My twelfth grade year I fell in "like" with my childhood friend. We have been friends since the seventh grade and I confided in my good friend that I was really falling for our mutual friend. Mike was the type of person that was loud, funny, basically the class clown. He was someone that you either loved or hate. But weirdly I feel in love with his funny ways. So when I told my friend that I was really feeling him, she took it upon herself to make it her mission to tell our friend that I had a huge crush on him. Our relationship started off something like this..."Jamale you like Mike right? (Yes) OK Mike you like Jamale right? (Yes) OK great, yall go ahead and call each other later and talk things out." Mike and I both looked at each other, smiled, hugged and agreed to speak later on the phone.
Our relationship started off a little weird. Here it is, one of my best male friends is now my BOYFRIEND! Wow that was a bit much for a young girl to handle. But needless to say, I handled myself quite well. Anyway, as time went on, Mike and I were inseparable. We did everything together and all our friends thought we were a great match. My friend who "hooked" us up took her bragging rights to the hallways every time she saw us together since all our lockers were in the same row. But our relationship came to an abrupt end when Mike broke up with me on my apartment steps, one month before my departure to college. I lost my breath as this man gave me some BS reason why he didn't want to continue our relationship. I lost myself in his words, zone out and told myself to hold my tears until I got into the house. I immediately got up from the steps and headed the house after he finished his well prepared speech and slammed the door. I called my friend and broke down crying. I hated him for how he made me feel.
After that relationship I vowed that I will NEVER date one of my close guy friends again. Little did I know that the roles will be switched some years later. While in high school, I met this guy my tenth grade year that really liked me but he was later the person who feel in deeply in love with me. What stopped us from being more than friends in high school was my then boyfriend. I was dating my then boyfriend for a year and was very faithful to him. So I wasn't going to go outside our relationship and cheat on him. So my friend stayed by my side for years, waiting on the side lines, waiting for his chance to get into the game. But I allowed so many other players to enter the game while he rode the bench. Now this isn't done on purpose, I just fell in love with my friend as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. It hurt me over the years that he was hurt but then again I can't help but the way I feel. I have played with the thought of us being together but never really ventured into the red zone of a relationship.
Some people can consider me to be selfish (including my male friend) but I see myself as a very smart woman. I am not going to conform to be someone that I am not. I love all my friends for who they are and what they provide to me, love. But I can't love beyond my means. That's right ladies and gentlemen, you sometimes can love beyond your means. Love should be unconditional and endless, never with restraints. As the years progress, my friends patience was thinning. I wanted to hang out, chill, be my true self around him and love him for who he is but he saw me as his potential woman. I can't count how many times we stopped talking, got into arguments and copped attitudes over the lack of a relationships that we have. I wanted a friendship, he saw me as his perfect girlfriend. As a result of this challenge, my friend and I aren't speaking. I need my space to worry about me, not him hounding me for an answer. Or throwing mixed emotions my way.
Love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. While on the other hand, hate is defined as to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility. I have at one point in time in my life I have experienced both emotions. I can't say that I hate anyone right now but I can say I hate love sometimes. Love doesn't play fair. Love is blind. Love don't always have a true label. Love sometimes isn't my true friend. Love is so difficult on so many levels hence why now I'm on a roller coaster with it. But I write this blog to give you a heads up. Really think about your true feelings you have for that friend. I have learned from that past relationship now to my current friendship. I have learned that love is sacred and precious. You can't take it for granted for one moment of lust. There really is a thin line between love and hate. Within the same sentence, how many times have you have heard so many people say, " damn I really loved him/her but now I hate that MF'er with a passion because...." Love/Hate is an emotion that can be interchangeable. Therefore, think twice before you cross that line....
