Love?

What is a person's true definition of love? How do you know when you're in love with someone really? How is love expressed? Is love an emotion, a feel or an expression? How old or mature must you be in order to know what love is?


According to Webster's dictionary, love is "a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal tides; attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration, benevolence or common interests." But to me love starts with self. Self love is the greatest love of all time. How can you know where to start or how to love if you sure as hell can't love yourself. It took me years to discover the under lying love I have for myself. Growing up I have low self esteem. I was always the bigger girl in the class but smart. I had true friends that appreciated me for who I was but I never saw myself as such. Almost everyday when I was younger (even now) my father told me how beautiful I was (am), I would just smile and laugh. How did I know what love was?

My heart was first hurt and crushed at the age of 16 from my high school sweetheart. I loved that man all the way up to the current age of 30. For years we went back and forth and played with the thoughts of a future, children and marriage but it never happened. Last time I saw him, I looked into his eyes and fell right out of love with him. I first knew I was in love with him when I couldn't stand not looking into his eyes. His eyes told a story that had music in my head that I needed to hear. He had the most beautiful eyes a girl could fall in love with. Long eye lashes, light brown and deep. When he cheated on me in high school, I was crushed. I was walking around with a heavy burden on my shoulders and I didn't know how to shake it off. That was something I have never felt before him. It was only him who could change my feelings. That was my first time ever knowing how it feels to be love's fool. Now you may see that as "young love" but how is that so when many people have babies at that age, get married and stay together and make life time commitments. Granted a young girl's body isn't mature but her mind is. Love isn't complicated or complex, the people who say it or believe it makes it so.

Since my high school sweetheart, I've been in true love two other times. Each time I knew it was a deeper love than a like-love relationship. To me love is a combination of actions, emotions and commitment. I don't play around with that word unless I really mean it. When I love, I love hard and long. I'm committed to let that person know each and every day that I love them and I want them to see and feel that. Love is something that is felt and unconditional. I can't put restrictions how I should show that love. Love is affection expressed through actions and words. You can tell a person how much you love them until you show it. Love is having no doubt, fears or expectations. Love is not being able to go one day without talking or seeing that person regardless of how you feel about them or that argument y'all had the other day. Love is standing by that person right or wrong, having dedication and faith that it'll work out no matter what. Most importantly, love is blind. Love is meant to be felt and appreciated not neglected.

It took me years to truly and appreciate love for who and what it is. It's still a very sensitive subject for me because I need the other person to know love to me is like marriage. Once you love someone, those feelings never go away. You can fall out of love with that person but an admiration will always be there. No matter who comes before or after you, love is respect. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic that believes in an unwritten language between two people but I only know how to read, write and speak it. One of these days God will bless me with a man whom reflects me. A true mirror of my reflection. Until then, my love is on reserve, hold, on lock down. Love is meant to be shown, which it will be one day again for me....

Mental Baggage, Physically Overweight

It's pouring outside.  The rain made it's presence known that it was there to stay for the day. I was drenched with my Grandmother as we walked into the doctors office this past Friday. We laughed and joked as we were waiting for her name to be called. I sat uncomfortable next to her because the chairs were small and positioned close to each other. I forgot how the conversation started but she stated "I don't think you want to loose weight."

Now for years my Grandmother made comments about my weight and I didn't really pay her any attention.  I brushed her off and told her to "chill." When I was in college I figured I was the same size as I was when I left for school.  But she saw something different.  When I went over her house to wash clothes some weekends she would say, "baby your face is getting really round along with your belly." I would mostly look at her with an evil grin, roll my eyes and walk away. I just figured older people say whatever they want out their mouths with no thought attached to it.

But now I see my Grandmother was right...

In 2005, I went through a life changing experience.  Little did I know that was the beginning of my troubles. I had a lot more downs than ups. I lost myself in the meanwhile.  I did attempt to get myself back on track since then. I join a local gym not once, not twice but three different ones. The first time around I lost 40 lbs. initially and then 35 lbs the second time.  But I gained the weight back, plus some after each time. The third gym, where im at now, i attend there occasionally. From 2006-2009, I was going through an emotional rollercoaster.....I'm surprised I didn't loose my damn mind.

I'll spare both you and me the details since I don't want to go back down memory lane. But just know with each situation,  I was gaining a pound. Along with sadness, like any girl when she gets into a comfortable relationship she looses herself since most of her attention is on her new man, money and having fun. Plus I had a man each time who appreciate my curves, rolls and mind. They didn't care about my weight and neither did I.

In between of unemployment spells, I ate out of boredom and stress.  I didn't care how I felt, what I ate and how much money I spent. I was too busy worrying about being able to pay my bills. Thankfully God has blessed me with two different jobs in between those times but each job was stressful.  And with stress, it triggered my eating and emotions.  Again I wasn't paying attention.  I wanted a break, a new scene and a career.  So I applied to nursing school finally and I got accepted last summer! Exciting and motivating. Exciting but yet again stressful as well. I don't know how much I gained but I wasn't happy with my extra weight I'm carrying around.

Last year my mom signed me up with her to weight watchers.  I was excited about this change in my life. Attending school and possibly loosing weight. I did initially loose 15 lbs with eating right and slight exercise.  That all changed with the daily stress.  Stressing over studying, passing my classes, doing assignments on time, my Grandmother's cancer diagnosis,  my finances, my family and my dying relationship.  It was a good program but I later realized that I won't be able to work the plan properly. 

It's hard to do things right and eat clean when you're living in a household who doesn't eat like a health nut. Instead they eat everything fried, smoothered and sweet. That's a hard combination in trying to loose weight. Now you may think well buy your own food. Easier said than done since I'm in school full time and financially i rely on my parents for some things. It's a sacrifice for both of us but I appreciate them beyond feelings and words. They want to become a great nurse one day soon,  so somethings they pitch in.

As I looked at my Grandmother again as I always do at that doctors office and gave her that same look about my weight and explained to her it's easier said than done just like her smoking habit after her brush with cancer. But when I went home and thought about it she was right.  Earlier that week, I went to my weight watchers meeting and I gained back my 15 lbs lbs i lost and I was slowly creeping back up to my weight i was before I joined this weight loss program.  I damn near cried.

Something has to change!.....

Recently I've been having some conversations with my best friend about her weight loss and therapy sessions with a life coach. Both her and I realized that our weight gain was from our emotional baggage over the years. With each stressful situation, I ate.  I cried, I ate. I was eating my life away. I was killing myself. I feel different.  My weight is becoming a nuisance. I don't enjoy my shopping trips anymore, subconsciously I hate taking pictures now and I can see my weight.  I now see what my Grandmother saw many years ago.

I decided this week I'm cancelling my gym membership and Weight Watchers membership, cut out the eating out, sweets and stop feeling sorry for myself.  I'm carrying around all these unhealthy emotions and insecurities. I need to look at what I'm doing and eating, write down my thoughts, pray and say NO to all the wrong things and people. I have to work on my self internally before externally.  So I guess I wasn't ready to loose weight until I saw me naked. This is just the beginning of my life long journey of loosing weight.