Trying to Raise A "Man"

I've tried to raise a man overnight. You see I saw something in this "man" that I thought no one else saw. What I was neglected to be informed about is that in fact this "man" was broken...broken beyond repair.

  Here he is a lost child, prematurely aborted from the womb. Never really having a nipple to suck, for someone to stroke his kind face at night while singing lully bys within his ear.  This young boy was forced to become a young man. Out there hustling on the streets, reaching out to shake the next man hand. Forced to learn to protect ya neck and never let another man catch you slippin. He was never really taught that not every young girl is clean and she will live off your dollar and dream. Spreading your seeds within a garden, producing not one but two. Forcing a young boy to become a man.

   You see you don't really understand. This "man" said I love you like it was the lyrics to a new rap song. Being played within my mind over and over again only to become a curse. A disease that I ran from. A haunting spirit that won't leave me alone. Your words run through my mind only to bring up a constant hurt and physical pain. I gave and I gave only to be left with a fucked up heart and nothing to gain. He thought he could silence me with those soft gentle lips and deep stroke guided with hips. But that never stops the voices that has a constant chit chatter of memories as you told me that you fucked your baby mama....Damn...

    I thought we were better than that. I thought that you were my Dick and I was your Jane. I thought you were ready to have a real woman in your life. Someone who held your back while you cried wolf. Someone who loved you unconditionally even when you really didn't love yourself. Someone who wanted to give you the world because you wanted to give her the moon too. I was ready to give it to you all but apparently I meant nothing to you.

     You were forced to become a "man" because everyone laughed at you. You were looked at as soft. Not realizing that not all good guys finish last. When will you wake up and see how much you mean to me? You're too busy in the streets tying to live off that next dollar and dream. Wanting to be a star player in the NFL, having all the fly clothes, cars and hoes. You wanted to live the ballers life! Not really understanding that it takes time to get all these things you want overnight. You see you have to vision my love. You have to work hard and stop being a perve.

      Your dick won't get you far. It's only so much you can get until you have everyone else around you that's a "get wit." Lusting over dreams, preparing your lips for the next jay full of weed while tapping your feet on the carpet floor. Throw back your hair as you take the first puff. As you pop that E pill. As you sip on that clear burning substance. You drift away....Away into a land that you can't be reached. A land full of loud music, constant tears and full of pain. I can't help you because you can't hear me.

      I tried to fix a man that will always be broken. His wounds was too deep to be healed. His eyes were always filled with tears. His heart always consumed with pride. His stomach is always empty right along with his pockets. His dick was always ready to explode. He's a young man slowly turning old.

        I tried to raise a boy to a man only to realize that a man won't change until change find him. When his nights become cold, his practices become habits, his white lies become truth. When his daughters become women. When he realize his shit was never really together. When he realize he could have had a better life if I kept him. When he's ready to become a man.....

I lost my mind just a week ago

I was on my way to a birthday party out in Baltimore, MD when I saw the sign for I95N to New York. The exit ramp was coming up when I realized that I was in the wrong lane. But what if I took that exit? Seriously what if???

See what you fail to understand I have the world damn near on my back. My neck and upper back is so tensed that I doubt a massage will do any justice. My lower back is in pain. I'm suffering from headaches more often. My attitude is now not accepting any tolerance. You see I'm beyond fed up with the bull. I'm not the next mad black woman. I'm bitter as hell!!

My sister in law and myself was having a crying session just a few hours before I went to the birthday party. I was pouring my heart out to her about all my pain. About how my heart hurt so much from loving people so hard. Basically she was my doctor at my time of need and told me that I care for people too much. I expect for people to care for me just as much as I do. All while in the mean time I have lost myself in the process. Her words was breathtaking but so true!!! It was a great example of a "a hah" moment. That's it. Now I know why I'm mad as hell at the world.

I get so mad at myself for falling in love over and over again, helping other people out, listening to other people's problems, giving people money, encouraging motivating and pushing people. I tell myself all the time that God has put all of this in my heart and I can't help the way I feel. Yes that's true but God didn't make no dummy. He tells us to love one another just like He loved us, forgive but never forget and always be ready for reconciliation.  But don't loose yourself all in the end.

You see during this time of always being available for everyone else, I lost what I actually wanted to do. I didn't put myself first and tell people how I really felt with no apologies behind it. I thought before I talked and I always took everyone else into consideration. So my solution to this major problem is to put on my I don't care hat. I have to let all the BS go in my life and sincerely focus on what I want.

I lost my mind just a week ago because I lost myself. With time, patience, prayer and a plan I'll get to where I need to be. With my faith holding me up by my boot straps, things will change inner then outer. So next time I see that sign I'll be going to New York because I want to visit not to run away from the pain.

Let me tell you about these b!tches....

Yes ladies and gentleman that was the opening line of a conversation that I was about to have with my coworker. I gave the biggest *blank stare* that I could ever give him. I couldn't believe he thought that was OK to sat to me knowning that I'm a woman. Better yet, why did he think we were that close yet for him to start this conversation off like that.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm probably one of the coolest female friend you'll ever meet but you can not expect me to stand for that. I had to stop him in mid sentence and tell him while in my presence you can not call any woman a disrespectful name and think its OK with me. He proceeded to tell me that I don't know any of them so it shouldn't really affect me. "Ummm yes it does" was my reply. How do this man expect for me to allow him so freely call any woman a bitch blows my mind.

Needless to say he didn't want to share any of the story with me after I had to "correct" him from his true ignorance.  I couldn't believe he got so mad at me that he had to get up and pretend that he's going to take a bathroom break. But then I look up he goes out to talk to the other gentlemen out in the lobby at the situation. LOL. All I could do was shake my head and say a small prayer for him.

Ignorance is bliss.....