When I was younger, I was considered that shy fat girl that never spoke up for herself. The one who always allowed people to use me, say whatever they want to me and make jokes about me. To be truthful, I was too afraid to stand up for myself because I didn't know how to attack back and win. I remember going home and crying to my parents about how the kids in the neighborhood use to run me home from the playground. Things turned around for me in high school. I took and used my intelligence as my just one of my many leadership characteristics. I told myself that I will no longer allow people to run over me. I've gained great friends who loved and adored me. But most importantly, I started standing up for myself. And on top of all that, I did start talking to boys a little bit more heavy so that will always boost anyone's self esteem.
My father and brothers eventually started "training" me to stand up for myself and not allow people to get away with what they do to me. They always told me that you have to call people out on their sh*t. When you see or experience something that's not right you have every right to stand up for yourself. Really just forget how people feel in the process because they didn't take your feelings into consideration when they disrespected you. I can truly say in high school is where I gained my confidence. I got a little bit more bold and loud. I laughed more and apologized less. I then to start to love myself.
As life goes on, so do the experiences and life lessons. But I've experience relationships from men that basically abused me. No not physically, but emotionally. They would play games, lie, cheat and disrespect my time. I would give numerous chances to make things "right" and in the end, I would become a victim of anger. I allowed people to take advantage of my meekness. I love to love. I love the feeling of being in love. I love the never ending smiles, laughter, phone calls/texts and the long nights. But when it's bad, it's bad. The arguments, exchanges of curse words, yelling, hanging up and not talking for days. I literally got tired of that over the years but I mostly got tired of being hurt. I made endless promises to myself that I wouldn't put myself last.
So here I am at the age of 31, a strong, educated and successful black woman. I still love hard and am passionate in who I'm dating and what I'm doing. But I still refuse to take anything that given to me that's half ass. I feel as though life isn't a rehearsal so you shouldn't waste time or regret. But now a days like many blogs that I have posted before, people don't take relationships seriously. People don't date or court anymore. You can now "date" multiple people at a time with no consequence. It's "ok" to have multiple baby daddies/mommies. But it's not ok to say NO to sex, to ask are we in a serious relationship or where do you see us in the next year???!!!
When I ask the hard questions in a relationship or a "situationship" you'll be surprised how many of these men I date they run away and scatter like roaches. Like no one wants a commitment anymore. So when I react to their actions or some the harsh games and/or mind tricks that they play to continue to date or sleep with me, then I'm a b*tch. I've been accused of "acting like a man" because I peep the game that men play and when I flip it on them, I'm considered too manly and I act like a "b*tch with a d*ck" when I show them how they treat me. Well sir I'll be that. I was raised by mother to always act like a lady. Cross your legs when sitting, make eye contact, don't have your elbows on the table when eating, put your napkin in your lap, don't dabble in men business. But like I stated earlier, I was raised my a father as well. My father always told me to speak up for myself, if a person can't accept you for who and what you are, forget them, love yourself first, don't allow anyone to disrespect you and be your own leader. My brothers were there to back up the teachings.
I've found there to be some weak men out here. The one's who want you to stay the same and to never evolve. They simply want you for sex and will mislead you, lie to you and manipulate your mind. Hell there's men out here that lie and claim they had sex with you all type of different ways. Over the past 5 years, I've been encountering these type of men. I've dated recently two men who led me on to believe that there will be this future but they wanted to take it "slow" to see where it'll lead us. I've also had a "friend" for over 15 yrs. whom I cried on his shoulder for years about other men, all while he's trying to have sex with me. It wasn't until he got married, going through a divorce, having an unwanted child with his wife that he wanted me so bad that he couldn't stand me. I'm not lying when I tell y'all he got mad at me and stop being friends with me because he got married. He told me just that he couldn't stand that I wasn't his wife. Ummmm ok? I told him no I don't want to pursue a relationship with you while you're still married. His response was silence and ignoring my texts to insulting me by saying I act like I have a d*ck because I'm harsh when I say to him I don't want to f*ck* you!
Well I will not apologize for being strong. I will not apologize for standing up for myself and my morals. I'm far from a saint because I sin everyday but I will never betray my heart. I will not apologize for pointing out and speaking on those issues that other women are too afraid to because they're too afraid to "loose a good man." I believe I'm completely misunderstood. I can't fall for anything. I have to stand up for what's right and not accept just any type of attention or fake love. Relationships aren't that difficult if both people want it. It's all about comprising and working on things. I'm one of the most vulnerable people there is out here but you would never know it unless you really know me. But if I continue to allow people to use me or take from me, I would never be able to appreciate who God has sent for me.
