For Shits and Giggles....

Are you suffering from....???

Like, Dislike. Love, Envy. Happiness, Anger. Carefree, Worrisome.

This is the type of people I deal with all the time. I find myself constantly attracted to some serious butt holes. NOT just men but women too. Mostly the men are a killer though. Being a woman, I'm sure another woman will agree when I say that most women know we're always comparing ourselves to another woman. So we have to put that person down to make ourselves look and feel better. Men, now yall are a different story. Some men are very straight to the point. They know what and who they want. Then you have those that like to sugar coat feelings, ideas and emotions. You can not hide the truth! Let me give you some words of advice, tell the truth! Regardless, of what sex, race or religion, the truth is respect is accepted more than lies. Be a real person and tell your true feelings. A woman like me get frustrated, accept what's given and move on to new and bigger ideas.

I have a friend who likes me a lot. For all these years, we played with the thought of a relationship. But I seem to stop it before it starts. Now some people will say that I'm just scared and I'll say that I need a more firm man. I love men who say what they mean and mean what they say. Please don't throw hints to me because I will misinterpret it as something else. I don't play when it comes down to serious business and relationships. My friendships are just as important to me as well. So if there's a problem or an emotion that need to be expressed, well dammit say something!!!! I don't read minds nor do I do magic tricks. I will not turn back the hands of time or hold back. So if you don't like what I say then sorry stop talking to me because God made me like this!!! GET OVER IT!

I am a woman of pride and anger. They constantly bump heads but I know when to separate them. I speak my mind on this blog because it's my place of piece when I'm constantly thinking and venting. I blog because I believe my opinion is just as important as the next. I blog because I have a little voice that don't get heard. For a long time, I was screaming in silence. Letting my thoughts and emotions overwhelm my mind. Now that I have a "piece of mind," I'm not going to change it! I write how I feel, I say what I want and I write about who I want! I write about love and being lost in love. I write about my imagination running wild, things that make me angry and things/people that make me happy. I love being in love and all the things that are involved with being in love. But most importantly, I write about my true deep, dark emotions. If I like/love someone well that's what it is. If I fell in love with someone well that's what that is too. But when I speak of the past, well then let the past be the past! I am human!

Be CAREFUL who you're listening to...

Growing up my mother always told me to be careful who I tell my business to. I use to always tell her that I don't spread all my business to no one but my friends. But you see even though you don't say much to people, your mind is actually speaking for you. A lot of people don't realize that your actions sometimes can mean your words. I just to let my mind wonder and let the devil tear me down to nothing. I did and said harsh things to those that I loved. I let that voice come in and take control of my thoughts. I cried many nights and wondered why me? If God has heard my cry and see me going through hell on Earth, why me? That "voice" told me that I wasn't nothing, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I don't have the nicer clothes like the other girls, my hair can't get straight enough, I can't loose weight no matter what!, my eyes aren't light enough, I want to be lighter!!! No I'm not good enough.... I use to tell people this all the time.

While in church, one of my pastor's talked on a sermon about being careful whom you're speaking to and listening to. It had me thinking about all the people I've spoken to over the years, even my family members. My pastor stated that you will have those that seem to have best interest at heart but all along they're plotting against you. Some people will tell you vicious lies and deceit or they will boost your mind to believe something big. You can not and I repeat CAN NOT listen to everything people tell you. My pastor warned us that the devil and his solders can speak to you through people you know or don't know. The problem that I deal with along with plenty other people is that sometimes we focus our blessings based on what we can see. We keep "praying" until we feel as though we got what we wanted because we know Jesus was listening. Well I'm here to tell you, not all the time those "blessings" are from Jesus. Yes the devil will "bless" you with what you wanted but you know he wants something in return. For example he will give you that new car that you always wanted but he wants you to go out to the club and be too tired to get up on Sunday morning and go to church. He eventually wants your counted soul.

I know this is a deep thought to think about but really think about it. Have you ever done something and someone ask you do you know why you did that? How could do something like that to me or who do you think you are?? You find yourself lost for words. Well there was a little voice (not your conscience) telling you to do something because it's going to be OK. Or you had someone to encourage your thoughts/feelings and even participated with you. Not everyone is truly your friend. When You feel as though you weren't yourself, you really wasn't. You were taken over by your thoughts and your acted based on your feelings. We have to get out of this realm of seeing faith and not walking by faith.

God has promised you a beautiful life, all you have to do is show up to collect the prize. We live a predestined life that God has ordered our steps. You can read your bible everyday, pray everyday and preach the word but if you don't believe in what God has planned for you, then that one thought can damage your whole harvest that you just planned with one seed. Yes we're going through a recession but you have to see past this. My pastor tell us all the time, you're not in a recession, the world is. Just work your principle and you will walk through this storm. Now when he states work your principle, he's not stating just tithe. He's stating that you have to preach to those that feel like giving up, reecourgage yourself daily, read and believe the word and come to church anytime the doors are open. It's a shame that thousands of churches doors are closing due to this "recession" because a lot of the members can't afford to pay tithes and offerings. But this is your time to realize this is what the devil wants. He wants you too not being able to pay your bills, trying to pay Peter by robbing Paul and neglecting your church. You're making excuses that church is too far b/c of no gas, no tithes to offer, my body hurts, the game is going to be on or I have errands to run on Sundays. God doesn't ask for much, he really just ask for an hour of your time daily when you're not in church and a couple of hours on Sunday. Stop letting the devil win your spirit and your heart. You're in control of your own destiny! STOP listening to those people who tell you that you'll never make it, you're ugly, you can't get that car (it's too expensive for your pockets), you can't open up that business, how are you going to pay for school?, who do you think you are, you're fat, you shouldn't do that b/c you're not ready for that, or you will never be nothing like your parents. STOP IT! Don't let another negative thought come into that mind. You're everything that God has given you and much more. He gives you a choice, not it's up to you what you where do you want to go? Just have FAITH!!!!

Wowzers!!!!!!!!!

I came across this website this morning and I just couldn't believe my eyes!!!!!! I wanted to share it with you all b/c I'm a firm believer of safe sex. So please be safe and if you're embarrassed or need help this is the website for you.....

http://www.InSPOT.org

~Lustful~

(Darnell)

Lord please forgive me. I thought of this man in my dreams. My dreams soon became reality. He touched me and I could have sworn my skin was on fire. I yearned for his every touch and kisses. I'm not going to lie, when I saw him I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. His lips so passionately kissed mines. His fingers roamed up and down my thigh. The warmth of my body just invited more caress from each one of his finger tips. My eyes got lost in his. I felt my body fall into a heavy trance and there I laid paralyzed. I just cried when the thought came across my mind that we were on a scheduled time. I wanted more sweet, passionate kisses, embracing hugs and roaming fingertips. Never did I imagine you will bring me a man whom I can't call mine. I've dreamed of my lost angel and I'm being together romantically. Our time wasn't mistaken nor forgotten. Our hearts, bodies and minds intertwine. Lord forgive me for committing this sin.

Common Questions...

My youngest brother asked me why in the world do I have a blog page? He was like those people who have a blog page are those who stay in the house and have nothing to do. Well to correct him (after I was laughing), I'm a quite busy young lady! The reason for this blog is to express myself. Not just my poems but also my thoughts that I sometimes express with my friends, coworkers or even some of my patients. This blog is a common blog but unique in a unusual way. You would say how is this page unique? Well look at what I talk about and how I feel. Now my subjects are very common but my ideas and points are unique. I do, do a lot of thinking. Hence "The Thinker" that I have on my blog. I don't quite look like that when I think (LOL) but I do have some deep thoughts. I do have some deep concerns about my life and the world that surrounds me. Take for example have you ever wanted someone so bad that it kills you to be their friend?? Now I know a lot of people can relate to what I'm saying because they have been there before or still there.

I've been in this situation recently where I think this guy is cute. I mean cute to the point I was like umm I need to speak to him everyday!! At first, I was like I'm going to play it cool and not be pressed about him but when I finally got to know him and see how sweet he really was, that made me want to know this man more!!! Now some people would be bold and just come out and say you should have talked to him and flirt a little more. See what a lot of people fail to understand that I'm shy and I don't do bold moves without me knowing how that person really feel. You can't make an a$$ out of yourself when you're trying to flirt (not a good look)! Needless to say, I didn't get to know that man and take it to the next level but I was beating myself up everyday knowing that I had something to tell him but I couldn't. We're really good friends now and I appreciate our friendship. I soon came to discovered that he was in a long term relationship that hurt him pretty bad and he don't want a girlfriend right now. Now I'm not selfish (even though a part of me was) but you have to respect that decision. I asked him why and he stated that he wanted to get himself together financially and emotionally. You have to respect a man who knows what he wants and of course I did. But the thought came across my mind when I saw him today..."damn he's so cute, funny,smart, ambitious, cute(I know I already said it LOL) but he's the type of guy I would love to date but he just want a friend and I'm going to be that friend for him. Now some women can't deal with the fact that he's not into the relationship thing right now but I'm just happy that he's my friend. When I see him everyday in the afternoon and he smiles and say "What's Up?", I can't help but smile back and feel special. I'm his special friend....

Have you ever asked yourself these questions?:
Why is he with her? Why can't I find the nerve to speak to that person? Why are they suck a butt hole to me? When will I get that chance to prove myself? Why do they only see me as a friend? If things were different, what would be different? Why do I have to fade to the background? LORD WHY ME?? Well let me explain something to you. I have asked myself and the Lord all these questions before but I did discover this...you're blocking your blessings if you ask all these questions!!! How can you focus on what you have if you're worried about what you don't have??? THINK ABOUT IT! Stay focus on your dreams and hold fast to them. For if you give up on what God has promised you then you will lose faith. Keep praying and venting to God. He's always listening even through all those questions.

Be Blessed.

Beyonce-Single Ladies(Put a Ring on It)

Ok this new Beyonce' song is really hitting the spot right now!!!! I totally agree with her..Get it B!!!

Why NO Boyfriend pretty lady???

I get asked this question all the time...why I don't have a boyfriend? Ok leave me alone people!!! LOL Is is so hard to see a young lady alone and enjoying life to the fullest?? Let me stop! Yes I do love the company of a young fellow but and I stress but, I'm not jumping into another headache.

My ex said something to me some months ago. He stated that I'll be a great spouse and mother so what's taking me so long??? ERRRRR umm last time I checked, most women don't have the problem of commitment. Plus if I was such a great spouse and possibly mother then why the hell I'm not with you now then?? (Another blog one day) Back to the subject....I'm not blaming all this lack of commitment on men, but a man is the one who seems to be unhappy. Regardless if they're unhappy with the sex, appearance, attitude, situation, whatever. I'm not a hard person to please but most men I've met only thing with one brain. NO I'm not talking about the brain that's on their shoulders either. I'm saying the one that's hanging in between their legs. I was just telling an older co-worker today and I was telling him that older men are the worst! They come right out and say what they want. They have had or still have the wife and kids and now they just want a nice pretty young thing full of excitement. The younger guys my age will beat around the bush about it and try to be nice at first and then the green goblin speaks and you're like ERRR pump the brakes, what the hell did you just say??? Haha. I'm not dropping my drawers for nothing. Especially, since we haven't taken any tests yet. I might be young but I'm not dumb. Have you seen the HIV stats recently??? Ummm yea, it will scared anyone straight..LOL.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect to everyone. I'm just perfect the way God has made me. Some men appreciate a young BBW like me and truly find me attractive but they're not ready for the commitment because they're "doing them." They just want to focus on themselves, their career or money. Now I understand some people have to get themselves together before they can bring anyone else into their circle but how long do you plan to "doing you?" I'm truly confused what the hell that means still?? Let's just say you're not into a relationship right now and you're enjoying your little freedom that you have. But on the flip side what kills me is, they're enjoying their freedom but as soon as they find that girl they're really digging and she's too "good" to let go so you willing to settle down with her. What the hell?? Again let's just say you was not interested in me like that as you are with her. Please be honest. I don't like liars!!!!! ERRRRR

I'm on a different level right now. I'm happy with myself and what I can present to the table later. I have learned from relationships and still learning. I'm no body's fool and I don't plan on being a clown either in the near future. So to answer the 8th wonder of the world question, why I don't have a man....I'll have a man when he's ready for me to be incorporated into his world. When he's ready to commit fully, to be ready to love and be loved fully. When he's ready to stop playing games,telling lies to get by and to give that 100 percent into the relationship. NOT that 80/20 rule either. (If you don't know what that is, then watch Tyler Perry's movie, Why Did I get Married?) I related to the character that Jill Scott played. I've been in a relationship where, I figured if I changed something about myself then he'll appreciate that more. Regardless, if it's my hair, make-up, clothes, or attitude. I found myself hating him at the end but most importantly, mas as hell at myself. I will be loved one day but someone who Love's all of me. I will change on my own! Dam that if you think I'm pretty but not as pretty as that model or girl on the street. Well then you be with her!!! Life is too short for me to find myself through your personal downfall. I learn to love me for all I have and posse.
I'm a woman of little games and a lot of patience. So my time is precious and it's wasting....

A Wanted Love

(Unknown)

I want to love. I want to love. I want love like no other. I want to enjoy life, skip into the leaves, run with the breeze. I want to love and learn. I want to give into love well earned. I want to laugh and live within that moment. I don't want to never ever miss a time that could have been well spent.

I want to fly in the trees, sing with the bees. I want to love. I want love. I want to love you everyday that God has planned. I want to grow old with you, lay lazily on the beach and play in the sand. I want to say I love you as you place that ring on my hand. I want to love you so I can shout your beautiful name towards the land.

I want to love. I want to love. I want to love that one God sent man. I want to love to learn to love and hate you. I want you to love me when I'm feeling blue. I want to have kids with you. I want them to adore our love as much as I do. I want to smile everyday knowing that I'm blessed. I want to love harder over time. I want to look you into your eyes when I tell you that little white lie.

I want to feel your every presence. I want you to come inside me too. I want you to love me unconditionally as much as I do. Get to know me, the real me. I want you to take me. I want to smell you and vision you before my eyes do. I want you to kiss my little part of my neck that makes me wonder every time.

I want to love, I want to love, I want to love you....whoever you are?

Written 12/16/2007

Why are you bothering me??

Please explain this to me...Why do people steady bother you or try to get on your last nerve when they know that you didn't have a good day?? Do it get you off to get me to the point where I want to cuss you out and don't think twice about it?? Obviously, everything you say and do is irritating and upsetting my train of thoughts! So with that being said, please try to avoid to get me to the point of no return!!!

Sorry you guys but I had to release that anger that quick! But that opens up my blog so let me move on with my point....I'm not having a good day (obviously) and it seem like the devil been on my case all week but yesterday was the final breaking point. Stress is a very serious thing and I try to stay away from what can bother my health. Whoever believes that it's not something out there that talk to people and make them come out their norm and get on your bad side, they're a lie! The devil is always working through people to get you down, take you to the point of giving up but DON'T! I've been to the point where I was willing to give up everything. My car, money, job and social life just because stress was killing me. Alot of people ask me how did I supersede it all? Easily, I prayed and believed. YES I do believe in God as my Lord and savior. I always had God there with me but I wasn't ready for him. I was young, dumb and full of ....well you know the rest. LOL. But I gave up alot to get where I'm at but all in good favor. I gave up men, friends, places, bad language and negative thinking. As a result, I got everything else that I need. A piece of mind, happiness, fullfillness, and overwhelming feeling of love. I've meet some amazing people that help me through my progress and I'm still being molded everyday and I'm loving it like McDonald's. :)

Now I was pissed at the beginning of this blog but when I thought of where I came from and what I have planned for my future, I feel sooooo much better! It's amazing how God works through me. But I know that devil is working to do something to make me mad and bother me again but I'm going to attack him with prayer and heavy devotion. In times of stress, we need to take our mind out of the physical and get in touch with your spiritual realm. Remember God loves you all!!!

God Bless

Usher-Trading Places

UMMM the best one he's made so far...