny is at one point in time, I wanted to wear only light colored contact contacts. I envied my cousins on my materal side of the family for having that long brown hair flowing against their yellow complexed skin. But little did I know, one of my cousins felt like the black sheep in the family because she was too light. I never thought of that dilemia until one day she expressed that concern to me. Self hate was a disease that needed to be cured but I had no solution.........

After long nights of crying myself to sleep because of self haterated, I realized years later how much the world was actually tearing me down. I was allowing the boy's fantasies, wants and desires to control my thoughts. I was allowing the "in crowd" girls hold that glory of the lime light. I was allowing magazines, videos and ad's tell me how I "should" look, what size I should be and what I was missing. I was killing my soul, my spirit, myself......Once I started seeing myself as a being that God has made, I opened myself. I allowed myself to love me. I dont remember when the change happened exactly but once it started I was so relieved. My smile changed (braces), my attitude changed ( hung around positive people), my clothing changed (brought my own clothes) my lifestyle changed(socially active) and my mind changed (praying and listening to God more). I slowly increased my self esteem and accepting me for me. I was slowly falling in love with myself because I saw not that ugly duckling that turned into a swan, I saw potential. A potential friend, lover, spouse, mother, LEADER! Wow a leader, I thought. I didn't realize that I was an acutually leader. People flocked towards me. They loved me. They adored me. They simply accepted me. Not everyone did throughout my years but hell thats life. But what's most important, I dont cry no more because of my self image. I cry because I'm happy. I'm so overwhelmed with joy and priceless pride. I still do have my "insecurities" that deprive me of some happiness every now and then that I'm still battling. I'm now leaving those things to God. I can't change everything about myself but I can work on me to better me. No one will ever love me harder more than God and myself.

I am flawed tremedously but thats what makes me me. Thats what makes me who I achieve NOT to be everyday. That what makes people love or hate me. Thats what people accept, my flaws. I am a person who deserves to be loved, adored and cared for. I deserve the finner things in life just as equally or much as the next light skin/red bone African American woman. God made me and I can't change myself. No matter how much plastic surgery, make up, products I could use I'll still have the same worries, feelings and fears. Thats why I've finally came to the terms of accepting ME, the Swan.