I'm staring at the black keys on my laptop, a million and one thoughts running through my head but I'm overwhelmed with so much hope. Hope doesn't come easy now a days since it's been slowly rationed out. Don't get me wrong, there is a different between hope and faith. According to the Dictionary, hope is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.", while faith is defined as "confidence or trust in a person or thing." You see the difference? Hope is a feeling or desire while faith is confidence!
It took me about two years to get confident in God. I've always believed in Him but I never really relied on Him until my world was turned upside down. I've lost jobs, friends, opportunities and self confidence. I was speaking death into my life; telling myself I couldn't do a lot of things. My mom would always tell me that I was doing wrong and I needed to keep my faith but my harsh realities always reminded me how "bad" my situations were. It's funny how God take everything from you to give you what you deserve.
God is someone who doesn't give blessings out for free. You have to deserve your blessings by learning from your previous lessons and experiences. Every time, I wanted to move, spend some crazy amount of money, take a trip out of town/country, go back to school and/or get lavish gifts, God would deny me. I mean seriously leave me for broke, max out my credit cards, have people cancel plans and take away a job. I was devastated. I thought if God truly loved me, why would he deny me all the things that I wanted?? That's the thing it was a "want". God only gives you what you need and deserve.
The hardest thing was to see my friends and family constantly get blessings like jobs, cars, houses, marriages, children, scholorships, tution reimburstment, money and the list goes on. And what tripped me out the most was when they complained about things not going the way they wanted it to be while I hoped to one day have what they had. But God favors the faithful!
Faith wasn't easy to come by. I had to not only encourage myself but others around me. The most time consuming thing is to listen on the phone or in person to someone crying, cursing and angry for any reason. I want to be there for people, God has given me that gift but sometimes I wanted to smack sense in my family and friends. The problem with a lot of us, is that we consider ourselves believers but we have lost the hope. Forget the faith, thats no existent. How do I know, I was once them.
It was a time, when I just wanted to give up and give in to everything. I could have been homeless and had no care in the world and I would have been happy. But I was pushed....pushed into my destiny. I took a class at church that focused on spending time with God every day, learning scriptures, have group conversations with a bunch of women and letting them know all my buisness. That for me was a huge challenge! I stopped trusting women years ago after a close friend stopped being my friend. It might sound elementary but it's just like your first heartbreak from your first love. You never forget that pain. I'll never forget both! God pushed me to speak to these women, "let my hair down" and release my guard. They were there to listen, not to judge. I'm so proud to say they are now my covenant sisters.That class taught me that God need to be in the center of my life inorder to get the blessings that I needed. With alot of prayer, denials, crying night (even days) and true friends, I was able to get over the worst.
My life isn't a crystal staircase now, it's even harder as my faith have gotten stronger. But I'm writing this because at one point in time I questioned God's motives. I seriously thought that I was being punished for all the wild, freaky things I did in the past. But He was actually teaching me that I have to be stronger by denying my wants. Like the famous quote states, "you never know how strong you are until you have nothing but God." I'm still weak. I still occasionally curse, have a sip of wine, hang out with bad inflences, doubt myself and I don't pray EVERY day but I am happy. I know I'll always be a sinner but I finally have faith. I'm stronger because I believe God has finally heard me!
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