The Ugly Duckling

I've always thought I was different from most girls. I've never fit in the crowds. I've never wanted the same things. I've always strived for the better things in life. I wanted to live loud, free and worry less. But I was always pushed to the background in my younger days stepped over or looked down upon.

Some may know me personally and others my not but one thing for sure is I have insecurities just like any other woman. But mines go deeper than most. My parents always told me how beautiful I was, how smart I was or how proud they were of me but I lacked those compliments from others. Girls gain their confidence and attitude based on what their peers feed them. I was always the smart, nerdy girl whom was quiet but I was always overweight. Due to all those attributes I gained low self esteem and no attention growing up. Now I did have some pretty cool friends but in a way I was kind of jealous of them. I wanted the cute boyfriends, the nicest clothes, the weekend trips to different places, the funny extended family. I thought I was missing something growing up. I didn't realize how much my parents sacrificed, gave into, or provided so I could be the woman I am today.

Growing up my self esteem was low. I thought I was ugly, a weird child, a nerd.....a soul lost. I wasn't light skin with pretty eyes, my hair wasnt flowing down my back, I didn't develop my body shape as quickly, I wore baggy clothes, I still did things I thought was "normal" for my age group. I was always competing with myself to be better than the next girl. And none of the video vixens they had in the videos didn't help my esteem any better. I wanted for once to be that "girl" that everyone wanted, talked about or hung around. I felt as though I was that "ugly duckling" that was in that story. I was black, ugly and looked down upon by those didnt know or understand me. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted those thoughts to go away. I never did anything to hurt myself but I did find myself seeking within. I only talked when I felt as though it was safe because I didn't want the attention. I only wanted to do things that I felt was cool to do because I didn't want to feel like I was "behind" the times by those that didn't understand me. I looked at myself in the mirror plenty of nights and cried. I wanted to be different. I wanted to change what I looked like. I wanted to be another Jamale. I really wanted to be lighter like my mother but with lighter colored eyes. What's so funny is at one point in time, I wanted to wear only light colored contact contacts. I envied my cousins on my materal side of the family for having that long brown hair flowing against their yellow complexed skin. But little did I know, one of my cousins felt like the black sheep in the family because she was too light. I never thought of that dilemia until one day she expressed that concern to me. Self hate was a disease that needed to be cured but I had no solution.........

After long nights of crying myself to sleep because of self haterated, I realized years later how much the world was actually tearing me down. I was allowing the boy's fantasies, wants and desires to control my thoughts. I was allowing the "in crowd" girls hold that glory of the lime light. I was allowing magazines, videos and ad's tell me how I "should" look, what size I should be and what I was missing. I was killing my soul, my spirit, myself......Once I started seeing myself as a being that God has made, I opened myself. I allowed myself to love me. I dont remember when the change happened exactly but once it started I was so relieved. My smile changed (braces), my attitude changed ( hung around positive people), my clothing changed (brought my own clothes) my lifestyle changed(socially active) and my mind changed (praying and listening to God more). I slowly increased my self esteem and accepting me for me. I was slowly falling in love with myself because I saw not that ugly duckling that turned into a swan, I saw potential. A potential friend, lover, spouse, mother, LEADER! Wow a leader, I thought. I didn't realize that I was an acutually leader. People flocked towards me. They loved me. They adored me. They simply accepted me. Not everyone did throughout my years but hell thats life. But what's most important, I dont cry no more because of my self image. I cry because I'm happy. I'm so overwhelmed with joy and priceless pride. I still do have my "insecurities" that deprive me of some happiness every now and then that I'm still battling. I'm now leaving those things to God. I can't change everything about myself but I can work on me to better me. No one will ever love me harder more than God and myself.

I am flawed tremedously but thats what makes me me. Thats what makes me who I achieve NOT to be everyday. That what makes people love or hate me. Thats what people accept, my flaws. I am a person who deserves to be loved, adored and cared for. I deserve the finner things in life just as equally or much as the next light skin/red bone African American woman. God made me and I can't change myself. No matter how much plastic surgery, make up, products I could use I'll still have the same worries, feelings and fears. Thats why I've finally came to the terms of accepting ME, the Swan.