Time and Distance

(Chester)

As the wind blows slowly but softly through the leaves,

it took me back to that time when our relationship

where you would run your fingers through my hair.

I really love you threw and threw.

Your smile made me happy,

your silly jokes made me laugh.

I miss you dearly.

I now only get to visit you in my dreams.

I replay our old memories in my mind over and over again.

I thought and dreamed about you so much that I now

fantasize about what we could have been.

You haunt my every dream.

I can't help but to thank God for allowing me to be blessed to

love a wonderful man.

I guess you can say I love you now more that I have

ever loved you before.

I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt emotions you felt as I was

trying to figure myself out.

If God willing, I will love you more.

I will watch you while you sleep to make sure you don't miss

a beat.

I will be the shoulder that you can

cry on.

I will be that woman you wanted me to be.

But for now I'm just a stranger to your future.

I tear up at the thought of how stupid I was to leave you.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

I just hope and pray that you're happy.

I will always love you until the end of time.

Written 8/20/2007

Happy Father's Day

How can I congratulate a dad that I never knew? Seems every time I turn around he acts so brand new. How can I love someone that always shows the most disrespect? Or he can't even show how much he loved you by a simple peck. How can one be called a role model when I don't look up to him like an idol? I didn't really have any fatherly guidance. All because of the constant violence. I went out and got the love from others. Oh how I feel so sad for my brothers. I hope and pray that they don't grow and be just like you. By the way their kids won't grow up and say have a FUCKED UP FATHER'S DAY!

The Ugly Duckling

I've always thought I was different from most girls. I've never fit in the crowds. I've never wanted the same things. I've always strived for the better things in life. I wanted to live loud, free and worry less. But I was always pushed to the background in my younger days stepped over or looked down upon.

Some may know me personally and others my not but one thing for sure is I have insecurities just like any other woman. But mines go deeper than most. My parents always told me how beautiful I was, how smart I was or how proud they were of me but I lacked those compliments from others. Girls gain their confidence and attitude based on what their peers feed them. I was always the smart, nerdy girl whom was quiet but I was always overweight. Due to all those attributes I gained low self esteem and no attention growing up. Now I did have some pretty cool friends but in a way I was kind of jealous of them. I wanted the cute boyfriends, the nicest clothes, the weekend trips to different places, the funny extended family. I thought I was missing something growing up. I didn't realize how much my parents sacrificed, gave into, or provided so I could be the woman I am today.

Growing up my self esteem was low. I thought I was ugly, a weird child, a nerd.....a soul lost. I wasn't light skin with pretty eyes, my hair wasnt flowing down my back, I didn't develop my body shape as quickly, I wore baggy clothes, I still did things I thought was "normal" for my age group. I was always competing with myself to be better than the next girl. And none of the video vixens they had in the videos didn't help my esteem any better. I wanted for once to be that "girl" that everyone wanted, talked about or hung around. I felt as though I was that "ugly duckling" that was in that story. I was black, ugly and looked down upon by those didnt know or understand me. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted those thoughts to go away. I never did anything to hurt myself but I did find myself seeking within. I only talked when I felt as though it was safe because I didn't want the attention. I only wanted to do things that I felt was cool to do because I didn't want to feel like I was "behind" the times by those that didn't understand me. I looked at myself in the mirror plenty of nights and cried. I wanted to be different. I wanted to change what I looked like. I wanted to be another Jamale. I really wanted to be lighter like my mother but with lighter colored eyes. What's so funny is at one point in time, I wanted to wear only light colored contact contacts. I envied my cousins on my materal side of the family for having that long brown hair flowing against their yellow complexed skin. But little did I know, one of my cousins felt like the black sheep in the family because she was too light. I never thought of that dilemia until one day she expressed that concern to me. Self hate was a disease that needed to be cured but I had no solution.........

After long nights of crying myself to sleep because of self haterated, I realized years later how much the world was actually tearing me down. I was allowing the boy's fantasies, wants and desires to control my thoughts. I was allowing the "in crowd" girls hold that glory of the lime light. I was allowing magazines, videos and ad's tell me how I "should" look, what size I should be and what I was missing. I was killing my soul, my spirit, myself......Once I started seeing myself as a being that God has made, I opened myself. I allowed myself to love me. I dont remember when the change happened exactly but once it started I was so relieved. My smile changed (braces), my attitude changed ( hung around positive people), my clothing changed (brought my own clothes) my lifestyle changed(socially active) and my mind changed (praying and listening to God more). I slowly increased my self esteem and accepting me for me. I was slowly falling in love with myself because I saw not that ugly duckling that turned into a swan, I saw potential. A potential friend, lover, spouse, mother, LEADER! Wow a leader, I thought. I didn't realize that I was an acutually leader. People flocked towards me. They loved me. They adored me. They simply accepted me. Not everyone did throughout my years but hell thats life. But what's most important, I dont cry no more because of my self image. I cry because I'm happy. I'm so overwhelmed with joy and priceless pride. I still do have my "insecurities" that deprive me of some happiness every now and then that I'm still battling. I'm now leaving those things to God. I can't change everything about myself but I can work on me to better me. No one will ever love me harder more than God and myself.

I am flawed tremedously but thats what makes me me. Thats what makes me who I achieve NOT to be everyday. That what makes people love or hate me. Thats what people accept, my flaws. I am a person who deserves to be loved, adored and cared for. I deserve the finner things in life just as equally or much as the next light skin/red bone African American woman. God made me and I can't change myself. No matter how much plastic surgery, make up, products I could use I'll still have the same worries, feelings and fears. Thats why I've finally came to the terms of accepting ME, the Swan.

I'm rich even when I'm poor

Most people on the weekends take time out for themselves, their family and friends. The weekend is a time for relaxation, laziness at its best, and a time for unlimited fun but this past Saturday I unselfishly went to feed the homeless.

I don't know if any of you have ever taken one of your Saturday mornings and feed those who haven't eaten in days. When you hear about the closing of some churches and non profits, I believe most people don't let it bother them. But for me it hurts my soul. I have no problem telling the world that I use to work for a non profit company ; Planned Parenthood to be exact! Now you may look down at me for working there but I take it as a learning experience. Luckily, I didn't work at the abortion site but we did receive the nasty phone calls and letters. Being there at that non profit organization have taught me so much. You don't know how much stress happens behind closed doors because the company is trying to stay a float.

This same stress can be applied towards these churches and organizations who help those who can't afford or do for themselves. This particular church I volunteered at was located in uptown DC, right in the heart of what you consider the upper class community. The community was surrounded with embassies, mowed lawn, healthy dogs running free and nice cars parked in 2 car drive way. It was a little bit of a shock to see once you walk into the churches dining room area to see the sadness on those peoples faces. They were so humble, so helpless, so hungry.

My job in the kitchen was to separate and plate the bread. As I fellow shipped with other men and women in the kitchen, I was humbling myself yet again. God always seem to put me in these situations where he needs to remind me of how blessed I actually am. Once we plated the food, it was time to serve the people. I held the tray while one of the other volunteers passed out the plates. You should have seen how some of the most humbled homeless people can become a vicious animal in a matter of seconds. They lose all sense of logical thinking, sense of control and respect. Hunger is the only thing that is leading their conscience.

We didn't even have enough to feed them all a second time around. I felt bad to see the look on their faces. I wanted to sincerely go out to purchase them all something to eat, drink and wear. Some of these people smelled so harsh, that it took my stomach back to an unwanted feeling of nausea. That's one thing that I don't understand, how can you smell like urine and not musk only? Do you simply urinate on yourself and then lay in it? That still bothers me. Once the lunch was over, one of the volunteers managed to make over 200 goodie bags for them. She requested from her friends, family, coworkers, neighbors and even strangers for donations to give to the homeless. This noble act was duly noted as the homeless humbly accepted the bags. Some was just grateful for what they received, some was being greedy and others wanted some other bag.

No matter what the reaction was, they loved they idea that they got some food and other goodies to take along the way. While standing there, passing out these goodie bags, you can clearly see the reaction on their faces. It hurts and humbles you all in the same breathe. I kept thinking what would I do if I was in their position? How did they get there? Why didn't their family help them? Simply why are you homeless? It pierced my soul with meekness.

I've been volunteering ever since high school. I've done numerous amount of activies such as mentor, teachers assistant, youth mentor, habitat for humanity, donations for families, suicide hot line counselor and the list goes on. But its always most important when you can actually reach out and physically touch that person. Everyone has a purpose to help one another. Pay it forward but many choose not to. But on Saturday I had to give to those that had little or nothing compared to me.

While driving home, I was worried that I wouldn't have enough money for my upcoming bills because I just brought a brand new car. But then I had to stop that line of thinking because I'm rich. Yes I'm actually very rich. Even on my worst day, I still have more than others. I have a clean bill of health, a job, a new car, a dog, a house, bank accounts, clothes and shoes. Just those little bit of blessings go a mighty long way. I can compare myself to celebrities but then I wouldn't be who I am today; HUMBLE.

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An eye for an eye.....A tooth for a tooth

This morning I woke up early because I actually went to bed early last night. After having a good day yesterday, it felt good to wake up from a good night sleep. While attending to my breakfast this morning, I was watching President Obama speak in Cairo,Egypt. It still amazes me how I was a part of history and helped this BLACK President into office!

He was speaking about the current issues around the world that needed to be addressed. Some issues such as North Korea's nuclear testing, Iraq's Muslims, the Taliban, Al-Queda and the list continues on. But basically he's really trying to merge these countries; all under peace. I'm so impressed by how he's really "trying" to solve these problems as soon as he stepped into office. I laughed how the news covered his first 100 days to make sure they capture any of his "mistakes" on camera. Luckily, he was on his P's and Q's!!

While I was watching his speech in Egypt, I couldn't help but to think how much this country has changed. We use to be friendly, happy, sympathetic and understanding. Regardless if it was toward other countries, we was there for people if they really need it. Within our country, we have become so harsh; cold. We was raised to be the hardest, the meanest, the toughest. Now it is human nature to have to the attitude only the strong survive but where is the love??

Back in the 1970's, people looked down to the "Hippies", I actually looked up to them. This division of people were what I called logical thinkers. They recognized that not everything need to solved by violence. They didn't always see Malcolm X's logic "By Any Means Necessary" always right. They did see something weren't going to be moved until a revolution was promoted. Now a lot of people will say that it was the drugs and alcohol that controlled their thought process at that time but NOT EVERYONE was high! Just remember during this time of "revolution" we had the Black Panthers, Nation of Islam and the Marcus Garvey supporters during this time to rise to power. But most importantly during this time, we had LOVE.

We supported one another, we loved deeply and genuinely and shared promotional ideas. When one person fell, we as a culture fell. It was never an issue of who was better. We didn't always agree but we all had a mutual admiration and respect. Love was promoted throughout the black community, hence BLACK POWER! The Black community saw our race as beauty, unique and superior. Obviously we did a lot to build this country and other countries, that a lot of times was swept under the rug or not given "true credit" until years later.

Also during this time, we started embracing our unlimited options of potentials. Instead of trying to blend in we went across the grain and embraced natural hair. We had afro's curly/bushy hair, Locs, braids and untamed hair. Just from evolution of hair we started the Rastafarian culture. They see their hair as pride and close to God! Now hair isn't the reason for the culture but they see their hair as a symbol of their religion status. Its unlimited beauty that's only embraced by some. But most importantly, they loved hard!

We haven't really learned to love in a long time. Our previous elders taught anger, hate, fear and religion all in one sentence. If you don't believe me, think back to when you were young, did any elder teach you to go to church, love God, yourself and your family then say don't ever really trust a white person? You don't see that as some form of hypocrisy? That don't make sense. That's fear and anger trying to take form within religion. My father and mother was a product of this concept but what's the different between those two is my father believe white people have underlying deceptions and my mom accept everyone regardless of race. It was my mom who motivated me to stay at my majority white university. It was my father who told me to not come home with a white boyfriend or he's "disowning" me. He still say that madness but he's not going to stop me from having happiness even if that includes me dating a white man.

God is love and we must never forget that. In order to supersede this violence we need to stay in God's vision. Love one another. Put differences aside. Learn and understand. Stop ignorance at the door. We may not agree but let's agree to disagree all while being respectful. Stop killing and hurting God's people! Its not always right to take an eye for an eye.
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Feeling good, Feeling great.....How are you???

Have you ever woke up one morning knowing you're going to be late for work or you're not really ready to go to work but you feel good??? Well that's how I feel today, I woke up not really feeling the motivation to get up and go to work. Now a days, I'm so like *blah* about going to work because I want so much more out of where I'm working. I'm very grateful and happy that I have my job but I wish sometimes I had a little more perks.

Anyway, while shutting the door to lock it, I noticed that my brother (pictured above with me) had the hood up to the car. He calls the car Eleanor so I asked him what was wrong with "her"? He looked up at me, mad as sh!t because the car wouldn't start. Right then and there, I wished that I could just run to his rescue and tell him forget the car and lets go to the dealership and pick out any car that he wanted. Yea I have a huge imagination but one of these days, I'll be able to do such adventurous things. Yesterday, he called me at work to ask him to pick up after work because the car didn't want to start. "Eleanor" sometimes have a mind of her own and she wants to start up whenever she wants. Now this is an older car (1996 Hyundai Elantra) so it'll have it's moments. But this wasn't the moment for her to be acting up. My brother had to make it to work because he had a meeting and where he works at, it's not really Metro accessible. So I understand and feel his pain. Luckily, if he needed me to pick him up or take him to work, we work nearly 25 mins down the street from each other.

What took me back a little later today was I was able to help my brother when he actually needed me. I know some of you all like, umm isn't that what you're suppose to be for your siblings but you don't understand. It's been times when I didn't have the means to help my brothers with anything almost a year ago. I've struggled and I'm still struggling but at least God has blessed me with a new car to help with little things. My brother and I both took the train in today to work. I sat next to him and blogged while he listened to his music. I smiled because through my blessings I'm blessing him. Even though it was something as simple as a ride to the Metro station, I'm there to help him. I don't really sit back and realize how much I help the little people. I work with patients that need mental help and I'm so excited to see their smiles on their face or the happiness in their stride after someone helped them without judgement.

I later sent both of my brothers a "I love you" text. Just a little thought to let them know that I am here for them no matter what. I love them more today than anything because all the drama and madness we've been through together. Sometimes you just have to take the time to tell your family how much you love or miss them and I did just that. I do get to see my older brother at least five times a month. He has his own family and responsibilities that he's taking care of so he can't always be around but he is always there for me when need be. So I decided that I've decided that I'll send out some emails and texts today just to see how my people is doing. I'm just feeling good, feeling great!!!!! Usually when I'm feeling extremely happy but nervous, I know God is blessing me :-) My break through is about to happen. I can feel it!!!

What's your type Ma?

When some of my friends or women that hardly know me ask me what type of men I like, I simply reply that I don't have one. A lot of people think I'm lying about something as simple as my type of men I like but to be honest, I have never put the much emphasis on my "typical" man I would talk to.

All my life, I always dated or been with men that are beautiful in their own way, never no one whom you couldn't say was cute. I'm not trying to sound vain but I do need something nice to look at. :-). When I try to show some of my female friends the type of men I dated, they can't believe how different my range of men have been. I've mostly only dated black men but I have dated Spanish men before also. All of them touch me in one way or another. But what really amuses me is that when I show some of those men I talked to before, some of the women ask "Girl, where did you meet him at" or "Damn." But the way they say it, is like they can't believe how a "girl like me" can manage to cop a man like that. See women like that I have to clearly stay away from.

Those type of women are what you clearly consider a HATER. They will try to either get with his closest friend or sadly your man. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with such fuckery. I manage to gain men based on being just me, Jamale! A lot of women don't look past the physical because we're always trying to compare ourselves to the next chick. I was guilty at one point in time doing the same thing. You'll see one sexy specimen of a man and wonder what the hell does he see in that fooly wolfgang woman of his. WOMEN STOP THIS THINKING! We have to be open minded enough to understand that man see something beautiful or special in that woman. Especially if he has children with her. I know I especially had to stop that thinking because maybe that's how other women was looking at me with those men. I am far from perfect but I do deserve to be happy with my man!!!

Back at the point at hand, my range of men vary. I've dated light skin, red bone, mixed, true black/blue, brown, caramel complexed men. Tall or short. Pretty teeth or crooked as a crook teeth. Or even the chubby ones. I believe you should really enjoy a great personality! That's what all my men had in common, a personality. The physical attribute is always a plus but that isn't the number one key characteristic that you need to rely on. All the men I've dated made me laugh, smile and feel special.

A woman wants to of course feel special, comfortable, and most importantly wanted. Even if I didn't get all those in one, I did enjoy it while it lasted regardless of the outcome. Every situation and relationship is a lesson learned. Trust me I've learned A LOT plus I'm still learning.

Now don't get me wrong, there are some physical attributes that I find sexy as hell! Such as pretty teeth, a wonderful smile, bedroom eyes, height, MUSCLES, tattoos and hygiene. But sometimes those things aren't always in that package that I received but I accept NO EXCEPTIONS for hygiene!!! I refused to date a nasty ass man!!! LOL. Boys will be boys but boo I NEED A MAN! So with all this being said, I'm officially saying I love them all. Sexiness come in all races and personalities!!

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Dating 101

A subject that a lot of people neglect is Dating. A lot of people date, enjoy dating or dread it like the plague. See for me, I'm a lilttle bit of all three. I enjoy getting to know someone; acknowledging and understanding their likes and dislikes. I love all the things that you can possilbily learn about a person over time but then again if they're a phony I HATE IT! I've been out of a relationship now since 2005 and all not by choice. When I do start talking to a guy that I find interesting, they find it strange how I've been out of a relationship for so long. I have to go through this long drawn up conversation about how my last ex "F'ed" me over and men now a days are just plain stupid. Of course them being the men they are, they'll sometimes take the guys' side. Thats respectable but not always right in my book. I have no baggage or hatered towards anyone so all that b-s they say doesn't really phase me. I've been through a lot in those past three years. And I'm still learning as the years progress.

Me personally, I believe you can tell a lot about how a person act and react to situations. You know how people say first impressions are everything, well they're telling the truth! People pay close attention how the opposite sex's behavior and their patterns. This is key when starting to date someone. I wanted to share some of my thoughts and experiences over the years since my last "boyfriend" so guys and girls will have an understanding of what's right and what's plain wrong......

A couple of months ago, I started reading the Steve Harvey's Act like a Lady, Think like a Man book. I found it to be quite interesting. Some of the material I already knew becuase A.) my brothers already taught me or B.) you learn from experience. But some of the key points that really interested me was a man's purpose, don't hold the "cookie" back from your man, support and love your man regardless of income and status, pay attention to titles that he introduce you as, pay attention to details, don't let a man rule you (you're in control) and lastly play the game like them but be a lady at all times. Those are just some key points that caught my eye. It's more details within those subjects but you will just have to read the book to understand the depth of it all. But to me Steve Harvey didn't point out all the details about relationships. I feel as though if he would have teamed up with maybe his wife, he would have had a more equally sexed book. (Thats just my opinion). Like I stated before, there are a lot of experiences and things I've been through or seen that changed my way of thinking tremediously!!!!

In 2005, after my last boyfriend, I found myself in a deep hole that I seem to have fallen in. I was scratching my way out but I really couldn't see the light. I was staying in the house, slowly making myself depressed. Now many of you all might say, "girl he's was just another fish in the sea" but our relationship was sooo much more. I will spare the details of that relationship but I became very depressed. I felt as though I've lost my friend, lover, husband and most importantly a piece of me. A little while later, I moved out to my own apartment. I was really single, sexy, free and on a prowl. I had friends by the many who was willing to go out with me anytime to any club, all while enjoying our early twenties. While in my apartment, I started talking back to my high school sweetheart. I LOVED this man to death! He proposed to me Jan. 2005 but I felt as though he wasnt ready. Now that we were "grown" I felt as though, I should give him another try.

*Lesson # 1*: Never go back, keep going forward because you never know who you could be missing in your future blessings.

I should have known not to mess with this man. He was a constant liar, a theif and a a show off. He always wanted to show me what he could possibily "give me if I needed it." But I was set, I never needed a man for anything. I cared for him deeply but in the long run, I was sadden by one thing........THE SEX! Yes I said it, the sex sucked sooooooooo bad. I could have cried because I dont know what happened from high school till then?????? Sorry but you can't move on in a relationship if he can't enjoy and "last" through the whole moment......

*Lesson #2*: No matter how much the person is "perfect" if you're not satisfied physically or emotionally, leave them alone!!!!

An old ex of mines came back into the picutre a little while after my high school sweetheart. Now this ex has always been a friend of mines so I never had any problems keeping in touch with him. Our chemistry was off the hook! He made me laugh all the time, truly nice when he wanted to be, sexy in a different kind of way and he made me soooo comfortable. But he had serious commintment issues. At that point in time, he was really feeling me BUT he wanted to get his buisness off the ground. I had to fall back and understand, this man has some goals that he need to accomplish before he incorparate into my life. As time goes on, we have problems here and there like any "couple" but once I moved out of my apartment, he changed. He was mean as hell, selfish and inconsiderate. I just couldn't believe how this beautiful man could change like this???

*Lesson #3*: Let people go when they're not treating you right. You deserve much better!!!

He told me how he saw me as being his wife, he wanted us to eventually move in together and raise our family all within the next three years. He told me he wanted to go give him until 2009 and he'll be ready for me and ready to give me all that I wanted and needed. In 2008, I changed my whole attitude! I fell back from clubs, alcohol, men and toxic people. He was one of those 'toxic people" but because of our freindship, I told him we could still be friends but he had the audactiy to tell me in October 2008, that if we can't talk or have sex then he has nothiing much to talk to me about *WOW* Now that was crazy to me!!! How can he do this me? So I polietly told him don't ever call me no more and hung up on him. What's so funny, he's been blowing my phone up since then but what's really funny, he called me just as recenlty as last week to tell me he has a baby on the way. That news took me back. How can you run from a commintment of a girlfriend but fall for a commintment of a baby?? Now how can that make any sense???

*Lesson # 4*: If a person give you too many excuses for a relationship, they don't want it. Don't incorparate anyone into your life emotionally or sexually until you're actually ready for the consequences.

*Lesson #5*: Always follow your gut feeling because it's your sixth sense telling you to go the oppisite way

*Lesson # 6*: Whenever having sex, make sure you're using a condom or some type of birth control. A lot of people are having a baby due to the moment of forgetfullness.

*Lesson #7*: Women are emotional creatures so whenever you say you're "doing you" we take that as you're beening an ass at the time and you're eventually come around to the thought of a relationship with us. Dont get mad at us when we expect or give an ultimatium of a relationship with you. When you have sex with us, we allow you to come into us and take a piece of us along with you. WE CHOSE YOU AS OUR MATE! We incorpate our feelings with sex so we we're assuming that you're feeling us that much to have sex with us. You see it as SEX, we see it as a FUTRUE. Think about it!

This is just two examples of the madness that I've been through but I have more and more stories to tell about liars, cheats, *criminals* and commintment phobes. But from my previous blogs yall can see that I seem to only attrack the freaks and plain rude men. I dont know what it is about me but I believe this is just my test and time in my life where I have to wait it out until the Lord bless me with the near perfect man of my dreams. So I'll wait and count my blessings until then. **PATIENTLY WAITING**