A heartless man

I can honestly say I've met my share of men. Some overwhelming, mean, rude, heartless, loving, caring, hopeless, etc. But nothing has prepared me for what I went through recently.....

I've have given a lot of thought to my upcoming relationships. I never want to be what I use to be. Cold and distant. I've missed my chance at love because of that once but never again I promised myself. I know underneath all that thick layer of skin, I'm a very loving and carefree person. Once I let my guard down, they do get to see that. But they always take that for granted. I thought that maybe if I give my heart another chance, I wont be blocking my upcoming blessings.

I've decided to share my intimate feelings about a man whom I've been wanting for a long time. I watched and waiting for this man for months. I did my research, made sure no one else was trying to take the bait and let things flow. I didn't want to seem desperate or crazy so good things come to those who wait. I waited patiently, dying to tell him how I really feel. I finally gotten my chance months ago. I spilled this man, my deep feelings. Everything that I been replaying in my mind, over and over again. I finally got it out! I felt relived once he knew the truth. At first he was taken back but flattered. Afterwards, we were inseparable. I had finally gotten the chance to selfishly have him for myself.

We of course like any other "couple" who first start to get to know each other, have their spats. No serious arguments but I never understood why this man never gave me information, simple information. It wasn't like I was trying to hack into his account and take all his money, have his baby and take over his life. I was intrigued about this man. I like older men and he was perfect. Little did I know this man was a lie. He was a secret which I felt wasn't right but I kept telling myself that I'm fine. Everything will work out in the end. I was lying to myself and God. It's amazing how God place people, places and things in your view to stop you from making the same mistake but I wanted to be hard headed. I put myself out there, mind, body and soul. Without hesitation, I always made myself "available." I was mentally setting aside time to spend with him but he wasn't doing the same. I gave without wanting anything in return. I loved unconditionally.

He hurt me really bad. To my soul. My core. He accused me of lying to him and I didn't. We never crossed that threshold of becoming one, boyfriend/girlfriend but he treated me as such and so did I. I wanted him so long, why would I bother with anything else? He completely cut me out of his life within a matter of hours. Deleted me like I meant nothing to him. Stated that I lied for no reason and I knew the real reason why he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I was crushed, clueless. How can you tell a person goodbye and don't explain to them why you don't want them anymore? I didn't just loose a lover but I lost a friend. I enjoyed his company, his masculinity, his jokes, smile, his stories. I was smitten in can say. But he didn't feel the same.

I can honestly say I don't know why we fell apart. He took my heart stomped on it, let it bleed and laughed in my face. He was someone I didn't really know. I thought this was a man who was ready to love but I was wrong. He clearly has some emotional/trust issues that I can not help him with. What he needs to do before he allows anyone else in his life is to understand true communication, definition of love and sacrifice. Those three things that he doesn't possess right now. I do and always will love the man whom I kept close to me. He was my secret, my prize, my trophy. It hurts but I rather had that experience then never. I learn from each and every experience. I prepares me for each battle that I conquer. In the past I would have said "fuck love" but I'm saying I'm ready to love again. I'm not letting that "baggage" affect my future. God blessed me by hurting me. It'll hurt for a little bit but it'll feel so much better once the storm is over.

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a teardrop." Anonymous

The "Sexy" Smoker

I titled this blog post "sexy smoker" because of a discussion I had with a male coworker of mines. I stated to him and his supervisor at work that I dated a smoker before and preferably not again. After them asking why I explained to them that whenever I kissed that guy I tasted the nicotine! I could have went home and brushed my teeth, woke up the next morning and still taste the cigarette!

My coworker whom I call "Superstar", said Megan Good smokes and he'll date her any day regardless of her bad smoking habit. That's something that I didn't understand. How can you look past that bad habit? Superstar said "because its MEGAN GOOD JAMALE!!!" Yea that's all fine and dandy but you have to look at how she'll look like in 5-10 years.

A lot of people look past this bad habit because its become accepted greatly in our community. I'm not going to lie, I have tried a cigarette when I was in the 7th grade. We all looked up to those "cool kids" growing up and saw that they were doing it, so it must have been ok, right? WRONG!!! From that first puff, I felt my lungs overwhelmed with smoke and I immediately started coughing. Soon after that I also was diagnosed with asthma so I knew my "smoking days" was over!

I was trying to explain to Superstar that even though Megan Good looks nice now, her habits don't! Superstar's supervisor stated that he dated a girl whom had smoked. He didn't mind it in the beginning but then later into the relationship he noticed that if she didn't get that cig, she would be a complete BITCH! I shook my head in agreement. I have family members whom smoked since the rip ages of 11-15 and now well in their 70's. I have noticed if they don't get that cigarette, they have the worse attitude and headache until they get that cigarette.

Have you ever noticed that when the smokers go outside during a break how relived/happy they are once that cigarette is lightened and smoke is inhaled? That's what kills me. That one little cancer stick give you that much joy? Why can't people just get high off life? Enjoy what God has placed here on Earth for them naturally. I never want to be looked at sideways because of a heavy addiction such as smoking. To me, women who smokes disgust me. No offense but how can you claim that to be cute?

Beauty is something that we're blessed with when we're born. Beauty isn't something that is seen physically but also something that is shown in our personality. So how can you kiss/love someone whom loves that addiction more than you? Superstar said he had the affect to ask Megan Good to quit that addiction if he wanted her to. I laughed and gave him and example. What if she got pregnant and she was still smoking? Superstar and his supervisor stated that she wouldn't do that. They believed that a woman would stop because of their motherly instinct will kick in and they would stop.

What a lot of people fall to understand is that a lot of women really don't stop. Their addiction is that strong that they can't find the strength to stop. Even though a child will be a good reason to do so, they can not find the will power to accept that challenge. They didn't believe me. Superstar wanted stats and facts. He wanted me to name some people that I know who didn't stop smoking once they became pregnant. I politely named three people. Now that's only three people I know but there are a lot more women that do smoke while with child.

This whole conversation goes back to my original point, smoking isn't sexy! The nicotine companies make it seem its the coolest thing to do but its really not. Millions of people die everyday people of cancers due to cigarettes. So why decrease your life span? Megan Good won't always look that way. Cigarettes is slowly pulling the life out of her just like any other person who smokes. I'm not picking just on Megan Good, she was just an example that Superstar put forth. But she's a great example of how people would put beauty over their normal standards/expectations. We get wrapped up, relaxed and care free about someone whom we want so bad that we forget what we need.

Now ask yourself if you don't smoke, would date a smoker just because they're everything that you want and more? *think about the consequences*
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A "Fools" Interpretation of Love

Love can be defined as many things. Webster can have a simple definition to the feeling. But to me, you can't describe what you sincerely feel. I can hide my feelings outwardly but internally. I'm doing jumping jacks.

I've been asked many times," how do you know you're in love?" To me you can't answer that unless you know what love is. Love is a host of feelings and interpretations balled into one. It's an unbearable feeling of warmth and pleasure filled pain. You really can't control how you feel or the way you express your feelings.

To me love is expressed in many different ways. The old fashion way of showing a person you love them is by saying "I love you" or buying numerous amounts of gifts. But thanks to creativity and technology you have unlimited ideas to express your love. Although, that's all fine and dandy, but I prefer to say the words, "I love you." Why you ask? Because words are so much stronger than actions......

You can show a person all the polite and right ways to express your love but looking into that persons eyes and say sincerely that you love them, that's deep. Emotions overflow as you look that person into their eyes and say that. Now remember when you first told your significant lover that you love them? Those emotions, the chills, the joy, the "love"? Yea that's what love really is. A bundle of the overflow of emotions.

When you mix all those wonderful emotions and express to that person how much you feel, that's an indescribable feeling. But when you tell that person that you love them, make sure you mean it, say it with pride and feel what you say. A heartless "I love you" is painful. Its a lie! Something that should never be taken for granted! There is so many people that missed that opportunity to tell their loved one how they really feel because of their pride, lies or guilt. Don't miss your chance!

When I love, I love hard. I go all out for mines. If it takes me a whole year to tell that man that I sincerely love him, then I'll do so. I don't play with my heart or anyone else's' so I mean what I say. I don't know why people have lost the connection with one another and don't appreciate the true meaning of love. Millions of people have become cold, heartless and shameful. I understand why because the world has become so cold. But I'm striving to be better than that.

I want to live and learn to love harder and better. I've been hurt so I'm bitter but I still some how love. Its no better feeling than being in love. Its an addiction, a fear, a cause and a fault. But we all find ourselves falling back into love.
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Nail Color of the Week

Hello People!

This is this weeks' Nail color. Enjoy!!

Flying Dragon (Neon)

Pillow

The sheets are being gripped tightly as I'm painfully getting pleased. Pillows smother me as I scream. I'm lost. Lost in a tightly woven web of lust. Lust that tastes bittersweet.

Eyes closed. Head back as I take many deep breaths. Deeper you go, louder I scream. I can't breathe, I'm losing my scream. The music drowns out my cries for help to the Lord. I brought this upon myself.

I toyed with you. Teased you. Made yo u wait. Now you're on attack. You want me to feel and remember the pain. Slow strokes, deeper as you go. I clinch. I reach. You pull away. You want to toy with the moment. Internally laughing at how much you got my body going.

I pull away. You tell me to suck it up and be strong. I'm trying. I'm trying to maintain my cool but the voodoo that you put on me have me confused. I want it. I yearned for it. So I'll gracefully accept it as I scream into the pillow.

Nail Polish Color of the Week

Hey People! Happy December! I know I haven't done this in a while but I need to go back to show you guys my nails. Yes I still do polish them, I do my toenails more than I do my finger nails though. LOL. But anyway, my nail polish color of the week is called Black Cherry by Milan. Enjoy!

Video

When I first saw this def poetry video, I cried! I know alot of you probably thinking I'm crazy as hell but I'm dead serious! I felt the same pain and spoke the same words as her. I haven't seen this video in years but it came to my mind to go find it on YouTube so I wanted to share this with you all. This video is dedicated to all those who have loved and lost! Enjoy!

Prayers Unanswered

Have you ever found yourself mad at yourself or even God? Things aren't going your way or you can't seem to find yourself reaching towards the top. We all go through this throughout our lifetime. We don't understand nor want theses trails and obstacles but its what makes up stronger.

Over the past two years I have found myself upset with myself for repeated mistakes and decisions. But what I know I have noticed is that I change the way I make my decisions. I have changed internally! I'm still working on me.

When I'm now unsure, confused, sad, happy or lost I find myself crying out to the Lord. My prayers are my hidden thoughts, fears and words that I NEED to get off my chest. I may not understand what my next step will be but I need that clarity from God. Right now I find myself again upset with myself. Why you may ask?......

I'm tired! I'm tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of focusing my positive energy on negative people. When you send out your energy on people, you're suppose to get what you put forth. Now that's a pretty common sense idea but when you keep meeting selfish people its different. I have realized that I keep meeting selfish/self centered, careless people. I go to God in prayer and ask him for clarity and guidance but it seem like I don't get any help.

Is God nicely punishing me? Is he allowing these things to happen to push me towards my purpose? What do I need to do??? I'm confused into what I need to do, where I should go and what do I need to change? I'm frustrated!!! I'm trying to stay focus and grounded but it seems to me right now that I'm stuck. I'm going in circles. I keep falling and getting back up. Why?....

I'm scared to ask God that;why? Why do I go through what I'm going through now? Why can't I get the opportunities, chances and better options? I know God will deny some things that aren't right for you but when will I receive the chance to have the "real thing." I know I don't ask for much. Believe it or not, I'm a very simple person with complex decisions. But God know the desires of my heart.
Patiently waiting....
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Magnets

"my *crush*"

Two souls from a different world, a different time, a different mind set. Walked different paths to end up at the same crossroads. Facing one another with smiles and compassion.

We're lost in our own thoughts. Stuck in between a 10 year difference but that doesn't stop us. We're drawn to one another uncontrollably. Tensions run high, souls on fire, while minds roam free. I want you......

You want me......

We played. We flirted. We danced. Now it's time to let go of all fears. Let our minds free, explore each others bodies, enjoy each others kiss. We're so far but so close. Our bodies are fighting this feeling but our souls eventually will win........

Magnets push to pull but they also stick together like glue. Based on their electrical charge, it'll either do one of the same. But love is the name of the game. We will move our bodies to the same rhythm. In tune our minds to form into one. Beatting the congos. Magnets pushing to pull......

Pushing to pull, pull to push. In and out. Up and down. Our bodies will move to the rhythm of this electrically charged beat. We're magnets. Postivite and negative. Two poles from different atmospheres. Two souls from a different world, a different time, a different place, laying here occupying the same space.....we're magnets

GodS

I am an unique individual that can be difficult to understand. I am a strong young woman that can handle any man. I am a fool sometimes that can make mistakes. I am a creative woman with a beautiful face. I am someone who is mischievous in a nice way. I am my words, something that you can never say. I am someone who is nothing more and nothing less. I am a GodS!

LEO

I can close my eyes and revisit that moment in time where we bent minutes into seconds and made it ours. We were intertwine into one another. Together we both forgot about our problems, struggles, issues, baggage and insecurities. That night time was on our side.

The way you kiss me leaves lasting impressions in my memory. I can close my eyes and touch you, feel you; I can even taste you. As your tongue manages it's way deep inside my throat, I let go. I let into your caress. Your hands aggressively touches my face as you yearn and fiend for more of my minted lips. You smile at me. I melt.

I want you. I want you badder than the fiend need his next hit. I want to feel you inside of me. Taking all of me inside of you. Touching spots that haven't been touched in years. Kissing places that I've dreamed of. Do whatever you want to me. Tease me, please me. Want me.

Time stopped that night with you. I felt as though I found the man whom I prayed for. The man whom God has promised me. I can close my eyes and hear you whisper in my ear all the nasty things dreamed. I feel you smiling at me. I feel you touching me. Roaming through my jungle woods, enjoying the sounds. You kiss me in my dreams. You haunt my thoughts. You have control of my mind. You're the King to my untamed jungle.

Written 8/27/2009

The Stepchild of Society

I'm only accepted because I can benefit you in a way.

When I'm not needed, I'm pushed to the side and unloved because my skin isn't fair.

I am stepped down upon because of my nappy hair.

I'm talked over because my conversation isn't the center of attention.

I'm silent.

I'm withdrawn.

I'm barely even there.

Misunderstood is my middle name.

I'm a lack of many shames.

I scream louder to be heard.

But no one still hear my pain.

I dress sexier but no one even look my way.

I am unwanted because I don't "fit" within the normal limits.

I'm constantly being disrespected because I'm that "fat friend with a pretty name."

I don't fit.

I don't belong.

I'm an outcast to what they consider a norm.

I am ugly yet pretty in a way.

I am tolerated but not wanted.

I'm never begged or pleaded to stay.

My skin feels foreign to me.

Is this who God really placed me here to be?

I'm silent.

I'm withdrawn.

I'm a stepchild to this society to which we all belong.

I Walk Alone

I stood in the world alone, facing the East skies. Crying silently, hoping the heavens will hear me. Finally facing defeat, I walk alone.

I'm misunderstood and no one understands my pain. I'm lost. I'm alone. I scream and no one hears me. Do I need to scream louder? Do I need to be someone else for people to understand me? Do I need to follow the in crowds for people to recognize me?

I chose a path not much traveled. I chose a life that many will pass on. I chose an attitude that many will not like. I was born alone. Facing a world that's harsh and heartless. No one cares. No one truly understand.

I stand facing the sun. Praying that the sun won't blind me. My tears dried from the heat. My skin is kissed gently, one layer at a time. I yearn for understanding. I long for an equilibrium. I was born alone. I will die alone. So I walk alone.....

Written 8/15/2009

Running

(Joshua)

I'm dreaming a dream that will never come true. I'm falling in love with someone that I've never knew. I find myself running back to a love thats brand new.

I'm lost.
I"m alone.
I'm confused.

Why do I find myself back to a situation that I thought I left behind? Only to fall back into a depressive state of mind. Why do I love you? Why do I even care? When I needed you, you were barely even there.

The noise is too loud.
My world is turing upside down.
My head dives in the palms of my hands.

I've cried so many tears over you. I've lost so much pride when I'm not with you. I've let myself go because of you. Because of you, I don't want to love again! I feel loving is a complete lost and a blind sin.

I'm running.....
I'm running.....
I'm running.....

I swear to God I want to let you go but I don't know how. You have been my yearly dose of medicine. I fiend for you. I breathe your air. I inhale your colonge even when you're not there. I touch you, I feel you, I yearn for you. You have been my "pusha man" for so long, I don't know how it feels to be sober anymore.

My soul is weak.
I can't breathe.
I'm in a manic state of mind.
I'm running, I'm running
I gotta run away from you........

Written 8/5/2009

A Church to Call MY Own

Once I finished college I decided that I was going to go back to my home church and participate in almost everything. I was very focused and determined to get myself together spiritually. So that following month, June 2005, I started off at vacation bible school. I pushed my mom to attend every evening sermons and other activities they had. I was super excited to be back at my home church. But something wasn't right in my soul. I wasn't receiving the word correctly. I wasn't feeling welcomed. I wasn't feeling like I belonged. This small church that I once knew wasn't the same. They have since moved into a huge, mega church while I was away in college. They seem to have so many "funds" you can donate to. The Pastor stepped back and let other Ministers preach the word. By the end of the summer I knew I had to move on and get another church to fulfill my soul.

There I was again lost in the world without a place to call my home. To upkeep my attendance in the church, I attended church at my grandmother's church. This is our family church which all the grandchildren, aunts, uncles and cousin still gathered together for numerous amount of activies. The parishioners there are wonderful people and the Pastor is a wonderful guy. But all the members including the Pastor are well past my age. I have no one to relate to. They don't have alot of ministries nor do they do alot of community activities. So I knew that was a church I'll just visit occasionally.

I started a new job March 2008 and started telling one of my coworkers about my church woes. She agreed with me on some many levels how she went through some of the same situations. She told me I'm more than welcomed to visit her church home. I expressed to her that I wanted a small, humble church home. Somewhere I feel safe but my soul can receive it's weekly feeding of the word. She then told me her church might be a perfect fit for me. I was thinking initially I heard that before but let me give it a chance. So on June 2008, I visited her church. Instantly, I was smothered with nothing but love and overwhelming welcomes. Everyone was so nice and understanding. The Pastor was someone that everyone could relate to. He was once out there in the streets doing everything wrong under the moon and sun. He was once a heroin addict, womanizer and someone whom carried an anger problem. That first sermon was amazing. The church was absolutely amazing! I immediately went home and prayed to God to please show me if this church is right for me. By the next Sunday, I found myself at the church's alter giving myself to the church.

I was overwhelmed with so much joy and happiness! I finally found the church that I felt so comfortable with. I lived the word. I spread the word. I gave up alot of things. Such things as ways of thinking, attitude, men, friends and money. Everything that needed to be done right, I did it. I did it without hesitation because I believed in what I was doing was right. My church family was my extended family. I told my coworkers, my family and friends about this church all the time. I got my mom to come out and visit too. So from the months of June thru October I was very dedicated to my church. I was so proud of myself because I've never been so focused and dedicated to something so small but big in my whole life.

After the election of Barack Obama, we all went to church overwhelmed with pride! My church all worked so hard to promote Obama and his campaign so we in a way went to hear the word but celebrate in the process also. The Pastor opened up his sermon about the winning campaign of Obama so the sermon's subject was about CHANGE. We all listened closely as we all took in the word and examples of the sermon. Near the end of the sermon, the Pastor asked us all were we all ready for a change? Of course we all are ready for a change. We're Christians and we have to change everyday with the times. But his next words were a shock to our souls. He told us that that Sunday was the last Sunday in the building! We were like huh? Him and his wife decided to merge our congregation with his Pastor's congregation. At first we thought some of those church members were coming to our church but then he explained further that WE were closing doors. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. How did this happen to me?

The following Sunday we were suppose to all meet up at the other church to be introduced to the whole congregation. But I couldn't get myself out of bed that morning. I had a mini anxiety attack. It finally set in that my "perfect" church was gone. How could the Lord give me such a beautiful church and take it away from me in the matter of five months? In such a small time, I changed some pretty big things. I was devastated! Therefore, I couldn't find myself out of bed that Sunday nor no Sunday after that. I still prayed and kept my eyes on God no matter what. I also talked to my coworker whom introduced me to the church almost everyday about my feelings. During the closing of the church doors, she was out on maternity leave so I had to call her to tell her about the closing. She and her husband didn't believe me until they rode past the church and saw the Realtors lock on the door. She cried. We cried.

The Pastor decided to call or email each one of his members because apparently alot of people didn't merge with the new church. From what I heard from my coworker, she said only 3 people merge with the new church out of over 50 members. That's alot of people that was obviously hurt and devastated. Finally I emailed the Pastor to let him know how I really felt about all the transformation. Within the email, I explained to him how hurt I was and how much him and his wife have motivated me to change directions in my life. How dedicated and serious I was about the church for it to only close it's doors in my face. His simple reply was that he was the overseer of the church and he and his wife saw it best to close the doors. No explanation, no apologies, no love! I felt lost, hurt and pained. How dare you close the doors without your paying congregation and without the elders knowing?? He simply left everyone hanging!

After that I didn't know what to do about that situation. I wanted to go see this new church but I couldn't find myself doing so. First of off it's a "mega church" with three locations, you have to make appointments to see the Pastor, it's too far and I wouldn't feel comfortable. So I decided against it. Since then I really haven't attended church. Not because I lost my faith but because all these surrounding churches are just too big! I'm a woman that like small, southern style churches. I love the unity of small churches and the intimacy of them. They care and love their members. They didn't loose focus of what it is to still suffer. Like I'm doing now, suffering.

When YOU should Let Go of an Ex!!!!!

We all, regardless of sex, have gone down that lonely road of revisiting the thought of an ex boyfriend/girlfriend. For some of us it works out perfect and for others it can be quite a learning experience. Like many bloggers, I want to share my experience and lessons learned from revisiting that terrible road of MISSING AN EX.

So there was this guy that we'll name "Mark." Mark was a high school sweetheart of mines. Someone whom I would have done anything for. I would have "cut a bitch" over him, ride or die, and even layed down and had his kids. (Woooooaaahhh, deep I know! LOL) But the point is, I love that man. I love that man even when everyone wanted him for all that he could offer them. You see he was a start athlete, a man of many jokes, dressed fly as hell and all the girls wanted him. BUT he wanted me! We had this attraction towards one another that no one could break apart. I was taken back how much this man loved me in high school but I loved every minute of it. After high school, I ventured out to college. At my university, it was a "handful" of African Americans because I went to a majority white school. But that didn't stop me from taking trips home to explore the company of other men. Can you believe at one point in time I was boy crazy??? Funny huh?((DISCLAIMER: I WAS FAR FROM A HO!!!)) But that's what most young, attractive girls do when they go off to college. I've met so many different types of men and from each of them they were a lesson learned but I always seemed to run back to Mark.

We always met back on common ground, LOVE. We knew we loved each other but sometimes because of our age and maturity we couldn't really get too serious to express our real feelings. He was getting pretty serious about me my last semester at college. So serious to the point that this man proposed to me. That was a huge shock for me because for one it was in front of my mother and for two he was actually very serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. That to me is a serious commitment and I adored him but I was too young (21) to really take this man serious and I wasn't ready to officially become Mrs. (fill in the blank). Hell at the ripe age of 21, I was just understanding me and learning to really love me and other people but I knew I loved him. We soon broke apart to eventually come back together 2 years later. Again at that time I wasn't really ready to accept his "seriousness" about me because I had too much on my plate. I was really stressing! I had my own apartment, bills out the waaaaa zoo, student loans and working three jobs! How can I really take this man into my life if I'm dealing with a million and one things at that time. Need less to say, we broke apart. But this time it was all my fault. I pushed away a man whom I took for granted. I believed that he was coming back and I had no worries, I'll see him next year. Well hell, little did I know this man wasn't coming back.



The following year, I was hurt! I literally dropped to my knees and prayed to God. I prayed that this man will be allowed to be back into my life because I know out of all the men I've ever been with, loved or wrote about, he actually loved ME. It was some sad, sad days to come after those many prayers. I really did believe that that was my husband, the man of my dreams, my knight in shinning armor. Little did I know. It actually took me three years to find out the truth. Thankfully for the Internet, I found my high school sweetheart. I was ecstatic to see his face again. I nearly cried because I prayed for him for three years and there he was. So looooooong story short, we started talking again. We agreed to take things slow and allow us to get to know the adults that we have become. That was excellent until the "Mr.Hyde " side of him came out. This man was acting really weird to the point I was questioning my prayer for him. He actually became this man whom I've never know before. Mark became this man that loved differently. He wasn't affectionate, delicate, loving or concerned. He actually became a loner, mean, nonchalant, a PLAIN ASSHOLE! He took my love, admiration and compassion as me being pressed for him, smothering him or rushing him into some feelings.



I was a little lost and confused? What happened to this man in between the years that we've been apart? Was it the ex's in between? Was it the last impression he had of me in my youthful days? Or was he really running from commitment? I was crushed; nearly devastated when he told me that I was nagging him!!! WTF how the hell am I doing that if I'm deeply, truly concerned for your loner ass? Now let me get this straight.....I'm not one of those women who'll blow your phone up, leaving messages or pressed to come over your house. I'm a very simple person. I keep to myself until I want to let anyone into my space. If I'm feeling any gentleman I want to enjoy his time, masculinity, and his thoughts. I actually enjoy the everything about that person but I'm far from being pressed for any man so when he said that I immediately fell down into this dark place. I was back at square one of loosing someone whom I thought I loved. Little did I know that the man that I once loved isn't that person anymore. He's not that man that once loved me more than I loved myself. He's some alien, a stranger, a ghost, a pure memory.........



It hurts deeply because I thought I found that knight that came to save me again. That man whom I was ready to change my last name for eventually. The love of my life. ALL WRONG! I prayed and prayed only to be let down but in reality I wasn't. It took me the following week to realize that God brought this man back in my life so I can stop praying for something that doesn't exist anymore. He was once a lover, a dream that shouldn't be renewed. At this point in time I felt like a big dummy that didn't take their own advice, "never go backwards, always press forward."

But don't take my meekness for weakness!

Bitter Bitch

You wonder why do I act like this? Well I have to politely remind you that I'm a result of what I've been dealt. I want to change, I really do but no matter how nice, open, sweet, and content I try to be another motherfucker like you come fuck me over. You see I've been cussed at, cursed, screamed, pushed, abused and even misused. But I clearly try to have that continuous smile even though I know I'm dying inside. You sensitive ass niggas make me sick to see how openly hurt you are. Yes your heart was broke by some chick you thought you loved. But look at us women who give love another try over and over again. We carry the worlds on our backs with an unborn child in our womb, the sun in our face, people spitting at our presents and you claim you had a bad day. We have had our children ripped from our walls because some brother didn't want another baby mother, we have bathed you, dressed you, feed you, helped you, washed your dirty ass clothes for you. Shit nigga I have even cleaned your shitty ass for you when you were too sick to do so. We had fell down to the floor in prayer for you. Asking God for one more chance with you. We have put ourselves to the side in order not to hurt or jeopardize your pride. You have asked up repeated would we lie or rather die and look at how many times we looked you in the eye and say I rather die! We have our lives sucked out of us every time one of our kids cry for another taste of our nipple. But again we politely reply. How dare you come out of your mouth and say I was a waste of your damn time when you had a audacity to have a bullshit ass alibi! I am your mother, your sister, your lover and your friend til the end. So you better think twice before you step to this bitter bitch again.

Written 11/28/2007

Time and Distance

(Chester)

As the wind blows slowly but softly through the leaves,

it took me back to that time when our relationship

where you would run your fingers through my hair.

I really love you threw and threw.

Your smile made me happy,

your silly jokes made me laugh.

I miss you dearly.

I now only get to visit you in my dreams.

I replay our old memories in my mind over and over again.

I thought and dreamed about you so much that I now

fantasize about what we could have been.

You haunt my every dream.

I can't help but to thank God for allowing me to be blessed to

love a wonderful man.

I guess you can say I love you now more that I have

ever loved you before.

I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt emotions you felt as I was

trying to figure myself out.

If God willing, I will love you more.

I will watch you while you sleep to make sure you don't miss

a beat.

I will be the shoulder that you can

cry on.

I will be that woman you wanted me to be.

But for now I'm just a stranger to your future.

I tear up at the thought of how stupid I was to leave you.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

I just hope and pray that you're happy.

I will always love you until the end of time.

Written 8/20/2007

Happy Father's Day

How can I congratulate a dad that I never knew? Seems every time I turn around he acts so brand new. How can I love someone that always shows the most disrespect? Or he can't even show how much he loved you by a simple peck. How can one be called a role model when I don't look up to him like an idol? I didn't really have any fatherly guidance. All because of the constant violence. I went out and got the love from others. Oh how I feel so sad for my brothers. I hope and pray that they don't grow and be just like you. By the way their kids won't grow up and say have a FUCKED UP FATHER'S DAY!

The Ugly Duckling

I've always thought I was different from most girls. I've never fit in the crowds. I've never wanted the same things. I've always strived for the better things in life. I wanted to live loud, free and worry less. But I was always pushed to the background in my younger days stepped over or looked down upon.

Some may know me personally and others my not but one thing for sure is I have insecurities just like any other woman. But mines go deeper than most. My parents always told me how beautiful I was, how smart I was or how proud they were of me but I lacked those compliments from others. Girls gain their confidence and attitude based on what their peers feed them. I was always the smart, nerdy girl whom was quiet but I was always overweight. Due to all those attributes I gained low self esteem and no attention growing up. Now I did have some pretty cool friends but in a way I was kind of jealous of them. I wanted the cute boyfriends, the nicest clothes, the weekend trips to different places, the funny extended family. I thought I was missing something growing up. I didn't realize how much my parents sacrificed, gave into, or provided so I could be the woman I am today.

Growing up my self esteem was low. I thought I was ugly, a weird child, a nerd.....a soul lost. I wasn't light skin with pretty eyes, my hair wasnt flowing down my back, I didn't develop my body shape as quickly, I wore baggy clothes, I still did things I thought was "normal" for my age group. I was always competing with myself to be better than the next girl. And none of the video vixens they had in the videos didn't help my esteem any better. I wanted for once to be that "girl" that everyone wanted, talked about or hung around. I felt as though I was that "ugly duckling" that was in that story. I was black, ugly and looked down upon by those didnt know or understand me. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted those thoughts to go away. I never did anything to hurt myself but I did find myself seeking within. I only talked when I felt as though it was safe because I didn't want the attention. I only wanted to do things that I felt was cool to do because I didn't want to feel like I was "behind" the times by those that didn't understand me. I looked at myself in the mirror plenty of nights and cried. I wanted to be different. I wanted to change what I looked like. I wanted to be another Jamale. I really wanted to be lighter like my mother but with lighter colored eyes. What's so funny is at one point in time, I wanted to wear only light colored contact contacts. I envied my cousins on my materal side of the family for having that long brown hair flowing against their yellow complexed skin. But little did I know, one of my cousins felt like the black sheep in the family because she was too light. I never thought of that dilemia until one day she expressed that concern to me. Self hate was a disease that needed to be cured but I had no solution.........

After long nights of crying myself to sleep because of self haterated, I realized years later how much the world was actually tearing me down. I was allowing the boy's fantasies, wants and desires to control my thoughts. I was allowing the "in crowd" girls hold that glory of the lime light. I was allowing magazines, videos and ad's tell me how I "should" look, what size I should be and what I was missing. I was killing my soul, my spirit, myself......Once I started seeing myself as a being that God has made, I opened myself. I allowed myself to love me. I dont remember when the change happened exactly but once it started I was so relieved. My smile changed (braces), my attitude changed ( hung around positive people), my clothing changed (brought my own clothes) my lifestyle changed(socially active) and my mind changed (praying and listening to God more). I slowly increased my self esteem and accepting me for me. I was slowly falling in love with myself because I saw not that ugly duckling that turned into a swan, I saw potential. A potential friend, lover, spouse, mother, LEADER! Wow a leader, I thought. I didn't realize that I was an acutually leader. People flocked towards me. They loved me. They adored me. They simply accepted me. Not everyone did throughout my years but hell thats life. But what's most important, I dont cry no more because of my self image. I cry because I'm happy. I'm so overwhelmed with joy and priceless pride. I still do have my "insecurities" that deprive me of some happiness every now and then that I'm still battling. I'm now leaving those things to God. I can't change everything about myself but I can work on me to better me. No one will ever love me harder more than God and myself.

I am flawed tremedously but thats what makes me me. Thats what makes me who I achieve NOT to be everyday. That what makes people love or hate me. Thats what people accept, my flaws. I am a person who deserves to be loved, adored and cared for. I deserve the finner things in life just as equally or much as the next light skin/red bone African American woman. God made me and I can't change myself. No matter how much plastic surgery, make up, products I could use I'll still have the same worries, feelings and fears. Thats why I've finally came to the terms of accepting ME, the Swan.

I'm rich even when I'm poor

Most people on the weekends take time out for themselves, their family and friends. The weekend is a time for relaxation, laziness at its best, and a time for unlimited fun but this past Saturday I unselfishly went to feed the homeless.

I don't know if any of you have ever taken one of your Saturday mornings and feed those who haven't eaten in days. When you hear about the closing of some churches and non profits, I believe most people don't let it bother them. But for me it hurts my soul. I have no problem telling the world that I use to work for a non profit company ; Planned Parenthood to be exact! Now you may look down at me for working there but I take it as a learning experience. Luckily, I didn't work at the abortion site but we did receive the nasty phone calls and letters. Being there at that non profit organization have taught me so much. You don't know how much stress happens behind closed doors because the company is trying to stay a float.

This same stress can be applied towards these churches and organizations who help those who can't afford or do for themselves. This particular church I volunteered at was located in uptown DC, right in the heart of what you consider the upper class community. The community was surrounded with embassies, mowed lawn, healthy dogs running free and nice cars parked in 2 car drive way. It was a little bit of a shock to see once you walk into the churches dining room area to see the sadness on those peoples faces. They were so humble, so helpless, so hungry.

My job in the kitchen was to separate and plate the bread. As I fellow shipped with other men and women in the kitchen, I was humbling myself yet again. God always seem to put me in these situations where he needs to remind me of how blessed I actually am. Once we plated the food, it was time to serve the people. I held the tray while one of the other volunteers passed out the plates. You should have seen how some of the most humbled homeless people can become a vicious animal in a matter of seconds. They lose all sense of logical thinking, sense of control and respect. Hunger is the only thing that is leading their conscience.

We didn't even have enough to feed them all a second time around. I felt bad to see the look on their faces. I wanted to sincerely go out to purchase them all something to eat, drink and wear. Some of these people smelled so harsh, that it took my stomach back to an unwanted feeling of nausea. That's one thing that I don't understand, how can you smell like urine and not musk only? Do you simply urinate on yourself and then lay in it? That still bothers me. Once the lunch was over, one of the volunteers managed to make over 200 goodie bags for them. She requested from her friends, family, coworkers, neighbors and even strangers for donations to give to the homeless. This noble act was duly noted as the homeless humbly accepted the bags. Some was just grateful for what they received, some was being greedy and others wanted some other bag.

No matter what the reaction was, they loved they idea that they got some food and other goodies to take along the way. While standing there, passing out these goodie bags, you can clearly see the reaction on their faces. It hurts and humbles you all in the same breathe. I kept thinking what would I do if I was in their position? How did they get there? Why didn't their family help them? Simply why are you homeless? It pierced my soul with meekness.

I've been volunteering ever since high school. I've done numerous amount of activies such as mentor, teachers assistant, youth mentor, habitat for humanity, donations for families, suicide hot line counselor and the list goes on. But its always most important when you can actually reach out and physically touch that person. Everyone has a purpose to help one another. Pay it forward but many choose not to. But on Saturday I had to give to those that had little or nothing compared to me.

While driving home, I was worried that I wouldn't have enough money for my upcoming bills because I just brought a brand new car. But then I had to stop that line of thinking because I'm rich. Yes I'm actually very rich. Even on my worst day, I still have more than others. I have a clean bill of health, a job, a new car, a dog, a house, bank accounts, clothes and shoes. Just those little bit of blessings go a mighty long way. I can compare myself to celebrities but then I wouldn't be who I am today; HUMBLE.

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An eye for an eye.....A tooth for a tooth

This morning I woke up early because I actually went to bed early last night. After having a good day yesterday, it felt good to wake up from a good night sleep. While attending to my breakfast this morning, I was watching President Obama speak in Cairo,Egypt. It still amazes me how I was a part of history and helped this BLACK President into office!

He was speaking about the current issues around the world that needed to be addressed. Some issues such as North Korea's nuclear testing, Iraq's Muslims, the Taliban, Al-Queda and the list continues on. But basically he's really trying to merge these countries; all under peace. I'm so impressed by how he's really "trying" to solve these problems as soon as he stepped into office. I laughed how the news covered his first 100 days to make sure they capture any of his "mistakes" on camera. Luckily, he was on his P's and Q's!!

While I was watching his speech in Egypt, I couldn't help but to think how much this country has changed. We use to be friendly, happy, sympathetic and understanding. Regardless if it was toward other countries, we was there for people if they really need it. Within our country, we have become so harsh; cold. We was raised to be the hardest, the meanest, the toughest. Now it is human nature to have to the attitude only the strong survive but where is the love??

Back in the 1970's, people looked down to the "Hippies", I actually looked up to them. This division of people were what I called logical thinkers. They recognized that not everything need to solved by violence. They didn't always see Malcolm X's logic "By Any Means Necessary" always right. They did see something weren't going to be moved until a revolution was promoted. Now a lot of people will say that it was the drugs and alcohol that controlled their thought process at that time but NOT EVERYONE was high! Just remember during this time of "revolution" we had the Black Panthers, Nation of Islam and the Marcus Garvey supporters during this time to rise to power. But most importantly during this time, we had LOVE.

We supported one another, we loved deeply and genuinely and shared promotional ideas. When one person fell, we as a culture fell. It was never an issue of who was better. We didn't always agree but we all had a mutual admiration and respect. Love was promoted throughout the black community, hence BLACK POWER! The Black community saw our race as beauty, unique and superior. Obviously we did a lot to build this country and other countries, that a lot of times was swept under the rug or not given "true credit" until years later.

Also during this time, we started embracing our unlimited options of potentials. Instead of trying to blend in we went across the grain and embraced natural hair. We had afro's curly/bushy hair, Locs, braids and untamed hair. Just from evolution of hair we started the Rastafarian culture. They see their hair as pride and close to God! Now hair isn't the reason for the culture but they see their hair as a symbol of their religion status. Its unlimited beauty that's only embraced by some. But most importantly, they loved hard!

We haven't really learned to love in a long time. Our previous elders taught anger, hate, fear and religion all in one sentence. If you don't believe me, think back to when you were young, did any elder teach you to go to church, love God, yourself and your family then say don't ever really trust a white person? You don't see that as some form of hypocrisy? That don't make sense. That's fear and anger trying to take form within religion. My father and mother was a product of this concept but what's the different between those two is my father believe white people have underlying deceptions and my mom accept everyone regardless of race. It was my mom who motivated me to stay at my majority white university. It was my father who told me to not come home with a white boyfriend or he's "disowning" me. He still say that madness but he's not going to stop me from having happiness even if that includes me dating a white man.

God is love and we must never forget that. In order to supersede this violence we need to stay in God's vision. Love one another. Put differences aside. Learn and understand. Stop ignorance at the door. We may not agree but let's agree to disagree all while being respectful. Stop killing and hurting God's people! Its not always right to take an eye for an eye.
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Feeling good, Feeling great.....How are you???

Have you ever woke up one morning knowing you're going to be late for work or you're not really ready to go to work but you feel good??? Well that's how I feel today, I woke up not really feeling the motivation to get up and go to work. Now a days, I'm so like *blah* about going to work because I want so much more out of where I'm working. I'm very grateful and happy that I have my job but I wish sometimes I had a little more perks.

Anyway, while shutting the door to lock it, I noticed that my brother (pictured above with me) had the hood up to the car. He calls the car Eleanor so I asked him what was wrong with "her"? He looked up at me, mad as sh!t because the car wouldn't start. Right then and there, I wished that I could just run to his rescue and tell him forget the car and lets go to the dealership and pick out any car that he wanted. Yea I have a huge imagination but one of these days, I'll be able to do such adventurous things. Yesterday, he called me at work to ask him to pick up after work because the car didn't want to start. "Eleanor" sometimes have a mind of her own and she wants to start up whenever she wants. Now this is an older car (1996 Hyundai Elantra) so it'll have it's moments. But this wasn't the moment for her to be acting up. My brother had to make it to work because he had a meeting and where he works at, it's not really Metro accessible. So I understand and feel his pain. Luckily, if he needed me to pick him up or take him to work, we work nearly 25 mins down the street from each other.

What took me back a little later today was I was able to help my brother when he actually needed me. I know some of you all like, umm isn't that what you're suppose to be for your siblings but you don't understand. It's been times when I didn't have the means to help my brothers with anything almost a year ago. I've struggled and I'm still struggling but at least God has blessed me with a new car to help with little things. My brother and I both took the train in today to work. I sat next to him and blogged while he listened to his music. I smiled because through my blessings I'm blessing him. Even though it was something as simple as a ride to the Metro station, I'm there to help him. I don't really sit back and realize how much I help the little people. I work with patients that need mental help and I'm so excited to see their smiles on their face or the happiness in their stride after someone helped them without judgement.

I later sent both of my brothers a "I love you" text. Just a little thought to let them know that I am here for them no matter what. I love them more today than anything because all the drama and madness we've been through together. Sometimes you just have to take the time to tell your family how much you love or miss them and I did just that. I do get to see my older brother at least five times a month. He has his own family and responsibilities that he's taking care of so he can't always be around but he is always there for me when need be. So I decided that I've decided that I'll send out some emails and texts today just to see how my people is doing. I'm just feeling good, feeling great!!!!! Usually when I'm feeling extremely happy but nervous, I know God is blessing me :-) My break through is about to happen. I can feel it!!!

What's your type Ma?

When some of my friends or women that hardly know me ask me what type of men I like, I simply reply that I don't have one. A lot of people think I'm lying about something as simple as my type of men I like but to be honest, I have never put the much emphasis on my "typical" man I would talk to.

All my life, I always dated or been with men that are beautiful in their own way, never no one whom you couldn't say was cute. I'm not trying to sound vain but I do need something nice to look at. :-). When I try to show some of my female friends the type of men I dated, they can't believe how different my range of men have been. I've mostly only dated black men but I have dated Spanish men before also. All of them touch me in one way or another. But what really amuses me is that when I show some of those men I talked to before, some of the women ask "Girl, where did you meet him at" or "Damn." But the way they say it, is like they can't believe how a "girl like me" can manage to cop a man like that. See women like that I have to clearly stay away from.

Those type of women are what you clearly consider a HATER. They will try to either get with his closest friend or sadly your man. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with such fuckery. I manage to gain men based on being just me, Jamale! A lot of women don't look past the physical because we're always trying to compare ourselves to the next chick. I was guilty at one point in time doing the same thing. You'll see one sexy specimen of a man and wonder what the hell does he see in that fooly wolfgang woman of his. WOMEN STOP THIS THINKING! We have to be open minded enough to understand that man see something beautiful or special in that woman. Especially if he has children with her. I know I especially had to stop that thinking because maybe that's how other women was looking at me with those men. I am far from perfect but I do deserve to be happy with my man!!!

Back at the point at hand, my range of men vary. I've dated light skin, red bone, mixed, true black/blue, brown, caramel complexed men. Tall or short. Pretty teeth or crooked as a crook teeth. Or even the chubby ones. I believe you should really enjoy a great personality! That's what all my men had in common, a personality. The physical attribute is always a plus but that isn't the number one key characteristic that you need to rely on. All the men I've dated made me laugh, smile and feel special.

A woman wants to of course feel special, comfortable, and most importantly wanted. Even if I didn't get all those in one, I did enjoy it while it lasted regardless of the outcome. Every situation and relationship is a lesson learned. Trust me I've learned A LOT plus I'm still learning.

Now don't get me wrong, there are some physical attributes that I find sexy as hell! Such as pretty teeth, a wonderful smile, bedroom eyes, height, MUSCLES, tattoos and hygiene. But sometimes those things aren't always in that package that I received but I accept NO EXCEPTIONS for hygiene!!! I refused to date a nasty ass man!!! LOL. Boys will be boys but boo I NEED A MAN! So with all this being said, I'm officially saying I love them all. Sexiness come in all races and personalities!!

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Dating 101

A subject that a lot of people neglect is Dating. A lot of people date, enjoy dating or dread it like the plague. See for me, I'm a lilttle bit of all three. I enjoy getting to know someone; acknowledging and understanding their likes and dislikes. I love all the things that you can possilbily learn about a person over time but then again if they're a phony I HATE IT! I've been out of a relationship now since 2005 and all not by choice. When I do start talking to a guy that I find interesting, they find it strange how I've been out of a relationship for so long. I have to go through this long drawn up conversation about how my last ex "F'ed" me over and men now a days are just plain stupid. Of course them being the men they are, they'll sometimes take the guys' side. Thats respectable but not always right in my book. I have no baggage or hatered towards anyone so all that b-s they say doesn't really phase me. I've been through a lot in those past three years. And I'm still learning as the years progress.

Me personally, I believe you can tell a lot about how a person act and react to situations. You know how people say first impressions are everything, well they're telling the truth! People pay close attention how the opposite sex's behavior and their patterns. This is key when starting to date someone. I wanted to share some of my thoughts and experiences over the years since my last "boyfriend" so guys and girls will have an understanding of what's right and what's plain wrong......

A couple of months ago, I started reading the Steve Harvey's Act like a Lady, Think like a Man book. I found it to be quite interesting. Some of the material I already knew becuase A.) my brothers already taught me or B.) you learn from experience. But some of the key points that really interested me was a man's purpose, don't hold the "cookie" back from your man, support and love your man regardless of income and status, pay attention to titles that he introduce you as, pay attention to details, don't let a man rule you (you're in control) and lastly play the game like them but be a lady at all times. Those are just some key points that caught my eye. It's more details within those subjects but you will just have to read the book to understand the depth of it all. But to me Steve Harvey didn't point out all the details about relationships. I feel as though if he would have teamed up with maybe his wife, he would have had a more equally sexed book. (Thats just my opinion). Like I stated before, there are a lot of experiences and things I've been through or seen that changed my way of thinking tremediously!!!!

In 2005, after my last boyfriend, I found myself in a deep hole that I seem to have fallen in. I was scratching my way out but I really couldn't see the light. I was staying in the house, slowly making myself depressed. Now many of you all might say, "girl he's was just another fish in the sea" but our relationship was sooo much more. I will spare the details of that relationship but I became very depressed. I felt as though I've lost my friend, lover, husband and most importantly a piece of me. A little while later, I moved out to my own apartment. I was really single, sexy, free and on a prowl. I had friends by the many who was willing to go out with me anytime to any club, all while enjoying our early twenties. While in my apartment, I started talking back to my high school sweetheart. I LOVED this man to death! He proposed to me Jan. 2005 but I felt as though he wasnt ready. Now that we were "grown" I felt as though, I should give him another try.

*Lesson # 1*: Never go back, keep going forward because you never know who you could be missing in your future blessings.

I should have known not to mess with this man. He was a constant liar, a theif and a a show off. He always wanted to show me what he could possibily "give me if I needed it." But I was set, I never needed a man for anything. I cared for him deeply but in the long run, I was sadden by one thing........THE SEX! Yes I said it, the sex sucked sooooooooo bad. I could have cried because I dont know what happened from high school till then?????? Sorry but you can't move on in a relationship if he can't enjoy and "last" through the whole moment......

*Lesson #2*: No matter how much the person is "perfect" if you're not satisfied physically or emotionally, leave them alone!!!!

An old ex of mines came back into the picutre a little while after my high school sweetheart. Now this ex has always been a friend of mines so I never had any problems keeping in touch with him. Our chemistry was off the hook! He made me laugh all the time, truly nice when he wanted to be, sexy in a different kind of way and he made me soooo comfortable. But he had serious commintment issues. At that point in time, he was really feeling me BUT he wanted to get his buisness off the ground. I had to fall back and understand, this man has some goals that he need to accomplish before he incorparate into my life. As time goes on, we have problems here and there like any "couple" but once I moved out of my apartment, he changed. He was mean as hell, selfish and inconsiderate. I just couldn't believe how this beautiful man could change like this???

*Lesson #3*: Let people go when they're not treating you right. You deserve much better!!!

He told me how he saw me as being his wife, he wanted us to eventually move in together and raise our family all within the next three years. He told me he wanted to go give him until 2009 and he'll be ready for me and ready to give me all that I wanted and needed. In 2008, I changed my whole attitude! I fell back from clubs, alcohol, men and toxic people. He was one of those 'toxic people" but because of our freindship, I told him we could still be friends but he had the audactiy to tell me in October 2008, that if we can't talk or have sex then he has nothiing much to talk to me about *WOW* Now that was crazy to me!!! How can he do this me? So I polietly told him don't ever call me no more and hung up on him. What's so funny, he's been blowing my phone up since then but what's really funny, he called me just as recenlty as last week to tell me he has a baby on the way. That news took me back. How can you run from a commintment of a girlfriend but fall for a commintment of a baby?? Now how can that make any sense???

*Lesson # 4*: If a person give you too many excuses for a relationship, they don't want it. Don't incorparate anyone into your life emotionally or sexually until you're actually ready for the consequences.

*Lesson #5*: Always follow your gut feeling because it's your sixth sense telling you to go the oppisite way

*Lesson # 6*: Whenever having sex, make sure you're using a condom or some type of birth control. A lot of people are having a baby due to the moment of forgetfullness.

*Lesson #7*: Women are emotional creatures so whenever you say you're "doing you" we take that as you're beening an ass at the time and you're eventually come around to the thought of a relationship with us. Dont get mad at us when we expect or give an ultimatium of a relationship with you. When you have sex with us, we allow you to come into us and take a piece of us along with you. WE CHOSE YOU AS OUR MATE! We incorpate our feelings with sex so we we're assuming that you're feeling us that much to have sex with us. You see it as SEX, we see it as a FUTRUE. Think about it!

This is just two examples of the madness that I've been through but I have more and more stories to tell about liars, cheats, *criminals* and commintment phobes. But from my previous blogs yall can see that I seem to only attrack the freaks and plain rude men. I dont know what it is about me but I believe this is just my test and time in my life where I have to wait it out until the Lord bless me with the near perfect man of my dreams. So I'll wait and count my blessings until then. **PATIENTLY WAITING**

Color of the Week

Sorry you guys that I haven't been updating you all about my nail polish of the week. I have been painting my nails but I've been too lazy of putting them up on the blog. I'll make sure I'll paint them again over the summer and post them. But for this week my nail color is.......

Ruby Pumps by China Glaze

Now I'm really scared/shy about wearing Red because people use to always tell me that dark skin black women dont look right wearing red polish and lip stick. So this is a BIG step for me. People say I look fine but it's still something that I have to get use to....what do you all think???

Practicing Patience

You may look at me and see me as a normal person without hardly any flaws. Life is in some kind of order. Mind is focus and maintained. Beyond all that I'm very much flawed, insane, actually screaming in silence.
What you fail to understand is in fact I'm a normal woman but I don't have "normal" problems. Everyone is different, everyone have their own issues and daily headaches. But for me right now, I have too many obstacles. The Lord has blessed me with numerous blessings but at the same time, the devil is just as busy trying to destroy my soul. He wants me to give up; to simply give in. There is a spiritual war going inside both you and I. It all comes down to who's side you're going to take.

For the past two years, I have been making a visual board of the things I want to accomplish, things I want do, and places I want to go. But this year I decided I needed to take that down, I need to start from scratch, I need new ideas along with my new attitude. I need to actually do these things I want to accomplish by just doing them. Everyone have short and long term goals but for me, my goals make me who I am. They help me mature, gain knowledge and want more out of life. My goals are what makes me drive my ambitious attitude to the max!

I am a true believer your success is determined by how many obstacles you've surpassed. And let's just say I have my share of obstacles. I'm still til this day am working on my past obstacles that I need to work on daily. I am like every woman that have "baggage" from previous experiences. But unlike most, I don't hold my "baggage" towards new and exciting experiences. I am a work in progress! Like I said two years ago I had that accomplishment wall and I have crossed off quite a few goals. But one of the things that I couldn't visually put up on the wall was a prayer.

I asked God to teach me patience. Little did I know what they meant when people warned me, "Be careful what you pray for." I just believed if you go to God with a burden, he'll see fit in his time to bless you and take that burden within himself. But I soon and later discovered God had plans for me. I was living my life financially carelessly, my relationships was nonchalantly put to the side, partying was overwhelming and not having a care in the world because I felt as though I had time. I had plenty enough time because I'm single, sexy and free! But God had plans for me.

God saw the way I carried myself, relationships, money and attitude. I guess he decided he needed to humble me, make me grateful and appreciative. God took away my pride, money, men, dreams, hope and some freedom. He humbled me. Now when I say he took away those things from me, I mean he gave quickly and took just as quickly. I thought my shit didn't stink and I could live my life the way I wanted. He broke me down to build me up. He provided new blessings. He made me open my eyes more to different people, places and things. He gave me the will to be stronger. He made me the woman I am today.

When I think about what God has done for me, I cry. I cry tears of happiness, not pain. I could have taken a different route and ended somewhere else. I never followed, always lead and because of that, I lead myself to greatness. I was so far at the bottom, I thought I'll never see the top. I cried, stressed, worried, cried, got depressed, had low self esteem all while incorporating more and more people and problems into my life. I never gave myself time to heal. I would physically feel myself getting sicker because of the stress and lack of's. I couldn't see the top.

I had to mentally and emotionally build myself up to the person I am today. Now when people look at me, they can see that I'm beautiful, I'm special. A lot of men can say they've never met a woman like me. When I tell people that I'm not that average chick, I mean it! I am that phenomenal woman that Maya Angelou was talking about. I been through and seen so much in such a little amount of time. I'm still learning everyday. But one thing for sure and two things for certain, I am blessed and truly grateful. I'm happy but not completely. There are still some things that I'm waiting on the Lord to bless me with.

I am flawed but that's what makes me perfect. People see me for me now. Not as someone whom they can read. I'm mysterious, quiet and challenging. I have an aura about myself that demands respect. I am a Queen in my own mind. A goddess past her prime. I am a biologist, a poet, a writer, a lover, a leader and an activist. But most importantly, I am God's child! Perfectly imperfect! Hello world, my name is Jamale.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Touch Me, Tease Me

(My Computer "Love")

Many nights we have stayed up texting, chatting, voicing our opinions verbally through transmissions over this thing called a cell phone. Even though, our love have been technology driven, some how it seems as though you're laying right next to me. Physically touching and teasing me, every inch.....of me from head to toe. Even though, we are technology driven our minds are preoccupied with thoughts of just every nasty, little, lustful thoughts that you send me through the phone. That makes me laugh. That makes me moan.....

Oooooh we're so technology driven, even though, that is the case, we are some how standing here looking at each other; face to face. No, no, no I'm not trippin, I'm not dreaming, I'm not fantasizing, we are spiritually connected. We're above all planes. Above all stars. Baby we're asteroids beating down the galaxy together. We're some how connected.. In just within that one second you touched me and teased every part. But just like you came so quick and you left so quick. You ran! You left, you ran. No explanations, no cry baby, I tell you why later on. No it was just as sad, sad goodbye. Non verbally, nothing like I have ever felt before from you. It was all communication is key. I'm a grown man about mines baby so why would I even lie? I have no time for that! These are the words you keep telling me but maybe that was simply an alibi? An alibi to cover up that simple lie?

That you weren't ready. You were not read...to be help, to be loved, to be cared for with no obligations. With no lies. With no mystery. I'm a woman about mines. I don't think you were ready. So you touched and you teased me just as quickly as you kissed and left me. While I stand here, dazed, wondering why? How could this beautiful man touch and tease a woman with his eyes?

Soulful Reflections

Soulful Reflections

I constantly strip myself down to my soul.

I lay my layered clothes down from everyone to truly see me.

But still people take my skin as another layer that hides my true complexion.

As I lay here naked, I'm getting abused; constantly beaten.

Beated by the world.

Beated by words.

Beated by thoughts.

This world leaves my skin so cold and visually bruised.

I'm physically and mentally exhausted.

My mind wonders and explores thoughts to places I've never dreamed

All while I lay naked.

I lay naked for the world to touch, explore and examine my body.

Dissect my brain.

Take apart my soul.

I reach towards people that aren't reachable.

I leave self inflicted wounds amongst my skin.

All because people take my skin as another layer that hides my true complexion.

I have given it thought to give in of finally letting go.

Giving up to give in.

Leaving my self inflict wounds unable to heal.

Leaving them open, puss filled, rotten, smelly, red, blistering, running over with uncontrollable ooze.

That way the world will see me for whom I really am.

Naked.

No cover ups.

No make up.

Filled with flaws,

imperfections,

and vulnerabilities.

Perfectly imperfect.

Simply complex.

Deeply saddened.

Reaching for dreams deferred.

Loving men who don't love me back.

Giving emotions to those that don't really deserve them.

Closing my eyes, laying naked, absorbing the negativity and embracing it.

Leaving myself exposed amongst everyone to the world.

Stripped down to nothing.

Written 5/13/2009