Love?

What is a person's true definition of love? How do you know when you're in love with someone really? How is love expressed? Is love an emotion, a feel or an expression? How old or mature must you be in order to know what love is?


According to Webster's dictionary, love is "a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal tides; attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration, benevolence or common interests." But to me love starts with self. Self love is the greatest love of all time. How can you know where to start or how to love if you sure as hell can't love yourself. It took me years to discover the under lying love I have for myself. Growing up I have low self esteem. I was always the bigger girl in the class but smart. I had true friends that appreciated me for who I was but I never saw myself as such. Almost everyday when I was younger (even now) my father told me how beautiful I was (am), I would just smile and laugh. How did I know what love was?

My heart was first hurt and crushed at the age of 16 from my high school sweetheart. I loved that man all the way up to the current age of 30. For years we went back and forth and played with the thoughts of a future, children and marriage but it never happened. Last time I saw him, I looked into his eyes and fell right out of love with him. I first knew I was in love with him when I couldn't stand not looking into his eyes. His eyes told a story that had music in my head that I needed to hear. He had the most beautiful eyes a girl could fall in love with. Long eye lashes, light brown and deep. When he cheated on me in high school, I was crushed. I was walking around with a heavy burden on my shoulders and I didn't know how to shake it off. That was something I have never felt before him. It was only him who could change my feelings. That was my first time ever knowing how it feels to be love's fool. Now you may see that as "young love" but how is that so when many people have babies at that age, get married and stay together and make life time commitments. Granted a young girl's body isn't mature but her mind is. Love isn't complicated or complex, the people who say it or believe it makes it so.

Since my high school sweetheart, I've been in true love two other times. Each time I knew it was a deeper love than a like-love relationship. To me love is a combination of actions, emotions and commitment. I don't play around with that word unless I really mean it. When I love, I love hard and long. I'm committed to let that person know each and every day that I love them and I want them to see and feel that. Love is something that is felt and unconditional. I can't put restrictions how I should show that love. Love is affection expressed through actions and words. You can tell a person how much you love them until you show it. Love is having no doubt, fears or expectations. Love is not being able to go one day without talking or seeing that person regardless of how you feel about them or that argument y'all had the other day. Love is standing by that person right or wrong, having dedication and faith that it'll work out no matter what. Most importantly, love is blind. Love is meant to be felt and appreciated not neglected.

It took me years to truly and appreciate love for who and what it is. It's still a very sensitive subject for me because I need the other person to know love to me is like marriage. Once you love someone, those feelings never go away. You can fall out of love with that person but an admiration will always be there. No matter who comes before or after you, love is respect. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic that believes in an unwritten language between two people but I only know how to read, write and speak it. One of these days God will bless me with a man whom reflects me. A true mirror of my reflection. Until then, my love is on reserve, hold, on lock down. Love is meant to be shown, which it will be one day again for me....

Mental Baggage, Physically Overweight

It's pouring outside.  The rain made it's presence known that it was there to stay for the day. I was drenched with my Grandmother as we walked into the doctors office this past Friday. We laughed and joked as we were waiting for her name to be called. I sat uncomfortable next to her because the chairs were small and positioned close to each other. I forgot how the conversation started but she stated "I don't think you want to loose weight."

Now for years my Grandmother made comments about my weight and I didn't really pay her any attention.  I brushed her off and told her to "chill." When I was in college I figured I was the same size as I was when I left for school.  But she saw something different.  When I went over her house to wash clothes some weekends she would say, "baby your face is getting really round along with your belly." I would mostly look at her with an evil grin, roll my eyes and walk away. I just figured older people say whatever they want out their mouths with no thought attached to it.

But now I see my Grandmother was right...

In 2005, I went through a life changing experience.  Little did I know that was the beginning of my troubles. I had a lot more downs than ups. I lost myself in the meanwhile.  I did attempt to get myself back on track since then. I join a local gym not once, not twice but three different ones. The first time around I lost 40 lbs. initially and then 35 lbs the second time.  But I gained the weight back, plus some after each time. The third gym, where im at now, i attend there occasionally. From 2006-2009, I was going through an emotional rollercoaster.....I'm surprised I didn't loose my damn mind.

I'll spare both you and me the details since I don't want to go back down memory lane. But just know with each situation,  I was gaining a pound. Along with sadness, like any girl when she gets into a comfortable relationship she looses herself since most of her attention is on her new man, money and having fun. Plus I had a man each time who appreciate my curves, rolls and mind. They didn't care about my weight and neither did I.

In between of unemployment spells, I ate out of boredom and stress.  I didn't care how I felt, what I ate and how much money I spent. I was too busy worrying about being able to pay my bills. Thankfully God has blessed me with two different jobs in between those times but each job was stressful.  And with stress, it triggered my eating and emotions.  Again I wasn't paying attention.  I wanted a break, a new scene and a career.  So I applied to nursing school finally and I got accepted last summer! Exciting and motivating. Exciting but yet again stressful as well. I don't know how much I gained but I wasn't happy with my extra weight I'm carrying around.

Last year my mom signed me up with her to weight watchers.  I was excited about this change in my life. Attending school and possibly loosing weight. I did initially loose 15 lbs with eating right and slight exercise.  That all changed with the daily stress.  Stressing over studying, passing my classes, doing assignments on time, my Grandmother's cancer diagnosis,  my finances, my family and my dying relationship.  It was a good program but I later realized that I won't be able to work the plan properly. 

It's hard to do things right and eat clean when you're living in a household who doesn't eat like a health nut. Instead they eat everything fried, smoothered and sweet. That's a hard combination in trying to loose weight. Now you may think well buy your own food. Easier said than done since I'm in school full time and financially i rely on my parents for some things. It's a sacrifice for both of us but I appreciate them beyond feelings and words. They want to become a great nurse one day soon,  so somethings they pitch in.

As I looked at my Grandmother again as I always do at that doctors office and gave her that same look about my weight and explained to her it's easier said than done just like her smoking habit after her brush with cancer. But when I went home and thought about it she was right.  Earlier that week, I went to my weight watchers meeting and I gained back my 15 lbs lbs i lost and I was slowly creeping back up to my weight i was before I joined this weight loss program.  I damn near cried.

Something has to change!.....

Recently I've been having some conversations with my best friend about her weight loss and therapy sessions with a life coach. Both her and I realized that our weight gain was from our emotional baggage over the years. With each stressful situation, I ate.  I cried, I ate. I was eating my life away. I was killing myself. I feel different.  My weight is becoming a nuisance. I don't enjoy my shopping trips anymore, subconsciously I hate taking pictures now and I can see my weight.  I now see what my Grandmother saw many years ago.

I decided this week I'm cancelling my gym membership and Weight Watchers membership, cut out the eating out, sweets and stop feeling sorry for myself.  I'm carrying around all these unhealthy emotions and insecurities. I need to look at what I'm doing and eating, write down my thoughts, pray and say NO to all the wrong things and people. I have to work on my self internally before externally.  So I guess I wasn't ready to loose weight until I saw me naked. This is just the beginning of my life long journey of loosing weight. 

I lost my mind just a week ago

I was on my way to a birthday party out in Baltimore, MD when I saw the sign for I95N to New York. The exit ramp was coming up when I realized that I was in the wrong lane. But what if I took that exit? Seriously what if???

See what you fail to understand I have the world damn near on my back. My neck and upper back is so tensed that I doubt a massage will do any justice. My lower back is in pain. I'm suffering from headaches more often. My attitude is now not accepting any tolerance. You see I'm beyond fed up with the bull. I'm not the next mad black woman. I'm bitter as hell!!

My sister in law and myself was having a crying session just a few hours before I went to the birthday party. I was pouring my heart out to her about all my pain. About how my heart hurt so much from loving people so hard. Basically she was my doctor at my time of need and told me that I care for people too much. I expect for people to care for me just as much as I do. All while in the mean time I have lost myself in the process. Her words was breathtaking but so true!!! It was a great example of a "a hah" moment. That's it. Now I know why I'm mad as hell at the world.

I get so mad at myself for falling in love over and over again, helping other people out, listening to other people's problems, giving people money, encouraging motivating and pushing people. I tell myself all the time that God has put all of this in my heart and I can't help the way I feel. Yes that's true but God didn't make no dummy. He tells us to love one another just like He loved us, forgive but never forget and always be ready for reconciliation.  But don't loose yourself all in the end.

You see during this time of always being available for everyone else, I lost what I actually wanted to do. I didn't put myself first and tell people how I really felt with no apologies behind it. I thought before I talked and I always took everyone else into consideration. So my solution to this major problem is to put on my I don't care hat. I have to let all the BS go in my life and sincerely focus on what I want.

I lost my mind just a week ago because I lost myself. With time, patience, prayer and a plan I'll get to where I need to be. With my faith holding me up by my boot straps, things will change inner then outer. So next time I see that sign I'll be going to New York because I want to visit not to run away from the pain.

Thoughts to Paper: Journalling

I've started journalling at the tender age of eleven. Like most children that start at the age, you mostly write about whats going on in your life irrevelant. Myself, I wrote about who's house I went over, what we did, what I did for the weekend with my parents and the little snotty boys that I liked. To this date, I have three journals that I have filled in with my random thoughs and experiences. Now those three are in the attic collecting dust. But from time to time I do go back and read what I wrote. It's always an excellent thing to go back and remind yourself how far you have come. What lessons you have learned and what you gained from it all. I usually do this a year after the last journal entry in the previous journal. It's simply a time to reflect and encourage myself.

When I tell people that I journal, they always ask me what do I write about? Its kind of hard to explain but I most likely give them examples. I see journalling as another outlet for me to get to my thoughts out. It's my friend without judgement. They only person who will ever judge me is me. A lot of times I listen to people's problems day in and day out and give advice when asked but then when it's time for me to let go of how I'm really feeling, no one seems to be around or really paying attention to a word I am saying. Therefore, I let my ink bleed on the papers, sometimes along with tears. Yes, tears. I can't count how many times I had to stop and allow myself to get myself together because I have had so much built up anger and/or hurt suppressed inside of me. I hurt just like any other human being or animal but somehow some people don't see it.

As years progessed on, my writing has become extensive. My poetry is an exentsion of my thoughts but more on an intimate level. Those are differnt types of words that flow through me. Poetry is my inner most vulnerable spot within my soul. Something that many people wont understand (unless you're a poet also). But now my journalling has expaded to other books. I have a personal one where I write down my weekly experiences, lessons, thoughts, goals and feelings. My prayer journal is where I talk to God on a more intimate level. I usually write my prayers down and then speak outloud back to God. I pray about anything that my heart desires, regardless if it's prayers for other people, money, goals, accomplishments/praises, hurt, pain, etc. I let God know how Jamale is really feeling. I don't hold back at all to God. He is the only one who knows me the best, so why fake it?

Lastly, I have an exercise/diet journal. Now this is new, since I just brought it this past week but I have journalled about this in the past, I just did it in another form but it's all the same. This journal has the date, current weight, meals, feelings and thoughts. I use to write all this stuff down in my personal journal but I'm glad to see that they finally have it where I can keep up with it separately. Thank you God! This journal is going to help me A LOT with my weight problems. Unlike, some people, I can admit when I'm wrong. And right now, my weight is all wrong. This is an area in my life that I don't like and that I need to work. Therefore, I believe this journal will open up myself in a different way and reveal to me my problems with loosing weight.

I express all this to say, don't be afarid to write. I use to be afriaid to really put down on those pages what was really going on with me in fear of someone judging me later. But I later discovered that the only person who was getting hurt was me. I don't care what people think nor do I care how they may view me once I depart from this earth. I just pray that people will understand that I made my share of mistakes and I have learned from them. So if my children read from them, they too will learn what not to do. Or even if my journals fall in the hands of a stranger, I pray that they live their life to the fullest as I'm trying to live mines. So if you're reading this and don't have a journal, go out and try it. Allow yourself to be comfortable enough to fully let go of what's bothering you. I pray that you see what's really eating you up inside. Peace and blessings...

Hair Maintainence

Hello Young World!

During my hiaitus I was approached by two women to their hair. Now this was a complete shock for me but God is good for allowing me to have that oppurtunity to do something like that. I've been doing my mom's hair maintainence for the past three months since our hair dresser had dissed her for her last hair appointment back in June 2010. I took it upon myself to learn new hair styles via Youtube since both my mom and I aren't getting our hair done by her for a while. Since doing so, I've learned about four hairstyles to do on my own hair. Now I've been growing my locs for the past 4.5 years so my hair is significally longer and thicker than my mothers. But that doesn't stop her from wanting the same or similar hair styles that I rock, which is no problem. Therefore, I started doing the styles on her hair. Which is shown below.

My mom's coworker's were so impressed with her hair style that they immediately pulled my mom to the side and asked for my number. I was in shocked! Now this is what you all don't know. These two women go to the same hair stylist that my mom and I were going to. But apparently, she has been doing the same thing to them by cancelling appointments the day of (even 5-10 mins before the appt. time), not returning their phone calls and/or extending their appt. dates. Therefore, they decided they wanted to come over and allow me to do their hair. I was extremely surprised and overwhelmed but I did fine. I took my time and they were satisfied with their results. I didn't get a picture of the first ladies hair but I did of the second lady. Here's the pictures below...

I did a simple basket weave for her and made sure I moisterized her scalp and locs since she has extreme dry hair/scalp. *She came back two weeks later to get some flat twists put in on the side of her head but I forgot to take a pic*

Updates!!!

Well Hello Young World!!!

First and foremost please allow me to say I'm truly sorry for the lack of blogs but a woman has been super busy. So like the title states, let me give you updates in what I'm doing with myself. The whole month of July I took a 5 week Microbiology course at my local community college. For those who don't know, I do have my BS in Biology so you all are probably thinking, "Jamale why are you taking a summer course then??" Well I'm trying to better myself and further my education. Therefore, meaning I want to go back to school silly!

Back in May 2010, I decided that I wanted to take another route of my life and apply my skills and apply to nursing school. I applied to one school in Virginia and that didn't work out. But I didn't stop there. I took $560 out of my pocket and paid for that class. It was a little harsh but much needed for me to apply for the next nursing school which is located in North Carolina!!! So yes boys and girls, if I do get accepted into the school, I will be relocated to North Carolina. (I'm nervous as hell!!!) So with all that being said, after I took the Microbiology course, which I received an A in, I had to send out all those papers, get a physical, get blood work and get shots, I was busy preparing for my future.

Currently, I'm starting back my bibical course that I'm taking at church and along with my community actitivities this upcoming fall. Like always, I love to keep myself busy. So it'll be many meetings, assessments, community events, volunteering and donation for me the next four months. *whew* I'm tired already just thinking about it all. LOL. Also I have seriously been "vlogging" on Youtube so I do more speaking now then typing but I'm back on here. So with all that, that's where I've been and preparing for.

I have still been doing my nails and hair, I just have been too busy/lazy to sit down at this PC and add any photos to this site. I know, I know, I'm horrible but I'm back at it like a crack addict. So I'm going to add them all at once and let them distrube on their own daily. So please bare with me. Thats all I have so far for you guys. I hope you all like the upcoming subjects, pics and poetry that I have for you all. Enjoy....

Jamale

Hair Maintainence/Nail Polish Color of the Week

Hello everyone!

Sorry I've haven't shown yall what my nail colors and hair styles has been for the past 2-3 weeks. I've been super busy with taking a summer class. Anyway, the following pics are for the past month of July. For my hair, I mostly like my hair in bantu knots or pin ups so it's mostly curly. Lastly, my nails I love bright colors for the hot occasion so thats what I've been rocking! Let me know what yall think!!! Have a blessed one......

Last week's color was: Funky Fingers South Hampton Seafoam

Last Week's Hair Style: Bantu Knots with larger Bantu Knots in the front

*it was flat twisted in the front then big bantu knots the ends but I forgot to take a pic of it. But this is the flat look later in the week.*This week for my hair I just did two strand twists then twisted those two strands into a huge bantu knots. It just gave a wavy/curly look. Nothing too different than the previous picture.

This week's nail color: L.A Colors Magnectic Force

This color surprised me how bright it was once the sun hit it. It's actually an organge/peachy color so this is what it looks like while I was driving....

Hope you enjoyed!!!

Hair Maintainence

Hello People!

Sorry I haven't been blogging over the past week but I've been super busy. I decided to take a summer class for this "future" that I have planned for myself! Recently, I've been learning alot of styles from people on Youtube so I'm trying them out on both my mom and myself. So here's two styles that I've done over the past month. Hope yall enjoy! Have a blessed one.

Left: two cornrows with a twist. Back is completely out.

Right: Basket weave in the front and knots holding the rest of my hair going to the nap of my neck.

Hair Maintainence

So this week I've decided to do a basket weave for my hair. I should be learning new styles soon so I hope yall are enjoying!!

Hair Maintainence

Hello you guys!

I just wanted to share with you all my experience of doing my own hair. Usually, I go to a salon or my hair dressers house to get my hair done but recently, I haven't been able to do so. (She has disappeared) Therefore, I've been doing my own hair for the past two months. I believe I'm going to share my hair journey of different styles on here so hope you all enjoy!!!

Bantu Knots

Left: with the Bantu Knots in for 3 days

Right: Bantu Knots taken down *frontal veiw*

Left: Side view

Right: Top view

Facial Care

Over the past 5 months, I must say my face has done a complete 360! I've always been the type that didn't have many acne problems nor pimples. If I did have one or two, I'll just simply wash my face more and keep my hands away from my face. But recently, this haven't been working for me.

Around March 2010, I've been experiencing more outbreaks, black/white heads and acne scars. I FREAK OUT!!! My body wants to wait until I'm 27 yrs. old to just do it's own thing! It's a little embarrassing for anyone to break out with a pimple but to continuously get them is getting beyond embarrassed. In fact, you become a little self conscious. Not because it's a pimple or little bumps but you're wondering "Are they looking at my eyes or the pimple on my forehead?" No one wants to have that feeling.

Therefore, I took it upon myself to try out some other alternatives to my skin care. I was using Ambi Daily Facial Scrub and that worked great. But the only thing I didn't like about the product is that it leaves behind a film on my skin. So I had to use my Astringent to remove that, otherwise, my face felt "heavy" in a way. Along with the facial wash, I was using Ambi's Facial Moisturizer. Now what I'm really feeling is that the "black products" are now putting SPF in the formulas. A lot of people of color don't realize that we too can hurt our skin by constant wear and tear in the sun.

Again, around March 2010, my face wasn't liking this product, and decided that it wanted to break out. I asked a good girlfriend of mines, a recommend facial wash that she likes, used or have heard work really well. She then told me how she came upon a facial wash that our mutual friend left over her house. She showed me the bottle and I immediately went out and brought the product. (I was tired of these little bumps on my face!!!) So I went out and brought the Biore' Pore Unclogging Scrub. This cleanser was great! It immediately (within the week) cleared up my face. On the front of it said that it's better than Proactiv. Now I don't know because I never used Proactiv but I must say I was impressed!

So I decided that I needed to change my moisterizer too because like my Ambi cleanser, my moisterizer came to an end. I didn't know that Biore' had three different lines of facial regiems. But I came across the Biore' Skin Preservation. Whats different about this is it's a moisterizer and a spf 30!!! This moisterizer saved my life. LOL. But it's a very refreshing feeling moisterizer and keeps my skin pretty.

Along with my Biore' facial wash and moisterizer, I decided that I wanted to try some other products of theirs. I haven't done much trying because my skin is very sensitive but I have tried the Deep Cleansing Pore Strips. These strips focus on the areas of your nose and under your eyes. It uplifts those horrible white/blackheads that linger in your pores. It's very easy to use. Just a matter of watering your nose area, apply the strip, and leave on for 10-15 mins. Then wooo-lah, you have fantasic skin! Now I was using them once a week and then I had to stop because I was breaking out. Not because of the product but due to my sensitive skin, I was overusing the product and it was drying out my skin. So I would recommend you using it once a month. Unless, you have hard core skin and you don't mind the dryness around your nose area, knock yourself out! LOL. I really like this product though. So I'll continue to use it. I can see the difference in my face.

Now something thats different between my face and yours, is that I have a combination skin type. Therefore, in the morning my face can be dry-normal but by the end of the evening, my face is oily as hell!!! It simply can look like I have thrown a lot of oil on my face and my pimples isn't a great background either. So I had to wash my face in the evenings so I won't get anymore bacteria and pimples on my face. But I needed also needed to get rid of those past acne scars aka hyperpigmentation. Those are the worst for people of color!!! I'm sometime a picker of my pimples (yea I know it's bad!!) but you have to understand no one wants to walk around with a huge pimple on their chin/forehead/cheeck,etc. So sometimes I'll bust them. Therefore, it'll leave scars later. So I didn't want to have a clear face and a lot of dark pigmentations on my skin. So I googled and Youtubed how I can get rid of them and I came across this...

Yep thats what it is, sugar and lemon! I thought "what will this little concocktion going to do for my face??" Women on Youtube swear by it! I saw it many years ago ask a nautural exfloxiation but not as a hyperpigmentation treatment. So since many women lived by these simple natrual grown products, I said I'll try it. So mid-April, I stared using the lemon/sugar scrub. At first, it burned like hell!!! Yes the lemon was penetrating my pores but thats a good thing. It was getting those areas where I had those dark spots (mostly on my left cheeck). The women do it either everyday, once a week or once a month. Myself, I use it 2-3 times a week in subsitute for my nightly cleasner (the Biore'). It really makes your skin look and feel great! See God put things here for us to use naturally, it's just a matter of using them.

Now usually afterwards, my senstive skin shows its true colors and is dying to for some moisterinzing. But before I do that, depending on the day, I use two different masks. I came across a mint mask (CVS brand of Queen Helene's Mint Mask) for those stubborn pores that were open, allowing the bacteria to enter. This is suppose to srink my pores and refresh my face. I usually use this mask twice a week, Tues and Thurs. It's a really cool sensation and I can feel my pores literally srinking. LOL. I know it sounds weird but it works for me. I'm happy with the results. Now on the other days, Mon, Wed, and Frid., I'll do another mask to whiten up those hyperpigmentation marks or to srink my pimples. The Mario Badescu Whiting Mask....... This mask isn't bad either. At first, I was soley using this before the mint mask. My only problem with the product is, I have a white film left on my face. I sorta look like a clown once I'm finished washing my face. No matter the water temperature I use to wash my face, the product is still on my face. Each mask I usually leave on for like 10 mins, where the mint mask come off with no problem but the Mario Badecsu is a lot of washing off. It works to srink my pimples but as far as whiting, I really don't know since I'm using the lemon/suguar scrub along with both masks. I don't think I'm going to buy this product again because of the left over white film. Other than that, I have no complaints about the product and I plan to use it up.

Lastly, I changed my astringent and nightly moisterizer. I was using Sea Breeze Sensitve Skin Astringent and Ponds Dry Skin Cream but they weren't working for me. The Sea Breeze was a little harsh for my skin. So I needed to change it to Witch Hazel or find an astringent with Witch Hazel in it. Witch Hazel is a natural toner, that evens out the hyperpigmentation along with cleansing your pores. So I stubbled upon a astringent that has both witch hazel and is a toner, which is Olay's Refreshing Toner.

Funny thing is, it actually smells good and it doesn't dry up my skin like the other astringents did. As you can see, I've been using it up quite a bit and I'm satisfied with the product. I use astringent more in the summer time than in winter because of the weather. As a result of the heat, my skin gets more oily in the summer than in the winter. In the winter, my skin is thristy for moisterizer so I only use astringent once a day in the winter. Like I said previously, my skin is oily as hell at the end of the day in the summer. So the astringent helps even out the hyperpigmentation plus tame that oil. Lastly, for a nightly moisterizer, I use Bio Oil (I have the CVS brand). This skin treatment is suppose to even out those acne scars, stretch marks and moisterize dry skin. Pefect for me!
This oil gives my skin the enough moisture needed after a long day for sun, heat and abuse. I usually apply it before bed but I dont go to sleep right after the application. The reason why not because it'll greese up my pillows! You have to allow time to penetrate your deeper layers of skin. Really rub the oil into your skin and you'll be fine. It leaves my face refresh for the morning!

The Ugly Duckling

I've always thought I was different from most girls. I've never fit in the crowds. I've never wanted the same things. I've always strived for the better things in life. I wanted to live loud, free and worry less. But I was always pushed to the background in my younger days stepped over or looked down upon.

Some may know me personally and others my not but one thing for sure is I have insecurities just like any other woman. But mines go deeper than most. My parents always told me how beautiful I was, how smart I was or how proud they were of me but I lacked those compliments from others. Girls gain their confidence and attitude based on what their peers feed them. I was always the smart, nerdy girl whom was quiet but I was always overweight. Due to all those attributes I gained low self esteem and no attention growing up. Now I did have some pretty cool friends but in a way I was kind of jealous of them. I wanted the cute boyfriends, the nicest clothes, the weekend trips to different places, the funny extended family. I thought I was missing something growing up. I didn't realize how much my parents sacrificed, gave into, or provided so I could be the woman I am today.

Growing up my self esteem was low. I thought I was ugly, a weird child, a nerd.....a soul lost. I wasn't light skin with pretty eyes, my hair wasnt flowing down my back, I didn't develop my body shape as quickly, I wore baggy clothes, I still did things I thought was "normal" for my age group. I was always competing with myself to be better than the next girl. And none of the video vixens they had in the videos didn't help my esteem any better. I wanted for once to be that "girl" that everyone wanted, talked about or hung around. I felt as though I was that "ugly duckling" that was in that story. I was black, ugly and looked down upon by those didnt know or understand me. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted those thoughts to go away. I never did anything to hurt myself but I did find myself seeking within. I only talked when I felt as though it was safe because I didn't want the attention. I only wanted to do things that I felt was cool to do because I didn't want to feel like I was "behind" the times by those that didn't understand me. I looked at myself in the mirror plenty of nights and cried. I wanted to be different. I wanted to change what I looked like. I wanted to be another Jamale. I really wanted to be lighter like my mother but with lighter colored eyes. What's so funny is at one point in time, I wanted to wear only light colored contact contacts. I envied my cousins on my materal side of the family for having that long brown hair flowing against their yellow complexed skin. But little did I know, one of my cousins felt like the black sheep in the family because she was too light. I never thought of that dilemia until one day she expressed that concern to me. Self hate was a disease that needed to be cured but I had no solution.........

After long nights of crying myself to sleep because of self haterated, I realized years later how much the world was actually tearing me down. I was allowing the boy's fantasies, wants and desires to control my thoughts. I was allowing the "in crowd" girls hold that glory of the lime light. I was allowing magazines, videos and ad's tell me how I "should" look, what size I should be and what I was missing. I was killing my soul, my spirit, myself......Once I started seeing myself as a being that God has made, I opened myself. I allowed myself to love me. I dont remember when the change happened exactly but once it started I was so relieved. My smile changed (braces), my attitude changed ( hung around positive people), my clothing changed (brought my own clothes) my lifestyle changed(socially active) and my mind changed (praying and listening to God more). I slowly increased my self esteem and accepting me for me. I was slowly falling in love with myself because I saw not that ugly duckling that turned into a swan, I saw potential. A potential friend, lover, spouse, mother, LEADER! Wow a leader, I thought. I didn't realize that I was an acutually leader. People flocked towards me. They loved me. They adored me. They simply accepted me. Not everyone did throughout my years but hell thats life. But what's most important, I dont cry no more because of my self image. I cry because I'm happy. I'm so overwhelmed with joy and priceless pride. I still do have my "insecurities" that deprive me of some happiness every now and then that I'm still battling. I'm now leaving those things to God. I can't change everything about myself but I can work on me to better me. No one will ever love me harder more than God and myself.

I am flawed tremedously but thats what makes me me. Thats what makes me who I achieve NOT to be everyday. That what makes people love or hate me. Thats what people accept, my flaws. I am a person who deserves to be loved, adored and cared for. I deserve the finner things in life just as equally or much as the next light skin/red bone African American woman. God made me and I can't change myself. No matter how much plastic surgery, make up, products I could use I'll still have the same worries, feelings and fears. Thats why I've finally came to the terms of accepting ME, the Swan.

What's your type Ma?

When some of my friends or women that hardly know me ask me what type of men I like, I simply reply that I don't have one. A lot of people think I'm lying about something as simple as my type of men I like but to be honest, I have never put the much emphasis on my "typical" man I would talk to.

All my life, I always dated or been with men that are beautiful in their own way, never no one whom you couldn't say was cute. I'm not trying to sound vain but I do need something nice to look at. :-). When I try to show some of my female friends the type of men I dated, they can't believe how different my range of men have been. I've mostly only dated black men but I have dated Spanish men before also. All of them touch me in one way or another. But what really amuses me is that when I show some of those men I talked to before, some of the women ask "Girl, where did you meet him at" or "Damn." But the way they say it, is like they can't believe how a "girl like me" can manage to cop a man like that. See women like that I have to clearly stay away from.

Those type of women are what you clearly consider a HATER. They will try to either get with his closest friend or sadly your man. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with such fuckery. I manage to gain men based on being just me, Jamale! A lot of women don't look past the physical because we're always trying to compare ourselves to the next chick. I was guilty at one point in time doing the same thing. You'll see one sexy specimen of a man and wonder what the hell does he see in that fooly wolfgang woman of his. WOMEN STOP THIS THINKING! We have to be open minded enough to understand that man see something beautiful or special in that woman. Especially if he has children with her. I know I especially had to stop that thinking because maybe that's how other women was looking at me with those men. I am far from perfect but I do deserve to be happy with my man!!!

Back at the point at hand, my range of men vary. I've dated light skin, red bone, mixed, true black/blue, brown, caramel complexed men. Tall or short. Pretty teeth or crooked as a crook teeth. Or even the chubby ones. I believe you should really enjoy a great personality! That's what all my men had in common, a personality. The physical attribute is always a plus but that isn't the number one key characteristic that you need to rely on. All the men I've dated made me laugh, smile and feel special.

A woman wants to of course feel special, comfortable, and most importantly wanted. Even if I didn't get all those in one, I did enjoy it while it lasted regardless of the outcome. Every situation and relationship is a lesson learned. Trust me I've learned A LOT plus I'm still learning.

Now don't get me wrong, there are some physical attributes that I find sexy as hell! Such as pretty teeth, a wonderful smile, bedroom eyes, height, MUSCLES, tattoos and hygiene. But sometimes those things aren't always in that package that I received but I accept NO EXCEPTIONS for hygiene!!! I refused to date a nasty ass man!!! LOL. Boys will be boys but boo I NEED A MAN! So with all this being said, I'm officially saying I love them all. Sexiness come in all races and personalities!!

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Practicing Patience

You may look at me and see me as a normal person without hardly any flaws. Life is in some kind of order. Mind is focus and maintained. Beyond all that I'm very much flawed, insane, actually screaming in silence.
What you fail to understand is in fact I'm a normal woman but I don't have "normal" problems. Everyone is different, everyone have their own issues and daily headaches. But for me right now, I have too many obstacles. The Lord has blessed me with numerous blessings but at the same time, the devil is just as busy trying to destroy my soul. He wants me to give up; to simply give in. There is a spiritual war going inside both you and I. It all comes down to who's side you're going to take.

For the past two years, I have been making a visual board of the things I want to accomplish, things I want do, and places I want to go. But this year I decided I needed to take that down, I need to start from scratch, I need new ideas along with my new attitude. I need to actually do these things I want to accomplish by just doing them. Everyone have short and long term goals but for me, my goals make me who I am. They help me mature, gain knowledge and want more out of life. My goals are what makes me drive my ambitious attitude to the max!

I am a true believer your success is determined by how many obstacles you've surpassed. And let's just say I have my share of obstacles. I'm still til this day am working on my past obstacles that I need to work on daily. I am like every woman that have "baggage" from previous experiences. But unlike most, I don't hold my "baggage" towards new and exciting experiences. I am a work in progress! Like I said two years ago I had that accomplishment wall and I have crossed off quite a few goals. But one of the things that I couldn't visually put up on the wall was a prayer.

I asked God to teach me patience. Little did I know what they meant when people warned me, "Be careful what you pray for." I just believed if you go to God with a burden, he'll see fit in his time to bless you and take that burden within himself. But I soon and later discovered God had plans for me. I was living my life financially carelessly, my relationships was nonchalantly put to the side, partying was overwhelming and not having a care in the world because I felt as though I had time. I had plenty enough time because I'm single, sexy and free! But God had plans for me.

God saw the way I carried myself, relationships, money and attitude. I guess he decided he needed to humble me, make me grateful and appreciative. God took away my pride, money, men, dreams, hope and some freedom. He humbled me. Now when I say he took away those things from me, I mean he gave quickly and took just as quickly. I thought my shit didn't stink and I could live my life the way I wanted. He broke me down to build me up. He provided new blessings. He made me open my eyes more to different people, places and things. He gave me the will to be stronger. He made me the woman I am today.

When I think about what God has done for me, I cry. I cry tears of happiness, not pain. I could have taken a different route and ended somewhere else. I never followed, always lead and because of that, I lead myself to greatness. I was so far at the bottom, I thought I'll never see the top. I cried, stressed, worried, cried, got depressed, had low self esteem all while incorporating more and more people and problems into my life. I never gave myself time to heal. I would physically feel myself getting sicker because of the stress and lack of's. I couldn't see the top.

I had to mentally and emotionally build myself up to the person I am today. Now when people look at me, they can see that I'm beautiful, I'm special. A lot of men can say they've never met a woman like me. When I tell people that I'm not that average chick, I mean it! I am that phenomenal woman that Maya Angelou was talking about. I been through and seen so much in such a little amount of time. I'm still learning everyday. But one thing for sure and two things for certain, I am blessed and truly grateful. I'm happy but not completely. There are still some things that I'm waiting on the Lord to bless me with.

I am flawed but that's what makes me perfect. People see me for me now. Not as someone whom they can read. I'm mysterious, quiet and challenging. I have an aura about myself that demands respect. I am a Queen in my own mind. A goddess past her prime. I am a biologist, a poet, a writer, a lover, a leader and an activist. But most importantly, I am God's child! Perfectly imperfect! Hello world, my name is Jamale.

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Love Lost

Hello World,

As many as you all can tell, I've had my share of 808's and Heartbreaks from my previous poems that I've expressed to you all. That's just a tad bit of poetry that I have come to terms to express to the world. I have well over 200 poems that I have written through out my years. I use to get urges of deep thoughts that needed to be expressed through words. Hence the start of my poetry. My poetry like my spoken words have become my inner me, my soul, my deep dark conscience that keeps yelling from within. It's ultimately my shy, childish girl that wants to slowing grow up to become that woman of great dignity. But I'm afraid......

When I say I'm afraid, I mean I'm afraid of life's consequences. I've never been afraid of any man, woman or child but I'm afraid to love again. A lot of people fall in and out of love everyday, always carrying that baggage of what could have been. Basically the "what ifs." I too was once a victim of that plague of worrying of what "could have been" if only we still were. I'm tired of that all! I'm tired of worrying about the past, the present and sure as hell the future. I did in fact make a promise to myself a long time ago that when I love, I'm going to love hard. I want that person whom I adore to know that love them not just by saying it in words but by the kiss that I place on their lips. I want the intensity to be felt through the flesh that we both posse.

For years, I only frustrated myself because I felt as though I'm a "hopeless romantic", but why can't I have my cake and eat it too? Why can't I be fully happy with one person who truly adores, loves, cherish and loves only me?? Why is it so damn hard to find a decent man in this world??? I'm beyond frustrated, I'm pissed off! I wanted to question God for a moment but then I had to catch myself and calm down...... I had to relax and let my frustrations go and leave them at the alter, where I lay my burdens down. I had to talk it out with different friends, coworkers and my mother. I had to listen to sound advice and take it, not with a grain of salt. I actually listened......

Afterwards, in 2007, I found myself changing. My mentality was forming into something inhuman. Not lady like. I was carrying my attitude with such confidence like nothing faded me. I was "thinking" like a man and carrying myself like a lady. I had wanted what I wanted and did what I wanted. I truly thought that I'll eventually, hopefully fall in love but not as willing. I'll just play the game on repeat like any other man. In the long run, I got burned. My soul, body and especially mind was extremely exhausted. I played the game only to find myself loosing and letting the defeat slap me in my face, numerous times. I gave up, I gave in.

In 2008, I again made a promise to myself. Not let my flesh interfere with my thought process. I need a clear conscience if I'm going to "love again." Who the hell was I fooling? How can I ever see or feel love if no one is willing to love? I've come to the breaking point. As some people will call it my breakthrough. NO I didn't find love, in fact, I'm starting to believe that I won't. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked God why and how can this happen? Why are some of my friends married, have boyfriends or even kids? When will my ounce of happiness come? I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted. It's like I've been stabbed by each lover in a different location of my body and I'm slowly bleeding out. Slowing internally dying....

I had a little talk with Jesus this month and I literally raised my head and voice to the high heavens and told him, I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH LOVE! When I say I meant it, I meant it! Why try to hold onto an idea of love when it seems as though it's never going to be given to me? To be so young, my heart is so old and over worked. I use to love, I use to love hard but my soul, heart and mind can't take another 808 and heartbreak.........I've lost hope in love.

My Loc Journey

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