Hopeless

(Omar)

As I layed in your bed wanting to touch you, to feel that "sting" of your touch again; I can't help but to wonder. What will we be? Will I just be another partaker of your sensual love making or your Queen to help you carry your heavy Kingdom? Your warm embrace crushes me every time you touch me. I constantly find myself in a realm of questioning. Should I call or text? Better yet, should I not bother you at all? You see you don't understand how many nights I dreamt about you wanting me. Finally you giving me all of you.

I can admit your strong manly ways impress me. God bless you when he touched your golden brown skin. I get lost in your deep wondering eyes and by God your smile makes me fall in love with you every time. I prayed to the heavens everyday for a man like you. Will my pride, flaws or insecurities not want you to want me anymore? I know I'm no comparison to your last Queen but I am that next to the throne. Apparently, there was a break in your relationship that left a void. Hopefully that void didn't leave you cold and heartless. I'm sorry to call myself selfish but I want that same love; NO matter of fact I want that higher learning love. That love that no other woman can touch.

Simply put, I want you to love me like no other. I want to be held to the most high. I want our relationship to be blessed by God and the universe. I would love to wake up everyday next to you and smile while the sun peek through the blinds and kiss the skin on your back. Exhale when I feel you wrap your muscular arms around me while you whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I want to simply enjoy every sensual moment of you.

I promise if you give me a chance to prove to you that I can be the woman you need, I'll give you more loving than pain. I want us to go through hell to reach heaven daily. I will give you all of me if you're willing to explore me. O how I promise you that I won't hurt you.

All these thoughts run through my head as you calmly lay in between my legs. I know it's only the beginning but you have to understand; I'm ready! I'm ready to live lively and step lightly on clouds. I'm ready to be kissed on my neck while you hold me from behind to say I love you. I'm ready for whatever life brings with you. I'm ready to be in love with you. Will my fantasies come true with you? I don't know; should I touch you or just lay helplessly with you????

Written 6/9/2008

Just too GOOD to be True

I'm extremely tired from last night's football game, Redskins VS. Cowboys. I'm happy that my boys Redskins have won!!!! Ok I'm not going to rub it in nobody's face. Hail to the Redskins!!!

Ok back to business....Over this past week I've came across the most dumbest thing I've ever heard. A good friend of mine's broke up with his girlfriend because she was too good for him so he believed he didn't deserve her. His ex-girlfriend told me he didn't feel that "spark" like he did with anyone else. Now let me pause there. Here is a man who's ex's treated him like crap. He was the one in the past that put everything in the relationship and got nothing out of it but a heartache and a big headache. So when he met this girl who had everything, she was that women he was looking for. She's smart, balanced, community oriented and very down to earth but she was too good for him or just too perfect? Now that's crazy how he can come to a conclusion that he wants the "perfect" woman for him and he gets it and he doesn't know what to do with her.

Now this example is not an uncommon thing to hear. I've been in the situation before. I had a boyfriend that was ready to give me to the world but I wasn't ready for what he was giving me. I was use to the arguments and headaches from him earlier in our relationship. We broke up on and off for years until finally winter 2005 he was ready to marry me. At that point in time I was ready to graduate from college in the spring and find a job ASAP. I was young, dump and stupid. I had a man that was ready to leave everything and start a life with me. I can see now that I wasn't ready for that blessing and it'll come to me when I'm ready. When my friends asked me why I broke it off with him, I stated he was too nice. haha..I can laugh at that now because I was use to what my ex's use to be. I was use to the men who didn't call and when they did call, they didn't give me details about why they didn't call me nor why so long. Also I was use to men disrespecting me and not giving me the love that I need. Luckily over years and experience, I've come to realize my worth and how much love and respect I NEED.

So I know how it feels to be bored with a relationship because you're use to the drama that comes along in a relationship. As we get older we understand that train of thoughts are stupid but it's a harsh reality. Some people don't grow up and see what real potential they have in front of them Lord knows I would give up everything to have that kind of love in a man again. I've meet some pretty harsh men who don't care about nothing but themselves and their sexual pleasure. So it mad me mad at my guy friend who just dumped his girl and then in the same sentence told her he loved her and he can see himself marrying her. My response to the situation is what the hell are you thinking??? So my advice to everyone is to enjoy that love that you have because you never know when that love will give up on you. You only love once really, so hold tight!


BTY the poem K.A.R.M.A was written about him

Vote or Die?

This year I can say that I'm really proud of myself. I have followed this upcoming election from the beginning. At first, I too was like who the heck is Barack Obama? The last time I voted, I wasn't too happy with the results of what seem like another four years of hell so I was determined to be more up to date with whom I'm going to push to be in office. Some people say Barack is the "Dream" that Dr. MLK was talking about and others call him a Messiah. But we do still have those that say he didn't really do anything to make him famous and fabulous to run this country.

Yesterday I was talking to my coworker about the debate. She told me this will be her first year voting and she's 30 yrs. old. She felt kind of embarrassed about this decision to vote so "late" in her life but I ensured her, it's better that she votes then not at all. We as Americans are tired of this same old jive these hypocrites are feeding us daily we want a change. So back to Barack....when I first really got into his election trail, I was shocked to see Hilary trying to knock him out the socket. She played pretty hard and I can say I respect her for that long run. That woman in her lifetime has dealt with a lot of problems and they all have been publicly criticized, so you can't do nothing but respect her at the end of the day. She's a very headstrong woman who knows how to play with the big boys.

Barack lead a pretty strong campaign trail but who is the real Barack Obama a lot of people say? While having that conversation with the coworker, a patient of ours interrupted and stated, " that's the problem with black people, they only want to vote for him because he's a black man. You really need to do your research and see all the facts." Now I don't work for CNN, MSNBC or Associated Press so I don't have time nor the energy to look at politics all day and night but I do know what I see. I don't care what people will say or think about it but I see a "Dream" that Dr. MLK prophesied about. I see a man who by his words alone brought together a nation who is in a deep depression/recession. Who all are suffering as a whole. He has a strong dictation for which he leads minds to change. I haven't seen so many young, old, black, white, Asian people come together to change their way of thinking, presentation and communication. This is a man who carries himself with a swag like no other. He's a man who loves his family and country.

Now don't get me wrong, McCain too loves his family and country but when you really look at what he has done, it amounts up to nothing. Wow so what he has brought more white people together to keep that black man out of office. He has gathered up all the white women to vote for him and he has brought a white woman with him who can't even answer questions directly. I know this is a sensitive subject but my point to this blog isn't to debate who is right or wrong. Who will lead this country better. The point is to simply say, please go out and vote. Obviously you all know who I'm voting for. And again let me stress to you that I'm not voting for him because he's black. I'm voting for him because he's a man that's hungry. He's dying to get into office and make that change that he promised for all of us. He's a man that's passionate about what he stands for and believes in himself. He brought together a nation like President Kennedy did. He's a leader like no other!

To me plain and simple he's that American dream, that came from the slums, still live with the slum village people and work for the people. He's a man whom worked his way from the bottom to the top. He had family who sacrificed for him to become what he is today. Barack Obama is a changing factor for this country. Question is, Are you ready for change??

K.A.R.M.A (Knowledge.Anger.Regret.Missing.Again)

(Chester)


It was once upon a time that you wanted me and claimed that you loved me unconditionally. Now that you've been pushed out of my life, I regret ever doing that to you. Since you all "men" have been the same. I've been through it all, up and down, confused and pushed to the background. I wanted you to feel the pain that I went through when I wanted you. But my own voodoo has come back to haunt me. I wanted so badly to get those feelings out of my system and say that they never existed. Now that I look through the phone calls, I can't help but to reminisce and miss our long phone calls and sometimes arguementive nights. That dreadful feeling of regret subside my anger followed by loneliness. I officially can say now that I miss you, the Knowledge I gained from Anger made me Regret Missing you Again. That's K.A.R.M.A.

Viva La Vixen

Ok so I'm reading now the Vixen Diaries by Karrine Steffans. To me this woman is amazing. Now when I say amazing, I'm not stating that she's an angel and she needs to be praised, I'm just simply stating that she lead a pretty interesting life. She's come from nothing to something, the big talk of the town and now a self man millionaire based soley almost on sex. It's amazing how sex sells and its quite powerful. When I read her first book Confessions of a Video Vixen, I did past judgement. I was like wow this is some crazy s*&t and I can't believe this woman will put all her and these celebrities business out there. But reading on to the next book and watching her videos, I can say I agree with her when she states why should she be ashamed of what she wrote when they're the ones who participated in the acts also.

Yes I can say I was shocked about some of my favorite celebs but there is a secret life behind scenes that we can't see. They don't call Hollywood, Hollyweird for nothing. That's the only place that I can see they accept anything/anyone with no strings attached. Who are we to say that this woman is a slut, whore, gold digger or a "B". No one really knows that truth into what really happened in her childhood and behind closed doors. We only see what we assume and only believe what we subspet. So when I look at Karrine Steffans, I see a woman whom is hurt. She's looking for a love in "men" whom she has to find within herself. Yes, I'm sure she loves herself but she hasn't really found herself. It's hard to explain how you "find yourself" but when you do, its an indescribable event. Let's just say she's in the process.

None of us have the right to say anything about her lifestyle. When you look at yourself and really think about how many people you have slept with, how freaky you got with them or the things you said or did for money, what makes you think you're just as innocent. Now it's true that people change as years progress so who's to say that she haven't changed and moved on to be a successful business woman? Alot of people might read this and say this girl is crazy, Karrine is a whore plain and simple but I'll just come back and disagree. Men do the same things as she did and they don't get called all the negative names, in fact they're praised about who and how many women they've been with. I'm not stating that who she slept with should be praised but I'm stating that she's a product of her environment. Take for an example, a young boy who grows up in the hood and see his older brother or peers selling drugs, pimpin or riding in the most expensive cars. The young boy is going to grow up wanting the same things that his brother or peers have. Alot of these "groupies" want that same lifestyle. They want the expensive husband, nice house, cars and plenty of money to supply their needs/wants. Again she didn't have that and she's just a product of seeing what people had and she went for what she wanted by any means necessary.

My point is don't judge a book by its cover. Alot of Americans have "secrets" and some tell it all or some just keep it within. Seeking therapy, whether its with a counselor, drugs, alcohol, or better yet Jesus. We have to get to know people before we can assume the worst or try to help. Look at your faults and bad decision making before you jump out there and say harmful words. We're all humans and make mistakes. Unfortunately, she's still paying for her faults. And for the women, please stop trying to be the next Karrine. As you can see it's NOT a good look for your future!

God Bless!

Congratulations

(Joshua)

I want to thank you for not returning any of my phone calls; for not replying to any of my texts and for not caring. I sat up so many nights and wondered where you could be and who you could be with. I want to thank you for not being there when I needed you the most. You are truly a blessing to me. As a matter of fact, I want to congratulate you for being able to have a woman's heart in your hands. Right there in the palms of your hands. You had the power to uplift and raise her heart high to the heavens, bringing her closer to God but instead you crushed her heart, sweezed it and polietly gave it back to her. I want to congratulate you for not being there to hold her hand as the doctors examined, poked and scrapped to see if there was anymore left of little you and me. I want to congrautulate you for leaving her to find a new love. No not that kind of love! A love that no man could ever replace. A kind of love that is right next to God. I congratulate you for making this woman look at herself in the mirror. She can now smile and truly say that she love herself. I want to congratulate you on finding a love that could never be found. I want to congratulate you on leaving me because without you, I Love Me! Congratulations.

(Written 10/8/2006)

Will the real men stand up?????.....

This past year has a true year of change. Not just change for myself but also change for our African American culture. Over the past three years I've observed what "our" men has become. They're not the men of Martin Luther, Malcolm, Marshall, or W.E.B but they're the products of the pimps on the corner, the "part time" hustler that seem to have everything that we could possilbly "want" or they're the ultatimite porn star that you could ever fathum. Where are our real men??? Now don't get me wrong, I still love my men but I'm just a little confused? I'm confused about how some of our men can say they love their mothers and sisters, aunts and grandmother but with that same mouth they can turn around and call the next women who won't give them their numbers, a Bitch??? Where are we heading to; a path of destruction, abuse and haterated?

I've had my past of relationships where I loved and wanted but now all I discover is men who want a special pleasure along with that "love". I was reading in the September 2008 issuse of "Today's Black Woman" about my love style. Now this researcher by the name of John Lee discovered what the word "love" meant to a variety of different people. He concluded that there's six different ways how people view "love". You can read on your own the six different types of of ways people view them but mines is called EROS. Now this is suppose to mean love of beauty. It states, "This love style is focused around the sensual side of love, choosing partners using intution and instinct over logic or analysis. Erotic lovers are the most likely to "fall in love at first sight" and are more likely to use pet names like "honey" or "sweetheart." Erotic lovers are hopeless romantics, for whom relationships are simply one long honeymoon. Prone on naivete' and sentimentality, erotic lovers tent to live in a fantasy world and can be more vulnerable because of this. Yet they can make deeply intense and passionate lovers."

Now when read that I was like WOW that really does describe the type of person I am. But am I really living in a "fantasy" world?? Well more and more everyday it seems like I am. I guess you can say I'm still in waiting mode for the man to come and love me for me and sweep me off my feet. I'm waiting for the dreamlover to come and rescue me like Mariah Carey said. I've kissed alot of frogs to finally say I'm wiping my hands of that dream. I'm not in denial nor am I bitter but I am mad as hell! I'm mad at how our African American men are sleeping around with everyone they could possilbly get, spreading diseases, making more babies than they can claim and name, and saying I love you and don't really mean it!!! Yes I know I'm finally just a hopeless romantic that's in love with love but where is that strong man that can handle any situation? I've come across alot of weak men. Regardless if their weak in conversation, sex, financial stability, personality or judement. They're lacking the key potentials of what our past ansectors were. They were men of intergurity, pride and pose.

I fear for our future. What are our men today teaching their sons? Dislike their mothers and girlfriends, abuse every woman that you can by having sex with her and treating her as just piece of a$$, and every word out your mouth is a curse word because you can't think of a better "souding" word otherthan "FUCK"! If this is what we are striving towards then my god, I believe we're on the right track. LOL. Honestly, I'm not mad at my African American men but I want us to love again. Love one another and respect each other as one. When it all come down to it, like Jill Scott said what if we (black women) were poof; every black women in the world disappers, then what? How would you like that then? Our generation will end to be honest. So if you claim you love your Queen then why do you treat everyone as one of Mike Vick's dogs?

Again over the past year, I've been observing our African American men as a changing race who hates, constanly disrepect and put down his own race into shame. Why are you in love with the light skin/red bone, long hair, light eye, big booty girls that really are paying you no attention? I know they deserve love too, but if that is only what you seek, then you're not getting far in this world with that mind set...