Love Lost

Hello World,

As many as you all can tell, I've had my share of 808's and Heartbreaks from my previous poems that I've expressed to you all. That's just a tad bit of poetry that I have come to terms to express to the world. I have well over 200 poems that I have written through out my years. I use to get urges of deep thoughts that needed to be expressed through words. Hence the start of my poetry. My poetry like my spoken words have become my inner me, my soul, my deep dark conscience that keeps yelling from within. It's ultimately my shy, childish girl that wants to slowing grow up to become that woman of great dignity. But I'm afraid......

When I say I'm afraid, I mean I'm afraid of life's consequences. I've never been afraid of any man, woman or child but I'm afraid to love again. A lot of people fall in and out of love everyday, always carrying that baggage of what could have been. Basically the "what ifs." I too was once a victim of that plague of worrying of what "could have been" if only we still were. I'm tired of that all! I'm tired of worrying about the past, the present and sure as hell the future. I did in fact make a promise to myself a long time ago that when I love, I'm going to love hard. I want that person whom I adore to know that love them not just by saying it in words but by the kiss that I place on their lips. I want the intensity to be felt through the flesh that we both posse.

For years, I only frustrated myself because I felt as though I'm a "hopeless romantic", but why can't I have my cake and eat it too? Why can't I be fully happy with one person who truly adores, loves, cherish and loves only me?? Why is it so damn hard to find a decent man in this world??? I'm beyond frustrated, I'm pissed off! I wanted to question God for a moment but then I had to catch myself and calm down...... I had to relax and let my frustrations go and leave them at the alter, where I lay my burdens down. I had to talk it out with different friends, coworkers and my mother. I had to listen to sound advice and take it, not with a grain of salt. I actually listened......

Afterwards, in 2007, I found myself changing. My mentality was forming into something inhuman. Not lady like. I was carrying my attitude with such confidence like nothing faded me. I was "thinking" like a man and carrying myself like a lady. I had wanted what I wanted and did what I wanted. I truly thought that I'll eventually, hopefully fall in love but not as willing. I'll just play the game on repeat like any other man. In the long run, I got burned. My soul, body and especially mind was extremely exhausted. I played the game only to find myself loosing and letting the defeat slap me in my face, numerous times. I gave up, I gave in.

In 2008, I again made a promise to myself. Not let my flesh interfere with my thought process. I need a clear conscience if I'm going to "love again." Who the hell was I fooling? How can I ever see or feel love if no one is willing to love? I've come to the breaking point. As some people will call it my breakthrough. NO I didn't find love, in fact, I'm starting to believe that I won't. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked God why and how can this happen? Why are some of my friends married, have boyfriends or even kids? When will my ounce of happiness come? I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted. It's like I've been stabbed by each lover in a different location of my body and I'm slowly bleeding out. Slowing internally dying....

I had a little talk with Jesus this month and I literally raised my head and voice to the high heavens and told him, I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH LOVE! When I say I meant it, I meant it! Why try to hold onto an idea of love when it seems as though it's never going to be given to me? To be so young, my heart is so old and over worked. I use to love, I use to love hard but my soul, heart and mind can't take another 808 and heartbreak.........I've lost hope in love.