According to Webster's dictionary, love is "a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal tides; attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration, benevolence or common interests." But to me love starts with self. Self love is the greatest love of all time. How can you know where to start or how to love if you sure as hell can't love yourself. It took me years to discover the under lying love I have for myself. Growing up I have low self esteem. I was always the bigger girl in the class but smart. I had true friends that appreciated me for who I was but I never saw myself as such. Almost everyday when I was younger (even now) my father told me how beautiful I was (am), I would just smile and laugh. How did I know what love was?
My heart was first hurt and crushed at the age of 16 from my high school sweetheart. I loved that man all the way up to the current age of 30. For years we went back and forth and played with the thoughts of a future, children and marriage but it never happened. Last time I saw him, I looked into his eyes and fell right out of love with him. I first knew I was in love with him when I couldn't stand not looking into his eyes. His eyes told a story that had music in my head that I needed to hear. He had the most beautiful eyes a girl could fall in love with. Long eye lashes, light brown and deep. When he cheated on me in high school, I was crushed. I was walking around with a heavy burden on my shoulders and I didn't know how to shake it off. That was something I have never felt before him. It was only him who could change my feelings. That was my first time ever knowing how it feels to be love's fool. Now you may see that as "young love" but how is that so when many people have babies at that age, get married and stay together and make life time commitments. Granted a young girl's body isn't mature but her mind is. Love isn't complicated or complex, the people who say it or believe it makes it so.
Since my high school sweetheart, I've been in true love two other times. Each time I knew it was a deeper love than a like-love relationship. To me love is a combination of actions, emotions and commitment. I don't play around with that word unless I really mean it. When I love, I love hard and long. I'm committed to let that person know each and every day that I love them and I want them to see and feel that. Love is something that is felt and unconditional. I can't put restrictions how I should show that love. Love is affection expressed through actions and words. You can tell a person how much you love them until you show it. Love is having no doubt, fears or expectations. Love is not being able to go one day without talking or seeing that person regardless of how you feel about them or that argument y'all had the other day. Love is standing by that person right or wrong, having dedication and faith that it'll work out no matter what. Most importantly, love is blind. Love is meant to be felt and appreciated not neglected.
It took me years to truly and appreciate love for who and what it is. It's still a very sensitive subject for me because I need the other person to know love to me is like marriage. Once you love someone, those feelings never go away. You can fall out of love with that person but an admiration will always be there. No matter who comes before or after you, love is respect. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic that believes in an unwritten language between two people but I only know how to read, write and speak it. One of these days God will bless me with a man whom reflects me. A true mirror of my reflection. Until then, my love is on reserve, hold, on lock down. Love is meant to be shown, which it will be one day again for me....
