A heartless man

I can honestly say I've met my share of men. Some overwhelming, mean, rude, heartless, loving, caring, hopeless, etc. But nothing has prepared me for what I went through recently.....

I've have given a lot of thought to my upcoming relationships. I never want to be what I use to be. Cold and distant. I've missed my chance at love because of that once but never again I promised myself. I know underneath all that thick layer of skin, I'm a very loving and carefree person. Once I let my guard down, they do get to see that. But they always take that for granted. I thought that maybe if I give my heart another chance, I wont be blocking my upcoming blessings.

I've decided to share my intimate feelings about a man whom I've been wanting for a long time. I watched and waiting for this man for months. I did my research, made sure no one else was trying to take the bait and let things flow. I didn't want to seem desperate or crazy so good things come to those who wait. I waited patiently, dying to tell him how I really feel. I finally gotten my chance months ago. I spilled this man, my deep feelings. Everything that I been replaying in my mind, over and over again. I finally got it out! I felt relived once he knew the truth. At first he was taken back but flattered. Afterwards, we were inseparable. I had finally gotten the chance to selfishly have him for myself.

We of course like any other "couple" who first start to get to know each other, have their spats. No serious arguments but I never understood why this man never gave me information, simple information. It wasn't like I was trying to hack into his account and take all his money, have his baby and take over his life. I was intrigued about this man. I like older men and he was perfect. Little did I know this man was a lie. He was a secret which I felt wasn't right but I kept telling myself that I'm fine. Everything will work out in the end. I was lying to myself and God. It's amazing how God place people, places and things in your view to stop you from making the same mistake but I wanted to be hard headed. I put myself out there, mind, body and soul. Without hesitation, I always made myself "available." I was mentally setting aside time to spend with him but he wasn't doing the same. I gave without wanting anything in return. I loved unconditionally.

He hurt me really bad. To my soul. My core. He accused me of lying to him and I didn't. We never crossed that threshold of becoming one, boyfriend/girlfriend but he treated me as such and so did I. I wanted him so long, why would I bother with anything else? He completely cut me out of his life within a matter of hours. Deleted me like I meant nothing to him. Stated that I lied for no reason and I knew the real reason why he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I was crushed, clueless. How can you tell a person goodbye and don't explain to them why you don't want them anymore? I didn't just loose a lover but I lost a friend. I enjoyed his company, his masculinity, his jokes, smile, his stories. I was smitten in can say. But he didn't feel the same.

I can honestly say I don't know why we fell apart. He took my heart stomped on it, let it bleed and laughed in my face. He was someone I didn't really know. I thought this was a man who was ready to love but I was wrong. He clearly has some emotional/trust issues that I can not help him with. What he needs to do before he allows anyone else in his life is to understand true communication, definition of love and sacrifice. Those three things that he doesn't possess right now. I do and always will love the man whom I kept close to me. He was my secret, my prize, my trophy. It hurts but I rather had that experience then never. I learn from each and every experience. I prepares me for each battle that I conquer. In the past I would have said "fuck love" but I'm saying I'm ready to love again. I'm not letting that "baggage" affect my future. God blessed me by hurting me. It'll hurt for a little bit but it'll feel so much better once the storm is over.

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a teardrop." Anonymous

The "Sexy" Smoker

I titled this blog post "sexy smoker" because of a discussion I had with a male coworker of mines. I stated to him and his supervisor at work that I dated a smoker before and preferably not again. After them asking why I explained to them that whenever I kissed that guy I tasted the nicotine! I could have went home and brushed my teeth, woke up the next morning and still taste the cigarette!

My coworker whom I call "Superstar", said Megan Good smokes and he'll date her any day regardless of her bad smoking habit. That's something that I didn't understand. How can you look past that bad habit? Superstar said "because its MEGAN GOOD JAMALE!!!" Yea that's all fine and dandy but you have to look at how she'll look like in 5-10 years.

A lot of people look past this bad habit because its become accepted greatly in our community. I'm not going to lie, I have tried a cigarette when I was in the 7th grade. We all looked up to those "cool kids" growing up and saw that they were doing it, so it must have been ok, right? WRONG!!! From that first puff, I felt my lungs overwhelmed with smoke and I immediately started coughing. Soon after that I also was diagnosed with asthma so I knew my "smoking days" was over!

I was trying to explain to Superstar that even though Megan Good looks nice now, her habits don't! Superstar's supervisor stated that he dated a girl whom had smoked. He didn't mind it in the beginning but then later into the relationship he noticed that if she didn't get that cig, she would be a complete BITCH! I shook my head in agreement. I have family members whom smoked since the rip ages of 11-15 and now well in their 70's. I have noticed if they don't get that cigarette, they have the worse attitude and headache until they get that cigarette.

Have you ever noticed that when the smokers go outside during a break how relived/happy they are once that cigarette is lightened and smoke is inhaled? That's what kills me. That one little cancer stick give you that much joy? Why can't people just get high off life? Enjoy what God has placed here on Earth for them naturally. I never want to be looked at sideways because of a heavy addiction such as smoking. To me, women who smokes disgust me. No offense but how can you claim that to be cute?

Beauty is something that we're blessed with when we're born. Beauty isn't something that is seen physically but also something that is shown in our personality. So how can you kiss/love someone whom loves that addiction more than you? Superstar said he had the affect to ask Megan Good to quit that addiction if he wanted her to. I laughed and gave him and example. What if she got pregnant and she was still smoking? Superstar and his supervisor stated that she wouldn't do that. They believed that a woman would stop because of their motherly instinct will kick in and they would stop.

What a lot of people fall to understand is that a lot of women really don't stop. Their addiction is that strong that they can't find the strength to stop. Even though a child will be a good reason to do so, they can not find the will power to accept that challenge. They didn't believe me. Superstar wanted stats and facts. He wanted me to name some people that I know who didn't stop smoking once they became pregnant. I politely named three people. Now that's only three people I know but there are a lot more women that do smoke while with child.

This whole conversation goes back to my original point, smoking isn't sexy! The nicotine companies make it seem its the coolest thing to do but its really not. Millions of people die everyday people of cancers due to cigarettes. So why decrease your life span? Megan Good won't always look that way. Cigarettes is slowly pulling the life out of her just like any other person who smokes. I'm not picking just on Megan Good, she was just an example that Superstar put forth. But she's a great example of how people would put beauty over their normal standards/expectations. We get wrapped up, relaxed and care free about someone whom we want so bad that we forget what we need.

Now ask yourself if you don't smoke, would date a smoker just because they're everything that you want and more? *think about the consequences*
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A "Fools" Interpretation of Love

Love can be defined as many things. Webster can have a simple definition to the feeling. But to me, you can't describe what you sincerely feel. I can hide my feelings outwardly but internally. I'm doing jumping jacks.

I've been asked many times," how do you know you're in love?" To me you can't answer that unless you know what love is. Love is a host of feelings and interpretations balled into one. It's an unbearable feeling of warmth and pleasure filled pain. You really can't control how you feel or the way you express your feelings.

To me love is expressed in many different ways. The old fashion way of showing a person you love them is by saying "I love you" or buying numerous amounts of gifts. But thanks to creativity and technology you have unlimited ideas to express your love. Although, that's all fine and dandy, but I prefer to say the words, "I love you." Why you ask? Because words are so much stronger than actions......

You can show a person all the polite and right ways to express your love but looking into that persons eyes and say sincerely that you love them, that's deep. Emotions overflow as you look that person into their eyes and say that. Now remember when you first told your significant lover that you love them? Those emotions, the chills, the joy, the "love"? Yea that's what love really is. A bundle of the overflow of emotions.

When you mix all those wonderful emotions and express to that person how much you feel, that's an indescribable feeling. But when you tell that person that you love them, make sure you mean it, say it with pride and feel what you say. A heartless "I love you" is painful. Its a lie! Something that should never be taken for granted! There is so many people that missed that opportunity to tell their loved one how they really feel because of their pride, lies or guilt. Don't miss your chance!

When I love, I love hard. I go all out for mines. If it takes me a whole year to tell that man that I sincerely love him, then I'll do so. I don't play with my heart or anyone else's' so I mean what I say. I don't know why people have lost the connection with one another and don't appreciate the true meaning of love. Millions of people have become cold, heartless and shameful. I understand why because the world has become so cold. But I'm striving to be better than that.

I want to live and learn to love harder and better. I've been hurt so I'm bitter but I still some how love. Its no better feeling than being in love. Its an addiction, a fear, a cause and a fault. But we all find ourselves falling back into love.
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Nail Color of the Week

Hello People!

This is this weeks' Nail color. Enjoy!!

Flying Dragon (Neon)

Pillow

The sheets are being gripped tightly as I'm painfully getting pleased. Pillows smother me as I scream. I'm lost. Lost in a tightly woven web of lust. Lust that tastes bittersweet.

Eyes closed. Head back as I take many deep breaths. Deeper you go, louder I scream. I can't breathe, I'm losing my scream. The music drowns out my cries for help to the Lord. I brought this upon myself.

I toyed with you. Teased you. Made yo u wait. Now you're on attack. You want me to feel and remember the pain. Slow strokes, deeper as you go. I clinch. I reach. You pull away. You want to toy with the moment. Internally laughing at how much you got my body going.

I pull away. You tell me to suck it up and be strong. I'm trying. I'm trying to maintain my cool but the voodoo that you put on me have me confused. I want it. I yearned for it. So I'll gracefully accept it as I scream into the pillow.

Nail Polish Color of the Week

Hey People! Happy December! I know I haven't done this in a while but I need to go back to show you guys my nails. Yes I still do polish them, I do my toenails more than I do my finger nails though. LOL. But anyway, my nail polish color of the week is called Black Cherry by Milan. Enjoy!