Hello God, can you hear me??

"Prayer is easy, keeping the faith is hard."

I'm staring at the black keys on my laptop, a million and one thoughts running through my head but I'm overwhelmed with so much hope. Hope doesn't come easy now a days since it's been slowly rationed out.  Don't get me wrong, there is a different between hope and faith. According to the Dictionary, hope is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.", while faith is defined as "confidence or trust in a person or thing."  You see the difference? Hope is a feeling or desire while faith is confidence!

It took me about two years to get confident in God. I've always believed in Him but I never really relied on Him until my world was turned upside down. I've lost jobs, friends, opportunities and self confidence.  I was speaking death into my life; telling myself I couldn't do a lot of things. My mom would always tell me that I was doing wrong and I needed to keep my faith but my harsh realities always reminded me how "bad" my situations were. It's funny how God take everything from you to give you what you deserve.

God is someone who doesn't give blessings out for free. You have to deserve your blessings by learning from your previous lessons and experiences. Every time, I wanted to move, spend some crazy amount of money, take a trip out of town/country, go back to school and/or get lavish gifts, God would deny me. I mean seriously leave me for broke, max out my credit cards, have people cancel plans and take away a job.  I was devastated. I thought if God truly loved me, why would he deny me all the things that I wanted?? That's the thing it was a "want". God only gives you what you need and deserve.










The hardest thing was to see my friends and family constantly get blessings like jobs, cars, houses, marriages, children, scholorships, tution reimburstment, money and the list goes on. And what tripped me out the most was when they complained about things not going the way they wanted it to be while I hoped to one day have what they had.  But God favors the faithful!

Faith wasn't easy to come by. I had to not only encourage myself but others around me.  The most time consuming thing is to listen on the phone or in person to someone crying, cursing and angry for any reason.  I want to be there for people, God has given me that gift but sometimes I wanted to smack sense in my family and friends.  The problem with a lot of us, is that we consider ourselves believers but we have lost the hope.  Forget the faith, thats no existent.  How do I know, I was once them. 

It was a time, when I just wanted to give up and give in to everything. I could have been homeless and had no care in the world and I would have been happy.  But I was pushed....pushed into my destiny.  I took a class at church that focused on spending time with God every day, learning scriptures, have group conversations with a bunch of women and letting them know all my buisness.  That for me was a huge challenge!  I stopped trusting women years ago after a close friend stopped being my friend.  It might sound elementary but it's just like your first heartbreak from your first love.  You never forget that pain.  I'll never forget both! God pushed me to speak to these women, "let my hair down" and release my guard.  They were there to listen, not to judge.  I'm so proud to say they are now my covenant sisters.That class taught me that God need to be in the center of my life inorder to get the blessings that I needed.  With alot of prayer, denials, crying night (even days) and true friends, I was able to get over the worst. 

My life isn't a crystal staircase now, it's even harder as my faith have gotten stronger.  But I'm writing this because at one point in time I questioned God's motives.  I seriously thought that I was being punished for all the wild, freaky things I did in the past.  But He was actually teaching me that I have to be stronger by denying my wants. Like the famous quote states, "you never know how strong you are until you have nothing but God." I'm still weak. I still occasionally curse, have a sip of wine, hang out with bad inflences, doubt myself and I don't pray EVERY day but I am happy.  I know I'll always be a sinner but I finally have faith. I'm stronger because I believe God has finally heard me! 

Updates!!!

Well Hello Young World!!!

First and foremost please allow me to say I'm truly sorry for the lack of blogs but a woman has been super busy. So like the title states, let me give you updates in what I'm doing with myself. The whole month of July I took a 5 week Microbiology course at my local community college. For those who don't know, I do have my BS in Biology so you all are probably thinking, "Jamale why are you taking a summer course then??" Well I'm trying to better myself and further my education. Therefore, meaning I want to go back to school silly!

Back in May 2010, I decided that I wanted to take another route of my life and apply my skills and apply to nursing school. I applied to one school in Virginia and that didn't work out. But I didn't stop there. I took $560 out of my pocket and paid for that class. It was a little harsh but much needed for me to apply for the next nursing school which is located in North Carolina!!! So yes boys and girls, if I do get accepted into the school, I will be relocated to North Carolina. (I'm nervous as hell!!!) So with all that being said, after I took the Microbiology course, which I received an A in, I had to send out all those papers, get a physical, get blood work and get shots, I was busy preparing for my future.

Currently, I'm starting back my bibical course that I'm taking at church and along with my community actitivities this upcoming fall. Like always, I love to keep myself busy. So it'll be many meetings, assessments, community events, volunteering and donation for me the next four months. *whew* I'm tired already just thinking about it all. LOL. Also I have seriously been "vlogging" on Youtube so I do more speaking now then typing but I'm back on here. So with all that, that's where I've been and preparing for.

I have still been doing my nails and hair, I just have been too busy/lazy to sit down at this PC and add any photos to this site. I know, I know, I'm horrible but I'm back at it like a crack addict. So I'm going to add them all at once and let them distrube on their own daily. So please bare with me. Thats all I have so far for you guys. I hope you all like the upcoming subjects, pics and poetry that I have for you all. Enjoy....

Jamale

Video

When I first saw this def poetry video, I cried! I know alot of you probably thinking I'm crazy as hell but I'm dead serious! I felt the same pain and spoke the same words as her. I haven't seen this video in years but it came to my mind to go find it on YouTube so I wanted to share this with you all. This video is dedicated to all those who have loved and lost! Enjoy!

Feeling good, Feeling great.....How are you???

Have you ever woke up one morning knowing you're going to be late for work or you're not really ready to go to work but you feel good??? Well that's how I feel today, I woke up not really feeling the motivation to get up and go to work. Now a days, I'm so like *blah* about going to work because I want so much more out of where I'm working. I'm very grateful and happy that I have my job but I wish sometimes I had a little more perks.

Anyway, while shutting the door to lock it, I noticed that my brother (pictured above with me) had the hood up to the car. He calls the car Eleanor so I asked him what was wrong with "her"? He looked up at me, mad as sh!t because the car wouldn't start. Right then and there, I wished that I could just run to his rescue and tell him forget the car and lets go to the dealership and pick out any car that he wanted. Yea I have a huge imagination but one of these days, I'll be able to do such adventurous things. Yesterday, he called me at work to ask him to pick up after work because the car didn't want to start. "Eleanor" sometimes have a mind of her own and she wants to start up whenever she wants. Now this is an older car (1996 Hyundai Elantra) so it'll have it's moments. But this wasn't the moment for her to be acting up. My brother had to make it to work because he had a meeting and where he works at, it's not really Metro accessible. So I understand and feel his pain. Luckily, if he needed me to pick him up or take him to work, we work nearly 25 mins down the street from each other.

What took me back a little later today was I was able to help my brother when he actually needed me. I know some of you all like, umm isn't that what you're suppose to be for your siblings but you don't understand. It's been times when I didn't have the means to help my brothers with anything almost a year ago. I've struggled and I'm still struggling but at least God has blessed me with a new car to help with little things. My brother and I both took the train in today to work. I sat next to him and blogged while he listened to his music. I smiled because through my blessings I'm blessing him. Even though it was something as simple as a ride to the Metro station, I'm there to help him. I don't really sit back and realize how much I help the little people. I work with patients that need mental help and I'm so excited to see their smiles on their face or the happiness in their stride after someone helped them without judgement.

I later sent both of my brothers a "I love you" text. Just a little thought to let them know that I am here for them no matter what. I love them more today than anything because all the drama and madness we've been through together. Sometimes you just have to take the time to tell your family how much you love or miss them and I did just that. I do get to see my older brother at least five times a month. He has his own family and responsibilities that he's taking care of so he can't always be around but he is always there for me when need be. So I decided that I've decided that I'll send out some emails and texts today just to see how my people is doing. I'm just feeling good, feeling great!!!!! Usually when I'm feeling extremely happy but nervous, I know God is blessing me :-) My break through is about to happen. I can feel it!!!

Practicing Patience

You may look at me and see me as a normal person without hardly any flaws. Life is in some kind of order. Mind is focus and maintained. Beyond all that I'm very much flawed, insane, actually screaming in silence.
What you fail to understand is in fact I'm a normal woman but I don't have "normal" problems. Everyone is different, everyone have their own issues and daily headaches. But for me right now, I have too many obstacles. The Lord has blessed me with numerous blessings but at the same time, the devil is just as busy trying to destroy my soul. He wants me to give up; to simply give in. There is a spiritual war going inside both you and I. It all comes down to who's side you're going to take.

For the past two years, I have been making a visual board of the things I want to accomplish, things I want do, and places I want to go. But this year I decided I needed to take that down, I need to start from scratch, I need new ideas along with my new attitude. I need to actually do these things I want to accomplish by just doing them. Everyone have short and long term goals but for me, my goals make me who I am. They help me mature, gain knowledge and want more out of life. My goals are what makes me drive my ambitious attitude to the max!

I am a true believer your success is determined by how many obstacles you've surpassed. And let's just say I have my share of obstacles. I'm still til this day am working on my past obstacles that I need to work on daily. I am like every woman that have "baggage" from previous experiences. But unlike most, I don't hold my "baggage" towards new and exciting experiences. I am a work in progress! Like I said two years ago I had that accomplishment wall and I have crossed off quite a few goals. But one of the things that I couldn't visually put up on the wall was a prayer.

I asked God to teach me patience. Little did I know what they meant when people warned me, "Be careful what you pray for." I just believed if you go to God with a burden, he'll see fit in his time to bless you and take that burden within himself. But I soon and later discovered God had plans for me. I was living my life financially carelessly, my relationships was nonchalantly put to the side, partying was overwhelming and not having a care in the world because I felt as though I had time. I had plenty enough time because I'm single, sexy and free! But God had plans for me.

God saw the way I carried myself, relationships, money and attitude. I guess he decided he needed to humble me, make me grateful and appreciative. God took away my pride, money, men, dreams, hope and some freedom. He humbled me. Now when I say he took away those things from me, I mean he gave quickly and took just as quickly. I thought my shit didn't stink and I could live my life the way I wanted. He broke me down to build me up. He provided new blessings. He made me open my eyes more to different people, places and things. He gave me the will to be stronger. He made me the woman I am today.

When I think about what God has done for me, I cry. I cry tears of happiness, not pain. I could have taken a different route and ended somewhere else. I never followed, always lead and because of that, I lead myself to greatness. I was so far at the bottom, I thought I'll never see the top. I cried, stressed, worried, cried, got depressed, had low self esteem all while incorporating more and more people and problems into my life. I never gave myself time to heal. I would physically feel myself getting sicker because of the stress and lack of's. I couldn't see the top.

I had to mentally and emotionally build myself up to the person I am today. Now when people look at me, they can see that I'm beautiful, I'm special. A lot of men can say they've never met a woman like me. When I tell people that I'm not that average chick, I mean it! I am that phenomenal woman that Maya Angelou was talking about. I been through and seen so much in such a little amount of time. I'm still learning everyday. But one thing for sure and two things for certain, I am blessed and truly grateful. I'm happy but not completely. There are still some things that I'm waiting on the Lord to bless me with.

I am flawed but that's what makes me perfect. People see me for me now. Not as someone whom they can read. I'm mysterious, quiet and challenging. I have an aura about myself that demands respect. I am a Queen in my own mind. A goddess past her prime. I am a biologist, a poet, a writer, a lover, a leader and an activist. But most importantly, I am God's child! Perfectly imperfect! Hello world, my name is Jamale.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

WHY DO YOU TWEET???

A lot of people are jumping on the bang wagon of Twitter! At first I was thinking, what the hell is Twitter?? Oh Lord not another website like Facebook, Myspace or Tagged! Boooooooooooo. I was one day looking on Karrine Steffans page and I noticed she kept talking about Twitter. I thought it sounded sooooo weird. LOL. But I did also hear it from my friend Loryn that she has a Twitter page also. So with one click from Karrine's page, I was on Twitter.

Back in June last year, I went to Atlanta with my mother. I love, love ATL! In fact, I'm planning to move down there in 3 yrs. but that's another subject. I took a lot of pictures while I was down there with my mom. I find myself to very photogenic so I love sharing my pictures with my friends. But when I was on Facebook, a lot of people was having problems with me posting pics of them while their out and about with me. I'm like "what the hell? Then why did you act that way or do this when you was with me??" Facebook has been kind of a sneaky way to spy on your employee's by seeing what they do outside of work. It has been proven that a lot of employers base their decisions of unemployment from Facebook. So some of my friends were very fearful of what their employers will see, hence I'll get complaints about the pictures.

Another problem I had on Facebook was hate! There was quite few people hating on the fact that I was finally able to spend my time in different vacations spots all over the U.S. That shocked me how people can hate so easily because you were blessed to have the opportunity to enjoy life to the fullest. Or I could tell people was being spies and trying to see how,why and when you hang around certain people. The company I keep is my business!!! Why is it up to you to spy on the things I do with my friends or pressed to see who I'm talking to next?? Females crack me up. Beefs happen all because people are in other people's business. I was constantly having to defend myself even though I hardly went out to any parties, clubs or get togethers. So riddle me this, how in the hell do drama always seem to find me?? Nothing but the devil. LOL

Myspace was initially pretty cool. I loved the fact that I can make this page a reflection of me. I could blog and post feelings on my page if I wanted to. I had plenty of pictures of there at my consent and just like Facebook, if you weren't my '"friend" then you get no access to see what I'm working with. LOL. Myspace was fun but then again it was a true jump off place. Too many people were hooking up, tyring to hook up, being killed, raped or bullied over this website. It was was getting out of control!!!! I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Blackplanet was another website which at one point in time we quite fun!!! I would find myself on there all the time, up to wee hours of the night in college. I've met two guys from there that later became my boyfriends. The Internet is funny. Yea I have no problem telling anyone that I've dated someone off the Internet!! It wasn't intentional but it was cool. Late Blackplanet to me became a breeding ground for STD's and HIV. Too many people were coming to me like I was some type of whore or jump off. Sending me the most nastiest messages I could ever imagine!!! I would get all the censored messages all because they find my lips so damn sexy and want to put them to use. WTF??? Pure Ignorance!!! Plus I was having guys whom wanted to be my "boyfriend" so bad that they was finding ways to talk to me and if I didn't reply they would curse me out. I had to get off there quick!

Lastly, Tagged was another website that my past coworkers was on. I really didn't understand that website so I wasn't on there too long. I didn't meet anyone nor did I want to. It was boring and useless. So I was on there for a little bit of time and closed that page out before my Facebooka, Myspace and Blackplanet page. *Shhhheeeewwww*

Twitter was a new experience. I didn't understand it yet but I would soon learn that Twitter was a great place! Since September 2008, I've been on Twitter. At first I would only speak to certain people because I didn't know how to find other people but now boy oh boy, I'm loving Twitter!!! I'm on there everyday because it's a fun place for me. On my bad days and on my good days, people seem to be there for me. Some of the people I don't know personally but you gain a relationship with those follow and those that follow you. I've networked with a lot of people and enjoyed plenty of convos! I've interacted with some celebs and common folk like myself. Twitter have some of the most finest men in this world and they too love the convos!!! I most tweet because people get to know and understand me. I can write this blog and express how I feel but no one will really understand me unless they experience my random thoughts, music and links. I love to share because I love people I'm a social butterfly in a way but I am also very shy. I tweet because I can learn so much from random people that's just as open as I am with their lives. So with that being said, I tweet because you as an audience can learn to love or hate the real me. SIMPLE.