I am NOT a B*itch with a D*ck!

When I was younger, I was considered that shy fat girl that never spoke up for herself. The one who always allowed people to use me, say whatever they want to me and make jokes about me. To be truthful, I was too afraid to stand up for myself because I didn't know how to attack back and win. I remember going home and crying to my parents about how the kids in the neighborhood use to run me home from the playground. Things turned around for me in high school. I took and used my intelligence as my just one of my many leadership characteristics. I told myself that I will no longer allow people to run over me. I've gained great friends who loved and adored me. But most importantly, I started standing up for myself. And on top of all that, I did start talking to boys a little bit more heavy so that will always boost anyone's self esteem.

My father and brothers eventually started "training" me to stand up for myself and not allow people to get away with what they do to me. They always told me that you have to call people out on their sh*t. When you see or experience something that's not right you have every right to stand up for yourself. Really just forget  how people feel in the process because they didn't take your feelings into consideration when they disrespected you. I can truly say in high school is where I gained my confidence. I got a little bit more bold and loud. I laughed more and apologized less. I then to start to love myself.

As life goes on, so do the experiences and life lessons. But I've experience relationships from men that basically abused me. No not physically, but emotionally. They would play games, lie, cheat and disrespect my time. I would give numerous chances to make things "right" and in the end, I would become a victim of anger. I allowed people to take advantage of my meekness. I love to love. I love the feeling of being in love. I love the never ending smiles, laughter, phone calls/texts and the long nights. But when it's bad, it's bad. The arguments, exchanges of curse words, yelling, hanging up and not talking for days. I literally got tired of that over the years but I mostly got tired of being hurt. I made endless promises to myself that I wouldn't put myself last.

So here I am at the age of 31, a strong, educated and successful black woman. I still love hard and am passionate in who I'm dating and what I'm doing. But I still refuse to take anything that given to me that's half ass. I feel as though life isn't a rehearsal so you shouldn't waste time or regret. But now a days like many blogs that I have posted before, people don't take relationships seriously. People don't date or court anymore. You can now "date" multiple people at a time with no consequence. It's "ok" to have multiple baby daddies/mommies. But it's not ok to say NO to sex, to ask are we in a serious relationship or  where do you see us in the next year???!!!

When I ask the hard questions in a relationship or a "situationship" you'll be surprised how many of these men I date they run away and scatter like roaches. Like no one wants a commitment anymore. So when I react to their actions or some the harsh games and/or mind tricks that they play to continue to date or sleep with me, then I'm a b*tch. I've been accused of "acting like a man" because I peep the game that men play and when I flip it on them, I'm considered too manly and I act like a "b*tch with a d*ck" when I show them how they treat me. Well sir I'll be that. I was raised by mother to always act like a lady. Cross your legs when sitting, make eye contact, don't have your elbows on the table when eating, put your napkin in your lap, don't dabble in men business. But like I stated earlier, I was raised my a father as well. My father always told me to speak up for myself, if a person can't accept you for who and what you are, forget them, love yourself first, don't allow anyone to disrespect  you and be your own leader. My brothers were there to back up the teachings.

I've found there to be some weak men out here. The one's who want you to stay the same and to never evolve. They simply want you for sex and will mislead you, lie to you and manipulate your mind. Hell there's men out here that lie and claim they had sex with you all type of different ways. Over the past 5 years, I've been encountering these type of men. I've dated recently two men who led me on to believe that there will be this future but they wanted to take it "slow" to see where it'll lead us. I've also had a "friend" for over 15 yrs. whom I cried on his shoulder for years about other men, all while he's trying to have sex with me. It wasn't until he got married, going through a divorce, having an unwanted child with his wife that he wanted me so bad that he couldn't stand me. I'm not lying when I tell y'all he got mad at me and stop being friends with me because he got married. He told me just that he couldn't stand that I wasn't his wife. Ummmm ok?  I told him no I don't want to pursue a relationship with you while you're still married. His response was silence and ignoring my texts to insulting me by saying I act like I have a d*ck because I'm harsh when I say to him I don't want to f*ck* you!

Well I will not apologize for being strong. I will not apologize for standing up for myself and my morals. I'm far from a saint because I sin everyday but I will never betray my heart. I will not apologize for pointing out and speaking on those issues that other women are too afraid to because they're too afraid to "loose a good man." I believe I'm completely misunderstood. I can't fall for anything. I have to stand up for what's right and not accept just any type of attention or fake love. Relationships aren't that difficult if both people want it. It's all about comprising and working on things. I'm one of the most vulnerable people there is out here but you would never know it unless you really know me. But if I continue to allow people to use me or take from me, I would never be able to appreciate who God has sent for me.

Love?

What is a person's true definition of love? How do you know when you're in love with someone really? How is love expressed? Is love an emotion, a feel or an expression? How old or mature must you be in order to know what love is?


According to Webster's dictionary, love is "a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal tides; attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration, benevolence or common interests." But to me love starts with self. Self love is the greatest love of all time. How can you know where to start or how to love if you sure as hell can't love yourself. It took me years to discover the under lying love I have for myself. Growing up I have low self esteem. I was always the bigger girl in the class but smart. I had true friends that appreciated me for who I was but I never saw myself as such. Almost everyday when I was younger (even now) my father told me how beautiful I was (am), I would just smile and laugh. How did I know what love was?

My heart was first hurt and crushed at the age of 16 from my high school sweetheart. I loved that man all the way up to the current age of 30. For years we went back and forth and played with the thoughts of a future, children and marriage but it never happened. Last time I saw him, I looked into his eyes and fell right out of love with him. I first knew I was in love with him when I couldn't stand not looking into his eyes. His eyes told a story that had music in my head that I needed to hear. He had the most beautiful eyes a girl could fall in love with. Long eye lashes, light brown and deep. When he cheated on me in high school, I was crushed. I was walking around with a heavy burden on my shoulders and I didn't know how to shake it off. That was something I have never felt before him. It was only him who could change my feelings. That was my first time ever knowing how it feels to be love's fool. Now you may see that as "young love" but how is that so when many people have babies at that age, get married and stay together and make life time commitments. Granted a young girl's body isn't mature but her mind is. Love isn't complicated or complex, the people who say it or believe it makes it so.

Since my high school sweetheart, I've been in true love two other times. Each time I knew it was a deeper love than a like-love relationship. To me love is a combination of actions, emotions and commitment. I don't play around with that word unless I really mean it. When I love, I love hard and long. I'm committed to let that person know each and every day that I love them and I want them to see and feel that. Love is something that is felt and unconditional. I can't put restrictions how I should show that love. Love is affection expressed through actions and words. You can tell a person how much you love them until you show it. Love is having no doubt, fears or expectations. Love is not being able to go one day without talking or seeing that person regardless of how you feel about them or that argument y'all had the other day. Love is standing by that person right or wrong, having dedication and faith that it'll work out no matter what. Most importantly, love is blind. Love is meant to be felt and appreciated not neglected.

It took me years to truly and appreciate love for who and what it is. It's still a very sensitive subject for me because I need the other person to know love to me is like marriage. Once you love someone, those feelings never go away. You can fall out of love with that person but an admiration will always be there. No matter who comes before or after you, love is respect. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic that believes in an unwritten language between two people but I only know how to read, write and speak it. One of these days God will bless me with a man whom reflects me. A true mirror of my reflection. Until then, my love is on reserve, hold, on lock down. Love is meant to be shown, which it will be one day again for me....

Mental Baggage, Physically Overweight

It's pouring outside.  The rain made it's presence known that it was there to stay for the day. I was drenched with my Grandmother as we walked into the doctors office this past Friday. We laughed and joked as we were waiting for her name to be called. I sat uncomfortable next to her because the chairs were small and positioned close to each other. I forgot how the conversation started but she stated "I don't think you want to loose weight."

Now for years my Grandmother made comments about my weight and I didn't really pay her any attention.  I brushed her off and told her to "chill." When I was in college I figured I was the same size as I was when I left for school.  But she saw something different.  When I went over her house to wash clothes some weekends she would say, "baby your face is getting really round along with your belly." I would mostly look at her with an evil grin, roll my eyes and walk away. I just figured older people say whatever they want out their mouths with no thought attached to it.

But now I see my Grandmother was right...

In 2005, I went through a life changing experience.  Little did I know that was the beginning of my troubles. I had a lot more downs than ups. I lost myself in the meanwhile.  I did attempt to get myself back on track since then. I join a local gym not once, not twice but three different ones. The first time around I lost 40 lbs. initially and then 35 lbs the second time.  But I gained the weight back, plus some after each time. The third gym, where im at now, i attend there occasionally. From 2006-2009, I was going through an emotional rollercoaster.....I'm surprised I didn't loose my damn mind.

I'll spare both you and me the details since I don't want to go back down memory lane. But just know with each situation,  I was gaining a pound. Along with sadness, like any girl when she gets into a comfortable relationship she looses herself since most of her attention is on her new man, money and having fun. Plus I had a man each time who appreciate my curves, rolls and mind. They didn't care about my weight and neither did I.

In between of unemployment spells, I ate out of boredom and stress.  I didn't care how I felt, what I ate and how much money I spent. I was too busy worrying about being able to pay my bills. Thankfully God has blessed me with two different jobs in between those times but each job was stressful.  And with stress, it triggered my eating and emotions.  Again I wasn't paying attention.  I wanted a break, a new scene and a career.  So I applied to nursing school finally and I got accepted last summer! Exciting and motivating. Exciting but yet again stressful as well. I don't know how much I gained but I wasn't happy with my extra weight I'm carrying around.

Last year my mom signed me up with her to weight watchers.  I was excited about this change in my life. Attending school and possibly loosing weight. I did initially loose 15 lbs with eating right and slight exercise.  That all changed with the daily stress.  Stressing over studying, passing my classes, doing assignments on time, my Grandmother's cancer diagnosis,  my finances, my family and my dying relationship.  It was a good program but I later realized that I won't be able to work the plan properly. 

It's hard to do things right and eat clean when you're living in a household who doesn't eat like a health nut. Instead they eat everything fried, smoothered and sweet. That's a hard combination in trying to loose weight. Now you may think well buy your own food. Easier said than done since I'm in school full time and financially i rely on my parents for some things. It's a sacrifice for both of us but I appreciate them beyond feelings and words. They want to become a great nurse one day soon,  so somethings they pitch in.

As I looked at my Grandmother again as I always do at that doctors office and gave her that same look about my weight and explained to her it's easier said than done just like her smoking habit after her brush with cancer. But when I went home and thought about it she was right.  Earlier that week, I went to my weight watchers meeting and I gained back my 15 lbs lbs i lost and I was slowly creeping back up to my weight i was before I joined this weight loss program.  I damn near cried.

Something has to change!.....

Recently I've been having some conversations with my best friend about her weight loss and therapy sessions with a life coach. Both her and I realized that our weight gain was from our emotional baggage over the years. With each stressful situation, I ate.  I cried, I ate. I was eating my life away. I was killing myself. I feel different.  My weight is becoming a nuisance. I don't enjoy my shopping trips anymore, subconsciously I hate taking pictures now and I can see my weight.  I now see what my Grandmother saw many years ago.

I decided this week I'm cancelling my gym membership and Weight Watchers membership, cut out the eating out, sweets and stop feeling sorry for myself.  I'm carrying around all these unhealthy emotions and insecurities. I need to look at what I'm doing and eating, write down my thoughts, pray and say NO to all the wrong things and people. I have to work on my self internally before externally.  So I guess I wasn't ready to loose weight until I saw me naked. This is just the beginning of my life long journey of loosing weight. 

WHY AM I SINGLE...YOU ASK???: 10 Reasons WHY!

Before I start this blog post and someone ask me a this silly question, "Are you single?" The answer to that question is YES! I'm single by choice, now that's a HUGE difference. I can get into any relationship that so happens to come my way but I choose who I want to be with. If that person isn't meant to be with me, then for the sake of having someone isn't for me. I have too much pride for myself and my patience is too thin!! I'm not pressed to be someones "girl", I want to be someones wife!

Now a days a lot of people wonder why they're single though. Lets face this fact, the cards (statistics) isn't in our favor. With majority of the population in jail, don't want to commit, alternative lifestyles, mentally unstable and some say they gay/lesbian population went up (I'm not sure about that, so don't get on me), that leaves a lot of single and desperate people out here that has given up hope or just became comfortable being a "baby mama/daddy." Listed is just somethings that might hurt your hopes of finding a mate that will commit.....

1.} FUNKY APPEARANCE

       Appearance is the first thing and imprint that you leave with the person who sees you. How can you expect anyone to be attracted to you if you're clothes are falling off your body or better yet, they're too small for your frame? Baggy or skinny jeans aren't sexy either. I and many others don't want to see what color boxers you have on today or we don't want to wonder if your balls can breath while you walk. Give yourself some slack but not enough that'll hang you before you could even open your mouth to say hello.

2.} YOUR BREATH IS DEATH!
      Hygiene is a must in every relationship!!! Please whatever you do, make sure you take care of your mouth! You can have the most horrible teeth in the world but no one can say your breath is stinky if you make sure you brush your teeth, floss those gums and use mouth wash to back it all up.  If you don't have a tooth brush/paste available while you're out, mints and gum will be a great substitute until you can handle that. Don't have people believing you're a dream come true and your breath kills the dream!

3.} PRIORITIES
      What is one of the first things someone ask you when you go out on a date? "Tell me about yourself" is usually the question that first comes up. If you have a blank stare, avoid the question and/or don't know what you do or want to do with your life, you're going no where fast! It's the year of 2012 and everyone has a grind. What is yours? What do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? Do you have any goals that you want to accomplish besides becoming the next rapper, singer, producer or actor? What is your daily hustle? Stability is a must!!

4.} HOW ARE YOUR KIDS?
      Kids are a true blessing from God but if you treat them like a burden that pulls money out of your pocket, 9 times out of 10 that's a turn off! If you can't take care of your kids that you do currently have, how can you provide for your future seeds? Stop having 10 kids, 9 baby mothers or being baby mama #3 you wouldn't have no problems in the dating world. Whatever your previous issues with love and insecurities is the past, what are you trying to do to better your future??


5.} WANNA GO DUTCH?
      How can you say you want to go out and date, meet new people or have a good time if you're looking at the menu like you're ready to run as soon as the waiter ask if you're ready to order. A lot of times, people are stuck on trying to make a great first impression that they forget the truth. If you're broke and you can't afford anyone, then tell them that or wait until you have the funds to do so. If they like you then they'll stay and work with you. Not every date requires money also. But don't get there and expect the person to pay for their side of the bill unless yall made that agreement ahead of time.

6.} SORRY, I'M GOING TO GO KICK IT WITH CRAIG AND 'EM, SEE YA WHEN I SEE YA!
      If you're doing "you", enjoying life, not ready to settle down or no one peaks your interest, then stay single! Live a single life!! If you come across someone like that, then don't touch them with a 10 foot pole! If you don't want a friends with benefits plan, keep it moving. You might be blocking your blessing to see who you're meant to be with.

7.} ASS, ASS, ASS!
     Sex is complicated, not the people. Sex changes the whole dynamics of a relationship. If you're selling sex in your clothes, your conversation or pictures, that's how people is going to treat you. You will keep attracting the wrong people. But put yourself in a place where you'll meet people of your caliber and interests. Take a walk at the park, go to cultured events, go to church, speed date, something! But stop going to the clubs and bars thinking you're going to be meet Mr./Mrs. Right.

8.} GOT A CLEAN HOUSE?
      Believe it or not but how you keep your house and car is how your personality is. What is around you is a reflectance of what type of person you are. Profilers can tell  your whole life based on how you clean, how you fold your clothes, if you up keep your car with the latest oil change, if you keep your car clean and smelling good. No one want to go to your house after a romantic evening and see clothes everywhere, rings around the toilet and the bath tub, and bugs running around! That turns the anyone off quick!

9.} LIES! LIARS! FAIRY TALES!
      Why lie about simple stuff? Unless you've been trained by the government to be an international spy or assassin, your lies will catch up with you! You'll make yourself look like the biggest fool and you'll keep finding yourself in the single category.

10.} THE LIST OF STANDARDS
        EPIC FAIL! Everyone has a fairy tale list of what they think their mate should have and look like but if that list is constantly being used during the dates and none of the qualities aren't being checked off, maybe you're being too stuck up. I'm not saying that you can't have standards because I do myself  but don't block a possible relationship just because he's a divorced janitor with one child when you want a NFL player with no kids and a $35 million contract. HAVE MANY SEATS! You will be tested daily to see if you choose wisely. Not every big booty girl is going to be faithful. Yes she's a stripper at the club to pay for college but some do have sex for dollars. We're not made to be perfect so why are you looking for the perfect person? Be fair and reasonable.

GOOD WILL HUNTING!

Hello God, can you hear me??

"Prayer is easy, keeping the faith is hard."

I'm staring at the black keys on my laptop, a million and one thoughts running through my head but I'm overwhelmed with so much hope. Hope doesn't come easy now a days since it's been slowly rationed out.  Don't get me wrong, there is a different between hope and faith. According to the Dictionary, hope is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.", while faith is defined as "confidence or trust in a person or thing."  You see the difference? Hope is a feeling or desire while faith is confidence!

It took me about two years to get confident in God. I've always believed in Him but I never really relied on Him until my world was turned upside down. I've lost jobs, friends, opportunities and self confidence.  I was speaking death into my life; telling myself I couldn't do a lot of things. My mom would always tell me that I was doing wrong and I needed to keep my faith but my harsh realities always reminded me how "bad" my situations were. It's funny how God take everything from you to give you what you deserve.

God is someone who doesn't give blessings out for free. You have to deserve your blessings by learning from your previous lessons and experiences. Every time, I wanted to move, spend some crazy amount of money, take a trip out of town/country, go back to school and/or get lavish gifts, God would deny me. I mean seriously leave me for broke, max out my credit cards, have people cancel plans and take away a job.  I was devastated. I thought if God truly loved me, why would he deny me all the things that I wanted?? That's the thing it was a "want". God only gives you what you need and deserve.










The hardest thing was to see my friends and family constantly get blessings like jobs, cars, houses, marriages, children, scholorships, tution reimburstment, money and the list goes on. And what tripped me out the most was when they complained about things not going the way they wanted it to be while I hoped to one day have what they had.  But God favors the faithful!

Faith wasn't easy to come by. I had to not only encourage myself but others around me.  The most time consuming thing is to listen on the phone or in person to someone crying, cursing and angry for any reason.  I want to be there for people, God has given me that gift but sometimes I wanted to smack sense in my family and friends.  The problem with a lot of us, is that we consider ourselves believers but we have lost the hope.  Forget the faith, thats no existent.  How do I know, I was once them. 

It was a time, when I just wanted to give up and give in to everything. I could have been homeless and had no care in the world and I would have been happy.  But I was pushed....pushed into my destiny.  I took a class at church that focused on spending time with God every day, learning scriptures, have group conversations with a bunch of women and letting them know all my buisness.  That for me was a huge challenge!  I stopped trusting women years ago after a close friend stopped being my friend.  It might sound elementary but it's just like your first heartbreak from your first love.  You never forget that pain.  I'll never forget both! God pushed me to speak to these women, "let my hair down" and release my guard.  They were there to listen, not to judge.  I'm so proud to say they are now my covenant sisters.That class taught me that God need to be in the center of my life inorder to get the blessings that I needed.  With alot of prayer, denials, crying night (even days) and true friends, I was able to get over the worst. 

My life isn't a crystal staircase now, it's even harder as my faith have gotten stronger.  But I'm writing this because at one point in time I questioned God's motives.  I seriously thought that I was being punished for all the wild, freaky things I did in the past.  But He was actually teaching me that I have to be stronger by denying my wants. Like the famous quote states, "you never know how strong you are until you have nothing but God." I'm still weak. I still occasionally curse, have a sip of wine, hang out with bad inflences, doubt myself and I don't pray EVERY day but I am happy.  I know I'll always be a sinner but I finally have faith. I'm stronger because I believe God has finally heard me! 

Trying to Raise A "Man"

I've tried to raise a man overnight. You see I saw something in this "man" that I thought no one else saw. What I was neglected to be informed about is that in fact this "man" was broken...broken beyond repair.

  Here he is a lost child, prematurely aborted from the womb. Never really having a nipple to suck, for someone to stroke his kind face at night while singing lully bys within his ear.  This young boy was forced to become a young man. Out there hustling on the streets, reaching out to shake the next man hand. Forced to learn to protect ya neck and never let another man catch you slippin. He was never really taught that not every young girl is clean and she will live off your dollar and dream. Spreading your seeds within a garden, producing not one but two. Forcing a young boy to become a man.

   You see you don't really understand. This "man" said I love you like it was the lyrics to a new rap song. Being played within my mind over and over again only to become a curse. A disease that I ran from. A haunting spirit that won't leave me alone. Your words run through my mind only to bring up a constant hurt and physical pain. I gave and I gave only to be left with a fucked up heart and nothing to gain. He thought he could silence me with those soft gentle lips and deep stroke guided with hips. But that never stops the voices that has a constant chit chatter of memories as you told me that you fucked your baby mama....Damn...

    I thought we were better than that. I thought that you were my Dick and I was your Jane. I thought you were ready to have a real woman in your life. Someone who held your back while you cried wolf. Someone who loved you unconditionally even when you really didn't love yourself. Someone who wanted to give you the world because you wanted to give her the moon too. I was ready to give it to you all but apparently I meant nothing to you.

     You were forced to become a "man" because everyone laughed at you. You were looked at as soft. Not realizing that not all good guys finish last. When will you wake up and see how much you mean to me? You're too busy in the streets tying to live off that next dollar and dream. Wanting to be a star player in the NFL, having all the fly clothes, cars and hoes. You wanted to live the ballers life! Not really understanding that it takes time to get all these things you want overnight. You see you have to vision my love. You have to work hard and stop being a perve.

      Your dick won't get you far. It's only so much you can get until you have everyone else around you that's a "get wit." Lusting over dreams, preparing your lips for the next jay full of weed while tapping your feet on the carpet floor. Throw back your hair as you take the first puff. As you pop that E pill. As you sip on that clear burning substance. You drift away....Away into a land that you can't be reached. A land full of loud music, constant tears and full of pain. I can't help you because you can't hear me.

      I tried to fix a man that will always be broken. His wounds was too deep to be healed. His eyes were always filled with tears. His heart always consumed with pride. His stomach is always empty right along with his pockets. His dick was always ready to explode. He's a young man slowly turning old.

        I tried to raise a boy to a man only to realize that a man won't change until change find him. When his nights become cold, his practices become habits, his white lies become truth. When his daughters become women. When he realize his shit was never really together. When he realize he could have had a better life if I kept him. When he's ready to become a man.....

I lost my mind just a week ago

I was on my way to a birthday party out in Baltimore, MD when I saw the sign for I95N to New York. The exit ramp was coming up when I realized that I was in the wrong lane. But what if I took that exit? Seriously what if???

See what you fail to understand I have the world damn near on my back. My neck and upper back is so tensed that I doubt a massage will do any justice. My lower back is in pain. I'm suffering from headaches more often. My attitude is now not accepting any tolerance. You see I'm beyond fed up with the bull. I'm not the next mad black woman. I'm bitter as hell!!

My sister in law and myself was having a crying session just a few hours before I went to the birthday party. I was pouring my heart out to her about all my pain. About how my heart hurt so much from loving people so hard. Basically she was my doctor at my time of need and told me that I care for people too much. I expect for people to care for me just as much as I do. All while in the mean time I have lost myself in the process. Her words was breathtaking but so true!!! It was a great example of a "a hah" moment. That's it. Now I know why I'm mad as hell at the world.

I get so mad at myself for falling in love over and over again, helping other people out, listening to other people's problems, giving people money, encouraging motivating and pushing people. I tell myself all the time that God has put all of this in my heart and I can't help the way I feel. Yes that's true but God didn't make no dummy. He tells us to love one another just like He loved us, forgive but never forget and always be ready for reconciliation.  But don't loose yourself all in the end.

You see during this time of always being available for everyone else, I lost what I actually wanted to do. I didn't put myself first and tell people how I really felt with no apologies behind it. I thought before I talked and I always took everyone else into consideration. So my solution to this major problem is to put on my I don't care hat. I have to let all the BS go in my life and sincerely focus on what I want.

I lost my mind just a week ago because I lost myself. With time, patience, prayer and a plan I'll get to where I need to be. With my faith holding me up by my boot straps, things will change inner then outer. So next time I see that sign I'll be going to New York because I want to visit not to run away from the pain.

Let me tell you about these b!tches....

Yes ladies and gentleman that was the opening line of a conversation that I was about to have with my coworker. I gave the biggest *blank stare* that I could ever give him. I couldn't believe he thought that was OK to sat to me knowning that I'm a woman. Better yet, why did he think we were that close yet for him to start this conversation off like that.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm probably one of the coolest female friend you'll ever meet but you can not expect me to stand for that. I had to stop him in mid sentence and tell him while in my presence you can not call any woman a disrespectful name and think its OK with me. He proceeded to tell me that I don't know any of them so it shouldn't really affect me. "Ummm yes it does" was my reply. How do this man expect for me to allow him so freely call any woman a bitch blows my mind.

Needless to say he didn't want to share any of the story with me after I had to "correct" him from his true ignorance.  I couldn't believe he got so mad at me that he had to get up and pretend that he's going to take a bathroom break. But then I look up he goes out to talk to the other gentlemen out in the lobby at the situation. LOL. All I could do was shake my head and say a small prayer for him.

Ignorance is bliss.....

First Date Top 10 Tips!!!!

A first date is always a nerve racking situation but if you stay calm, look your best and act normal all should go well. But since many people rarely go on dates now a days, a lot of people don't know how to act. Over the years, I have learned the do's and don'ts to dating through my own or other people's experiences.
Here's my top ten first date tips......

Tip #1
Be prepared for your time:
A lot people don't understand that it's some prep work before a first date. So you have to allow yourself enough time to get home to change/bathe/apply make up/etc, get to the location and get there on time...

Tip #2
Get to your date early:
You want to get there early because maybe it's a spot you've never been before so you need to check out the surroundings. Maybe they don't have valet, you need to take the train to the location, find parking, traffic, etc. You don't want to have your date waiting. Nor do you want to be so frustrated by all the unplanned events before your date.

Tip #3
Greet your date properly:
Depending on you all status or what you'll allow, greet your date accordingly. Since it's the first date in this situation, you may want to give a person a handshake or hug. Something like a kiss off the break sends signals that you want something else. So be careful how you greet that person.

Tip #4
Depending on your status is how you interact with you date:
Don't allow a person to reach over and try to grab your privates while you all are out or even in the car. A woman should act like a lady and a man should act like a perfect gentleman. There shouldn't be any unnecessary touching in any form. If the guy want to touch your knee during the movie or you want to interlock arms also, depending how you feel, it's all up to you. Remember a man will treat you the way you allow him to.

Tip #5
Stop flirting so much!!!:
It's cute to let a person know that you really digging them and want to show them in all ways possible that you're physically attracted to them but when all clothes are on, you really need to get to know this person. Get to the bottom of things. Ask questions pertaining to their goals, family, friends, experiences, children, career,etc. Get to know the person, not what they can do for you.

Tip #6
Allow a man to be a man!:
This is hard for a lot "independent" women now a days but let the man to lead the date. I'm not saying allow him to lead you right to his house, NO! I'm saying stop telling the man what you want and what you all are going to do. You make that man feel like he's out with a controlling woman and loose interest. Allow him to ask you what you want to do next and where do you feel comfortable going. But stop being so "independent", that's why your butt is single! LOL

Tip #7
Do NOT GET DRUNK ON YOUR FIRST DATE!!:
This is so sad that I have to insert this tip but boy oh boy I tell ya, a lot of people get out here and show their ass because they don't know how to act. The feel as though the alcoholic beverage is going to "calm their nerves" but really it shows your ass! You need a sober and clear mind to make the right decisions, to enjoy the date and for the date to really enjoy you. No person want the first impression to be that they either can handle their drink or they're an alcoholic.

Tip #8
Body Language is everything during a date!!:
A person can tell if you're really diggin them or you're clearly not interested based on your body language. Your body shows a person how much you're enjoying the conversation by the raise of the eyebrows, the lean in of the body, the gentle touch on the hand, the look up from a drink, a smile, laughterand a gentle tap. All those there tell a person that they can pursue you further or simply end the date early. Remember not all people like to be touched though.

Tip #9
Fellas, for the first date pay for the meal:
It's very traditional for a man to pay for a meal. Women was raised to let a man spoil you and show you much they appreciate you and this goes hand and hand with a first date. Not saying that you have to go all out and splurge on this woman but show her that you're not cheap and you have no problem paying for activities of the first date.

Tip #10
End the date properly:
This is the nervous part of the date....to kiss or not to kiss?? This is simply all up to you! I can not answer this question for you. Again this depends on your status, your body language, and how you want to end the date. So choose wisely, don't end up in no one's bed...you may not get to see what the future holds.

SO GET OUT AND DATE!!!

Thoughts to Paper: Journalling

I've started journalling at the tender age of eleven. Like most children that start at the age, you mostly write about whats going on in your life irrevelant. Myself, I wrote about who's house I went over, what we did, what I did for the weekend with my parents and the little snotty boys that I liked. To this date, I have three journals that I have filled in with my random thoughs and experiences. Now those three are in the attic collecting dust. But from time to time I do go back and read what I wrote. It's always an excellent thing to go back and remind yourself how far you have come. What lessons you have learned and what you gained from it all. I usually do this a year after the last journal entry in the previous journal. It's simply a time to reflect and encourage myself.

When I tell people that I journal, they always ask me what do I write about? Its kind of hard to explain but I most likely give them examples. I see journalling as another outlet for me to get to my thoughts out. It's my friend without judgement. They only person who will ever judge me is me. A lot of times I listen to people's problems day in and day out and give advice when asked but then when it's time for me to let go of how I'm really feeling, no one seems to be around or really paying attention to a word I am saying. Therefore, I let my ink bleed on the papers, sometimes along with tears. Yes, tears. I can't count how many times I had to stop and allow myself to get myself together because I have had so much built up anger and/or hurt suppressed inside of me. I hurt just like any other human being or animal but somehow some people don't see it.

As years progessed on, my writing has become extensive. My poetry is an exentsion of my thoughts but more on an intimate level. Those are differnt types of words that flow through me. Poetry is my inner most vulnerable spot within my soul. Something that many people wont understand (unless you're a poet also). But now my journalling has expaded to other books. I have a personal one where I write down my weekly experiences, lessons, thoughts, goals and feelings. My prayer journal is where I talk to God on a more intimate level. I usually write my prayers down and then speak outloud back to God. I pray about anything that my heart desires, regardless if it's prayers for other people, money, goals, accomplishments/praises, hurt, pain, etc. I let God know how Jamale is really feeling. I don't hold back at all to God. He is the only one who knows me the best, so why fake it?

Lastly, I have an exercise/diet journal. Now this is new, since I just brought it this past week but I have journalled about this in the past, I just did it in another form but it's all the same. This journal has the date, current weight, meals, feelings and thoughts. I use to write all this stuff down in my personal journal but I'm glad to see that they finally have it where I can keep up with it separately. Thank you God! This journal is going to help me A LOT with my weight problems. Unlike, some people, I can admit when I'm wrong. And right now, my weight is all wrong. This is an area in my life that I don't like and that I need to work. Therefore, I believe this journal will open up myself in a different way and reveal to me my problems with loosing weight.

I express all this to say, don't be afarid to write. I use to be afriaid to really put down on those pages what was really going on with me in fear of someone judging me later. But I later discovered that the only person who was getting hurt was me. I don't care what people think nor do I care how they may view me once I depart from this earth. I just pray that people will understand that I made my share of mistakes and I have learned from them. So if my children read from them, they too will learn what not to do. Or even if my journals fall in the hands of a stranger, I pray that they live their life to the fullest as I'm trying to live mines. So if you're reading this and don't have a journal, go out and try it. Allow yourself to be comfortable enough to fully let go of what's bothering you. I pray that you see what's really eating you up inside. Peace and blessings...

It's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate

We all have had a friend whom we adored from afar but not many people cross that line of friendship to a relationship. Sometimes you meet people who you initially wanted to move into a relationship but ended up as just a friend.  But then sometimes you can eventually love a person for who they are so much that you actually fall in love with them. What a lot of people fail to realize is that a friendship to a relationship is a thin line between love and hate. I can speak about this because I have been in that situation.

My twelfth grade year I fell in "like" with my childhood friend. We have been friends since the seventh grade and I confided in my good friend that I was really falling for our mutual friend. Mike was the type of person that was loud, funny, basically the class clown. He was someone that you either loved or hate. But weirdly I feel in love with his funny ways. So when I told my friend that I was really feeling him, she took it upon herself to make it her mission to tell our friend that I had a huge crush on him. Our relationship started off something like this..."Jamale you like Mike right? (Yes) OK Mike you like Jamale right? (Yes) OK great, yall go ahead and call each other later and talk things out." Mike and I both looked at each other, smiled, hugged and agreed to speak later on the phone.

Our relationship started off a little weird. Here it is, one of my best male friends is now my BOYFRIEND! Wow that was a bit much for a young girl to handle. But needless to say, I handled myself quite well. Anyway, as time went on, Mike and I were inseparable. We did everything together and all our friends thought we were a great match. My friend who "hooked" us up took her bragging rights to the hallways every time she saw us together since all our lockers were in the same row. But our relationship came to an abrupt end when Mike broke up with me on my apartment steps, one month before my departure to college. I lost my breath as this man gave me some BS reason why he didn't want to continue our relationship.  I lost myself in his words, zone out and told myself to hold my tears until I got into the house. I immediately got up from the steps and headed the house after he finished his well prepared speech and slammed the door. I called my friend and broke down crying. I hated him for how he made me feel.

After that relationship I vowed that I will NEVER date one of my close guy friends again. Little did I know that the roles will be switched some years later. While in high school, I met this guy my tenth grade year that really liked me but he was later the person who feel in deeply in love with me. What stopped us from being more than friends in high school was my then boyfriend. I was dating my then boyfriend for a year and was very faithful to him. So I wasn't going to go outside our relationship and cheat on him. So my friend stayed by my side for years, waiting on the side lines, waiting for his chance to get into the game. But I allowed so many other players to enter the game while he rode the bench. Now this isn't done on purpose, I just fell in love with my friend as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. It hurt me over the years that he was hurt but then again I can't help but the way I feel. I have played with the thought of us being together but never really ventured into the red zone of a relationship.

Some people can consider me to be selfish (including my male friend) but I see myself as a very smart woman. I am not going to conform to be someone that I am not. I love all my friends for who they are and what they provide to me, love. But I can't love beyond my means. That's right ladies and gentlemen, you sometimes can love beyond your means. Love should be unconditional and endless, never with restraints. As the years progress, my friends patience was thinning. I wanted to hang out, chill, be my true self around him and love him for who he is but he saw me as his potential woman. I can't count how many times we stopped talking, got into arguments and copped attitudes over the lack of a relationships that we have. I wanted a friendship, he saw me as his perfect girlfriend. As a result of this challenge, my friend and I aren't speaking. I need my space to worry about me, not him hounding me for an answer. Or throwing mixed emotions my way.

Love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. While on the other hand, hate is defined as to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility. I have at one point in time in my life I have experienced both emotions. I can't say that I hate anyone right now but I can say I hate love sometimes. Love doesn't play fair. Love is blind. Love don't always have a true label. Love sometimes isn't my true friend. Love is so difficult on so many levels hence why now I'm on a roller coaster with it. But I write this blog to give you a heads up. Really think about your true feelings you have for that friend. I have learned from that past relationship now to my current friendship. I have learned that love is sacred and precious. You can't take it for granted for one moment of lust. There really is a thin line between love and hate. Within the same sentence, how many times have you have heard so many people say, " damn I really loved him/her but now I hate that MF'er with a passion because...." Love/Hate is an emotion that can be interchangeable. Therefore, think twice before you cross that line.... 

Goodbye Brownie.....

Yep thats how my face was looking this past week! LOL. I haven't dyed nor played with any color in my hair since 07. When I did play with a color it was a semi perm color and didn't take too well. It was beautiful the first  week or two then once I washed it, like alot of dyes, it rinsed out. I mean all the way out!!! So I said forget it, I'm not bleaching my hair and have my hair color too bright. Hell I do have to go to work professionally so therefore, I'll stick to the basic. After all these years my hair has result to this.

 I'm just so tired of this color that I'm really going to do it...I'm going to dye my locs!!! I asked people on Facebook what they thought would be a great color for me. I was suggested some crazy colors such as "Raven purple", black, red/organge and even GREEN! Yea my friends are some jokers but I believe I'm going to settle on a redish color with a tint of organge. I did it last time but this time, I'm doing a perm color. I'm not wasting time with this color process. A couple of weeks ago, I dyed my mom's hair a lite brownish/red but only her scalp came out since she's been dying her hair black for over 20 years!!! LOL. So it's goigng to be an adventure trying to dye it lighter without bleaching it but we're going to get it together. So this will be my last weekend that I'll be a "brunette", I've heard red heads had the most fun anyway. LOL we shall see...........

Goodbye Brownie!!!

Nail Polish Color of the Week

*Cheshire* by Funky Fingers

Hair Maintainence

Hello Young World!

During my hiaitus I was approached by two women to their hair. Now this was a complete shock for me but God is good for allowing me to have that oppurtunity to do something like that. I've been doing my mom's hair maintainence for the past three months since our hair dresser had dissed her for her last hair appointment back in June 2010. I took it upon myself to learn new hair styles via Youtube since both my mom and I aren't getting our hair done by her for a while. Since doing so, I've learned about four hairstyles to do on my own hair. Now I've been growing my locs for the past 4.5 years so my hair is significally longer and thicker than my mothers. But that doesn't stop her from wanting the same or similar hair styles that I rock, which is no problem. Therefore, I started doing the styles on her hair. Which is shown below.

My mom's coworker's were so impressed with her hair style that they immediately pulled my mom to the side and asked for my number. I was in shocked! Now this is what you all don't know. These two women go to the same hair stylist that my mom and I were going to. But apparently, she has been doing the same thing to them by cancelling appointments the day of (even 5-10 mins before the appt. time), not returning their phone calls and/or extending their appt. dates. Therefore, they decided they wanted to come over and allow me to do their hair. I was extremely surprised and overwhelmed but I did fine. I took my time and they were satisfied with their results. I didn't get a picture of the first ladies hair but I did of the second lady. Here's the pictures below...

I did a simple basket weave for her and made sure I moisterized her scalp and locs since she has extreme dry hair/scalp. *She came back two weeks later to get some flat twists put in on the side of her head but I forgot to take a pic*

Hair Maintainence-Loc Bun

For the week of Aug. 9-13, 2010, I did a really cute loc bun style. My hair was already curly/crinkled from braids that I did the week previous. So when I did the bun it gave it a little different texture. But the front had a little hump while the back was a bun. It was a huge bun but it was really nice. I kept this style in for a week and a half.

 

Updates!!!

Well Hello Young World!!!

First and foremost please allow me to say I'm truly sorry for the lack of blogs but a woman has been super busy. So like the title states, let me give you updates in what I'm doing with myself. The whole month of July I took a 5 week Microbiology course at my local community college. For those who don't know, I do have my BS in Biology so you all are probably thinking, "Jamale why are you taking a summer course then??" Well I'm trying to better myself and further my education. Therefore, meaning I want to go back to school silly!

Back in May 2010, I decided that I wanted to take another route of my life and apply my skills and apply to nursing school. I applied to one school in Virginia and that didn't work out. But I didn't stop there. I took $560 out of my pocket and paid for that class. It was a little harsh but much needed for me to apply for the next nursing school which is located in North Carolina!!! So yes boys and girls, if I do get accepted into the school, I will be relocated to North Carolina. (I'm nervous as hell!!!) So with all that being said, after I took the Microbiology course, which I received an A in, I had to send out all those papers, get a physical, get blood work and get shots, I was busy preparing for my future.

Currently, I'm starting back my bibical course that I'm taking at church and along with my community actitivities this upcoming fall. Like always, I love to keep myself busy. So it'll be many meetings, assessments, community events, volunteering and donation for me the next four months. *whew* I'm tired already just thinking about it all. LOL. Also I have seriously been "vlogging" on Youtube so I do more speaking now then typing but I'm back on here. So with all that, that's where I've been and preparing for.

I have still been doing my nails and hair, I just have been too busy/lazy to sit down at this PC and add any photos to this site. I know, I know, I'm horrible but I'm back at it like a crack addict. So I'm going to add them all at once and let them distrube on their own daily. So please bare with me. Thats all I have so far for you guys. I hope you all like the upcoming subjects, pics and poetry that I have for you all. Enjoy....

Jamale

Nail Color Of the Week

Hello Everyone!

I'm continuing my weekly color of Funky Fingers and this week's color is.....

Power Play by Funky Fingers

Hair Maintainence/Nail Polish Color of the Week

Hello everyone!

Sorry I've haven't shown yall what my nail colors and hair styles has been for the past 2-3 weeks. I've been super busy with taking a summer class. Anyway, the following pics are for the past month of July. For my hair, I mostly like my hair in bantu knots or pin ups so it's mostly curly. Lastly, my nails I love bright colors for the hot occasion so thats what I've been rocking! Let me know what yall think!!! Have a blessed one......

Last week's color was: Funky Fingers South Hampton Seafoam

Last Week's Hair Style: Bantu Knots with larger Bantu Knots in the front

*it was flat twisted in the front then big bantu knots the ends but I forgot to take a pic of it. But this is the flat look later in the week.*This week for my hair I just did two strand twists then twisted those two strands into a huge bantu knots. It just gave a wavy/curly look. Nothing too different than the previous picture.

This week's nail color: L.A Colors Magnectic Force

This color surprised me how bright it was once the sun hit it. It's actually an organge/peachy color so this is what it looks like while I was driving....

Hope you enjoyed!!!

Hair Maintainence

Hello People!

Sorry I haven't been blogging over the past week but I've been super busy. I decided to take a summer class for this "future" that I have planned for myself! Recently, I've been learning alot of styles from people on Youtube so I'm trying them out on both my mom and myself. So here's two styles that I've done over the past month. Hope yall enjoy! Have a blessed one.

Left: two cornrows with a twist. Back is completely out.

Right: Basket weave in the front and knots holding the rest of my hair going to the nap of my neck.

Nail Color of The Week!

Hello People!!
My nail color of the week isn't posted in my last nail polish post because I brought it afterwards. I was going into the beauty supply store to get some shampoo and conditioner and then BAM I saw this beautiful color!!! Anyway, hopefully yall will enjoy it.

Barbie Pink by KleanColors