Beyonce': Diva Video

I'm really feeling the new Beyonce' song!! I had post this up for everyone to see. Enjoy!

For Shits and Giggles...

Random Thoughts....

I was looking on the internet today and it amazes me how this woman was saved by her coworkers and now she's suing them!? I mean seriously lady, are you really going to do that to them?? How dare she be that ungrateful for her life, just because she's paralyzed! She should be happy that she's living another day and to have the opporutnity to see her love ones. All I can do is shake me head. *SHAKING MY HEAD* This woman is so mad at the ones who had the nerve to put their lives in danger and save her's. I'm soooooooo confused on her madness!!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2008/12/18/state/n134850S58.DTL

Enough of that bullcrap....I recently went out to the club with a couple of friends of mines. I find it quite funny how women purposely come to the club to to catch an attitude! First off, these club owners pack these clubs to the point that we all act like we're caged animals just for the love of the dollar, then we get mad at each other because we're trying to find enough room just to dance or pass through, and drunk men that think you're cute in the club. Now the last comment really gets me. People should learn their lesson from Luda's song, One More Drink. DON'T come to the club and get so intoxicated, ask a girl for her number and then the next day you're trying to figure out who the girl is. I've seen it numerous times again, how these men find themselves in a situation of trying to figure out to be rude or go with the flow. Take my word of advice, just say no to that last drink! Don't ask me for my number, ask me for my pic the next day and decide you want to ignore someone because you were too drunk to remember what I look like! Ignorance is bliss.....

Mental Stimualation

Hello Bloggers!

I know I talk about relationships a lot because I've been in many myself and I can smell bullsh!t from miles away now. LOL. But I came across this paragraph in this book I'm reading now called Pleasure by Eric Jerome Dickey which sparked my interest. It states, "Physical attraction was about aesthetics, not sexual performance, not mental stimulation. Without mental connection, a remarkable sexual performance yielded no lifelong guarantees. It was only lust. And lust was not love." I LOVE THAT STATEMENT!!

When I first read that I was moved by it's words. How can a man that's writing about how a woman is finding it hard to get stimulated know what the hell I'm going threw now??? That's my problem that I find with a lot of the men I know now. Lack of mental stimulation!!! I love men, far and wide but where the heck is the conversations that follows? When I first opened up this blog, my first blog session was about how men chase after what's "not good for them." A lot of our men don't realize that sometimes, they're chasing a lost dream of hope. You can hope and wish to get that girl that you want but if you don't have the mental stimulation that comes a long with the nice cars, fancy clothes and money what are you really getting. There are some women now a days that only want the material things but what about the women who really want love?

I would love to meet someone who can not only satisfy in other ways but make me hang on your every word by mentally stimulating me. A conversation that can last for hours without getting boring, not having to take things from the back of your mind to continue a short convo, or having that pause in the convo that seems to be annoying. The problem I believe is that a lot of people got lazy into wanting to know a person for who they truly are. I've been victim to saying, "I hate getting to know someone all over again because it's a long process." You can't go back to your ex just because that person is a safe zone!!!! They're your ex for a reason..duh!!! LOL. Don't be scared to jump out there and challenge yourself. Talk to people you wouldn't normally talk to.

I get to speak to different people almost everyday about their past experiences. I currently work for a company that helps the mentally ill. So I work with schizophrenics, severely depressed and bipolar population. It amazes me how I find my sanity in their complexed minds. A lot of people will disregard what these people will say because they have mental problems or previous substance abuse problems but you have to understand they have been threw whatever and back. They recognize their problem and they know they need help, hence that's why they come to my company. I find myself wrapped into their conversations about family, friends, drugs, relationships, politics, etc and I'm truly intrigued by the mental satisfaction that I find. Why the heck can't that be an every day "Joe" on the street that try to talk to me??? Why, is because they only see physical and don't see potential. I'm always the "cool, down to Earth, around the way girl" but never the potential. Now I'm not mad or bitter because now I have the power of choice!

The power of choice is an overwhelming feeling that you can't seem to control once your recognize it's gift. You have to remember that you choose who you want in your life, who you want to talk to, who you want to have sex with, who you want to spend your extra time with. Just like when you choose to be in a relationship with, you can choose to do whatever you want with that person. My patient told me the other day, a lot of times men are wrong when they believe that they chose that women who they gave their number or talk to but actually it's the women's choice to call you back or even be bothered with you. It's all about conversation! If you can't stimulate that women within the first 5 mins of the convo then you're killing time. A woman wants excitement, action and deliverance. We don't want a man that's only good for one thing (unless that's all she wants). Take for example, I know this guy who's been liking me for years and I completely passed him by for other people in my past. He confronted me earlier this year and was straight up about how I neglected him for a long time. All he wanted was a chance to prove himself to be my man. So I decided (choice) to give him a chance. We have all the lines of communication open but he bores me. He can IM me, text, call or hang out but he chooses not to. When I do see him, he has nothing much to say, I'm the one who's pulling teeth to get him to start talking more. This is probably a really good man (for someone else) but I NEED to be satisfied mentally!

You can not skip to just sex without mental stimulation. That's why a lot of people cheat. It's no communication or they're bored. Find other ways to produce a healthy relationship if you find yourself boring. You can always take your lady to places she dreamed of or never been. You will find it amazing to see that that can spark a perfectly mental stimulating conversation. Step out of your norm and have fun for once dammit!!! A relationship isn't always about you and your sexual ego that needs to be stroke often, this point goes to both male and female. Ask questions, peek your own interests as well as theirs and tell them what you're really thinking. You never do know what people is really hiding underneath all that skin. LOL.

When I post my poetry, please don't assume that I had sexual relationships will all those men. NO I didn't! I have quite the imagination that has a pretty dark hole. I dream and when I dream, I dream big. I can close my eyes and vision. I can smell and feel. I can hear what I want them to say. So it's just my imagination running wild. I have met all types of men from all walks for life but the ones whom I encountered and wrote about has peeked my interests but they seemed to be all the same. NO mental stimulation. I have only really been "in love" but twice. I have lusted over numerous people (LOL) but never loved. When I love, I love hard and strong. I want my feelings to felt in every kiss that I give that person. I have only had that opportunity once in my life so far. I have only really been mentally stimulated once also by that same person......

So my plee for you is to give thought to what you say and mean it. Don't try to see what someone is like in bed, see how they react to situations. Can that person manage their checkbook, can they have fun and be themselves around kids, can they be spontaneous, can they be adventurous, can they shimmy your fancy like B. Scott say?? Can you all both mentally stimulate one another?

WORLD AIDS DAY!!!!!

Good Morning Everyone!!!

Today is a special day. No it's not only 24 days until Christmas but today is National HIV day!!! Why get excited you ask??? Well to me you should be excited to know that you have somewhere you can go close to your house and get tested for free. It should be no excuse why you haven't had an HIV test yet if you're having sex, unprotected or protected. We all need to be an advocate and get out here and help our youth. It amazes me how so many younger people will have sex just based on their partner's pressure or to "fit in" with their peers. We all have been there and had that pressure put on us. But we as a country still don't have enough sex education programs or some of the parents are fearful that their child will ask too many questions about sex that they're not ready to answer. That's crazy to me!!!! If your child is coming to you and they're asking you questions, don't you think that's better than they going out trying new things that they don't know nothing about?? Or better yet, get "advice" from the most unexperienced person out here?? That's why in Washington, DC we have the highest rate of HIV cases in the area because they don't know. They don't know how serious it is until they get caught up. They don't know how crazy people are until they're lied to. They don't know that they're not stronger than that virus. HIV does not discriminate!!!! It doesn't care what color or culture you are. It doesn't care how old you are or what plans you have. It doesn't care if you live or die!!! It cares to thrive off your body for survival. So get a clue!!! Wrap it up and have sex only with those that you love and trust. Your body is much more than you will ever know. You're priceless and no one can take that from unless you allow them to. So be proud and love yourself more than the next person will!!!

TO FIND THE NEAREST HIV TESTING LOCATION, CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW

http://www.hivtest.org/

It's been a long time....

OK so I know I haven't been on here in a while but I've been quite a busy young lady. So since I haven't been on here in a while,I'm posting two poems that I've written recently. I hope you like it. Please post comments and follow the blog!!!

Peace and Blessings, J


"A Waste of Matter and Time"

(A "stranger")

I want you now more than ever. I have these built up emotions, feelings, yearns and tears. I have all these unexplored thoughts and decisions. One thing for sure is I want you. I'm growing angry everyday knowing my feelings for you grow stronger and tighter. Tough as Teflon, longer than any given yard and better as an aged wine. These emotions for you aren't new, as a matter of fact, I knew how I felt when I first met you. I was amazed by your dark chocolate skin, your Colgate smile, mesmerizing eyes and your deep voice. I'm trying to build up my courage to come to you and tell you how I really feel but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you'll shut me down and don't want me like I want you. Yea, I heard that line, I only want you as a friend. Yea, Yea, Yea heard that line too. Now I can sit here and tell you how much I can change this and give you that but if your mind isn't here, it's a lost cause. I am tired and pissed to be the last choice in your marathon of thoughts. I want to be your first and last. Your everything! I have so much lost love locked away patiently waiting and waiting. When will it stop? When will the peace subside with the love? I want you more than those brand new pair of shoes. I want you more than that new bag with a high price tag. I want you to remind of love and hope. All these things I want to tell you not only you but the world too. All these thoughts I write as I pass you on the train, too afraid to say hello to you. Damn I get so mad! Not mad at you but at society. They have programmed you to want what's not good to you. You want the bad girl who's poison to your soul. Toxic to your thoughts. Society has whispered in you ears lies and deceit to love this particular type of woman. Why not me?? Lord please help him see! But until the meanwhile, as I proceed off this train, I leave my thoughts for keeps, my feelings under wraps, crying invisible tears, and my pride protected. Until the next time I see you again, these words are a waste of matter and time.

Written 10/27/2008


My Petition

(Dedicated to my Spirit)

I have needs, wants and desires. I have made decisions, changes and life scarifies. I'm at a moment in time where everything is standing still. Just as dull, lonely and thoughtless as the moment before. I'm at a dead end. A dead end at the fork in the road. A fork in a road that can't be seen past the eye's view. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm lonely.

I set aside all these foolish ideas of falling in love and traded them for strength, courage and wisdom. I need guidance. I need time. I need love. I deserve love and affection. I deserve the undivided attention and daily devotion. I deserve the silly just thinking of you texts and emails. This is my petition of my standards of love. I want it more than ever. I thrive off it's energy. I'm breathing it's air. I'm simultaneously beating along to it's heart beat.

I am waiting patiently.

Written 11/16/2008

My Pursuit of "Happyness"

So I don't understand how these supervisors believe that they have some power over you. People get respect when you give respect, don't ever forget that! Once you start living for money and making money, then money will control. A lot of people don't realize that they live their lives for that statement. I personally want to live comfortably so I don't have to worry but that seems like it's not working right now. I'm trying no to stress about these piling bills but they are slowing drowning me. BUT I will not let that stop me from dreaming.



Now back to this supervisor. I truly believe she thinks she has some power over me. I would greatly upset to loose my job but it's just that, my job. This isn't my career. This isn't what I ultimately want to do. I want to be the person to be my own boss. I want to strive towards a goal of owning my own business. So my supervisor don't have no hold over me. I live to enjoy life, I don't live to work. Therefore, that gives her this misconception of me having to worry.



I'm reading this book now called Rich Dad, Poor Dad. I highly recommend you to read it. This book was recommended to me by my coworker. She was telling me how someone told her to read it and now she's passing the wisdom. Now when I say that this book is a life changing book, I mean it! You will change you whole perspective about money, your decisions and your future. Some of the things that was spoken about, I do practice now but it's a great book to learn from. I take notes and plan to live by them. Within the book, it speaks how you can change your thinking and decision making about your finances, investments and how to start your own business. I would simply say, if you want to stablize your financial future then this is the book for you. As a result of the book, it has motivated me to change my decision making, be wiser about my money and be more patient. But most importantly, it made me realize that I'm living right now to work, pay bills and try to have fun with my "left over money" but in the long run I'm actually hurting myself. I don't need to live to work at some job that is only temporary. I got that job based on my experiences but I can start my own business based on my experiences and knowledge.



So I'm not living in fear anymore of being someones puppet, waiting for that person to cut my strings or better yet, me having the courage to reach up and cut my own strings. I'm striving for a better future. A future that will not only benefit me but it will benefit my kids and their kids. I want to leave a legacy. I want people to say she survived when at that time America was doing terrible. I want to live in a boat above water, not try to keep my head above water. So with that being said I'm in pursuit of my own "happyness."

Dangerous Territory

(Nate)

I know you're not the one for me but I just can't help but to think about you all day, everyday. You are a smooth individual. One that can easily take every part of me. Lick me, suck me, feel me from head to toe. You completely move me. I am fascinated with the thought of you Ummm you make me me smile just when I think I'm having a bad day. I need to be careful, I have to be careful. I can't go down that lonely, windy, roller coaster of love anymore. Yea you're smooth but I can't fall for your smooth. I can't fall for your smile. The way you touch me...they way you kiss me, the way you lick me....

I gotta get you outta my mind. I have to shake you off. I have to get your smooth swagger outta my mind. I gotta be careful, I wanna be careful. Ummm but something about you that makes me wanna step on those dangerous territories. I want to tip toe softly on that dangerous territory. I want to ignite a bomb on that dangerous territory.

I know your smooth. Too smooth for some but I like the idea of you. I love the thought of you. Ummm I love every inch of you. You're a fantasy I once dreamt of repeatedly, over and over again. Your freaky nature ummm that turns me on. I've never done some of these things you've requested but that inner part of me don't wanna be careful. I wanna be sinful. I want to lay down with you, bathe with you. I want to enjoy you. I want all of you ummm and I mean all of you!

I want to feel you. I want to caress you. I want to. Every inch, every part, every nasty nook and cranny of you. I need to be careful. Umm I want to be careful but I have to try. I want to try to tip toe on that dangerous territory.

Written 1/23/08

The Audacity of Hope

Yesterday was history. Not just history for African Americans but United States history. WE as a country voted an African American into office. Not too long ago this dream of becoming the President of the United States was far fetched. But look how far WE have come! This morning I was overwhelmed with joy. Last night when I came home from work, I was watching CNN for two hours straight, watching the counts come in. In the beginning I was very worried; will the United States really be ready for an African American President??? Once the numbers came in from my home state, Maryland and then Ohio and Pennsylvania, I knew Obama had it. But again it was only the beginning. Was the rest of the United States ready for Obama?

Once 10 pm EST hit, I couldn't take it anymore. By this time I had feel asleep just to wake back up to people talking but not about nothing much but what they predict will happen. I wanted to know what was really going on with Obama. Upon waking up, I looked at my phone and saw the numerous text messages and IM's stating that "WE won or I'm crying." Once I put my dog outside, I immediately cut the TV on CNN and there was the banner, "OBAMA HAS MADE HISTORY!" I broke down and cried. I mean I cried like no other! I cried like I was just broken down to nothing. I had to catch my breathe, I had to reach for the couch before my knees gave way, I had to give all the glory and praise to Jesus. I WAS IN COMPLETE SHOCK! I just couldn't believe it, WE all made history. Thank you Jesus is all I could say. My dog looked inside the house and she went hysterical because she don't like to see me crying. When I let her in, she jumped on the couch and licked my tears away. As she licked my tears away, it reminded me of back in the 1960's when mothers and fathers cried on the couch. They cried and their children didn't know why they cried so much. Who were they crying for? Why were they crying so long? I tell you they were crying for change! They were crying because they finally had a voice whom spoke up for them! They were crying for Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I was crying for Barack Obama's audacity of hope! I was crying because Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. paved the way for Barack. Thank you!!!

This campaign started a little under two years ago. It all happened in a small room somewhere. Somewhere Barack envisioned change. He believed that this great nation was ready for someone who was serious. Someone who was just like them. They needed a true leader! It has been a long and hard campaign to lead but Obama has made it. He was examined carefully, torn apart and put back together again but he prevailed. Many analysts were trying to make it a racial campaign but many saw that we were mostly looking at the content of his character. He was never judged by the color of his skin, he was looked at as a man with pride in himself, his culture and his family. He prided himself in his dream that he believed him. And I admire that man for that. So with these words, I close to say thank you Barack Obama. Thank you for envisioning change, believing in yourself and your country. Thank you for uniting division in states. Thank you for having that audacity of hope! God Bless you!!!

*This entry is dedicated to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Without you, WE would have not had overcome.*

Are "WE" really ready for a CHANGE?

*WARNING!! THE ABOVE VIDEO CAN BE QUITE DISTURBING!!!*

When I ask the question are "WE" really ready for change, it's not just for us as black people, it's for the human kind. It's finally here, the day that could change the history of politics. I'm so happy that this nation has come together and decided to vote! Regardless, who you're voting for, it's the principle fact that you're getting the nerve to exercise your vote.

Now looking back to what we use to have, people, young, old, Black,White,Native American has died for our right to vote. What makes me a little upset is that people still believe that their vote doesn't count or we (black people) are only still allowing ourselves to have that "slave mentality." Don't get me wrong, the video that I posted above is just my opinion of pure ignorance! How can this man have the audacity to claim the difference between black man and nigger? Plus talk down about Obama and speak so highly of the Palin's family? But Obama's family is trash and worthless?? Isn't he suppose to be a pastor of a church that is based on Christian teachings not a political teaching?? Oh I'm sorry but I forgot, he's the one that started this ministry and church! Ahhhh that's it, so if I start my own movement of calling Obama trash and his followers aree all niggers and teach nothing but politics in my church then I'm considered a well known International Pastor??? PLEASE SHUT UP! This man has been clearly brainwashed to hate himself and his race. How dare you boycott the King's dream? Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. has dreamed of this day. He has even died for this cause. He put his life and his family's life on the line for people such as Obama, Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson and Colin Powell, just to name a few.

I can go on and on how disturbing this video is to me but I rather focus on the positive. Again let me stress that I didn't vote for Obama because he's black. (I'm still proud of the fact that A black man survived this long and possibly about to be our next President!) I voted for him because he's a man that moved this nation with his dialect. He's the "King's Dream." He is my role model, my future kids role model and my American Dream! (Read the past blog about my feelings towards Obama.) I'm excited today because I'm a part of history. I have a voice that was needed to be heard. I am that person that is being judged by the "content of my character." I am that person that need to get out to the voting lines early "by any means necessary." I VOTED TODAY! So please don't live another year in ignorance. Now if you missed this year's election, it's fine, you can always vote another 4 yrs. from now when we re-elect Obama in office!!! LOL My Pastor told me this is the year of change, so I ask you again, are "WE" really ready for CHANGE?

For Shits and Giggles....

Are you suffering from....???

Like, Dislike. Love, Envy. Happiness, Anger. Carefree, Worrisome.

This is the type of people I deal with all the time. I find myself constantly attracted to some serious butt holes. NOT just men but women too. Mostly the men are a killer though. Being a woman, I'm sure another woman will agree when I say that most women know we're always comparing ourselves to another woman. So we have to put that person down to make ourselves look and feel better. Men, now yall are a different story. Some men are very straight to the point. They know what and who they want. Then you have those that like to sugar coat feelings, ideas and emotions. You can not hide the truth! Let me give you some words of advice, tell the truth! Regardless, of what sex, race or religion, the truth is respect is accepted more than lies. Be a real person and tell your true feelings. A woman like me get frustrated, accept what's given and move on to new and bigger ideas.

I have a friend who likes me a lot. For all these years, we played with the thought of a relationship. But I seem to stop it before it starts. Now some people will say that I'm just scared and I'll say that I need a more firm man. I love men who say what they mean and mean what they say. Please don't throw hints to me because I will misinterpret it as something else. I don't play when it comes down to serious business and relationships. My friendships are just as important to me as well. So if there's a problem or an emotion that need to be expressed, well dammit say something!!!! I don't read minds nor do I do magic tricks. I will not turn back the hands of time or hold back. So if you don't like what I say then sorry stop talking to me because God made me like this!!! GET OVER IT!

I am a woman of pride and anger. They constantly bump heads but I know when to separate them. I speak my mind on this blog because it's my place of piece when I'm constantly thinking and venting. I blog because I believe my opinion is just as important as the next. I blog because I have a little voice that don't get heard. For a long time, I was screaming in silence. Letting my thoughts and emotions overwhelm my mind. Now that I have a "piece of mind," I'm not going to change it! I write how I feel, I say what I want and I write about who I want! I write about love and being lost in love. I write about my imagination running wild, things that make me angry and things/people that make me happy. I love being in love and all the things that are involved with being in love. But most importantly, I write about my true deep, dark emotions. If I like/love someone well that's what it is. If I fell in love with someone well that's what that is too. But when I speak of the past, well then let the past be the past! I am human!

Be CAREFUL who you're listening to...

Growing up my mother always told me to be careful who I tell my business to. I use to always tell her that I don't spread all my business to no one but my friends. But you see even though you don't say much to people, your mind is actually speaking for you. A lot of people don't realize that your actions sometimes can mean your words. I just to let my mind wonder and let the devil tear me down to nothing. I did and said harsh things to those that I loved. I let that voice come in and take control of my thoughts. I cried many nights and wondered why me? If God has heard my cry and see me going through hell on Earth, why me? That "voice" told me that I wasn't nothing, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I don't have the nicer clothes like the other girls, my hair can't get straight enough, I can't loose weight no matter what!, my eyes aren't light enough, I want to be lighter!!! No I'm not good enough.... I use to tell people this all the time.

While in church, one of my pastor's talked on a sermon about being careful whom you're speaking to and listening to. It had me thinking about all the people I've spoken to over the years, even my family members. My pastor stated that you will have those that seem to have best interest at heart but all along they're plotting against you. Some people will tell you vicious lies and deceit or they will boost your mind to believe something big. You can not and I repeat CAN NOT listen to everything people tell you. My pastor warned us that the devil and his solders can speak to you through people you know or don't know. The problem that I deal with along with plenty other people is that sometimes we focus our blessings based on what we can see. We keep "praying" until we feel as though we got what we wanted because we know Jesus was listening. Well I'm here to tell you, not all the time those "blessings" are from Jesus. Yes the devil will "bless" you with what you wanted but you know he wants something in return. For example he will give you that new car that you always wanted but he wants you to go out to the club and be too tired to get up on Sunday morning and go to church. He eventually wants your counted soul.

I know this is a deep thought to think about but really think about it. Have you ever done something and someone ask you do you know why you did that? How could do something like that to me or who do you think you are?? You find yourself lost for words. Well there was a little voice (not your conscience) telling you to do something because it's going to be OK. Or you had someone to encourage your thoughts/feelings and even participated with you. Not everyone is truly your friend. When You feel as though you weren't yourself, you really wasn't. You were taken over by your thoughts and your acted based on your feelings. We have to get out of this realm of seeing faith and not walking by faith.

God has promised you a beautiful life, all you have to do is show up to collect the prize. We live a predestined life that God has ordered our steps. You can read your bible everyday, pray everyday and preach the word but if you don't believe in what God has planned for you, then that one thought can damage your whole harvest that you just planned with one seed. Yes we're going through a recession but you have to see past this. My pastor tell us all the time, you're not in a recession, the world is. Just work your principle and you will walk through this storm. Now when he states work your principle, he's not stating just tithe. He's stating that you have to preach to those that feel like giving up, reecourgage yourself daily, read and believe the word and come to church anytime the doors are open. It's a shame that thousands of churches doors are closing due to this "recession" because a lot of the members can't afford to pay tithes and offerings. But this is your time to realize this is what the devil wants. He wants you too not being able to pay your bills, trying to pay Peter by robbing Paul and neglecting your church. You're making excuses that church is too far b/c of no gas, no tithes to offer, my body hurts, the game is going to be on or I have errands to run on Sundays. God doesn't ask for much, he really just ask for an hour of your time daily when you're not in church and a couple of hours on Sunday. Stop letting the devil win your spirit and your heart. You're in control of your own destiny! STOP listening to those people who tell you that you'll never make it, you're ugly, you can't get that car (it's too expensive for your pockets), you can't open up that business, how are you going to pay for school?, who do you think you are, you're fat, you shouldn't do that b/c you're not ready for that, or you will never be nothing like your parents. STOP IT! Don't let another negative thought come into that mind. You're everything that God has given you and much more. He gives you a choice, not it's up to you what you where do you want to go? Just have FAITH!!!!

Wowzers!!!!!!!!!

I came across this website this morning and I just couldn't believe my eyes!!!!!! I wanted to share it with you all b/c I'm a firm believer of safe sex. So please be safe and if you're embarrassed or need help this is the website for you.....

http://www.InSPOT.org

~Lustful~

(Darnell)

Lord please forgive me. I thought of this man in my dreams. My dreams soon became reality. He touched me and I could have sworn my skin was on fire. I yearned for his every touch and kisses. I'm not going to lie, when I saw him I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. His lips so passionately kissed mines. His fingers roamed up and down my thigh. The warmth of my body just invited more caress from each one of his finger tips. My eyes got lost in his. I felt my body fall into a heavy trance and there I laid paralyzed. I just cried when the thought came across my mind that we were on a scheduled time. I wanted more sweet, passionate kisses, embracing hugs and roaming fingertips. Never did I imagine you will bring me a man whom I can't call mine. I've dreamed of my lost angel and I'm being together romantically. Our time wasn't mistaken nor forgotten. Our hearts, bodies and minds intertwine. Lord forgive me for committing this sin.

Common Questions...

My youngest brother asked me why in the world do I have a blog page? He was like those people who have a blog page are those who stay in the house and have nothing to do. Well to correct him (after I was laughing), I'm a quite busy young lady! The reason for this blog is to express myself. Not just my poems but also my thoughts that I sometimes express with my friends, coworkers or even some of my patients. This blog is a common blog but unique in a unusual way. You would say how is this page unique? Well look at what I talk about and how I feel. Now my subjects are very common but my ideas and points are unique. I do, do a lot of thinking. Hence "The Thinker" that I have on my blog. I don't quite look like that when I think (LOL) but I do have some deep thoughts. I do have some deep concerns about my life and the world that surrounds me. Take for example have you ever wanted someone so bad that it kills you to be their friend?? Now I know a lot of people can relate to what I'm saying because they have been there before or still there.

I've been in this situation recently where I think this guy is cute. I mean cute to the point I was like umm I need to speak to him everyday!! At first, I was like I'm going to play it cool and not be pressed about him but when I finally got to know him and see how sweet he really was, that made me want to know this man more!!! Now some people would be bold and just come out and say you should have talked to him and flirt a little more. See what a lot of people fail to understand that I'm shy and I don't do bold moves without me knowing how that person really feel. You can't make an a$$ out of yourself when you're trying to flirt (not a good look)! Needless to say, I didn't get to know that man and take it to the next level but I was beating myself up everyday knowing that I had something to tell him but I couldn't. We're really good friends now and I appreciate our friendship. I soon came to discovered that he was in a long term relationship that hurt him pretty bad and he don't want a girlfriend right now. Now I'm not selfish (even though a part of me was) but you have to respect that decision. I asked him why and he stated that he wanted to get himself together financially and emotionally. You have to respect a man who knows what he wants and of course I did. But the thought came across my mind when I saw him today..."damn he's so cute, funny,smart, ambitious, cute(I know I already said it LOL) but he's the type of guy I would love to date but he just want a friend and I'm going to be that friend for him. Now some women can't deal with the fact that he's not into the relationship thing right now but I'm just happy that he's my friend. When I see him everyday in the afternoon and he smiles and say "What's Up?", I can't help but smile back and feel special. I'm his special friend....

Have you ever asked yourself these questions?:
Why is he with her? Why can't I find the nerve to speak to that person? Why are they suck a butt hole to me? When will I get that chance to prove myself? Why do they only see me as a friend? If things were different, what would be different? Why do I have to fade to the background? LORD WHY ME?? Well let me explain something to you. I have asked myself and the Lord all these questions before but I did discover this...you're blocking your blessings if you ask all these questions!!! How can you focus on what you have if you're worried about what you don't have??? THINK ABOUT IT! Stay focus on your dreams and hold fast to them. For if you give up on what God has promised you then you will lose faith. Keep praying and venting to God. He's always listening even through all those questions.

Be Blessed.

Beyonce-Single Ladies(Put a Ring on It)

Ok this new Beyonce' song is really hitting the spot right now!!!! I totally agree with her..Get it B!!!

Why NO Boyfriend pretty lady???

I get asked this question all the time...why I don't have a boyfriend? Ok leave me alone people!!! LOL Is is so hard to see a young lady alone and enjoying life to the fullest?? Let me stop! Yes I do love the company of a young fellow but and I stress but, I'm not jumping into another headache.

My ex said something to me some months ago. He stated that I'll be a great spouse and mother so what's taking me so long??? ERRRRR umm last time I checked, most women don't have the problem of commitment. Plus if I was such a great spouse and possibly mother then why the hell I'm not with you now then?? (Another blog one day) Back to the subject....I'm not blaming all this lack of commitment on men, but a man is the one who seems to be unhappy. Regardless if they're unhappy with the sex, appearance, attitude, situation, whatever. I'm not a hard person to please but most men I've met only thing with one brain. NO I'm not talking about the brain that's on their shoulders either. I'm saying the one that's hanging in between their legs. I was just telling an older co-worker today and I was telling him that older men are the worst! They come right out and say what they want. They have had or still have the wife and kids and now they just want a nice pretty young thing full of excitement. The younger guys my age will beat around the bush about it and try to be nice at first and then the green goblin speaks and you're like ERRR pump the brakes, what the hell did you just say??? Haha. I'm not dropping my drawers for nothing. Especially, since we haven't taken any tests yet. I might be young but I'm not dumb. Have you seen the HIV stats recently??? Ummm yea, it will scared anyone straight..LOL.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect to everyone. I'm just perfect the way God has made me. Some men appreciate a young BBW like me and truly find me attractive but they're not ready for the commitment because they're "doing them." They just want to focus on themselves, their career or money. Now I understand some people have to get themselves together before they can bring anyone else into their circle but how long do you plan to "doing you?" I'm truly confused what the hell that means still?? Let's just say you're not into a relationship right now and you're enjoying your little freedom that you have. But on the flip side what kills me is, they're enjoying their freedom but as soon as they find that girl they're really digging and she's too "good" to let go so you willing to settle down with her. What the hell?? Again let's just say you was not interested in me like that as you are with her. Please be honest. I don't like liars!!!!! ERRRRR

I'm on a different level right now. I'm happy with myself and what I can present to the table later. I have learned from relationships and still learning. I'm no body's fool and I don't plan on being a clown either in the near future. So to answer the 8th wonder of the world question, why I don't have a man....I'll have a man when he's ready for me to be incorporated into his world. When he's ready to commit fully, to be ready to love and be loved fully. When he's ready to stop playing games,telling lies to get by and to give that 100 percent into the relationship. NOT that 80/20 rule either. (If you don't know what that is, then watch Tyler Perry's movie, Why Did I get Married?) I related to the character that Jill Scott played. I've been in a relationship where, I figured if I changed something about myself then he'll appreciate that more. Regardless, if it's my hair, make-up, clothes, or attitude. I found myself hating him at the end but most importantly, mas as hell at myself. I will be loved one day but someone who Love's all of me. I will change on my own! Dam that if you think I'm pretty but not as pretty as that model or girl on the street. Well then you be with her!!! Life is too short for me to find myself through your personal downfall. I learn to love me for all I have and posse.
I'm a woman of little games and a lot of patience. So my time is precious and it's wasting....

A Wanted Love

(Unknown)

I want to love. I want to love. I want love like no other. I want to enjoy life, skip into the leaves, run with the breeze. I want to love and learn. I want to give into love well earned. I want to laugh and live within that moment. I don't want to never ever miss a time that could have been well spent.

I want to fly in the trees, sing with the bees. I want to love. I want love. I want to love you everyday that God has planned. I want to grow old with you, lay lazily on the beach and play in the sand. I want to say I love you as you place that ring on my hand. I want to love you so I can shout your beautiful name towards the land.

I want to love. I want to love. I want to love that one God sent man. I want to love to learn to love and hate you. I want you to love me when I'm feeling blue. I want to have kids with you. I want them to adore our love as much as I do. I want to smile everyday knowing that I'm blessed. I want to love harder over time. I want to look you into your eyes when I tell you that little white lie.

I want to feel your every presence. I want you to come inside me too. I want you to love me unconditionally as much as I do. Get to know me, the real me. I want you to take me. I want to smell you and vision you before my eyes do. I want you to kiss my little part of my neck that makes me wonder every time.

I want to love, I want to love, I want to love you....whoever you are?

Written 12/16/2007

Why are you bothering me??

Please explain this to me...Why do people steady bother you or try to get on your last nerve when they know that you didn't have a good day?? Do it get you off to get me to the point where I want to cuss you out and don't think twice about it?? Obviously, everything you say and do is irritating and upsetting my train of thoughts! So with that being said, please try to avoid to get me to the point of no return!!!

Sorry you guys but I had to release that anger that quick! But that opens up my blog so let me move on with my point....I'm not having a good day (obviously) and it seem like the devil been on my case all week but yesterday was the final breaking point. Stress is a very serious thing and I try to stay away from what can bother my health. Whoever believes that it's not something out there that talk to people and make them come out their norm and get on your bad side, they're a lie! The devil is always working through people to get you down, take you to the point of giving up but DON'T! I've been to the point where I was willing to give up everything. My car, money, job and social life just because stress was killing me. Alot of people ask me how did I supersede it all? Easily, I prayed and believed. YES I do believe in God as my Lord and savior. I always had God there with me but I wasn't ready for him. I was young, dumb and full of ....well you know the rest. LOL. But I gave up alot to get where I'm at but all in good favor. I gave up men, friends, places, bad language and negative thinking. As a result, I got everything else that I need. A piece of mind, happiness, fullfillness, and overwhelming feeling of love. I've meet some amazing people that help me through my progress and I'm still being molded everyday and I'm loving it like McDonald's. :)

Now I was pissed at the beginning of this blog but when I thought of where I came from and what I have planned for my future, I feel sooooo much better! It's amazing how God works through me. But I know that devil is working to do something to make me mad and bother me again but I'm going to attack him with prayer and heavy devotion. In times of stress, we need to take our mind out of the physical and get in touch with your spiritual realm. Remember God loves you all!!!

God Bless

Usher-Trading Places

UMMM the best one he's made so far...

Hopeless

(Omar)

As I layed in your bed wanting to touch you, to feel that "sting" of your touch again; I can't help but to wonder. What will we be? Will I just be another partaker of your sensual love making or your Queen to help you carry your heavy Kingdom? Your warm embrace crushes me every time you touch me. I constantly find myself in a realm of questioning. Should I call or text? Better yet, should I not bother you at all? You see you don't understand how many nights I dreamt about you wanting me. Finally you giving me all of you.

I can admit your strong manly ways impress me. God bless you when he touched your golden brown skin. I get lost in your deep wondering eyes and by God your smile makes me fall in love with you every time. I prayed to the heavens everyday for a man like you. Will my pride, flaws or insecurities not want you to want me anymore? I know I'm no comparison to your last Queen but I am that next to the throne. Apparently, there was a break in your relationship that left a void. Hopefully that void didn't leave you cold and heartless. I'm sorry to call myself selfish but I want that same love; NO matter of fact I want that higher learning love. That love that no other woman can touch.

Simply put, I want you to love me like no other. I want to be held to the most high. I want our relationship to be blessed by God and the universe. I would love to wake up everyday next to you and smile while the sun peek through the blinds and kiss the skin on your back. Exhale when I feel you wrap your muscular arms around me while you whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I want to simply enjoy every sensual moment of you.

I promise if you give me a chance to prove to you that I can be the woman you need, I'll give you more loving than pain. I want us to go through hell to reach heaven daily. I will give you all of me if you're willing to explore me. O how I promise you that I won't hurt you.

All these thoughts run through my head as you calmly lay in between my legs. I know it's only the beginning but you have to understand; I'm ready! I'm ready to live lively and step lightly on clouds. I'm ready to be kissed on my neck while you hold me from behind to say I love you. I'm ready for whatever life brings with you. I'm ready to be in love with you. Will my fantasies come true with you? I don't know; should I touch you or just lay helplessly with you????

Written 6/9/2008

Just too GOOD to be True

I'm extremely tired from last night's football game, Redskins VS. Cowboys. I'm happy that my boys Redskins have won!!!! Ok I'm not going to rub it in nobody's face. Hail to the Redskins!!!

Ok back to business....Over this past week I've came across the most dumbest thing I've ever heard. A good friend of mine's broke up with his girlfriend because she was too good for him so he believed he didn't deserve her. His ex-girlfriend told me he didn't feel that "spark" like he did with anyone else. Now let me pause there. Here is a man who's ex's treated him like crap. He was the one in the past that put everything in the relationship and got nothing out of it but a heartache and a big headache. So when he met this girl who had everything, she was that women he was looking for. She's smart, balanced, community oriented and very down to earth but she was too good for him or just too perfect? Now that's crazy how he can come to a conclusion that he wants the "perfect" woman for him and he gets it and he doesn't know what to do with her.

Now this example is not an uncommon thing to hear. I've been in the situation before. I had a boyfriend that was ready to give me to the world but I wasn't ready for what he was giving me. I was use to the arguments and headaches from him earlier in our relationship. We broke up on and off for years until finally winter 2005 he was ready to marry me. At that point in time I was ready to graduate from college in the spring and find a job ASAP. I was young, dump and stupid. I had a man that was ready to leave everything and start a life with me. I can see now that I wasn't ready for that blessing and it'll come to me when I'm ready. When my friends asked me why I broke it off with him, I stated he was too nice. haha..I can laugh at that now because I was use to what my ex's use to be. I was use to the men who didn't call and when they did call, they didn't give me details about why they didn't call me nor why so long. Also I was use to men disrespecting me and not giving me the love that I need. Luckily over years and experience, I've come to realize my worth and how much love and respect I NEED.

So I know how it feels to be bored with a relationship because you're use to the drama that comes along in a relationship. As we get older we understand that train of thoughts are stupid but it's a harsh reality. Some people don't grow up and see what real potential they have in front of them Lord knows I would give up everything to have that kind of love in a man again. I've meet some pretty harsh men who don't care about nothing but themselves and their sexual pleasure. So it mad me mad at my guy friend who just dumped his girl and then in the same sentence told her he loved her and he can see himself marrying her. My response to the situation is what the hell are you thinking??? So my advice to everyone is to enjoy that love that you have because you never know when that love will give up on you. You only love once really, so hold tight!


BTY the poem K.A.R.M.A was written about him

Vote or Die?

This year I can say that I'm really proud of myself. I have followed this upcoming election from the beginning. At first, I too was like who the heck is Barack Obama? The last time I voted, I wasn't too happy with the results of what seem like another four years of hell so I was determined to be more up to date with whom I'm going to push to be in office. Some people say Barack is the "Dream" that Dr. MLK was talking about and others call him a Messiah. But we do still have those that say he didn't really do anything to make him famous and fabulous to run this country.

Yesterday I was talking to my coworker about the debate. She told me this will be her first year voting and she's 30 yrs. old. She felt kind of embarrassed about this decision to vote so "late" in her life but I ensured her, it's better that she votes then not at all. We as Americans are tired of this same old jive these hypocrites are feeding us daily we want a change. So back to Barack....when I first really got into his election trail, I was shocked to see Hilary trying to knock him out the socket. She played pretty hard and I can say I respect her for that long run. That woman in her lifetime has dealt with a lot of problems and they all have been publicly criticized, so you can't do nothing but respect her at the end of the day. She's a very headstrong woman who knows how to play with the big boys.

Barack lead a pretty strong campaign trail but who is the real Barack Obama a lot of people say? While having that conversation with the coworker, a patient of ours interrupted and stated, " that's the problem with black people, they only want to vote for him because he's a black man. You really need to do your research and see all the facts." Now I don't work for CNN, MSNBC or Associated Press so I don't have time nor the energy to look at politics all day and night but I do know what I see. I don't care what people will say or think about it but I see a "Dream" that Dr. MLK prophesied about. I see a man who by his words alone brought together a nation who is in a deep depression/recession. Who all are suffering as a whole. He has a strong dictation for which he leads minds to change. I haven't seen so many young, old, black, white, Asian people come together to change their way of thinking, presentation and communication. This is a man who carries himself with a swag like no other. He's a man who loves his family and country.

Now don't get me wrong, McCain too loves his family and country but when you really look at what he has done, it amounts up to nothing. Wow so what he has brought more white people together to keep that black man out of office. He has gathered up all the white women to vote for him and he has brought a white woman with him who can't even answer questions directly. I know this is a sensitive subject but my point to this blog isn't to debate who is right or wrong. Who will lead this country better. The point is to simply say, please go out and vote. Obviously you all know who I'm voting for. And again let me stress to you that I'm not voting for him because he's black. I'm voting for him because he's a man that's hungry. He's dying to get into office and make that change that he promised for all of us. He's a man that's passionate about what he stands for and believes in himself. He brought together a nation like President Kennedy did. He's a leader like no other!

To me plain and simple he's that American dream, that came from the slums, still live with the slum village people and work for the people. He's a man whom worked his way from the bottom to the top. He had family who sacrificed for him to become what he is today. Barack Obama is a changing factor for this country. Question is, Are you ready for change??

K.A.R.M.A (Knowledge.Anger.Regret.Missing.Again)

(Chester)


It was once upon a time that you wanted me and claimed that you loved me unconditionally. Now that you've been pushed out of my life, I regret ever doing that to you. Since you all "men" have been the same. I've been through it all, up and down, confused and pushed to the background. I wanted you to feel the pain that I went through when I wanted you. But my own voodoo has come back to haunt me. I wanted so badly to get those feelings out of my system and say that they never existed. Now that I look through the phone calls, I can't help but to reminisce and miss our long phone calls and sometimes arguementive nights. That dreadful feeling of regret subside my anger followed by loneliness. I officially can say now that I miss you, the Knowledge I gained from Anger made me Regret Missing you Again. That's K.A.R.M.A.

Viva La Vixen

Ok so I'm reading now the Vixen Diaries by Karrine Steffans. To me this woman is amazing. Now when I say amazing, I'm not stating that she's an angel and she needs to be praised, I'm just simply stating that she lead a pretty interesting life. She's come from nothing to something, the big talk of the town and now a self man millionaire based soley almost on sex. It's amazing how sex sells and its quite powerful. When I read her first book Confessions of a Video Vixen, I did past judgement. I was like wow this is some crazy s*&t and I can't believe this woman will put all her and these celebrities business out there. But reading on to the next book and watching her videos, I can say I agree with her when she states why should she be ashamed of what she wrote when they're the ones who participated in the acts also.

Yes I can say I was shocked about some of my favorite celebs but there is a secret life behind scenes that we can't see. They don't call Hollywood, Hollyweird for nothing. That's the only place that I can see they accept anything/anyone with no strings attached. Who are we to say that this woman is a slut, whore, gold digger or a "B". No one really knows that truth into what really happened in her childhood and behind closed doors. We only see what we assume and only believe what we subspet. So when I look at Karrine Steffans, I see a woman whom is hurt. She's looking for a love in "men" whom she has to find within herself. Yes, I'm sure she loves herself but she hasn't really found herself. It's hard to explain how you "find yourself" but when you do, its an indescribable event. Let's just say she's in the process.

None of us have the right to say anything about her lifestyle. When you look at yourself and really think about how many people you have slept with, how freaky you got with them or the things you said or did for money, what makes you think you're just as innocent. Now it's true that people change as years progress so who's to say that she haven't changed and moved on to be a successful business woman? Alot of people might read this and say this girl is crazy, Karrine is a whore plain and simple but I'll just come back and disagree. Men do the same things as she did and they don't get called all the negative names, in fact they're praised about who and how many women they've been with. I'm not stating that who she slept with should be praised but I'm stating that she's a product of her environment. Take for an example, a young boy who grows up in the hood and see his older brother or peers selling drugs, pimpin or riding in the most expensive cars. The young boy is going to grow up wanting the same things that his brother or peers have. Alot of these "groupies" want that same lifestyle. They want the expensive husband, nice house, cars and plenty of money to supply their needs/wants. Again she didn't have that and she's just a product of seeing what people had and she went for what she wanted by any means necessary.

My point is don't judge a book by its cover. Alot of Americans have "secrets" and some tell it all or some just keep it within. Seeking therapy, whether its with a counselor, drugs, alcohol, or better yet Jesus. We have to get to know people before we can assume the worst or try to help. Look at your faults and bad decision making before you jump out there and say harmful words. We're all humans and make mistakes. Unfortunately, she's still paying for her faults. And for the women, please stop trying to be the next Karrine. As you can see it's NOT a good look for your future!

God Bless!

Congratulations

(Joshua)

I want to thank you for not returning any of my phone calls; for not replying to any of my texts and for not caring. I sat up so many nights and wondered where you could be and who you could be with. I want to thank you for not being there when I needed you the most. You are truly a blessing to me. As a matter of fact, I want to congratulate you for being able to have a woman's heart in your hands. Right there in the palms of your hands. You had the power to uplift and raise her heart high to the heavens, bringing her closer to God but instead you crushed her heart, sweezed it and polietly gave it back to her. I want to congratulate you for not being there to hold her hand as the doctors examined, poked and scrapped to see if there was anymore left of little you and me. I want to congrautulate you for leaving her to find a new love. No not that kind of love! A love that no man could ever replace. A kind of love that is right next to God. I congratulate you for making this woman look at herself in the mirror. She can now smile and truly say that she love herself. I want to congratulate you on finding a love that could never be found. I want to congratulate you on leaving me because without you, I Love Me! Congratulations.

(Written 10/8/2006)

Will the real men stand up?????.....

This past year has a true year of change. Not just change for myself but also change for our African American culture. Over the past three years I've observed what "our" men has become. They're not the men of Martin Luther, Malcolm, Marshall, or W.E.B but they're the products of the pimps on the corner, the "part time" hustler that seem to have everything that we could possilbly "want" or they're the ultatimite porn star that you could ever fathum. Where are our real men??? Now don't get me wrong, I still love my men but I'm just a little confused? I'm confused about how some of our men can say they love their mothers and sisters, aunts and grandmother but with that same mouth they can turn around and call the next women who won't give them their numbers, a Bitch??? Where are we heading to; a path of destruction, abuse and haterated?

I've had my past of relationships where I loved and wanted but now all I discover is men who want a special pleasure along with that "love". I was reading in the September 2008 issuse of "Today's Black Woman" about my love style. Now this researcher by the name of John Lee discovered what the word "love" meant to a variety of different people. He concluded that there's six different ways how people view "love". You can read on your own the six different types of of ways people view them but mines is called EROS. Now this is suppose to mean love of beauty. It states, "This love style is focused around the sensual side of love, choosing partners using intution and instinct over logic or analysis. Erotic lovers are the most likely to "fall in love at first sight" and are more likely to use pet names like "honey" or "sweetheart." Erotic lovers are hopeless romantics, for whom relationships are simply one long honeymoon. Prone on naivete' and sentimentality, erotic lovers tent to live in a fantasy world and can be more vulnerable because of this. Yet they can make deeply intense and passionate lovers."

Now when read that I was like WOW that really does describe the type of person I am. But am I really living in a "fantasy" world?? Well more and more everyday it seems like I am. I guess you can say I'm still in waiting mode for the man to come and love me for me and sweep me off my feet. I'm waiting for the dreamlover to come and rescue me like Mariah Carey said. I've kissed alot of frogs to finally say I'm wiping my hands of that dream. I'm not in denial nor am I bitter but I am mad as hell! I'm mad at how our African American men are sleeping around with everyone they could possilbly get, spreading diseases, making more babies than they can claim and name, and saying I love you and don't really mean it!!! Yes I know I'm finally just a hopeless romantic that's in love with love but where is that strong man that can handle any situation? I've come across alot of weak men. Regardless if their weak in conversation, sex, financial stability, personality or judement. They're lacking the key potentials of what our past ansectors were. They were men of intergurity, pride and pose.

I fear for our future. What are our men today teaching their sons? Dislike their mothers and girlfriends, abuse every woman that you can by having sex with her and treating her as just piece of a$$, and every word out your mouth is a curse word because you can't think of a better "souding" word otherthan "FUCK"! If this is what we are striving towards then my god, I believe we're on the right track. LOL. Honestly, I'm not mad at my African American men but I want us to love again. Love one another and respect each other as one. When it all come down to it, like Jill Scott said what if we (black women) were poof; every black women in the world disappers, then what? How would you like that then? Our generation will end to be honest. So if you claim you love your Queen then why do you treat everyone as one of Mike Vick's dogs?

Again over the past year, I've been observing our African American men as a changing race who hates, constanly disrepect and put down his own race into shame. Why are you in love with the light skin/red bone, long hair, light eye, big booty girls that really are paying you no attention? I know they deserve love too, but if that is only what you seek, then you're not getting far in this world with that mind set...