Practicing Patience

You may look at me and see me as a normal person without hardly any flaws. Life is in some kind of order. Mind is focus and maintained. Beyond all that I'm very much flawed, insane, actually screaming in silence.
What you fail to understand is in fact I'm a normal woman but I don't have "normal" problems. Everyone is different, everyone have their own issues and daily headaches. But for me right now, I have too many obstacles. The Lord has blessed me with numerous blessings but at the same time, the devil is just as busy trying to destroy my soul. He wants me to give up; to simply give in. There is a spiritual war going inside both you and I. It all comes down to who's side you're going to take.

For the past two years, I have been making a visual board of the things I want to accomplish, things I want do, and places I want to go. But this year I decided I needed to take that down, I need to start from scratch, I need new ideas along with my new attitude. I need to actually do these things I want to accomplish by just doing them. Everyone have short and long term goals but for me, my goals make me who I am. They help me mature, gain knowledge and want more out of life. My goals are what makes me drive my ambitious attitude to the max!

I am a true believer your success is determined by how many obstacles you've surpassed. And let's just say I have my share of obstacles. I'm still til this day am working on my past obstacles that I need to work on daily. I am like every woman that have "baggage" from previous experiences. But unlike most, I don't hold my "baggage" towards new and exciting experiences. I am a work in progress! Like I said two years ago I had that accomplishment wall and I have crossed off quite a few goals. But one of the things that I couldn't visually put up on the wall was a prayer.

I asked God to teach me patience. Little did I know what they meant when people warned me, "Be careful what you pray for." I just believed if you go to God with a burden, he'll see fit in his time to bless you and take that burden within himself. But I soon and later discovered God had plans for me. I was living my life financially carelessly, my relationships was nonchalantly put to the side, partying was overwhelming and not having a care in the world because I felt as though I had time. I had plenty enough time because I'm single, sexy and free! But God had plans for me.

God saw the way I carried myself, relationships, money and attitude. I guess he decided he needed to humble me, make me grateful and appreciative. God took away my pride, money, men, dreams, hope and some freedom. He humbled me. Now when I say he took away those things from me, I mean he gave quickly and took just as quickly. I thought my shit didn't stink and I could live my life the way I wanted. He broke me down to build me up. He provided new blessings. He made me open my eyes more to different people, places and things. He gave me the will to be stronger. He made me the woman I am today.

When I think about what God has done for me, I cry. I cry tears of happiness, not pain. I could have taken a different route and ended somewhere else. I never followed, always lead and because of that, I lead myself to greatness. I was so far at the bottom, I thought I'll never see the top. I cried, stressed, worried, cried, got depressed, had low self esteem all while incorporating more and more people and problems into my life. I never gave myself time to heal. I would physically feel myself getting sicker because of the stress and lack of's. I couldn't see the top.

I had to mentally and emotionally build myself up to the person I am today. Now when people look at me, they can see that I'm beautiful, I'm special. A lot of men can say they've never met a woman like me. When I tell people that I'm not that average chick, I mean it! I am that phenomenal woman that Maya Angelou was talking about. I been through and seen so much in such a little amount of time. I'm still learning everyday. But one thing for sure and two things for certain, I am blessed and truly grateful. I'm happy but not completely. There are still some things that I'm waiting on the Lord to bless me with.

I am flawed but that's what makes me perfect. People see me for me now. Not as someone whom they can read. I'm mysterious, quiet and challenging. I have an aura about myself that demands respect. I am a Queen in my own mind. A goddess past her prime. I am a biologist, a poet, a writer, a lover, a leader and an activist. But most importantly, I am God's child! Perfectly imperfect! Hello world, my name is Jamale.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Touch Me, Tease Me

(My Computer "Love")

Many nights we have stayed up texting, chatting, voicing our opinions verbally through transmissions over this thing called a cell phone. Even though, our love have been technology driven, some how it seems as though you're laying right next to me. Physically touching and teasing me, every inch.....of me from head to toe. Even though, we are technology driven our minds are preoccupied with thoughts of just every nasty, little, lustful thoughts that you send me through the phone. That makes me laugh. That makes me moan.....

Oooooh we're so technology driven, even though, that is the case, we are some how standing here looking at each other; face to face. No, no, no I'm not trippin, I'm not dreaming, I'm not fantasizing, we are spiritually connected. We're above all planes. Above all stars. Baby we're asteroids beating down the galaxy together. We're some how connected.. In just within that one second you touched me and teased every part. But just like you came so quick and you left so quick. You ran! You left, you ran. No explanations, no cry baby, I tell you why later on. No it was just as sad, sad goodbye. Non verbally, nothing like I have ever felt before from you. It was all communication is key. I'm a grown man about mines baby so why would I even lie? I have no time for that! These are the words you keep telling me but maybe that was simply an alibi? An alibi to cover up that simple lie?

That you weren't ready. You were not read...to be help, to be loved, to be cared for with no obligations. With no lies. With no mystery. I'm a woman about mines. I don't think you were ready. So you touched and you teased me just as quickly as you kissed and left me. While I stand here, dazed, wondering why? How could this beautiful man touch and tease a woman with his eyes?

Soulful Reflections

Soulful Reflections

I constantly strip myself down to my soul.

I lay my layered clothes down from everyone to truly see me.

But still people take my skin as another layer that hides my true complexion.

As I lay here naked, I'm getting abused; constantly beaten.

Beated by the world.

Beated by words.

Beated by thoughts.

This world leaves my skin so cold and visually bruised.

I'm physically and mentally exhausted.

My mind wonders and explores thoughts to places I've never dreamed

All while I lay naked.

I lay naked for the world to touch, explore and examine my body.

Dissect my brain.

Take apart my soul.

I reach towards people that aren't reachable.

I leave self inflicted wounds amongst my skin.

All because people take my skin as another layer that hides my true complexion.

I have given it thought to give in of finally letting go.

Giving up to give in.

Leaving my self inflict wounds unable to heal.

Leaving them open, puss filled, rotten, smelly, red, blistering, running over with uncontrollable ooze.

That way the world will see me for whom I really am.

Naked.

No cover ups.

No make up.

Filled with flaws,

imperfections,

and vulnerabilities.

Perfectly imperfect.

Simply complex.

Deeply saddened.

Reaching for dreams deferred.

Loving men who don't love me back.

Giving emotions to those that don't really deserve them.

Closing my eyes, laying naked, absorbing the negativity and embracing it.

Leaving myself exposed amongst everyone to the world.

Stripped down to nothing.

Written 5/13/2009

Questioning

Yes I do have slave hair but I do not carry a slave mind. I have the intelligence of a college educated man. I am stuck in between a war or pride, money and reputation. I believe therefore I conquer. But what am I reaching for? I have lost my will, my ambition, my dreams. Am I accomplishing someone elses dream? I am so tired of being second best at everything. Whether it'll be family and relationship preference, employment and friendships. I am a woman of dignity, poise and great pride in one self. I am trying not to give up. I will NOT give up! I believe in love, destiny and God. I will continue to learn. Learn to accept, learn from mistakes, learn to love again............

WHY DO YOU TWEET???

A lot of people are jumping on the bang wagon of Twitter! At first I was thinking, what the hell is Twitter?? Oh Lord not another website like Facebook, Myspace or Tagged! Boooooooooooo. I was one day looking on Karrine Steffans page and I noticed she kept talking about Twitter. I thought it sounded sooooo weird. LOL. But I did also hear it from my friend Loryn that she has a Twitter page also. So with one click from Karrine's page, I was on Twitter.

Back in June last year, I went to Atlanta with my mother. I love, love ATL! In fact, I'm planning to move down there in 3 yrs. but that's another subject. I took a lot of pictures while I was down there with my mom. I find myself to very photogenic so I love sharing my pictures with my friends. But when I was on Facebook, a lot of people was having problems with me posting pics of them while their out and about with me. I'm like "what the hell? Then why did you act that way or do this when you was with me??" Facebook has been kind of a sneaky way to spy on your employee's by seeing what they do outside of work. It has been proven that a lot of employers base their decisions of unemployment from Facebook. So some of my friends were very fearful of what their employers will see, hence I'll get complaints about the pictures.

Another problem I had on Facebook was hate! There was quite few people hating on the fact that I was finally able to spend my time in different vacations spots all over the U.S. That shocked me how people can hate so easily because you were blessed to have the opportunity to enjoy life to the fullest. Or I could tell people was being spies and trying to see how,why and when you hang around certain people. The company I keep is my business!!! Why is it up to you to spy on the things I do with my friends or pressed to see who I'm talking to next?? Females crack me up. Beefs happen all because people are in other people's business. I was constantly having to defend myself even though I hardly went out to any parties, clubs or get togethers. So riddle me this, how in the hell do drama always seem to find me?? Nothing but the devil. LOL

Myspace was initially pretty cool. I loved the fact that I can make this page a reflection of me. I could blog and post feelings on my page if I wanted to. I had plenty of pictures of there at my consent and just like Facebook, if you weren't my '"friend" then you get no access to see what I'm working with. LOL. Myspace was fun but then again it was a true jump off place. Too many people were hooking up, tyring to hook up, being killed, raped or bullied over this website. It was was getting out of control!!!! I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Blackplanet was another website which at one point in time we quite fun!!! I would find myself on there all the time, up to wee hours of the night in college. I've met two guys from there that later became my boyfriends. The Internet is funny. Yea I have no problem telling anyone that I've dated someone off the Internet!! It wasn't intentional but it was cool. Late Blackplanet to me became a breeding ground for STD's and HIV. Too many people were coming to me like I was some type of whore or jump off. Sending me the most nastiest messages I could ever imagine!!! I would get all the censored messages all because they find my lips so damn sexy and want to put them to use. WTF??? Pure Ignorance!!! Plus I was having guys whom wanted to be my "boyfriend" so bad that they was finding ways to talk to me and if I didn't reply they would curse me out. I had to get off there quick!

Lastly, Tagged was another website that my past coworkers was on. I really didn't understand that website so I wasn't on there too long. I didn't meet anyone nor did I want to. It was boring and useless. So I was on there for a little bit of time and closed that page out before my Facebooka, Myspace and Blackplanet page. *Shhhheeeewwww*

Twitter was a new experience. I didn't understand it yet but I would soon learn that Twitter was a great place! Since September 2008, I've been on Twitter. At first I would only speak to certain people because I didn't know how to find other people but now boy oh boy, I'm loving Twitter!!! I'm on there everyday because it's a fun place for me. On my bad days and on my good days, people seem to be there for me. Some of the people I don't know personally but you gain a relationship with those follow and those that follow you. I've networked with a lot of people and enjoyed plenty of convos! I've interacted with some celebs and common folk like myself. Twitter have some of the most finest men in this world and they too love the convos!!! I most tweet because people get to know and understand me. I can write this blog and express how I feel but no one will really understand me unless they experience my random thoughts, music and links. I love to share because I love people I'm a social butterfly in a way but I am also very shy. I tweet because I can learn so much from random people that's just as open as I am with their lives. So with that being said, I tweet because you as an audience can learn to love or hate the real me. SIMPLE.

Afraid

(To a Stranger)

It's been a long time since I've opened up myself up to any man. After years of abuse, I have learned to shut down and leave my pride aside. I was afraid to love again.

Being around you make me feel like a lost child. A child that is lost and looking for love. Too afraid to face the harsh realities that the world is in fact cruel. The world is heartless. The people that inhabit it claim they love you only to hurt you. I am that child afraid to love again.

I feel kind of funny around you. I wanna touch you, admire you. I want to feel your warmth fulfill your every desire. I want to feel completely comfortable around you. I want to whisper the words I love you as you sleep. I simply want to adore you but I'm afraid.

I stare at you because of mixed feelings I carry for you. I don't know who should win this war; my broken heart or my restless soul? I'm lost and confused. I wanna fall and when I fall I wanna fall hard. But I'm afraid you won't love, admire and treasure me as much as I do to you. I'm too afraid to simply love you.

Written 4/23/09

Love Lost

Hello World,

As many as you all can tell, I've had my share of 808's and Heartbreaks from my previous poems that I've expressed to you all. That's just a tad bit of poetry that I have come to terms to express to the world. I have well over 200 poems that I have written through out my years. I use to get urges of deep thoughts that needed to be expressed through words. Hence the start of my poetry. My poetry like my spoken words have become my inner me, my soul, my deep dark conscience that keeps yelling from within. It's ultimately my shy, childish girl that wants to slowing grow up to become that woman of great dignity. But I'm afraid......

When I say I'm afraid, I mean I'm afraid of life's consequences. I've never been afraid of any man, woman or child but I'm afraid to love again. A lot of people fall in and out of love everyday, always carrying that baggage of what could have been. Basically the "what ifs." I too was once a victim of that plague of worrying of what "could have been" if only we still were. I'm tired of that all! I'm tired of worrying about the past, the present and sure as hell the future. I did in fact make a promise to myself a long time ago that when I love, I'm going to love hard. I want that person whom I adore to know that love them not just by saying it in words but by the kiss that I place on their lips. I want the intensity to be felt through the flesh that we both posse.

For years, I only frustrated myself because I felt as though I'm a "hopeless romantic", but why can't I have my cake and eat it too? Why can't I be fully happy with one person who truly adores, loves, cherish and loves only me?? Why is it so damn hard to find a decent man in this world??? I'm beyond frustrated, I'm pissed off! I wanted to question God for a moment but then I had to catch myself and calm down...... I had to relax and let my frustrations go and leave them at the alter, where I lay my burdens down. I had to talk it out with different friends, coworkers and my mother. I had to listen to sound advice and take it, not with a grain of salt. I actually listened......

Afterwards, in 2007, I found myself changing. My mentality was forming into something inhuman. Not lady like. I was carrying my attitude with such confidence like nothing faded me. I was "thinking" like a man and carrying myself like a lady. I had wanted what I wanted and did what I wanted. I truly thought that I'll eventually, hopefully fall in love but not as willing. I'll just play the game on repeat like any other man. In the long run, I got burned. My soul, body and especially mind was extremely exhausted. I played the game only to find myself loosing and letting the defeat slap me in my face, numerous times. I gave up, I gave in.

In 2008, I again made a promise to myself. Not let my flesh interfere with my thought process. I need a clear conscience if I'm going to "love again." Who the hell was I fooling? How can I ever see or feel love if no one is willing to love? I've come to the breaking point. As some people will call it my breakthrough. NO I didn't find love, in fact, I'm starting to believe that I won't. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked God why and how can this happen? Why are some of my friends married, have boyfriends or even kids? When will my ounce of happiness come? I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted. It's like I've been stabbed by each lover in a different location of my body and I'm slowly bleeding out. Slowing internally dying....

I had a little talk with Jesus this month and I literally raised my head and voice to the high heavens and told him, I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH LOVE! When I say I meant it, I meant it! Why try to hold onto an idea of love when it seems as though it's never going to be given to me? To be so young, my heart is so old and over worked. I use to love, I use to love hard but my soul, heart and mind can't take another 808 and heartbreak.........I've lost hope in love.